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Original poster

Can't get over DH not wanting more children

243 replies

funder · 13/12/2022 10:16

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 11:51

Merlott · 13/12/2022 11:45

Well I think he's being pretty awful. He has reneged on the agreement you both made when you got married, that you both wanted more than 1 child.

What is his reasoning? Is it finances? Risk to your health? Risk of an SEN child? Just cba with the baby stage? Sleepless nights?

I might get flamed for this but I would take a more subtle approach to first try and tease out from him what exactly his beef is and then from there look to quietly put things in place to address them.

This is assuming he is a decent husband and father in the first place of course...

I would go so far as to accept 100% that I would be doing every single night waking for example if that's something he cba with and swears never to do again. I would look around me for family/friends support for LO illness etc.

Once I had ducks in a row and felt reasonably sure he would stand by me.. I absolutely would "accidentally" look to get pregnant. I would take all the screening tests as your age makes you higher risk for developmental disorders and complications.

Of course he could well divorce you over it but only you know him well enough to determine that. Is he half way out of the door already?

@Merlott

wow!

plus you do realise that some men if they don’t want a kid will wear condoms?

what would you do then?? How could you accidentally get pregnant then?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/12/2022 11:52

Happened to a friend of mine- she would easily have had lots of kids close in age. Her husband clearly hated the baby stage and the change in his lifestyle. She’s seemingly embraced the fun and freedom that comes with only one child, they will put him in private secondary and generally she’s focused on the good not the bad sides. Think she’s pretty happy.

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 11:54

if OP was younger! My advice to her would be quite different
Yes and I find it interesting that the husband has waited until her fertility has nearly expired before he informed her of his change of heart...

category12 · 13/12/2022 11:55

I would ask him to get a vasectomy then, so that you don't need to worry about contraception any more, plus saves any bother if contraception did fail and he then suspected you of getting pregnant on purpose.

It's one of those sad things, where you have to make a choice of your least worst option. If you love him and want to stay in the relationship, then perhaps have some counselling about how to accept this.

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:55

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 11:45

@RishisProudMum I think it's disrespectful to turn around to your wife and say you do not want anymore than one child and I do not need to give you a reason?

Is that how you would commicate to your husband or wife? You have to discuss these things you can't just be like I'm not giving you a reason WTAF. 😳

Its unfair.

Saying ‘I’m not giving you a reason’ and being honest about the fact that you have no reason other than just not wanting to are not the same thing. Unclear as to why you think they are.

I think they should communicate about it, but when it comes down to it ‘I don’t want to anymore’ is the only reason anyone needs to not have a child.

It’s not about ‘fairness’ to the partner. It’s about what’s fair to the child. If you’re going to create a life, you should both be all in. If you’re not, then that’s unfair.

cloudsandream · 13/12/2022 11:56

I think you should respect his decision OP. It does seem abit dramatic in my opinion that it’s ruining your everyday life. Why are you so insistent of having another? You already have a child and a husband you love, that’s loads to be grateful for.

Plus, you’re 40. Factor in you have to leave this man if you want another child, meet someone else that could take god knows how long, and then trying to get pregnant which again, could take damn forever if we’re being realistic here. You’re losing your marriage and causing havoc on your already existing child if you’re to pursue this fantasy/want. Your husband is being selfish but so are you. I mean, think of the economy and the earth anyway, do you really want to start over in times like these?

AlohaMolly · 13/12/2022 11:56

I’m in this position too, albeit nearly 4 years on from you. It has always been my dream to be a mum and I adore DS, but I always wanted more than 1. DP doesn’t want another and has openly said it’s because he ‘can’t be bothered.’ 3/4 years ago I was crying on an almost daily basis over it. It felt like grief, and I don’t say that lightly. Now DS is 6, nearly 7, and I have moved past the heart break feel of it, and can admit that there are some advantages to just having one now he’s a bit older and a bit more independent.

ultimatwly, I thought about leaving DP and doing it alone, multiple times a day. I’m confident in my parenting ability and knew j wouldn’t have an issue as a single parent, but I also knew that DP would go for 50/50 custody and I couldn’t do that. I will never forgive DP for destroying the only dream I ever had, but we’ve got to the point where we enjoy each others company again. It took years, though, and I often wish I was a stronger person and had done it anyway.

