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Original poster

DP just told me he wants to spend Christmas alone

236 replies

Ifeelabitweird · 11/12/2022 00:04

Been with DP for nearly 2 years now. He’s met my dc and their partners and my 2 new grandchildren. Plan this Christmas is to spend Christmas Day at dd’s house, other dd and ds and partners will also be there, as well as dd mil.
He told me he felt pressured into going and he didn’t want to. I feel really upset that he feels this way, and also upset that he said this just after we went to bed, because now I can’t sleep.
He doesn’t have any family of his own any more and I know he feels very sad about this around Christmas time. But in other ways he’s excited about getting a tree and doing a Christmas shop.
I’m confused. I’ve been single for a few years after a LTR before I met him, and I was so happy that I don’t have to do this sort of stuff on my own any more, but maybe I do have to after all 😒

OP posts:
ChangingStates · 11/12/2022 07:07

Agree with others that you should absolutely leave him to it on Xmas day. Plan a lovely Xmas Eve day together as your Xmas with him- and maybe a film and yummy bits to eat when you get back xmas night.

DangerNoodles · 11/12/2022 07:31

It's something to keep an eye on OP. Just as he can make his own choices about Christmas so can you. Don't feel pressured into staying home alone with him if you would rather be with your daughters and grandchildren. It's most likely grief as PP have mentioned but there are so many controlling men out there who isolate women from thier families.

Long term, see if this is something he does for any family event. I didn't feel completely comfortable around DH's family for a few years and I still feel more comfortable in my own family's presence. However I go along because I love DH and it means a lot to him. Likewise I don't think I could have stayed with DH if he left me to attend events on my own.

jimmyjammy001 · 11/12/2022 07:32

Dery · 11/12/2022 00:21

Tbh, OP, I can understand where he’s coming from. That sounds like a pretty intense family day which is lovely for the family members themselves (including you) but is quite hard to come into from outside unless you’re hugely extroverted. You won’t really be doing anything alone when you have so much of your family around you. I don’t think you should regard it as a rejection of you.

This 100%, if you have lost family and have no family of your own around Xmas time it's very hard to spend time with someone else's family on Xmas day when it will bring back painful memories, dealing with partners and kids and grandchildren on top of that I would rather stay at home as well, feeling like the outsider is not nice, I would respect your partners wishes not to partake in that situation on Xmas day.

I guess he would just like to spend the day with just the 2 of you and not all the faff of loads of other family members around

Figgygal · 11/12/2022 07:43

I think given his feelings around Christmas you're expecting too much of him tbh
You can enjoy your family day with your family still and see him other days.

Breakingpoint1961 · 11/12/2022 07:43

OP you say "I know he feels sad around Christmas time" did he actually give that as the reason for not going?

I agree it's upsetting when you see other families together, and you don't have that, however, you are right to consider your own feelings too, you thought you'd be spending a happy day together, and he doesn't feel the same. I get how you feel OP, don't feel guilty for your own feelings.

I hope you are able to compromise and still have a lovely timeFlowers

sandgrown · 11/12/2022 07:54

I lived with ex-DP for 20 years and we had a child . If I hosted Christmas and his mum and did all the work he was happy. He just wanted to eat, watch tv and drink. Every other year we went to my adult DC and had what I consider a “proper” Christmas with a lovely meal , presents and playing games. DP would sit in the other room watching TV which I thought was rude but my family accepted. When the relationship was faltering he refused to come one year so I left him home . He played the martyr and had beans on toast for Christmas dinner ! It signalled the end of the relationship. I realised he just wanted control. As a balance I went to his family party on Boxing Day every year. He left me to fend for myself with extended family I hardly knew while he got drunk and I had to drive home.

pictish · 11/12/2022 07:55

Agree with everyone else…it’s a lot of your family in your daughter’s house. Nice for you…not so appealing for him.

BoingBoing999 · 11/12/2022 07:59

@TheRealKatnissEverdeen how very sad. She is lucky to have you 💐

Olivetreebutter · 11/12/2022 08:05

Pinkbonbon · 11/12/2022 01:41

You say he stays with you 5 days our of 7, does he contribute to your bills then?

I wonder if he sees you as Mrs right now that he can sponge off of. and in that case of course ge wouldthenwantbto soend time around your family because they'd recognise he was a using bastard.

