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Original poster

DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

236 replies

Ifeelabitweird · 11/12/2022 00:04

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

OP posts:
BessieSurtees · 11/12/2022 08:50

You didn’t know whether to insist?

If you have difficulty setting boundaries perhaps you could consider that maybe he is setting boundaries for himself?

While that Christmas dinner may sound idyllic to you it could just be too much for him. Does he have any kind of relationship with your DCs DGC? He’s been invited he has declined.

Do you have other plans together over the Xmas period?

Over40Overdating · 11/12/2022 08:50

If I had no living family left and found Christmas hard and my still new partner threw a tantrum about how hard it was for them because I didn’t want to play happy families with a house full of people, I’d be making some serious resolutions of changing my relationship status for the new year.

Respecting your partners feelings isn’t people pleasing.

It’s being compassionate and part of adult relationship where people’s feelings and needs count.

CoffeeBoy · 11/12/2022 08:52

I hate Christmas. My parents are both dead. I have a brother and dh and dd but no extended family. I can understand not wanting to spend the day with people I don’t know very well.

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 08:59

NuffSaidSam · 11/12/2022 00:12

It does sound quite hard tbh. I wouldn't want to do it. I think you need to find a bit of empathy and respect his decision.

You wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with your family??

(Let’s remember, we are talking about the OP’dcs and partners etc… when he CHOSE to be with her, he decided to accept her family as a package right?
How can you say I’m happy to be with you but I don’t want to see your own children…)

noscoobydoodle · 11/12/2022 08:59

Before we had kids my DP spent every Christmas alone. I must admit the first year I was a bit taken aback but he has very crappy memories of Christmas growing up and some bereavements that mean Xmas just isn't for him and all the 'happy family' stuff just rubs it in. We now have kids and he has changed his approach and he doesn't have Xmas day alone- although he doesn't always participate in my extended family pre-xmas gathering. The dogs also usually get a reaaaaally long walk on Xmas day so he gets a bit of escape!

Sunshineandflipflops · 11/12/2022 08:59

Op, I have been with my dp for 3 years.

He’s not big into Xmas, partly due to past experiences and partly due to the forced happiness. I have always loved it, until my marriage broke down spectacularly and unexpectedly at Xmas 5 years ago.
I have dc though so have tried my Beamer to make it good for them and this is the first year I have actually felt in the Xmas spirit.

My dp would happily spend the day on his own but is coming to us late Xmas morning once me and (teen) dc have opened our presents and will help me make Xmas dinner for my parents. My ex will then go to their dads and we will spend the evening on our own.

This feels like a compromise for everyone so can you do something similar so that it’s not so overwhelming?

cleanfreak12345 · 11/12/2022 08:59

I think it probably sounds a bit suffocating for him to be around all those people he barely knows

I get that

BLT2022 · 11/12/2022 09:03

The only way he would be walking over you would be if he was isolating you from your family and insisting you spend Christmas with him and not them. It sounds like he just can't face what you have planned.

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 09:03

@Over40Overdating it works both ways though.
How can you say his needs and greater than hers from a few lines on the Screen?

Why is it automatically that the OP is horrible to want to spend Christmas with her children (and the first Christmas of 2 grand children)?
Is it because we talk about death (despite no idea of how long said parents are dead)? Because he is a man and women should be kind?

PearlclutchersInc · 11/12/2022 09:04

Sounds awful. Don't blame him tbh

popularinthe80s · 11/12/2022 09:09

@VahineNuiWentHome I understand what you're saying, but no.
I'm a woman, and I want my DH to be kind to me about understanding that I don't want to spend Christmas with his family. Not because they aren't lovely people or because I don't love him. Because it hurts too much when you don't have family of your own and you've had significant bereavements. It doesn't matter how long ago those people died. There isn't an expiry date on grief.
It's not about his needs trumping hers. As people have articulated far more eloquently than me upthread, it's about finding a way for both people to have their needs respected. No one is 'getting their way' or winning here. Winning is having the people you love back with you, and/or having the family you wanted, which isn't unfortunately possible.

loislovesstewie · 11/12/2022 09:09

There is a big fantasy about Xmas isn't there? We are all supposed to be thrilled by the prospect of getting together with our friends and family, having a huge meal, play party games, like we are in a Dickens novel. In reality, some want a bit of peace and quiet, some of us would prefer to eat spag bol and ice cream, and some prefer to ignore the whole thing. It's not being a misery guts, it should be about what we each prefer. Im not keen for my own reasons, when the kids were small I made a huge effort, now they are adults we are doing what makes us happy. My DH died this year, he loved Xmas, we are having a very quiet one this year because we agreed that is what we want. Leave him to enjoy the day as he wants, if he wants to have a quiet Boxing day with you then would that be OK?

pd339 · 11/12/2022 09:12

I can understand entirely where he's coming from. I'd find it massively overwhelming to spend Christmas with a load of people I'm not particular close to, and would feel sad that I no longer had family of my own. You should respect his decision.

WhirlyTwirly · 11/12/2022 09:13

I’m with your DP. Go to your daughters alone but also try to make his Christmas special by spending time together on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. If he was excited about getting a Christmas tree and food etc, I would cook another Christmas dinner for just the two of you on Boxing Day.