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:56

Merlott · 13/12/2022 11:45

Well I think he's being pretty awful. He has reneged on the agreement you both made when you got married, that you both wanted more than 1 child.

What is his reasoning? Is it finances? Risk to your health? Risk of an SEN child? Just cba with the baby stage? Sleepless nights?

I might get flamed for this but I would take a more subtle approach to first try and tease out from him what exactly his beef is and then from there look to quietly put things in place to address them.

This is assuming he is a decent husband and father in the first place of course...

I would go so far as to accept 100% that I would be doing every single night waking for example if that's something he cba with and swears never to do again. I would look around me for family/friends support for LO illness etc.

Once I had ducks in a row and felt reasonably sure he would stand by me.. I absolutely would "accidentally" look to get pregnant. I would take all the screening tests as your age makes you higher risk for developmental disorders and complications.

Of course he could well divorce you over it but only you know him well enough to determine that. Is he half way out of the door already?

Jesus Christ.

Chocolatefreak · 13/12/2022 11:57

He's telling you how he feels - essentially, that his happiness takes priority over yours. My husband delayed a second child because 'he wasn't ready yet' and eventually it was too late. This decision was an early pointer for his lack of concern for MY happiness and well-being; it was one of many decisions like this that has led to our divorce. I also wish my son had a brother or sister, mine have been the most valuable and consistent relationships in my life.

Find out his reasons - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide if these are compelling enough to make you want to stay with him - or if they are a sign that his needs will always be more important.

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 11:58

I would ask him to get a vasectomy then, so that you don't need to worry about contraception any more, plus saves any bother if contraception did fail and he then suspected you of getting pregnant on purpose
Absolutely if he doesn't want another child he has to take the hit to ensure it doesn't happen, if I was the op I would stop using contraception and make it clear that the ball is in his court (or rather his balls are on the line)

MarshaBradyo · 13/12/2022 11:59

This is so hard. I don’t know if he’s landed too much sadness on you to recover or how to fix how you feel but it’s tough on you.

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 11:59

If he won't have a vasectomy you know you can't trust him OP,

girlmom21 · 13/12/2022 12:00

OP what are his reasons for not wanting more, and what are yours for wanting more?

Are you taking contraception? I wouldn't stop this (as others have suggested) but I would tell him he needs to take responsibility and have the vasectomy.

What does he propose if an accident were to happen?

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:02

Once I had ducks in a row and felt reasonably sure he would stand by me.. I absolutely would "accidentally" look to get pregnant

that is absolutely disgustingly despicable, @Merlott. You should be ashamed.

I bet you'd go ballistic if your husband tampered with your birth control and got you pregant against your wishes...

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 12:04

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 11:55

Saying ‘I’m not giving you a reason’ and being honest about the fact that you have no reason other than just not wanting to are not the same thing. Unclear as to why you think they are.

I think they should communicate about it, but when it comes down to it ‘I don’t want to anymore’ is the only reason anyone needs to not have a child.

It’s not about ‘fairness’ to the partner. It’s about what’s fair to the child. If you’re going to create a life, you should both be all in. If you’re not, then that’s unfair.

Show quote history

Okay.... so if you want to come from that angle. Your absolutely right. You can't have it all in life and OP is perfectly entitled to leave her husband over this ( I am not suggesting that btw) but based upon your tone and theory if this was your opinion I would consider leaving you! If you were giving me that explanation as though I'm obligated to you (when it suits you).

I said YOUR opinion was unfair! I did not say her husbands choice was. You can't just look from ONE side. Resentment is a natural feeling and those that are just saying for OP to accept.... well she's struggling hence her OP.

It is about being fair your opinions, YOUR opinions are very one sided but im not arguing with you.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/12/2022 12:04

@funder would your DH go for counselling to discuss it?

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 12:07

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 11:59

If he won't have a vasectomy you know you can't trust him OP,

I've read that on here before. I fully agree!

Tell him OP to have the snip!

RishisProudMum · 13/12/2022 12:09

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 12:04

Okay.... so if you want to come from that angle. Your absolutely right. You can't have it all in life and OP is perfectly entitled to leave her husband over this ( I am not suggesting that btw) but based upon your tone and theory if this was your opinion I would consider leaving you! If you were giving me that explanation as though I'm obligated to you (when it suits you).