Alternatively though, maybe he's just hit a family Christmas kind of oerson. Let alone someone else's family. I wouldn't want to do that either tvh xD I prefer Christmas in my jammies watching chappy Christmas films. I could happily spend it with a partner. But not their family.

Christ, there is always one.
Man is open and honest that he finds Christmas is emotionally difficult due to family losses/trauma and so would struggle in large gathering
Verdict: he's a cocklodger

EasterIsland · 11/12/2022 08:06

I’m a bit of a people pleaser and I worry with this sort of thing that I bury my own needs and give in to his needs too much. I suppose I’m wondering whether to insist, but tbh I doubt that would work and I don’t really want to force him anyway

You probably do need to deal with your tendency to people pleasing, but not on this issue. His reasons for not coming with you are really understandable and need compassion not insistence.

Whatdayisitalexa · 11/12/2022 08:06

MintJulia · 11/12/2022 00:31

I don't blame him. That's a lot of someone else's family to deal with.

Can't you spend Christmas Eve with him, do something special & lovely together, and then do family Christmas while he gets a bit of peace.

I agree with this...with the option of popping over for a drink or whatever if he feels up to it without pressure to stay

reallyworriedjobhunter · 11/12/2022 08:07

Could you join him in the evening? He has made his decision for some really good reasons and I would respect that but it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Flutterbybudget · 11/12/2022 08:08

All my own children will be here for Christmas. But my daughters BF wouldn’t prefer not to come to a big family day, it’s just not his style, and we all respect that. It can be a bit full on. Different people are allowed to feel differently.
I used to hold a Community Xmas Day for people on their own. One lady I knew well, apologised to me for not coming, because she loved spending the day in bed, with the TV on and a bacon sandwich. It made her happy. Obviously there was no need for her to apologise to me but it just shows how not everyone wants the “all singing, all dancing, Christmas advert Xmas”. Make sure you spend some quality time with him over the Christmas period, doing something you both enjoy.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 11/12/2022 08:12

My Dad chooses to spend Xmas day alone rather than with his partner and her grown up kids. He lost his mum on Boxing Day and so he'd rather let the day pass doing DIY and reading. Some years the DC and i and see him for a few hours which he's happy with but he's fine on his own. My mum's partner has breakfast at her house and then scarpers before any other extended family arrive. He gets on fine with us but it's a bit overwhelming as we're all quite loud and busy - and mostly women and kids. He retreats to his home to watch sports and sometimes has a 1:1 catch up with his adult son. I can't imagine any circumstances where one should insist on an another adult (presumably kids all grown up) engages in a Christmas gathering against their wishes.

Mindymomo · 11/12/2022 08:15

I think you should respect his honesty with you. Not everyone wants to get involved with big, happy Christmas activities. I lost my Dad just before Christmas a few years ago, I still went along with everything as planned with family, when in reality all I wanted was a quiet few days with DH and my DC, sitting watching the same tv programs that I would have with my Dad, I just couldn’t do it and went upstairs on my own and left family to it, they understood. Maybe have a Christmas dinner before the actual day just the 2 of you and exchange presents.

sparkellie · 11/12/2022 08:27

How well does he know your family? You day he has met them, so it doesn't sound as though he has spent much time with them?
I would accept that he doesn't feel able to cope with a big family Christmas this year, but maybe point out to him that it is very late in the day to tell you this.
However, just because he doesn't want to spend Christmas this way this year, doesn't mean you will always have to spend it apart. Work on his relationships with members of your family outside of big occasions, and possibly set aside Christmas next year, or at least part of it with him, and you may find in a year or so he feels very differently. Of course he may not, but again you can split your time if you want to. One day a year doesn't need to be a relationship deal breaker to me, asnit is clearly a difficult day for him, but that would be presuming that he is happy to spend time with your family at other times, and isn't expecting to opt out of relationships with them completely.

Courgettecity · 11/12/2022 08:29

I think your planned day sounds awful for someone who has negative emotions around Christmas. A hard day spent in an extended family environment would make me doubly miserable.
I'm sure he could cope if it was just you and him so don't take it personally, but all those extras and the fuss is just probably to much on that particular day. Forcing him would not be kind, nor good for your relationship long term I suspect.

MrsDoyle351 · 11/12/2022 08:30

Christ, there is always one.Man is open and honest that he finds Christmas is emotionally difficult due to family losses/trauma and so would struggle in large gathering.Verdict: he's a cocklodger

Well maybe he is?

