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Original poster

Can't get over DH not wanting more children

243 replies

funder · 13/12/2022 10:16

Hi,

We have a 4 year old together and always planned to have 2-3 children. My husband has since changed his mind and decided he is one and done. I have been desperately hoping he would change his mind but it's not happening. I am approaching 40 and feel desperately sad and upset over it. Not to sound dramatic but it is effecting my everyday day life. I feel like I've been in a depressive state since he told me.

How can I move past this. I love him so much but I fear this is ruining our relationship.

OP posts:
YourApplePie · 13/12/2022 12:18

This is one of those times that No is a complete sentence.

You need to decide how you wish to move forward from this.

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:18

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 12:17

@LuckySantangelo35 OP is entitled to make HER OWN choices just like her husband is. What don't you understand?

The husband can change his mind, absolutely and so can OP.

OPs choice would involve break up her existing kid's home. Why I no one considering what is best for the kid who is already here???

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:19

*breaking up

WoolyMammoth55 · 13/12/2022 12:21

OP, for what it's worth we have 2 small kids and the time since DS2 was born has been a massive strain on us as couple.

I have no regrets about our 2nd baby but I think my DH does, and we are having counselling to see how we get things back on track.

Life with 2 kids is intense and it's especially galling seeing friends who stopped at one child start getting their free time back etc while we remain buried under a mountain of nappies!

If you love your DH then please just talk to him about how you feel - there's a lot of insanity on this thread but his position isn't unreasonable, in and of itself.

Best of luck xx

diddl · 13/12/2022 12:25

How long have you known that he didn't want more?

Why did you think that he would change his mind?

BloodAndFire · 13/12/2022 12:27

@Chocolatefreak
I also wish my son had a brother or sister, mine have been the most valuable and consistent relationships in my life.

my siblings have been the most consistently awful aspect of my life and I wish my parents had stopped after me. That really is neither here nor there. The op wants a 2nd child for herself.

Badger1970 · 13/12/2022 12:28

It would be a deal breaker for me. We had 4 (including one stillbirth), and I did respect DH when he said "no more" after the last one, as we were both exhausted from the process of high risk pregnancies and births but it was tough to hear. I honestly would have wanted another, and it took some time to come to terms with.

Had he said that after our 1st, I would have left. It's not just being a Mum to one now, it's your whole future of adult children/grandchildren that he's limiting with his decision. He has the right to make this decision, of course, but you also have the right to say it's not something you want to live with.

Bubblesdublin · 13/12/2022 12:28

Most women can still concieve at 39 so probably best to leave him and find someone else. If dont find someone there are donors.

KatherineJaneway · 13/12/2022 12:31

Does he know how badly you are feeling about this?

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:31

Bubblesdublin · 13/12/2022 12:28

Most women can still concieve at 39 so probably best to leave him and find someone else. If dont find someone there are donors.

And fuck their existing child and their best interest of having having stable home life and not being shuttled between parents and deal with the tensions and pitfalls of blended families. Right?

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 12:32

Had he said that after our 1st, I would have left
Many men would realise that and act strategically to make sure they get what they want ie pretend they might want another child but what they're really doing is running the clock down so that her fertility expires.
In my experience men generally act strategically so that they can prioritise their needs, women should do the same.

Bananagirl23 · 13/12/2022 12:36

i know it’s hard but as others say you need to focus on the child you do have - many want a child but will never have one. You are also lucky to have a DH who you love. Try to work on keeping the family unit you have strong and full of love. As others suggested it might be worth speaking to a therapist to help focus on the positive aspects of what you have, even if it’s different from how you might have once imagined your future. I have one DC - I had such severe PND that doctors advised me not to try for another - it’s something similarly out of my control that I’ve had to come to terms with over the years.

Autumninnewyork · 13/12/2022 12:36

setting aside your and DH’s preferences, have you discussed what it means for your child to be an only child? Nothing wrong with having an only child but hasDH considered it from your child’s perspective, rather than just his own? Caring for elderly parents, having a playmate etc

Chimna · 13/12/2022 12:38

Both of your feelings are valid but alot of moving forward if you decided to stay with him would come down to how much resentment is there? How have you got to a place where you are 39 and not in agreement? Did he string you along for a long time before having the first then changed his mind? Or was it more of a mutual decision? Was about afterwards, when did he come to this decision if no more? Did he wait until you're approaching 40 to tell you? You do have options obviously. But if you desperately wanted another going it along with sperm donation would be the most is most realistic. If you did stay with him would you be able to move on from your feelings? I guess alot will depend on how much you feel he has forced you into this position. I agree with PPs that if he's adamant, he should be having a vasectomy and not leaving contraception to you. Why should you be making all the effort to prevent a pregnancy that you want.

5128gap · 13/12/2022 12:39

Chocolatefreak · 13/12/2022 11:57

He's telling you how he feels - essentially, that his happiness takes priority over yours. My husband delayed a second child because 'he wasn't ready yet' and eventually it was too late. This decision was an early pointer for his lack of concern for MY happiness and well-being; it was one of many decisions like this that has led to our divorce. I also wish my son had a brother or sister, mine have been the most valuable and consistent relationships in my life.

Find out his reasons - he owes you that at least. Then you can decide if these are compelling enough to make you want to stay with him - or if they are a sign that his needs will always be more important.

I don't think its as simple as saying his happiness is being prioritised over hers and that this necessarily indicates a selfishness or lack of care. The desires of the two parties here are not equal. One wants something permanently life changing, on every level. Financially, practically, emotionally. The other just wants to maintain the status quo.
OP is faced with accepting the life she has, versus a ppotential she would prefer. He is faced with giving up the life he has for one he doesn't want.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 13/12/2022 12:39

What an awful position to be in. I think whatever you do it's going to leave you sad. Leave to have another baby, the child won't be a full sibling to your existing child and will either have no dad or one you really won't know if they will stick around, which will impact your other child. Stay and don't have another child, be sad but your existing child has a dad and your marriage hopefully recovers?

