Page 2 | Can't get over DH not wanting more children

funder · 2022-12-13T10:16:04+00:00

Hi, We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me. How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

Lcb123 · 13/12/2022 11:06

He's allowed to have that opinion, and you need to respect that. Better than having another he doesn't want - please do not try and get pregnant without him knowing, I think that's very disrespectful. I think you maybe need to seek some personal or couples counselling around this, so you can move forward in a positive way?

lking679 · 13/12/2022 11:06

I assume you’ve talked to your husband about it but can you talk again? Explain how difficult it is for you, ask what are his concerns and are there ways they could be mitigated?
Also I feel like there are advantages to siblings he may be overlooking, does he have any? It’s nice (in theory) for siblings to be there for each other, share experiences and also the stress of elderly parents and to have a family relationship after parents are gone. I actually found the second easier as the first provides a bit of interaction and entertainment for them! Then as they get a bit older a playmate.
hope you can reach a compromise.

ISaidDontLickTheBin · 13/12/2022 11:08

It's terribly sad and unfair OP, but it's one where there literally is no middle ground. I'm sure it's upsetting for your DH too.

In my relationship it is the other way round, my DH really wants a third child and I
don't. It's making us both upset right now and I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm not prepared to have another child just to stop him feeling sad.

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CaveMum · 13/12/2022 11:09

At least your DH has told you how he feels and is not stringing you along like some men do with promises of "maybe in a year or two". He's been honest with you and that should be respected, at least you are in a position to make a choice about the way forward.

SpringIntoChaos · 13/12/2022 11:11

plusk · 13/12/2022 10:46

Ignoring youre husbands wishes and getting pregnant behind his back is the most abusive sh.t you can do.
Thats the worst advice ever.

Good grief! Did you read my post AT ALL? I MOST DEFINITELY did NOT tell the OP to do this ffs!!! Please improve your reading comprehension skills 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I was simply listing the options...and then went on to say EXACTLY why this third option was completely and utterly the wrong one!

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 11:11

Failingateverything · 13/12/2022 11:05

There’s a third option if you have the money. Leave and have a baby via sperm donation. Then you have a baby you have sole parental responsibility for and you never have to argue with a man about how to parent them.

I wonder how the husband would respond if he thought she was really going to do this? He would then be in a position where he faces 2 choices
1 agree to have another child with his wife
2 refuse to have another child, his wife leaves him has another child that isn't his and he loses his family unit.
If she laid these cards on the table and he knew that these were his options I wonder what he would do?

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:11

electricmoccasins · 13/12/2022 11:04

I’m so sorry. This is very painful. What are your husband’s reasons for not wanting another child? He must have talked it through with you. You deserve that.

I think you need reasons to have a child. Not having a child really doesn’t require any reason other than just not wanting to. This is obviously really hard for OP (or any partner in this situation), but nobody should have kids they don’t truly want or that they needed to be talked into having.

Failingateverything · 13/12/2022 11:15

I’d tell you how mine reacts except that I don’t have the money to do this yet. I’m seriously looking into freezing my eggs though to give me time to do this if he doesn’t chnage his mind.

Tirrrrred · 13/12/2022 11:18

Failingateverything · 13/12/2022 10:30

I’m in the same position. I do have a little more time as I’m early thirties. And my OH hasn’t said ´never’ so I don’t know what to think. I’m considering freezing my eggs so I could have another on my own when I’m in a better position career and finance wise in a few years time.

So you're not in the same position 🤣

Beamur · 13/12/2022 11:19

I have been in a similar situation. DH and I have one child, but he also has 2 older children from his first marriage. I would have liked to have another, but he felt 3 was enough. A 4th child would have made life logistically more difficult, expensive, etc.
I struggled with this but understood his feelings. Decided to stay and I have made peace with the decision. DD is 15 now and with hindsight, I think she is better off without near age siblings. She close to her older sister though which is lovely, so she does have the benefit of her older brother and sister after all.
It's tough.

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 11:20

@CaveMum has a very good post. Its the harsh reality and I think it's a neutral opinion.

@RishisProudMum I think your opinion is quite unfair "respect" has been mentioned several times on this post.... well by the same token it works both ways?

I think at the very least I would like an explanation and to be Frank if OP was younger! My advice to her would be quite different.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 11:34

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 11:11

I wonder how the husband would respond if he thought she was really going to do this? He would then be in a position where he faces 2 choices
1 agree to have another child with his wife
2 refuse to have another child, his wife leaves him has another child that isn't his and he loses his family unit.
If she laid these cards on the table and he knew that these were his options I wonder what he would do?

Show quote history

@Soothsayer1

hopefully he wouldn’t agree to have another child under such duress

electricmoccasins · 13/12/2022 11:37

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:11

I think you need reasons to have a child. Not having a child really doesn’t require any reason other than just not wanting to. This is obviously really hard for OP (or any partner in this situation), but nobody should have kids they don’t truly want or that they needed to be talked into having.

Show quote history

I agree that there should always be a reason to have a child.

