DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

[Ifeelabitweird]

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

I mean, "completely incompatible" because of one day out of 365?! Get a grip!

@PauliesWalnuts ,so sorry for all you have endured. I hope you can find some way of enjoying the day, doing something for you that you enjoy. Take care of yourself.

Sorry but your Christmas would be my idea of hell it’s ok for you your close to all the people you are going to share the day with

he’s basically going to someone else’s house with people hell vaguely know

'Completely incompatible' because he doesn't do what the OP wants without stating his wants.

This. ^ To be honest, I can't think of anything worse than having someone else's family Christmas forced on me. I'd rather just be alone. Yes to popping to the Church for a few services during December, and a few Christmas-lights switch ons, and meet up with 3 or 4 friends for a coffee or pub lunch, and a few extended family visits to swap gifts (during the first 3 weeks of December,) ...

But NO to being at someone else's house/home/family Christmas, on Christmas Day... No thanks. Not for me. Not even my own adult DC. Go and visit Christmas Eve, or the 23rd, and drop gifts off, but it's home all day on Christmas day.

Me and DH spend it alone after seeing our DC/partner/their parents during the middle of December. (DC Christmas Eve or 23rd..) Around 3-4 years ago, DC asked us to go to the town they live in, (25 miles away,) and go for Christmas dinner with them and a bunch of extended family of their partner, and a bunch of mutual friends of them all. Would have been 30 or so people excluding us. (At a restaurant near them.) All meeting at midday, Christmas dinner at 3.30pm, and finishing around 7pm.

Would have cost £60 each not including drinks, and the price of a taxi if we had wanted a drink (which we would.) Probably £100 return on Christmas day. It was all right for the rest of them, because they all live within 2-3 miles of one another. They also all pretty much knew one another. We'd have felt out of place.

DC was just being kind, and thought me and DH would be lonely and 'left out' not being included. They couldn't be more wrong. We LOVE Christmas Day alone. We've had too many Christmasses of people-pleasing and having a dozen people around, or having to visit a dozen people, and have no Christmas to ourselves.

Like the OP, our DC seemed to want to foist their big Christmas with 30 people on us. We politely declined a couple of times, and they didn't ask again. They just don't get it, that we neither want or NEED two dozen people we barely know around us at Christmas!!!

@Ifeelabitweird YABU. Let your DP have his Christmas day to himself and stop forcing YOUR family on him. You have only been together 2 years. That's nothing!

DC was just being kind, and thought me and DH would be lonely and 'left out' not being included. They couldn't be more wrong. We LOVE Christmas Day alone

I think that last bit is what people can't get their head around. The message is drummed into everyone that Christmas is for families. All the ads show happy laughing people around a table positively groaning with festive goodies. All the films are about families getting together, even if it's in the last few minutes. Admit that you don't enjoy all that or don't want to participate and are, like you and me, perfectly content to have a quiet Christmas pleasing yourself and you might as well have a badge saying LONER&WEIRDO pinned to your jumper.

Because she has a large jolly family that want to meet up and spend time together and he can’t cope with it, and this will be the case for every christening every wedding every 80th birthday every 18th birthday he will just be the sour Puss that pours cold water on it for her you’re better off finding somebody that wants to enjoy these occasions because this misery guts isn’t it.
There’s far too much of this bullshit being tolerated at the moment.

Just leave him to it and spend the day with your family.

Because she has a large jolly family together*

You know they're 'jolly,' do you?

that want to meet up and spend time together

And he doesn't. He has stated that he's quite OK with spending Christmas alone. As for the rest of your post, it's fiction because you have no idea how he feels about other celebrations.

There’s far too much of this bullshit being tolerated at the moment

People having boundaries and stating them. We can't have that, can we, there should be a law against it 😅

Has DP definately said he wants the spend Christmas day alone ? or just that he doesn't want to go to DD's?
He might really want to spend a quiet Christrmas day with you but doesn't want to stop you from going to DD's becuase he knows you really want to.
If this is the case he's actually being very considerate of OP.
You can't' insist' he goes and he cant insist you don't

tbh id rather spend xmas alone than with another family, not due to xmas being an emotional time or having bad xmas in the past.

Id go and spend the time, possibly enjoy the day, but in all honesty it'd not be what I wanted to do, I juts prefer xmas at home.

Boxing Day Im happy to socialise and be with other, travel and see family and friends etc

All very good points.

‘So he'll be with you, 7 other adults, and their babies, at your daughter's house?’

…& has been with @Ifeelabitweird for less than two years, so barely knows her family.

Far too much, far too many people & far far too soon & particularly as Christmas is already emotionally charged for him.

Maybe when he knows the family better - & they know him more - & the babies are older, then maybe easing into a festive fit will come with ease.

@Ifeelabitweird this time round you are expecting too much of your new relationship. This man means so much to you because of who he is & he comes with his own stuff about Christmas as do many people - it is quite normal. So don’t take it personally & be careful not to drive him away by pressing into something he won’t enjoy & possibly find distressing.

Give him space to enjoy his Christmas as suits him, have a chat on the day & meet up soonest afterwards.