I wouldn't endorse tricking your husband, that's awful and will probably spell the end of your marriage... although your other child would have a full sibling. Don't do that though.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 13/12/2022 12:39

@LuckySantangelo35 counselling would be to talk through the issues in front of someone neutral without getting into further arguments. It could be very helpful to them as this could potentially avoid a divorce.

User963 · 13/12/2022 12:40

We were in this position when I was in mid thirties. We did try for two years but it didn’t happen and then we stopped as DH didn’t really want a second.
I’m mid forties now and I don’t feel sad about it anymore. Two would have been quite stressful for us and maybe the fact we did try and it didn’t happen helps.
Im probably one of those people though who doesn’t stew on stuff which didn’t happen. I definitely reached a point where going back to the sleepless nights and being constantly ill put me off wanting another once the age gap would have been quite big.
I think at your age it is always possible it wouldn’t happen anyway. For me the pain has gone now although at the time I was devastated.

LaLuz7 · 13/12/2022 12:40

Autumninnewyork · 13/12/2022 12:36

setting aside your and DH’s preferences, have you discussed what it means for your child to be an only child? Nothing wrong with having an only child but hasDH considered it from your child’s perspective, rather than just his own? Caring for elderly parents, having a playmate etc

Many siblings play together like cats and dogs.

Caring for elderly parents usually falls disproportionately to one sibling anyways. Usually the daughter/the eldest/whoever lives close by.

Not good enough reasons to have a second you don't want.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/12/2022 12:43

It hurts because it's a betrayal and wanting a further baby is carnal. Your DH agreed to two or three. He has betrayed your trust. I think your hurt is entirely justified. The relationship may be over or never as it was. I wonder if counselling could help.

Newlifestartingatlast · 13/12/2022 12:44

EcoChica1980 · 13/12/2022 10:53

You have a child and a husband you love. There’s lot to be grateful for.

She is also grieving for a second child she’ll never have …would you say that if someone in her life died?

TERRRYsnotmine · 13/12/2022 12:45

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 12:32

Had he said that after our 1st, I would have left
Many men would realise that and act strategically to make sure they get what they want ie pretend they might want another child but what they're really doing is running the clock down so that her fertility expires.
In my experience men generally act strategically so that they can prioritise their needs, women should do the same.

THIS. It's often the woman drawing the short stick across the board!

CarmenBizet · 13/12/2022 12:47

Soothsayer1 · 13/12/2022 10:59

I agree with @SpringIntoChaos all you can do here is choose the least worst option.

I think this will become an increasingly common scenario, as women increasingly expect men to step up and do their fair share, men will refuse to become parents.

Mostly men want the status and kudos that comes with being seen as a family man but they don't want to do the menial boring restrictive work of caring for young children

Honestly... this is spot on.

When we had our son we realised that the 50/50 balance in terms of care we aspired to and mostly achieved is very much not the norm. DH's health and career was impacted just as much as mine. He did absolutely everything I did for the baby and there was no real difference between the two of us and what we provided. I look around and see most families where the father 'helps' a bit but most of it falls on the mother.

DH is OAD. I want a second. I look around at other families and think 'why are these other men so happy to have another?' and I believe the answer is because it doesn't really affect them all that much. Financially, yes, but otherwise? Their life doesn't change much. Their sleep isn't affected, their career isn't affected, so it's a much easier decision. And I'd rather have an equal coparent with one than two kids with someone less equal or involved. Whereas when he thinks about a second it's as heavy a decision to make as it is for a mother.

Two options here OP:

  1. Accept it, and enjoy your family with one child
  2. Leave and try elsewhere

You can't expect someone to have a child they don't actively want, it's not fair on anyone in this scenario. You have to decide what's most important to you. A possible second child solo or in a blended family? Or a united family with the one you have? For me as much as it hurts, I choose to keep my otherwise happy family together as I simply couldn't split us up and put my child through that for my own desire, I just couldn't. But it does help to remember I have options and so do you. You don't have to accept this. You can't have a second with him, but that doesn't mean you can't try for a second.

Winterpetal · 13/12/2022 12:47

I had 4 children
I was an only ,and very lonely child myself.
without siblings ,and dreadful dreadful parents,I’ve felt very alone ,most of my life
so for me
had a partner said he was done after one ,especially after agreeing to more ,I would of 100% left him to start again and have more children.
as an adult without siblings,you haven’t got the support in the world others with siblings have ..I would not of wanted that for my first child
it’s obviously a different situation if one of the parents can’t have children
but the op is discussing a situation where her partner is saying no more .
anyway ,rightly or wrongly ,that’s what I would do

CarmenBizet · 13/12/2022 12:49

WoolyMammoth55 · 13/12/2022 12:21

OP, for what it's worth we have 2 small kids and the time since DS2 was born has been a massive strain on us as couple.

I have no regrets about our 2nd baby but I think my DH does, and we are having counselling to see how we get things back on track.

Life with 2 kids is intense and it's especially galling seeing friends who stopped at one child start getting their free time back etc while we remain buried under a mountain of nappies!

If you love your DH then please just talk to him about how you feel - there's a lot of insanity on this thread but his position isn't unreasonable, in and of itself.

Best of luck xx

I know so many families who fell apart after the second arrived, even when they were wanted by both parents. There are worse outcomes here OP than not having a second. If you had a crystal ball and could see what having a second child with a resentful, reluctant father would be like, I think you would see that.