If he starts to make new happy Christmas memories with you then he might feel better about joining in with family festivities another year.

TellySavalashairbrush · 11/12/2022 09:14

I don’t like Christmas either tbh and feel sad, but I don’t think you should miss your Christmas with your children and grandchildren. Ask dp if he’d like to pop over to your dd house maybe in the evening when the majority of the festivities will be over. I too am a people pleaser, but it would not be right to isolate yourself from your children/grandchildren just to appease dp.

MargotChateau · 11/12/2022 09:14

It would be very unreasonable and unkind to make your partner feel bad for wanting to withdraw from Christmas.

I’ve endured so many Christmas’s with my inlaws (and before that well meaning friend’s family holiday celebrations) and I hate it.

For me, being around other people’s flesh and blood, reminds me that most of my family are dead and that I’m pretty much alone in the world. It’s very, very hard and sad. For a man that may not be able to articulate quite how hard this is for him, I think he’s been as clear as day that he emotionally isn’t able to do it.

I’ve had one Christmas at home with my partner and it was bliss, I edited out any of the bits of Christmas that make me sad, but enjoyed all the bits that don’t have sad memories (making gingerbread snowman, Christmas decorations, watching home and alone and diehard) and actually had a wonderful time.

I then did another 3 with my inlaws (horrid) and this year I get a home alone one with my partner again as I’m very pregnant and can’t travel. Cannot wait!

Please don’t try and convince him to come, he knows himself well enough to know it will make him unhappy, and let your children know that it’s a tough time of year for him and to give him the grace and kindness I’ve never received my own inlaws.

PrinceHaz · 11/12/2022 09:14

I guess what he means by wanting to spend Christmas alone is wanting to spend it alone with you, but as he knows he can’t do that, alone would still be significantly better for him than being with the family group.

Over40Overdating · 11/12/2022 09:16

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 09:03

@Over40Overdating it works both ways though.
How can you say his needs and greater than hers from a few lines on the Screen?

Why is it automatically that the OP is horrible to want to spend Christmas with her children (and the first Christmas of 2 grand children)?
Is it because we talk about death (despite no idea of how long said parents are dead)? Because he is a man and women should be kind?

Hope you didn’t hurt yourself on that reach.

No where did I say his feelings come first because he’s a man.
Or that the OP should not spend her Christmas Day as planned with her family. Her partner hasn’t said he expects that of her either.

If you want to talk about compromise and needs - start with OP. Her partner - like many people - struggles with Christmas due to grief / loss / issues. He is excited to do some Christmas stuff with her but a houseful of people is too much.

Her response is to centre her own hurt feelings and ask if she’s the victim because she decided having a partner means never having to do Christmas as a single person again.

Not seeing a whole lot of compromise or ‘be kind’ there.

MichelleScarn · 11/12/2022 09:20

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 08:59

You wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with your family??

(Let’s remember, we are talking about the OP’dcs and partners etc… when he CHOSE to be with her, he decided to accept her family as a package right?
How can you say I’m happy to be with you but I don’t want to see your own children…)

Show quote history

It's ops family, not his though. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that meant anything my partner did with their family I had to do to!

popularinthe80s · 11/12/2022 09:21

I expect what I am about to say comes from my own deep grief, but if my partner took the stance that it was my way or the highway, I would take the highway. If they couldn't respect my feelings about this, what else would we be arguing about in a few years' time?

Xenia · 11/12/2022 09:22

May be just let him be or suggest one event (eg church or a walk after lunch) that he might join in just to see your whole family even if just briefly

SoupDragon · 11/12/2022 09:23

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 08:59

You wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with your family??

(Let’s remember, we are talking about the OP’dcs and partners etc… when he CHOSE to be with her, he decided to accept her family as a package right?
How can you say I’m happy to be with you but I don’t want to see your own children…)

Show quote history

They aren't family. He has known them for less than 2 years and Christmas is a time he finds difficult.

Stop with this "Because he is a man and women should be kind?" bollocks" it's about people having compassion end empathy for another human.

Bumpsadaisie · 11/12/2022 09:25

So sorry for everyone's losses that make Christmas very painful. Flowers

MichelleScarn · 11/12/2022 09:26

@SoupDragon it's bloody tedious isn't it? I posted on another thread recently that there's a HUGE increase in this recently on MN. And of course was accused of being an MRA, just because I said that being female didn't automatically mean I'd side with another female!

NuffSaidSam · 11/12/2022 09:29

VahineNuiWentHome · 11/12/2022 08:59

You wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with your family??

(Let’s remember, we are talking about the OP’dcs and partners etc… when he CHOSE to be with her, he decided to accept her family as a package right?
How can you say I’m happy to be with you but I don’t want to see your own children…)

Show quote history

They're not his family. They're
her family. That's quite clear.

It's also clear that they're all adults and he's been with the OP for 2 years, these aren't kids he's raised as a step parent, it's a lot of adults he really doesn't know that well.

And in addition to that, Christmas is hard for him, so even if he did know them all really well and thought iyf them as his own family he might want to skip this Christmas... and that's fine, there's no value in forcing someone into a Christmas celebration they don't want.

A little bit of empathy is what's needed.