I would hate that. Even without all of his losses, I would still hate it. I would resent you if you guilted me into going knowing I'll hate it, or for making me feel bad for not going.

I remember the first time I visited my own family after my marriage broke down. My sisters and their husbands and children; my mum and her husband and children. And me, on my own. At one point the other women all talked about how they would be happy to remain SAHMs and let their husbands do the earning. I gently made the point that I was glad that I still had a career to support me after the divorce, and even then they still did not join the dots that maybe this was not a comfortable situation for me; one sister said she felt hurt that I was criticising her life choices.

I'm not comparing my situation to yours, there, OP, but to your dp's. If your partner's family have all died or there has been some kind of rejection, it will be extremely hard for him to sit there as the only outsider (no blood ties, right?) watching a big, happy family all sharing fond memories, totally oblivious to his feelings of grief.

"I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more" - You'll be doing this with your family. Not on your own. Is there any way he could come for a short time, then leave? What will he do when you're there? Has he thought about e.g. helping the homeless on Christmas Day?

Wow so in your book it’s a case of dance to my tune or fuck off

I can see where your partner is coming from. If I was in your position.I would have done two Christmas celebrations. One with partner and one with family.

Have you asked him if wants to do something special for just the two of you?

Respect his wishes and enjoy Boxing Day together, the two of you.

The Op doesn't say she is upset because he doesn't like her family but because she doesn't want to go alone. How the hell will she be alone with her DC and DGC all there? He would feel alone because it's her family not his, not all the people he misses. If he goes and can't cope it will be even worse if he leaves early than if he doesn't go at all, how awkward would that be

There’s at least one person on this thread going to have a bumpy Christmas Eve when the ghosts pitch up to point out that the spirit of Christmas isn’t ‘do wot I want or fuck off‘

OP, I can’t do the big family Christmas thing either. Different reason - I’m autistic, it’s just too much. Big group events are overwhelming and will give me a social hangover for days, and for the most part I hate staying over at other people’s houses except for a couple of close friends and family. DH is similar, thankfully, so we have quiet Christmases at home and we see family and our beloved but boisterous niblings either side. I think it might cause friction if I had a partner who really wanted to do the big family shebang. Which is of course lovely for those who enjoy it. It’s just my idea of hell, and especially if I didn’t know the family all that well. Maybe your DP is more introverted as well as the bereavement and loss issue.

In terms of longer term things to think about, I suppose if he never sees his outlook on Christmas changing, and Christmas is important to you, how might you manage that in the future if you stay together? Would it be ok to have separate Christmases for the foreseeable, or would you alternate a quieter one with the two of you with family ones, etc. Or is this a big deal breaker? I think it would be unreasonable to insist on him joining your family, but not unreasonable if you did feel like it is a major source of incompatibility if he is not open to ever sharing Christmas with your family. For some people separate Christmases is workable, for others it isn’t, it really depends on you, your family, your values, what you want and need in your relationship, etc.

@Over40Overdating I so wish there was a like button on MN 🤣

This year I have decided not to celebrate Christmas Day. I recognise I do not have the internal resources for a jolly family anything. The whole of the family I grew up with and a lot of my friends were wiped out thanks to covid. I get were your partner is at. My SiL is very caring but tends to be an OTT extravert at parties who tries to jolly you into games and mixing. Happy to spend limited tme with her as log as I can escape when my batteries run low. [Introvert] I need a run up to any gathering of my husbands still large family as they tend to remind me of all that has gone forever. Christmas is the hard one as both my parents loved it so. I would be foul company of i tried to go to a Christmas Day family meal so this year it will be what I can as I can without the extra pressure. It might be a chance to talk about new ways and traditions of enjoying Christmas such as accepting his need for a quieter Christmas Day and you sharing it with your big family and perhaps being a couple on Boxing Day then some family get togethers either side of those two days.

How did you approach the discussion in the first place? I think the sentence about expecting not to have to do it on your own suggests maybe he’s either not committed and you’ve assumed or he agreed thinking he could do it but as the build up has started and it’s getting closer he’s realised he’s just not able to do it. The fact he told you just before bed also suggests it probably being weighing on him for a while and he’s just got the courage to tell you.

it’s great you’re having your idea of a lovely Christmas but everyone has different ideas of what lovely is! This year, we’re going to a lodge with a lovely hot tub and avoiding any big gatherings because we want peace and to enjoy our children whilst they still believe in the magic. We don’t expect people to understand but at least respect that that’s what we’ve chosen to make us happy this year. I expect your partner feels the same.

Or alternatively, if he wants to, spend Christmas day together just the 2 of you and have a lovely quiet but special day. Then OP can see DD & co. on boxing day or another day during Christmas week.

OP has said she lives together with DP most of the time and she really loves him. So I would prioritise this relationship as this is your future. The adult DC have their own lives. Of course you want to be with them as well, so choices will have to be made.

Family's situations do change over time with new relationships, more DGC's coming along, and things can get more complcated. You cant always keep doing what you've always done. It's ok to make changes to suit your current life.