DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

[Ifeelabitweird]

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

Some people have a very, very hard time emotionally around Christmas. It sounds as though your partner does. Perhaps try to have some discussions about how he's feeling and why.

My parents and sibling have passed away and I spend Christmas with my DH’s family and I fucking HATE it. It does a real number on my mental health, brings back intense feelings of grief and loss and if I could opt out, I absolutely would (but we have two kids who want to see their extended family so I suck it up and get on with it, but it takes me weeks to recover my equilibrium).

Do you live together?

My first thought was that his want to spend Christmas alone is strange. But after reading your post, I get where he's coming from. It might be quite overwhelming for him to spend Christmas with lots of people who he's not close with. There are lots of life long emotions around Christmas time and it might just be too much for him. If I was you, I would let him know that you would really like to spend Christmas with him but if he doesn't want to spend the day with your daughter and her family, there are lots of nice plans that you could make for just the two of you over the festive period.

It does sound quite hard tbh. I wouldn't want to do it. I think you need to find a bit of empathy and respect his decision.

So he'll be with you, 7 other adults, and their babies, at your daughter's house?

Just checking before I stick my oar in and make a tit of my mixed metaphors, so to speak.

@RefuseTheLies really sorry to hear that, I hope it will get easier for you as time goes on 💐
Last year he said Christmas time brings back memories of his siblings and his mum (who passed when he was a teenager), but he puts a brave face on things
I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I worry with this sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway

@AutumnCrow yes that’s about right!

Tbh, OP, I can understand where he’s coming from. That sounds like a pretty intense family day which is lovely for the family members themselves (including you) but is quite hard to come into from outside unless you’re hugely extroverted. You won’t really be doing anything alone when you have so much of your family around you. I don’t think you should regard it as a rejection of you.

@determinedtomakethiswork not quite! he stays at mine about 5 days out of 7, has a lot of stuff here

It would be completely wrong to try to force him especially when he’s explained that it’s a painful time for him. I don’t think it’s people-pleasing to allow him not to join you. You can still have a lovely family day and then you and he can spend Boxing Day together or whatever.

That’s hard to hear, like a rug being pulled out from under you, and poor timing given so close to Christmas now and stopping you sleeping.

First, wanting to spend Christmas alone does not immediately equal ‘I don’t want to spend Christmas with you’. As you say, he’s experienced loss and that might be felt in stereo when with others.

Can you deal with one thing at a time, starting with him so you know where you stand? When things are calmer can you give him ‘the floor’ to share more about his perspective, what he’s feeling, temporarily keeping your view inside? If he can share, he might feel reassured to reconsider, and/or you will have info to then decide what you want to do/say, for you?

In the meantime, can you distract yourself, do the 4,4,4 breathing to try to relax. Right now, I’d suggest that your rest is more important than anything else.

There are some times in life when one person's needs trump another's in a relationship. This sounds like one of them. My only concern here would be making sure that he knows that joining in the day at any point and for any length of time if he feels up to it is always an option (assuming it is close by) and that he absolutely can contact you if his day alone gets hard and he needs to talk.

Yeah that wouldn’t be people pleasing at all. OP, Insisting on your own needs in these circumstances would seem a bit inconsiderate. It’s fine if you communicate you would rather him there, but don’t pile the pressure on because then if he does say yes it will be a case of he is the one people pleasing. Who knows, if you just leave him to it he may change his mind and show up because he genuinely wants to be there. But it’s understandable if he sticks to his guns - I can imagine it’s a very painful time of year for him.

Thank you everyone. I have problems putting boundaries in place and apart from being upset, and yes, I suppose feeling rejected, I was worrying that I was letting myself be walked over.
The last thing I want to do is upset him, I love him dearly, and your input has put it into perspective a bit better for me.

It sounds as if he thinks it’ll be overwhelming and too emotional with that number of people, all from your side of the family, and no one from his.

I’m sure your children would be very welcoming and it probably wouldn’t be as overwhelming as he believes- but if he’s adamant, I’d let him be and enjoy the day with your DC/DGC.

To be honest I am doing the same - bailed out of my extended family Christmas Day as it’s just got bigger (thirteen not counting me). Like another poster I’ve lost both my parents and most recently lost my sibling very suddenly. It’s the 27th anniversary of losing my mum this week so I find Christmas very hard and this year I really just can’t face it - I just want it to be January. But it isn’t January yet, so I’m planning on a quiet day at home, a walk, and nice food and new books.

I don't blame him. That's a lot of someone else's family to deal with.

Can't you spend Christmas Eve with him, do something special & lovely together, and then do family Christmas while he gets a bit of peace.

'I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I worry with this sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway'

You can't insist, that would be cruel. If you were trying too hard to please him you'd offer to drop your plans with your family to be with him alone. The right thing to do is in the middle - accept he doesn't want to go but keep your plans with your family.

I can completely see why you are bummed out by this - must be disappointing. However, I can see his point. I know a few people who get maudlin around Christmas, even though they do have living family. Can't imagine what it would be like if everyone was gone 😢If it were me, I'd probably go to the Christmas event with my extended family, but make sure to spend a chunk of time with the partner too - a nice breakfast before you go, or get back early for supper for example. And remind him that he's welcome at any time, if he changes his mind mid day. He might be more inclined to go later on a whim, or another year perhaps, if there's less pressure. Is the event close to where you are living?

Oh, and I he is a bit maudlin, he might not be much fun then anyway. Alone might be better.

You say he stays with you 5 days our of 7, does he contribute to your bills then?

I wonder if he sees you as Mrs right now that he can sponge off of. and in that case of course ge wouldthenwantbto soend time around your family because they'd recognise he was a using bastard.

Alternatively though, maybe he's just hit a family Christmas kind of oerson. Let alone someone else's family. I wouldn't want to do that either tvh xD I prefer Christmas in my jammies watching chappy Christmas films. I could happily spend it with a partner. But not their family.

*he wouldn't then want to spend

Oh ffs
*isn't a family
*crappy

Dp and I have been together 2 years and we haven't spent any of Christmas together yet. I don't really see it as a huge deal, we're not ready. He spends the key bits with his ex-wife, his adult children and his parents; I spend it with ds and various bits of my family. One day we will probably do at least some of it together. There's no rush.

However, if he always gets low at Christmas you may always find that you need to do some of this with other people. That tbh is preferable to a miserable Christmas with someone who refuses to do any of the bits you like - I've been there in the past.