how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

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I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

Wellness coaches are the new MLM. YANBU.

Can you not say that you have already seen "someone "and are now in a much better place be vague and aloof but firm.

No YANBU. I work with 19 year olds and the idea that any of them could be in a position to offer life coaching is preposterous.

I wouldn't judge her based on her age as she may actually have some good ideas or techniques. That said, I'd probably feel the same. She may be very able, but I'd struggle to open up to someone young enough to be my daughter. I'd automatically be mothering her and not be able to talk about my own problems.

Thinking about it though, some of my yoga teachers are probably around that age and they do advise me on yoga type things...

Just give them a "no thank you. It's very kind of you to think of me but I have found a therapist already"

Perhaps you could accept it but do it in a way that says 'well, obviously, I've come out of my own situation now and don't need that support but I'd be very happy to let her practice on me and I can perhaps show her how to deal with people who've been in the same situation I was once in?'

Yaknow, kinda REALLY emphasise that you're happy for her to 'practice' on you as the Guinea pig? An idea anyway 😊

HI OP,

I do a lot of coaching in my role at work.

To be honest, reading in between the lines - they are very aware that you are now that you are now quite successful in your career/life.

The fact that they are now "jumping on the bandwagon" with their daughter appears to me by you being "coached" by her and also paying her as a client - she will attribute your success down to her value/ input as a coach.

Can you see where they are going with this?

Time to get assertive - tell them very clearly, no way do you need /want a 19 year coaching you. Its quite insulting - you own these people nothing.

Tell them in the nicest possible way ( or maybe not), to take a running jump. Don't even entertain the idea.

Tell them seeing her in that context would be a boundary violation for you, because you know her parents socially (as in, not in a professional context) and have known her since she was a child. Still is but that's by the by.

Then say you'd be happy to pass on the daughter's details to anyone you know who's looking for a life/wellness coach.

Then when you get round the corner, crumple the business card and toss it in the bin, in the manner of Walter White in full-on Heisenberg mode.

All the no. If you ever do want coaching or whatever it needs to be someone you don't have ties to. Just basic common sense.

I did once have a lovely young guy who sounded like he'd just graduated on an nhs 6 week thing and he was very insightful for what they were offering... but neighbours 19 year old. No.

They probably do think they're helping, doesn't mean they think any less of you. But you can still head it off with a no. Or that you've "got that thru work" or similar.

Eeew how patronising! I imagine they haven't thought this through, and I suppose they hope you will help them help their kid kind of 'in return' for how they helped (still believe they are 'helping'?) you?

Can you deflect, so while being firm that you really appreciate the suggestion but things are going really well and of course that means you are very busy what with work, kids and <insert wellness -adjacent activity such as yoga, choir, whatever in here>

But you think what she is doing sounds great and so of course you'd be delighted to put a notice up at work/give her some marketing tips/advise her on cash flow software...all kinds of things that set out very clearly who is the competent one and who is the needy one in this transaction!

They said they had told her about my past DV situation

You can also tell them that this is a major boundary/ethical violation of personal information about you.

'Boundaries' is the way out of this one. Genuinely.

Smile nod say sounds interesting and then never be available

end of

That would be a no fucking way from me.
Also I would distance myself from Lord and Lady Bountiful and suggest they find another Guinea pig for their child to practice on.

Oh just seen they told the lass about your past. I still stand by my suggestions above if you want to keep it superficially 'nice' but if they press the point, then be very clear and say something like "I don't think its appropriate at all - I couldn't mix my personal realtionship with your family with this kind of thing. It would be very unprofessional OF YOUR DAUGHTER to take on a client who knows her family so well"

Issue one is that this is a stupid idea. Just say no thanks, not for me, I don't want to.

Issue two is that they still see you as a project/person in need for them to support. Time and distance will help there.

You are successful whether or not they realise it, so it doesn't matter what they think about you, so you don't need to do a lot about it.

I don't know. They helped you when you were young with job support/interviews and now you're doing well.

I think they're asking for a return of favour, for you to help their daughter now you are in a position to do so.

Yes it's ridiculous for a 19 year old to be a 'life coach', but could you do one session as a favour and thank-you?

I imagine the 19year old may find her business model unsustainable but it will take time for her to realise that and coaching a successful person may give her insight into this.

Or, she might be totally unaware of her own limitations when it would probably be quite irritating - depends how tolerant you are feeling.

I totally agree with the PP who raises the issue of boundary violation. Tell them part of the truth, that you feel this would be a boundary violation and that you know you could never feel comfortable entering into such a therapeutic relationship with someone you know socially, however tangentially. Also say that you have a therapist who you have worked with closely over a number of years who has helped you make the changes that have led to your current stability and success, and that you feel comfortable with that level of support right now and aren't seeking more.

You don't owe them anything. Either they helped you because they thought you needed help or their help was transactional, which isn't fair, given the situation you were in when they supported you.

"I wouldn't judge her based on her age as she may actually have some good ideas or techniques."
I would a 19 year old who lives with mumsy and daddy has zero life experience
Tell them to jog on

What a pity that therapists and counsellors working with people who have spent time in foster care need to be specially trained so you can't help.

Turn it around on them. Tell them you don't think it's appropriate to discuss these issues with a DD of a family friend but that you are happy to use your newly acquired business acumen to help her drum up business.

I wouldn't judge her based on her age as she may actually have some good ideas or techniques

Quite right. It's not her fault she's 19. Everyone over the age of 20 was 19 once.

It's not about her being 19. Her age is irrelevant.

Her parents are 100% at fault here. They have committed a major ethical violation by talking to their daughter about your personal history.

This alone is more than enough for you to shut down this entire conversation.

This is a great idea.

Tell them that your past in foster care, combined with surviving DV means that your needs go way beyond the territory of "life coaching" and well into specialised counselling by therapist licensed in these particular needs, which you've already received/are currently receiving.

Absolute nerve of them sharing your past with their daughter. That alone would have me mad as hell.

Secondly wellness coaching is the biggest pile of bullshit I have ever come across - well bar life coaching. I roll my eyes when I hear of people being referred to as this. They need to go and find actual jobs and stop pontificating to people.

I don’t think it’s her age that’s an issue if you’ve gone out looking for a ‘coach’. However the issue is it’s their daughter, just totally wrong for her & you. I’d say no thanks, hope she does well.

also, I’ve an 18 year old who thinks he knows everything & he does know a lot about certain things but life experiences is NOT one of them!

They're trying to support their DD but haven't properly considered how offensive this would be to you.

You have drawn a line and moved on (good for you, I know how hard this is) while they still see you as someone who needs support. Its well meaning but also belittling for the successful, independent, responsible adult you are.

Massive boundary overstep discussing aspects your private life with anyone including their 19 year old too.

Thank them for thinking of you but say no and make sure they know its a definite 'no'. Don't make excuses that you see someone already or get embroiled by offering to hand her number to others, it muddies the waters and won't change the dynamic of how they see you when really its time to adjust the relationship onto an adult footing of equals. So just make it a clear no. Remind them your life has moved on, you are an adult and have drawn a line under the past and hope they can too. Draw your boundary and stick to it. Maybe even take a step back from them temporarily (and don't overshare about your life in future) so they have some time to adjust their opinion of you. If they quibble tell them a 19 year old is no way qualified to advise a 40yo adult with 3 DC on life.

The only person a 19yo can provide life coaching to us a 4yo, and even then it would be pretty dubious.