Page 9 | DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

Ifeelabitweird · 2022-12-11T00:04:34+00:00

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil. He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep. He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop. I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 11/12/2022 12:53

He didn't say he wants to spend it alone he said he doesn't want to spend it with your family ?

Sundayvibes · 11/12/2022 12:55

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 11/12/2022 12:05

Well, I'm going to go against the grain here. I think he sounds ridiculous. The only reason I can think of, that would excuse his behaviour, is if he's lost a child, and it would be too painful seeing you with yours at Christmas. Has he?

I'm guessing that he's in his 60's or older, given that you have grandkids, and at that age we have ALL lost our parents. You've opened up your life and family to him, and he's basically said "no thanks". I would be extremely hurt and confused by this.

I can't quite believe all the namby pambying responses, about how it would be difficult to have a day with your family. Really? A Christmas meal cooked for him, some drinks, and maybe some games. He's not being asked to work on the roads all afternoon, FGS

Sorry, but he sounds totally lacking in empathy and without resilience. Also quite selfish, letting you go alone, knowing that you won't really enjoy it, as you'll be worrying about how he's doing all alone, crying in to his Bailey's.

Uurg. I bet you've spent most of your adult life pandering to men's wants and needs (haven't we all), and now you're finally getting to your golden years and have to deal with this wet lettuce. I'm a similar age to you Op, and I couldn't be doing with it.

I also noted he's at yours 5 days a week. Is he paying his way?

Put the sherry down hun

Finaldestitution · 11/12/2022 12:56

Sorry but I get entirely where he’s coming from . I’d never want to spend Christmas at someone else’s house . I have turned down invites and chosen to be alone rather than in a busy house . I have my adult DD DGC ,DH and DS with me Xmas day. I’m already looking for ward to kicking them out / sending to bed and enjoying the evening but where I get to be alone .
you couldn’t pay me a million quid to spend it with anyone else’s family.

80s · 11/12/2022 12:58

Good on you for seeing it from his POV too OP. Was he apologetic about not wanting to go, or understanding about the fact that you'd like to take him? He should be thinking about your feelings too, ideally without prompting, as it must be hard to say how you feel without sounding like you're trying to make him feel guilty.

whatodowhattodo · 11/12/2022 13:00

80s · 11/12/2022 12:58

Good on you for seeing it from his POV too OP. Was he apologetic about not wanting to go, or understanding about the fact that you'd like to take him? He should be thinking about your feelings too, ideally without prompting, as it must be hard to say how you feel without sounding like you're trying to make him feel guilty.

Agree with this. Both perspectives are important to give time and consideration to, even if they don’t match.

MysteryBelle · 11/12/2022 13:04

I’ve only read the first page but I understand his perspective and also yours. He doesn’t know your family that well, is that right? I would spend part of the day with your family and part of the day with him, making sure you do get in enough time with your family as they are all together. Going forward, plan out time spent casually with your family members throughout the year if they’re close enough, with your partner so that he will want to spend Christmas with them next year. Let us know how you get on.

popularinthe80s · 11/12/2022 13:13

I'm so sorry, @PauliesWalnuts and everyone else on this thread who has lost people dear to them, and for whom Christmas is such a painful, aching time.

Blossomtoes · 11/12/2022 13:17

We’re talking about misery guts who wants to sit on his own all day rather than join in with her family so there’s a complete incompatibility. these types literally suck the joy out of every occasion.

How can you suck joy out of an occasion if you’re not even there? One day @Justthisonce12 you’ll experience loss and the pain it causes and then you might acquire a little empathy.

aSofaNearYou · 11/12/2022 13:23

I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I worry with this sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway

I'm a bit confused by these comments - he's not expecting you to not go, is he? He just doesn't want to go himself. So of course you're not being too much of a people pleaser and burying your own needs - if anything it sounds like you're burying his by even considering "insisting" he goes.

It would be different if what you were debating was him wanting you to stay at home with just him rather than see your family.

excelledyourself · 11/12/2022 13:33

I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I worry with this sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway

If anyone even attempted to insist I do this, when I had explained my very valid feelings and reasons, I wouldn't be spending any day with them, full stop.

And I often find people who say things like 'I'm a people pleaser' are actually martyrs, more than anything.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2022 13:40

excelledyourself · 11/12/2022 13:33

I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I worry with this sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway

If anyone even attempted to insist I do this, when I had explained my very valid feelings and reasons, I wouldn't be spending any day with them, full stop.

And I often find people who say things like 'I'm a people pleaser' are actually martyrs, more than anything.

I find this 'wondering whether to insist' a bit baffling. What if she insists and he says no, what's she going to do, drag him bodily? and given that OH has said he ALREADY feels pressured (which does suggest that some 'insisting' has already happened), why does she want someone she presumably loves and cares for to spend the whole day not enjoying himself?

Anyone, it appears that OP has taken comments on board and is talking to the OH.

RachelGreep87 · 11/12/2022 13:57

Janieread · 11/12/2022 12:09

Miserable sod. Way to make Christmas all about him!

How is he making it all about him?
OP has said he would never ask her not to go to her family, he is quietly and respectfully declining.

Lots of projection on this thread

TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 11/12/2022 14:08

@BoingBoing999 thank you. But, if we can't do this for people we love at this time of the year then when can we?!

