DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

[Ifeelabitweird]

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

Just realised probably not what you meant soup but it's something that's been annoying me!

I would prefer to know he’s not coming. I wouldn’t be want to spend the day thinking will he or won’t he. Far better to just know from the outset it’s not happening and get one with the day.

He sounds like a complete knob to be honest with you and just not compatible with your family life. You are a busy family with lots of people if he can’t deal with that it needs to walked out and fuck off. Not try and upset you over Christmas. My ex-husband is an only child. I’m not joking. I think his parents kept him in a vase throughout his childhood. He was allowed out of his bedroom to play chess with his dad. I first Christmas together I was pregnant with a first child. I already had a child who was two, Christmas day was spent with my mum and stepdad four brothers, their partners their kids everyone had a great time.

Your family life is what he has signed up for. He needs to embrace it.

At first I thought that's dodgy but after reading the whole post I understand where he 's at. I couldn't stand spending Xmas with someone else's extended family either. I'd hate every minute of it.
His family have gone, he may have other issues about Christmas. Sometimes all we want is to be one.
I'm spending Xmas alone. I've been invited to a friend's families house but I'm not going. Everyone I loved is dead and I'd rather spend Xmas alone in my home with my cats.

he sounds like a complete nob?
Really? Because he's admitted to grief and struggling? Not sure he's the 'nob' here.

Not try and upset you over Christmas

but it would be ok for the OP to upset him over Christmas by insisting he goes to her big family Christmas with people he's known for less than 2 years?

Whilst I can understand you wanting him to be there, I can understand his point of view.

Christmas is a hard time for him, and whilst its wonderful for you to spend it with your family, it isnt his family and its probably overwhelming.

Perhaps a compromise spending time with your family alone and him alone? You can then enjoy the time with your family without worrying whether he’s having a good time.

You say you love him. Could you perhaps spend Christmas morning / lunch with him. Then go to your family. ? I agree with others it is a big ask of you and I understand why he is declining. I would make time for him and your family.

People just give in too much to symbolic meaning of Christmas doing things that they don't want to do. It might be overwhelming to spend a whole day being a stranger among a large group of adults having fun, whether it's Christmas or any other day. Just relax and do what you want to do allowing other people the same right of doing what they want to do.

YABVU to even think about insisting. No-one should feel forced or emotionally blackmailed into enduring Christmas with a load of people that aren't their family or friends. It can be very daunting, and trigger real feelings of loneliness. And other people's families can be really annoying.

If I was in a relationship with someone who was insistent on me spending Christmas with 7 adults and their children, with whom I didn't have a close relationship, I think I'd tell them to fuck right off.

If he prefers to stay home alone eating his own bodyweight in Quality Street, let him. I did that one year, and it was one of the most peaceful and relaxing Christmases I've had.

But family life isn't one model is it? There are lots of ways if doing family, traditions, customs etc. One way isn't better than another because it's how you do it.

No, I think their lives are completely incompatible, and he will do nothing but drag her down and make her miserable. He needs to just do one.

Wow
Have you considered his feelings at all op.
It just reads as if it's all about you and he is just in your life to make you feel better.
He's a person,entitled to his own feelings on things and having a sadness around Christmas sounds very understandable for him.
You sound incredibly selfish and honestly quite mean .
Poor guy

He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time.

Instead of bitching about him on MN why don’t you extend some compassion to your partner? Or better yet, show him your post so he knows the real you.

Sounds all about you to be honest. Maybe show him this post and show him the real you.

I totally get where he's coming from and wouldn't be upset or annoyed. You need to respect his wishes - or end it if you can't deal with it. Christmas is an emotional time regardless.

If we got to choose whether or not to go where we are expected at Xmas half of us would stay at home.

Maybe I'm the idiot for sucking it up year after year.

Your description of your family Christmas sounds lovely.
For family.
In your partner's shoes I'd feel very uncomfortable.
Frankly, I'd probably want to run a mile.

Why not have a Christmas for just the 2 of you on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

(NB: he stays/lives at yours 5 days out of 7. I hope he pays his way...)

The moment I don't have to do Christmas I won't. I find it too hard and the idea of pretending to be happy in front of my partners family is just too much to bare.

I am not with my kids this year as they’re with their dad, to be honest I have been thinking of ways to spend my Christmas alone as them not being here highlights it. I also think of my dad who is sadly no longer with us and the loss seems is so much worse on Christmas Day 😢

If it was me I'd feel the same I think. I'm not that close to DP's family, and find big gatherings with them stressful. If I was always down/stressed about Christmas, the last thing I'd want would be to go to them for the day.

So as much as you might be worried about him, I'd suggest you make sure he has lots of food and films to watch (or whatever he likes doing) and just have a good time with the kids. Let him know you're available if he needs you, and keep emphasising he's still welcome if he wants to change his mind.

Let’s remember, we are talking about the OP’dcs and partners etc… when he CHOSE to be with her, he decided to accept her family as a package right?

This 'decided to accept her family as package' is such bullshit, isn't it? no-one 'signs up to anything. Being with someone doesn't mean you have to completely submerge your personality and preferences in theirs and OP's OH is quite rightly setting some boundaries here.

And no, he isn't (as one PP so charmingly said) a 'knob.' He sounds like a sensible person who knows what his limits and preferences are and has no problem stating them.

For those who are struggling with the concept of him not wanting to go (and in one case calling the guy a knob) try reading this piece about complicated grief - www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374

For those of us who suffer from it, it’s extremely difficult to try to plaster a smile on and spend time with people who are happy and Christmas really exacerbates this. As someone who lost their parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles by the time I was 47, (I also didn’t get the chance to have children) the thought of having to do this makes me almost suicidal. I have one cousin left and I don’t want to go to hers and her in-laws as I have in the past - I just can’t do it this year.

With complicated grief, it’s like Groundhog Day - the grieving just doesn’t get any easier; it’s like you’re stuck halfway through the process. Most of the time you just get through the day. But at Christmas everything is amplified and there is nothing worse than spending time with people who think “Christmas is all about family” when you don’t have any at all.

You sound like you lack any kind of empathy whatsoever.

i also harbour the feeling that you'd not be saying the same if it was the female partner who wanted to stay at home.

Would you rather he told you how he felt now, or went along on the day and wasn't able to cope with the chaos? I know which my preference would be! If he's historically been by himself, suddenly being thrown into a massive family gathering like that will be overwhelming.

@PauliesWalnuts 💐
thank you for explaining that so eloquently.

Christmas can highlight how utterly self centred and lacking in compassion some can be when it comes to grief and doing things ‘differently’.

I hope the season passes as peacefully as it can for you.