Dating when you’re not attractive

[TwentysixV]

I’ve always been single, never been asked out/very rarely get attention from men (and if I do it’s ones I just don’t find attractive). I’m just not very attractive. I’m a healthy weight, dress well and have ok teeth and hair so I don’t think I can improve my appearance. How did you find a partner if you’re not attractive? All my other single friends have men asking them out/showing interest without them even having to do anything and I never get any interest in real life. I don’t get many messages/matches on dating apps either and if I do they are from men I just don’t fancy at all (I know that’s shallow but I don’t see the point of dating a man I’m not attracted to). I don’t ever ask guys out either, but I feel like if they were interested they would ask me out/make a move and it would be clear they liked me. Anyone else relate, or gone from not getting any interest to being in a happy relationship with someone they are attracted to?

I read a few statistics the other day: women who reach out first are 2.5 more likely to get favourable results. And, 86% of women who make the first move end up marrying that person.

You can take the numbers with a pinch of salt but it rings true - sitting and waiting for someone to find you attractive is just being passive in your own life. Reach out first, if you find someone attractive then send them a message, it’s just a numbers game, the more you put yourself out there the bigger chance you’ve got in meeting someone long term.

It can be hard to be rejected or not getting the same attention as others, but you have to remember it’s not personal to you - everyone’s taste and preferences are different. It doesn’t make you unattractive just because men aren’t kicking your door down.

If you can face it, work up to making the first move more.

Are you being realistic about your prospects? Obviously I agree you shouldn’t feel pressured into dating anyone, but discarding those who aren’t good looking enough if you say you’re not good looking will leave you with a very small pool of good looking men who want to date a less good looking woman.

It’s usually men I see doing it, looking for a Scarlett Johansson when they unfortunately don’t look like Chris Hemsworth! So firstly I’d review if your standards are just too high and you’re rejecting a lot of men because they don’t fit a super good looking standard.

Also what are your other qualities? Do you work, have hobbies? Generally I think these things are important too, someone needs to be fun/appealing.

I doubt you are as unattractive as you present - I think the problem is more likely to be that you dont feel you have anything to offer. I sympathize - I have been there. But I also know I have met people in my life who were widely perceived to be gorgeous - but it was more to do with their self belief then their features. Perhaps some reading about building a positive self esteem could help? Or some counselling?

I don’t think you can determine true attraction from a picture on OLD.

I have went on dates with really attractive men who have bored the life out of me, making them less attractive. There have been others who although are not classically handsome have personalities that shine through and make them more attractive.

it is true beauty is only skin deep. Good luck I hope you meet someone special.

I don't expect that I'll get many agreeing with me, but I gave up. I was only getting interest from men significantly older than me (in their late 50s and into their 60s when I was 40) and I don't really find men of that age attractive. As a not-attractive woman, you get told that it's hypocritical to not want to date not-attractive men, but I think that implies you're supposed to be grateful to get any attention at all, and that's not an especially healthy attitude to go into dating with in my view. I made the decision several years ago that I wasn't going to put myself in a situation where I had to accept myself as being worth less than others because of the way I look, and tbh I really don't miss it.

Have you ever found someone attractive after getting to know them?

I know someone who wouldn't be described as attractive but he is the loveliest man and has such a great sense of humour that I can see why he is attractive. Why not try and look for someone who has similar values to you and see if attraction grows?

How can you tell if you fancy men on OLD dating or not, if you aren’t meeting any of them?

You have to be realistic and look within the pool available to you. Attraction can develop based on shared humour; respect, falling for someone because they treat you so well, that undefinable chemistry that you only feel in person, even if someone isn’t your “type” in a photo.

Get with someone who really sees you as being a prize, and be turned on by that.

How unattractive can you be? You are a healthy weight and have good hair and teeth. That's a darn sight better than a huge swath of the population already! How attractive are the guys you are liking? We tend to partner up with those of a similar status. Different things affect that stays. Looks, education, wealth, power etc. Are you punching above or being realistic but getting hooked on 'good looking' men when the average looking dudes may be amazing partners.

If you're dating online, all you've got to go by is a man's looks. Often a good looking man has nothing else to offer apart from a pretty face. It's probably best to stick to meeting people in real life where you can have a conversation and a laugh and a joke.

I think that dating with the attitude that you're unattractive is very detrimental for your dating prospects. It's not for you to say if you're attractive or not; everybody will have a different opinion on that, and you can't claim to know what everyone would think/feel.

If you feel unattractive you'll behave differently, and that will put people off. I think you'd be better off looking at why you feel unattractive, rather than working out how to do things as an unattractive person.

very rarely get attention from men (and if I do it’s ones I just don’t find attractive)
Sounds like you are getting some attention from men, then? Decent teeth, hair, figure, dress sense all sound good. Think how many people you see in town who don't have any of those things but are still out shopping with their partner. Great that you're not just taking up the first offer you get :) but as someone else mentioned, it's worth actually meeting people for a trial date, as it's pretty unusual to fancy someone you've never met.

Most of the attractive people I know aren't classically good looking, they are genuinely interesting, funny, kind people who make me want to spend time with them. I wouldn't discount people because of how they look.

I'm really not into super handsome men.