We are mid 40s and most of our mates are settled down with families and onto buying larger homes and therefore excited about Christmas. She has a myriad of feelings about it all and I know it's worse now for her. We have lots of bubbly, good food and crap TV planned. Should aid us through 🤗

Justthisonce12 · 11/12/2022 15:08

Blossomtoes · 11/12/2022 13:17

We’re talking about misery guts who wants to sit on his own all day rather than join in with her family so there’s a complete incompatibility. these types literally suck the joy out of every occasion.

How can you suck joy out of an occasion if you’re not even there? One day @Justthisonce12 you’ll experience loss and the pain it causes and then you might acquire a little empathy.

I’d say, that’s all the more reason blossom toes to make sure that you have a lovely day with the new people in your life. To savour every moment.

PurpleButterflyWings · 11/12/2022 15:29

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2022 10:52

DC was just being kind, and thought me and DH would be lonely and 'left out' not being included. They couldn't be more wrong. We LOVE Christmas Day alone

I think that last bit is what people can't get their head around. The message is drummed into everyone that Christmas is for families. All the ads show happy laughing people around a table positively groaning with festive goodies. All the films are about families getting together, even if it's in the last few minutes. Admit that you don't enjoy all that or don't want to participate and are, like you and me, perfectly content to have a quiet Christmas pleasing yourself and you might as well have a badge saying LONER&WEIRDO pinned to your jumper.

Sooo true @MrsDanversGlidesAgain !!! Oddly, people who like a quiet Christmas with just one or two people don't badger/bother/mither/bully the super extrovert ones who just HAVE to be around 30+ people, to be alone with just them. .. Yet the people who just HAVE to have 30+ people around them can't leave more introverted people alone, badger them and bully them to 'socialise' and treat them like there is something wrong with them.

PurpleButterflyWings · 11/12/2022 15:34

@Justthisonce12

Because she has a large jolly family that want to meet up and spend time together and he can’t cope with it, and this will be the case for every christening every wedding every 80th birthday every 18th birthday he will just be the sour Puss that pours cold water on it for her you’re better off finding somebody that wants to enjoy these occasions because this misery guts isn’t it. There’s far too much of this bullshit being tolerated at the moment.

What a load of utter nonsense. Just because the OP's partner doesn't want a shit load of her extended family forced on him on Christmas day this year, that doesn't mean he will never go to every 80th, 70th, 60th birthday party , engagement party, wedding, Christening, 21st birthday party, bar mitzvah etc etc etc forevermore. They have only been together 2 years FFS.. . Like fuck would I have someone BULLYING me into spending Christmas day with a bunch of people I barely know.

People like you really boil my piss tbh.

Also, PMSL at 'she has a large jolly family.' WTAF?! 😂

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2022 15:41

Also, PMSL at 'she has a large jolly family.' WTAF?!

Large families at Christmas are always jolly, it's the rools; no-one drops the turkey or burns the sprouts or has a MIL they'd rather not see or ducks out of charades to go and watch the telly and gets called a miserable joysucker or throws a tantrum or gets drunk and brings up half a lifetime of grievances so at least five people go home in a tempest of wounded feelings....they're all gambolling around like the Cratchits.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2022 15:42

they're all gambolling around like the Cratchits

Well, not Tiny Tim, obviously.

Scalottia · 11/12/2022 15:47

Janieread · 11/12/2022 12:15

So what if its not fun for him? Sometimes we have to do things we don't particularly enjoy for the people we love. I wouldn't want to be with someone who found a day or so with a big happy noisy family so impossible they'd rather sulk at home.

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See, we are all different. I would mind spending the day with a big happy noisy family. That's my choice. You are free to love it - that's your choice. It's not sulking. It's just someone who has a different idea of what's fun. There's nothing wrong with both views.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 11/12/2022 15:57

I wouldn't want to be with someone who found a day or so with a big happy noisy family so impossible they'd rather sulk at home

I would. Someone like that would suit me down to the ground.

Also - we don't know that they are happy, and he's not sulking. He's asked to be left to spend the day how he wants.

Blossomtoes · 11/12/2022 16:03

Justthisonce12 · 11/12/2022 15:08

I’d say, that’s all the more reason blossom toes to make sure that you have a lovely day with the new people in your life. To savour every moment.

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Which just goes to show that you just haven’t got a clue. Hopefully you’ll never find out and will continue on your merry way in blissful ignorance.

Janieread · 11/12/2022 16:05

Blossomtoes · 11/12/2022 16:03

Which just goes to show that you just haven’t got a clue. Hopefully you’ll never find out and will continue on your merry way in blissful ignorance.

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I think most people above a certain age are very well acquainted with grief and loss, sadly. People deal with it differently, as this thread shows.

bubbleandsqueakk · 11/12/2022 16:15

Christmas is an incredibly hard time for some people. It highlights loss/ bereavement and difficult relationships especially when other families seem so perfect

PurpleButterflyWings · 11/12/2022 16:37

Scalottia · 11/12/2022 12:12

Oh for god's sake. Do people really struggle to understand that for some of us, spending a full day with other people's kids, siblings, parents etc is JUST NOT FUN? Has nothing to do with pandering to men at all...in fact really the OP is expecting him to pander to her need to spend christmas with HER family. Fine, I get that OP wants to - makes sense, it's her family. It also makes sense that he doesn't want to.

It's nothing to do with him being a man. I am a woman of similar age and I would also hate this expectation. Other people's families just aren't that interesting to me.

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THIS! ^

PurpleButterflyWings · 11/12/2022 16:38

Sundayvibes · 11/12/2022 12:55

Put the sherry down hun

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