The OP says she's been seeing him for 2 years - he spends most of the week at her house, he's met all of her adult children and partners. It's not like they are total strangers! Would it really be so awful for him to spend one day with other people to be kind and please his partner?

What if all his delicate feelings, as it were, aren't actually that, and he simply can't be arsed making conversation with his partner's family?

VioletLemon · 11/12/2022 08:33

Your DP is being honest with you and totally reasonable. He doesn't have the bonds you do with the other guests so why on earth would he want to spend all day making small talk.

There could be various reasons but it seems he's told you and you've accepted he feels sad about losses at Christmas. Respect what he's saying and compromise.

Visit DD, have a shared experience, meal whatever. Go back and plan a quiet dinner, movie or walk with partner. Its maybe just too much for him to emotionally process at Christmas. If you'd like a family get together he can join, don't plan it on the 25th.Can you have drinks by candlelight one evening with family from 4-6.30 for example. Then he knows there's an end point.

knittingaddict · 11/12/2022 08:39

It's obviously that he's excited about spending Christmas with you. Not so much about spending it with the rest of your family. I understand that really, especially if he has no family of his own and finds Christmas difficult. Other people's families can make Christmas hard work if you don't know them well.

maranella · 11/12/2022 08:40

You want to force him to spend Christmas with your family, when you've only been together two years and his own family is dead and he's told you how hard he finds Christmas? OP, he's not the problem here.

SoupDragon · 11/12/2022 08:45

MrsDoyle351 · 11/12/2022 08:30

Christ, there is always one.Man is open and honest that he finds Christmas is emotionally difficult due to family losses/trauma and so would struggle in large gathering.Verdict: he's a cocklodger

Well maybe he is?

The OP says she's been seeing him for 2 years - he spends most of the week at her house, he's met all of her adult children and partners. It's not like they are total strangers! Would it really be so awful for him to spend one day with other people to be kind and please his partner?

What if all his delicate feelings, as it were, aren't actually that, and he simply can't be arsed making conversation with his partner's family?

what a load of nonsense.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest he is a cocklodger and I bet no one would have said that if it had been the OP not wanting to go to her DO's family for Christmas having lost her own family.

Olivetreebutter · 11/12/2022 08:46

MrsDoyle351 · 11/12/2022 08:30

Christ, there is always one.Man is open and honest that he finds Christmas is emotionally difficult due to family losses/trauma and so would struggle in large gathering.Verdict: he's a cocklodger

Well maybe he is?

The OP says she's been seeing him for 2 years - he spends most of the week at her house, he's met all of her adult children and partners. It's not like they are total strangers! Would it really be so awful for him to spend one day with other people to be kind and please his partner?

What if all his delicate feelings, as it were, aren't actually that, and he simply can't be arsed making conversation with his partner's family?

Perhaps OP should take him at his word. She knows he struggles with Christmas so why should he have to squash down those feelings just to appease his partner who is going to be surrounded by people she loves and who love her. It's not that by choosing to be alone on Christmas day he is leaving her on her own - quite the contrary. If she chose to stay at home he might take part in small scale festivities.
They both like to do Christmas different and that doesn't make him a bad person, uncaring or unwilling to perform as a valid partner.
We always speak about being kind and respecting mental health. He has some valid distress around the day and has declined to spend the day making conversation with people who (apart from the partner) probably don't care if he's there one way or the other.

popularinthe80s · 11/12/2022 08:47

@MrsDoyle351 and others who are trying to protect the OP- I love how Mumsnetters pull together to look out for each other. It's what makes this place wonderful.
But I may be able to offer another perspective here. I am the OP's partner in this situation. My DH has a loving, loveable, sprawling, caring family. But I can't spend Christmas with them. I just can't. All the love they have for each other (and for me, I think) reminds me of the people I have lost. It's like rubbing my skin with a razor blade. So I don't go with him to their big Christmas events.
I don't want to control him, or turn him against them, or lock him up in the house (that would be quite difficult anyway, he's twice my size), or make him unhappy, or make them unhappy. I just want a gentle quiet place at Christmas where I can look after myself. I send him off to them and then I hear all the stories afterwards and it's lovely to hear that they've been happy.

SoupDragon · 11/12/2022 08:47

I've lost both parents in the last 4 years and the last thing I would want to do is to spend Christmas with someone else's family. I'd probably do it because I wouldn't want to explain to appear "grinchy". I don't want someone else's family Christmas, I want my own back.