DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

[Ifeelabitweird]

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

That sounds really tough.
Christmas really can be so difficult for many people.

Are you planning on spending the entire Christmas Day there? Can you not do something nice together just you and him in the morning and he can join you later on with your extended family of he feels up to it? Sometimes new partners do change the dynamic of the day and both your children and DP might feel a bit relieved if you shorten his visit to a few hours.

Admitting that inserting himself into your family Christmas isn’t an enjoyable experience could actual be a good thing. It’s a big family day for you and it seems like he is fine with you having that experience. He doesn’t have the same history and relationships and attending your event may actual make him feel his losses more than if he celebrated the day solo. It would be entirely different if the two of you hand planned to spend the day with just you or with a small group of friends and he had pulled out. It would also be different if he was trying to stop you from seeing your family.

I think he's just being honest about what he can and can't cope with. Can you spend the morning with him at least before going to DD's? If you both want to that is?

I'm overwhelmed just reading that. It's a lot. Don't force him to go.

Do you mean he wants to spend Christmas ‘alone with you’ or you would go to your DD’s and he would be by himself?

I know how he feels.

It is just one day!

Just to add a view from someone who is hosting a very sad bereaved friend. My v close friend lost both her parents in 2021. She is single and doesn't have much family. She spent Christmas with me last year and was extremely and understandably very emotional. I can only imagine how difficult and depressing it is generally and even more so at christmas. I have young DC so was trying to ensure they were OK too throughout and not impacted by seeing her suddenly become tearful or not wanting to play.
I'm a bit worried how she will be this year but she is coming to stay over Christmas, as far as I know, but if she said she wanted to just be by herself I'd get it too. Christmas can be a pretty crap time of year and evoke lots of feelings for people with forced or real cheeriness, happy families for those that feel anything but.

sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway

You think trying to force this guy, who’s already been honest about why he struggles with Christmas, would be you being a pushover and a people pleaser? I don’t think you can know what those words mean.

It would be you steamrollering all over his feelings, which he’s been honest with you about.

I can understand why he might find it overwhelming OP. He’s not going to enjoy it. You won’t enjoy it either if you insist (not sure how you can insist anyway) as you’ll just be worried if he’s enjoying it, if he’s feeling overwhelmed etc. Spend the morning together if you’re not going somewhere to stay, and the rest of the Christmas holiday, then just enjoy the day with your family

It sounds as though he thinks he will feel overwhelmed and that’s not something you can really blame him for. To you it’s just family but to him it’s an awful lot of someone else’s family.
I would accept his decision gracefully and try not to make it about your relationship with him. Plan something lovely with him for Christmas Eve or the day after Boxing Day. Tell him he is welcome to change his mind or just pop in on Boxing Day. But also respect his feelings on this matter if he would rather not come at all.

Sorry just reread it and you’re only going away for Christmas Day. So invite him to yours for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

I think good on him for being honest. I do get why you feel a bit funny about it though.

You absolutely can't 'insist' he joins you ... spending time with other people's families can be totally overwhelming, especially at Christmas, you absolutely must respect his feelings. Good for him for establishing his boundaries. Presumably you can have some quality time as a couple over the Christmas period?

I don't think he's done anything wrong. If having a quiet and reflective day where he lights a candle in memory of his lost family is what he wants to do, no-one should try and take that away from him.

I'm spending Christmas with my family this year and already feel overwhelmed by the thought. Spending it with someone else's would have me backing out, even if I had agreed before.

People agree to do things when it all feels a long time in the future. Push has come to shove though and he is telling you haw he feels. Don't make a huge thing of it or it will become a huge thing.

sorry you’re feeling like this OP. You say he has met your family, does that mean once or only a couple of times, or does he know them well? Perhaps over the next year you could focus on him getting to know them all a bit more, so he may not feel as overwhelmed in future? Definitely don’t force him to go, that would really be the wrong thing to do.

I think an hour or two for him is surely enough. Especially if you are going for the day.

Could you ask him if he fancies that?

Does he have form for this? Or is it just specifically around Christmas? The only reason I ask is from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound unreasonable and that it may be a hit to his mental health to take part in your day but if there are other times like this, or any pressure for you not to attend, I would see it as a red flag (past experience).

I totally get where is is coming from. I hate Christmas having to spend time with my DHs family only amplifies the loss of my own family. If I could opt out I would too. Please try to understand from his view point.

Christmas is a difficult time if you've lost family or a loved one. The memories are harder to deal with, it's relentlessly intense with the music. I get it, I've had a number of teary meltdowns already.

Could you not compromise? E.g. let's go to dds House for a few hours, say hello then have our own private Christmas? I wouldn't want yo leave him alone all day, he's actually been very unselfish in saying he'd be okay for you to go and enjoy the day with your family.

If he doesn't want to do it you should respect his wishes. I wouldn't in those circumstances. Encourage him.to do what he wants to do . His needs are important too. Make another day ur special time together.

"You think trying to force this guy, who’s already been honest about why he struggles with Christmas, would be you being a pushover and a people pleaser? I don’t think you can know what those words mean.

It would be you steamrollering all over his feelings, which he’s been honest with you about."

I agree with this absolutely

Well done him for being so honest rather than enduring a day he would clearly not enjoy

@Ifeelabitweird you mentioned that you're mindful of not burying your needs and giving in to his needs, but you've also said

I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all

which I'm sorry to point out is the reverse. You're focused on him filling the gap so that you don't have to do stuff on your own, even though he's been clear with you that he doesn't enjoy big family gatherings.

please don't lose a good relationship at the altar of Christmas. Many many people count down the days until .Christmas is over and done with. It can be hugely stressful throwing everyone together in a claustrophobic environment especially when it isn't your family.

I think there are a few x-posts