My question was because the Op had suggested they had discussed having 2-3 children in the past and her husband had changed his mind. If this is as she has stated, and the Op didn’t presume, then I feel her husband does owe her an explanation. He is allowed to change his mind for whatever reason, but he does need to acknowledge that he has done so. The Op can then also change her mind about whether to stay in the marriage or not.

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:38

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 11:20

@CaveMum has a very good post. Its the harsh reality and I think it's a neutral opinion.

@RishisProudMum I think your opinion is quite unfair "respect" has been mentioned several times on this post.... well by the same token it works both ways?

I think at the very least I would like an explanation and to be Frank if OP was younger! My advice to her would be quite different.

In what way is my opinion unfair and which opinion?

KrystynaZ · 13/12/2022 11:41

What are his reasons for not wanting another?
Are you willing to have a second child on your own?

5128gap · 13/12/2022 11:43

If your husband is aware of how strongly you feel and is still adamant, and you want to remain within your relationship and family, I think you have no viable option than to come to terms with it. With pressure and ultimatums you may be able to force him to agree, but its a high risk strategy and your marriage and child's relationship with their father could be casualties.
Unless you resent him so much for it your marriage will be broken, there may be little to gain from leaving. Trying to find a suitable father for a second child especially within a relationship isn't going to be easy, so that's only really an option if you' re prepared to risk having two children alone.
Its very hard now, but in the context of a life time with all the joys and challenges, it doesn't need to be the tragedy that defines you. Few of us end up with the ideal life in one way or another and learn to be happy with what we have rather than hankering for what we don't. If you can't get what you want, I hope you manage to find peace with it.

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 11:45

@RishisProudMum I think it's disrespectful to turn around to your wife and say you do not want anymore than one child and I do not need to give you a reason?

Is that how you would commicate to your husband or wife? You have to discuss these things you can't just be like I'm not giving you a reason WTAF. 😳

Its unfair.

Merlott · 13/12/2022 11:45

Well I think he's being pretty awful. He has reneged on the agreement you both made when you got married, that you both wanted more than 1 child.

What is his reasoning? Is it finances? Risk to your health? Risk of an SEN child? Just cba with the baby stage? Sleepless nights?

I might get flamed for this but I would take a more subtle approach to first try and tease out from him what exactly his beef is and then from there look to quietly put things in place to address them.

This is assuming he is a decent husband and father in the first place of course...

I would go so far as to accept 100% that I would be doing every single night waking for example if that's something he cba with and swears never to do again. I would look around me for family/friends support for LO illness etc.

Once I had ducks in a row and felt reasonably sure he would stand by me.. I absolutely would "accidentally" look to get pregnant. I would take all the screening tests as your age makes you higher risk for developmental disorders and complications.

Of course he could well divorce you over it but only you know him well enough to determine that. Is he half way out of the door already?

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 11:45

Communicate

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 11:49

KrystynaZ · 13/12/2022 11:41

What are his reasons for not wanting another?
Are you willing to have a second child on your own?

@KrystynaZ

he doesn’t need specific reasons
he doesn’t want another
thats enough

Mostmarriedcouple · 13/12/2022 11:50

What is his reason for not wanting anymore? There must be one? Is it he doesn’t really enjoy being a parent or money issues? Maybe finding the root reasons could help resolve the problem as you can then properly talk through it

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 13/12/2022 11:50

Merlott · 13/12/2022 11:45

Well I think he's being pretty awful. He has reneged on the agreement you both made when you got married, that you both wanted more than 1 child.

What is his reasoning? Is it finances? Risk to your health? Risk of an SEN child? Just cba with the baby stage? Sleepless nights?

I might get flamed for this but I would take a more subtle approach to first try and tease out from him what exactly his beef is and then from there look to quietly put things in place to address them.

This is assuming he is a decent husband and father in the first place of course...

I would go so far as to accept 100% that I would be doing every single night waking for example if that's something he cba with and swears never to do again. I would look around me for family/friends support for LO illness etc.

Once I had ducks in a row and felt reasonably sure he would stand by me.. I absolutely would "accidentally" look to get pregnant. I would take all the screening tests as your age makes you higher risk for developmental disorders and complications.

Of course he could well divorce you over it but only you know him well enough to determine that. Is he half way out of the door already?

This advice is unhinged. I hate this argument that “well we agreed to have 3 children” it’s very easy to say before you had children. Once they are here feelings may change.
If you’d really rather get divorced than have one child then do that but don’t bring another life into the fuckery that you are suggesting here

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:50

electricmoccasins · 13/12/2022 11:37

I agree that there should always be a reason to have a child.

My question was because the Op had suggested they had discussed having 2-3 children in the past and her husband had changed his mind. If this is as she has stated, and the Op didn’t presume, then I feel her husband does owe her an explanation. He is allowed to change his mind for whatever reason, but he does need to acknowledge that he has done so. The Op can then also change her mind about whether to stay in the marriage or not.

Show quote history

I think that’s all perfectly fair. Totally agree.

Mostmarriedcouple · 13/12/2022 11:51

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 11:49

@KrystynaZ

he doesn’t need specific reasons
he doesn’t want another
thats enough

Show quote history

Of course he should give a specific reason. They are married for godsakes, they aren’t just two people dating.