how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

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I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

I would go back and simply say you are not in need of any counselling or therapy at the moment, thank you. Wishing her all the best in her new career.

If they push it, then I'd ask what qualification and registrations she has as you'd only work with someone on the BACP register should you want counselling in future.

She's done some bullshit online course.

I am rethinking my response in light of other posters very rightly drawing attention to the fact that this couple discussed your personal information with their daughter. I initially felt that you might not want to offend them and should politely decline but, on reflection, I don't know if I would ever want to see them again if they had done this to me.

No fucking way. I have noticed that so many therapists and life coaches have no actual life experience themselves. They are full of theories but have never actually parented, or worked, or been caregivers, or managed finances. I would rather ask my mum for advice any day.

@jtaeapa why should she explain herself to these rude fuckers? I would ignore them from now on and if they ask again tell them not to be discussing my personal life. I am absolutely fuming on behalf of the OP.

Yes, I'd tell them how inappropriate that was.

It's really awful they think whatever course she's done qualifies her to provide counselling to people with complex issues. Bit like doing a first aider course and then thinking that qualifies you work as a physiotherapist, for example.

I agree with pp who are saying that it's likely the parents are seeing this as "we helped you with jobs etc whilst you were young, please support our daughter now". And I suspect that if she was selling chocolates or smellies or something you would probably have felt that was reasonable, bought some to give as presents for xmas, and left an enthusiastic review.

That said, given they know your background they were extremely insensitive to suggest that you support a life coaching business in that way. And very very inappropriate to talk to her about your personal life.

If you want to support her business I think that you could probably find a way to book her for a few sessions for someone that might enjoy it, or offer to pay for a website for her or something. But I think you're within your rights to say no.

Fuckabethfucker has the right approach...

Take her card, offer to share it with others.... wish her luck ... say you think that this type of coaching has a valuable place but would be inappropriate given the closeness of your relationship with her family.

I wouldn't engage with this. The daughter shouldn't have any knowledge of your life unless you chose to tell her. And at 19 she can't possibly have relevant experience of life. It's very cheeky of the couple to even suggest it. Even though they have been helpful in the past, I would start putting some distance in place.

I don't think its appropriate at all - I couldn't mix my personal realtionship with your family with this kind of thing. It would be very unprofessional OF YOUR DAUGHTER to take on a client who knows her family so well
This^ I don’t think you can change their attitude or their views about you, I wouldn’t bother. I wouldn’t promise them anything in terms of other clients. I would just give them this response, maybe by txt. It is true so they won’t be able argue with it.
of course you can point out how inappropriate they were to discuss your issues with their daughter but it might put you in a long discussion, they probably will back track on it etc etc.

I think as they have been good to you in
the past, it's not something to go nuclear about, but equally even if it is well intentioned, it's inappropriate.

I'd send one of the messages suggested thus far wishing their DD well, but explaining it wouldn't be appropriate because of the family connection and it's also not needed at this point.

They want their DD to do well and are trying to help - but imv no one gets a life coach/ counsellor who has relationship with you outside the counselling - I told my excellent life coach things I’d never told anyone in my life, she was a gret help.
bit I wouldn’t tell anyone who knew me those things.
Guide her to the many young teens with problems.

I would tell them that you feel upset and disrespected by their sharing details of your private life with their daughter. You appreciate that they probably had your best interests at heart, but you would ask them to please respect your privacy in the future. Because of the hurt you feel, you could not comfortably engage with their daughter and her services, but you wish her well.

On another note, the idea of a 19 year old being useful as a wellness coach is frankly ludicrous. True, she may have decent training in some aspects of wellness, such as nutrition, diet, and exercise. But anything beyond that (things like mindfulness, Motivational Interviewing, therapy) require good training and life experience to undertake well - and a 19 year old simply doesn't have these.

Wow I think that's really insensitive and foolish of them. It's not okay to discuss your past like it's just a casual thing. I would be very annoyed too. (And I am a wellness, mindfulness woo type person - but there is a time and place and this is not it!)

I'd be very annoyed that they had discussed my circumstances with their dd, and if the dd was any good as a counsellor she would also realise how hugely inappropriate this is.

Laughably inappropriate of this family.

Also these sort of 'life coaches' .... (also read unqualified counsellors) digging around in women's DV /trauma history could do SO much damage....

She'll have no appreciation of this.(As she's a 19 Yr old from priveleged background) .. Of the depth and complexity of these histories.

Of you're feeling particularly nice... Advise her to do some proper reading around DV before hawking herself out....

She is 19? No.

It seems that they like saving you, you are not so interesting to them if you are well, which seems you are now.

Or, you could go along with it and give her the absolutely, no holds barred, both barrels, awful truth of what you have been through. Perhaps it would make her see she has neither the life experiences nor skills at her age to be giving older people, who have actual experience, 'advice'.

Well done for coming through and making a success of your life and dreadful of them to have discussed some of the details with their daughter.

I suppose I can sort of see where they are coming from in wanting to help their child get started, but this is not the way I would have gone about it.

If people are going to call in the favours they do for you, then they were never really doing you a favour in the first place.

This is a straightforward conflict of professional interest, and their request can be declined on as straightforward a basis as that. Don't be tempted to elaborate: if you do, they will simply find reasons as to why you should do as they wish.

The PP upthread was right about boundary violation. It was inappropriate of them to ask.

It's also extremely out of order that they've discussed your situation with her. That should have been shut down immediately

If you owe them one then see it as helping her, as they helped you, rather than actual counselling. Keep it light, praise her advice etc.

I can see that you do not need a 19 yo wellness coach. It's hard to tell the dynamic from reading the post rather than being there. Clearly you can't have coaching from someone who is practically a family member.

You said that they have helped you over the years and I was wondering if they were looking to you to return the favour.

Their daughter is now a young woman, trying to find her way in the world and you are an established mature woman who may be able to open doors for her, in the sense of possibly a reference or positive review or other assistance with finding clients.

Yanbu a 19 year old life coach is just ridiculous and your friends shouldn't be telling people about your private life and past, it's nobody's business

I completely understand where you are coming from with this and a huge congratulation on how far you have come 🥰. Im my self 21 and even i would find it hard to open up to a 19 year old as im a mom my self and didnt have the best up bringing . I would defininetly suggest perhaps seeing if she would be open to you offering her more of an advise side of things on how she could help others that have the same or simular past situations as your self rather than you paying to be her client as its very clear that your doing well for your self. So more of a coaching perspective in a way.

This....

It is absolutely one of those roles where age has a LOT of impact....

A 19 year old cutting my hair, 'coaching' me living in a complex DV situation... Ha ha🤣

In fact I'd probably tell the parents they should tell their daughter to get properly qualified in something.... At 19 she could go and train to be a physio at uni, or she could learn re DV by becoming a voluntary support worker in a refuge....

Instead of setting herself up as any sort of 'expert'.

Of course her age is relevant.

This is revoltingly patronizing and tbh bordering on controlling and abusive

I would set a boundary clearly here op. Sayyou are unhappy they shared your past.

Say you know it is always advised that any counselling relationship is completely safe..ie. knowing the counsellor personally or them knowing people you no is a well established hard no in this field.

And say thanks for thinking if ne im happy and in charge of the support i need in life and would not use someone who I know personally

Its awful that she is 19 and i dont know why people woulf dismiss thst. You are a working adukt she has just left school