However, I think you can tell if someone is unattractive from their online profile. I don't do it but my sister does and she shows me some of them. So many unsmiling, grumpy looking fellas on there. Sometimes with little devil horns drawn on. It's as if they're auditioning for the bad boy role in a bargain basement adult movie 🤢

I get why people are saying don't write people off based on looks...but there's a limit. If they present as creepy, humourless try hards, I really couldn't get over that.

If it's that they look a bit off in some way, I totally get it op. However, as others have said, if they just are normal guys who aren't super handsome I think you will be on a hiding to nothing if you dismiss them all because your standards in the look department are very high (if they are very high). You should never date anyone you don't want to obviously. That's so uncomfortable. But I personally would not dismiss guys who seem fun and nice just because they aren't super good looking. I feel the same about height btw. I don't get why people refuse to date guys under a certain height. Especially when they aren't very tall themselves 🤷‍♀️. Weird to me, but personal taste etc

Attraction is about so much more than looks. Yes looks play a part, but you can be just as attracted to intelligence, energy, values.

Personally for me it’s a mix - the most objectively physically sexy man could love me but if I’m not able to have a lively conversation or shared values with him, I wouldn’t find him attractive.

So I’d say broaden your thinking a bit. Start loving yourself and your good qualities. Become a person you love hanging out with. Loving yourself creates a magnetism that transcends physical looks, and when you’re happy with yourself anyway you won’t be so worried about whether people find you physically attractive anyway.

Thank you all there’s some good advice here. I don’t think my standards are particularly high, I’m not looking for a supermodel. I find a lot of average looking guys attractive and these are the ones that don’t ever seem interested in me unfortunately.

Seems cliche but honestly its about being happy in yourself first. Guarantee if you're out at a pub for drinks and having a great time and NOT looking for interest from men, you will get it. Im likely considerably less attractive than you as I am fat (size 20-ish) and have weird teeth, though amazing hair and honestly get a good bit of attention. That i dont now want as I have a husband I love to bits. Sorry its not helpful-help and a bit cliche, but seriously you should work on creating a great man-free life and a man will then emerge.

I think you need to be realistic about the type of guys you can attract.
I would ask someone who knows you what you could do to improve your chances as people tend to have a biased view of themselves and oblivious to how realistic their standards.

If you're not getting the attention from the guys you like, it's because you aren't their type. I've known a woman who is attracted to gay men! I've known a woman who was very average, and there is nothing wrong with average, but she wanted someone over 6ft (she wasn't that tall herself) and she wanted a certain ethnicity and type only. She limited her pool and missed out on great guys.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I have seen men that my friends date and think a nunnery would be my option if that was what was on offer and maybe they feel about the same about me.

The issue sounds like you may have a specific type, personally there may not be anything wrong with that but seems like your type are not attracted to you. Are you purely going on looks or is there anything in their bio info that is a must as well?

I remember helping a friend with her pics and bio, they were dire and I changed a lot for her.

Women are too nice to each other and just in general. People may not like the opinion of men, male gaze and all is riddled with far reaching social issues but how about you ask a male friend what they think of your profile.

What are your actual interests?

She limited her pool and missed out on great guys

*great guys she didn't want. She'd be pleased to miss out on people she wasn't compatible with, surely? Limiting your pool is a good thing. What you think is great isn't what she thinks is great.

I think you need to be realistic about the type of guys you can attract

I think she needs to be realistic about the fact that she might be compatible with Adonis the rocket scientist, so she doesn't have to keep referring to herself as 'unattractive'.

Is this post for real??

Beauty is skin deep. Most men want more than a pretty face, they want confidence, fun, laughter, lust and to feel wanted.

Me personally, I'm not exactly a conventional beauty. My partners have ranged from greek-god to pretty basic. The one thing they have in common is they all could make me laugh, would be kind and tender to me and were supportive of me and our shared loves.

Beauty is skin deep. Most men want more than a pretty face,

Do they?
Okey, great body is also something they’d like too.

I’ve never understood the denial in these kind of threads.
A lot of people want a good looking partner, many don’t care about the ”inner beauty” or whatever non sense if the person isin’t already attractive on the outside.

Why lie?
It just makes things worse.

Oh, and I’ll add before all womwn vome here and say they find men attractive once they know their personality.
That’s not uncommon.

But men do not do the same.

I'm not good looking at all - like yourself I'm a healthy weight and dress decently, but nothing is ever going to make me look beautiful. This has never ever prevented men from asking me out, even now in my 40s.

I am cheerful and friendly and also I think approachable in that they know even if the answer is no, it will be a friendly no. If you aren't getting asked out much, I wonder if you are a bit reserved or closed off, so they don't feel it is worth asking?

I'm certain it's not just looks. If you look around you will see that is no barrier to dating.

Nice of you to speak for all men. It doesn't sound like you've met them all, though, so it's hard to understand how you can have such confidence to speak for them.

There are some good articles about number of photos and types of shots to take. I think you need at least 5 profile shots and actually selfies are least preferred. I also think Hinge is good as you get to show a bit more personality. You also need to like about 5 profiles a day as well. In terms of being attractive, again, research suggests smiling increases your attractiveness substantially. I always say I've replied on my wits, make up and smiling a lot.