I said YOUR opinion was unfair! I did not say her husbands choice was. You can't just look from ONE side. Resentment is a natural feeling and those that are just saying for OP to accept.... well she's struggling hence her OP.

It is about being fair your opinions, YOUR opinions are very one sided but im not arguing with you.

Show quote history

I’m afraid that’s pretty unintelligible. I’m glad you’re not arguing with me, as I have no idea what you’re trying to say and can’t really respond to it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 12:09

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/12/2022 12:04

@funder would your DH go for counselling to discuss it?

@Apairofsparklingeyes

discuss…. Or persuade ?

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:11

And to all the people faulting the husband for going back on their agreement... really?!

Saying you want 2-3-a gazillion kids before you've had the first one is like a virgin saying they would be 100% into anal and double penetration.
You may say you've like something in theory, but you have zero idea how that would actually feel like. You're deciding on a fantasy. And the reality of parenthood might very well smack you in the face and make you reassess.

He's not required to give tangible reasons. Sometimes it's simply a matter of not wanting it. Just like you can feel broody against all rational reasons not to have more. You equally can feel a lack of desire for more, but not be able to explain it.

Plus, any reason he might give will only be used against him. She will use that as a lever and it will become ammunition in a negotiation that shouldn't be a negotiation.

Finally, @funder if you leave him in pursuit of more babies keep in mind that the day will come when your eldest puts two and two together and figures out that the reason their home was broken and he got shuttled around between two houses was that they weren't enough for you. That an illusive hypothetical baby was more important to you than their happiness and peace and stability. Are you prepared to deal with that guilt?

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 12:11

Chocolatefreak · 13/12/2022 11:57

He's telling you how he feels - essentially, that his happiness takes priority over yours. My husband delayed a second child because 'he wasn't ready yet' and eventually it was too late. This decision was an early pointer for his lack of concern for MY happiness and well-being; it was one of many decisions like this that has led to our divorce. I also wish my son had a brother or sister, mine have been the most valuable and consistent relationships in my life.

Find out his reasons - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide if these are compelling enough to make you want to stay with him - or if they are a sign that his needs will always be more important.

@Chocolatefreak

“Find out his reasons - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide if these are compelling enough to make you want to stay with him - or if they are a sign that his needs will always be more important.“

why? So op can judge whether they are worthy or valid or “compelling” enough? Is there some sort of standardised scale she can use to judge that? What if it’s just that he wants to be able to spend more time with his pals or in the gym - would that be worthy enough??

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 12:15

For me it all hinges on whether the husband is prepared to have a vasectomy, if he wants to keep his fertility when he has at the same time waited until her fertility has nearly expired then he is not acting in good faith...imo
At the very least I would be saying ok but I'm not doing contraception anymore, I'm not putting my body through that anymore

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:16

Chocolatefreak · 13/12/2022 11:57

He's telling you how he feels - essentially, that his happiness takes priority over yours. My husband delayed a second child because 'he wasn't ready yet' and eventually it was too late. This decision was an early pointer for his lack of concern for MY happiness and well-being; it was one of many decisions like this that has led to our divorce. I also wish my son had a brother or sister, mine have been the most valuable and consistent relationships in my life.

Find out his reasons - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide if these are compelling enough to make you want to stay with him - or if they are a sign that his needs will always be more important.

But equally he might say to her "why does your happiness take precedence over mine?"

Surely they will be at an impasse.

Their right to happiness is equal.

However, the hypothetical baby's right to not be born to a reluctant resentful father trumps both, no?

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 12:16

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/12/2022 12:11

@Chocolatefreak

“Find out his reasons - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide if these are compelling enough to make you want to stay with him - or if they are a sign that his needs will always be more important.“

why? So op can judge whether they are worthy or valid or “compelling” enough? Is there some sort of standardised scale she can use to judge that? What if it’s just that he wants to be able to spend more time with his pals or in the gym - would that be worthy enough??

Show quote history

@Chocolatefreak

and if she does deem his reasons to not be “compelling” well so what really?!
try and shame him?

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 12:17

@LuckySantangelo35 OP is entitled to make HER OWN choices just like her husband is. What don't you understand?

The husband can change his mind, absolutely and so can OP.

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