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Original poster

how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

321 replies

yellowsplashes · 07/12/2022 08:59

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

OP posts:
Blenheimprincess · 07/12/2022 11:16

Christ, YANBU at all, they can FTFO! Totally unreasonable. Politely decline and then see less of them.

OnlyFannys · 07/12/2022 11:16

I think I would have struggled to keep a straight face during in this conversation

Goodgrief82 · 07/12/2022 11:16

The fact that this 19 year old wellness coach didn’t stop her parents in their tracks when they were telling her such personal details about the OP… speaks volumes about her professionalism and skill and experience ie bugger all

waterrat · 07/12/2022 11:19

I am 45 and have been working with vulnerable people with trauma backgrounds for 15 years and I am still very aware of how careful I have to be not to fuck up in interactions with traumatised people

Fraaahnces · 07/12/2022 11:19

I would thank them for thinking of you (I know 🤮) but explain that you are now in your 40’s. You put yourself through exhaustive therapy when you were much younger and you have climbed the corporate ladder, own your home, raise your kids and maintain healthy relationships thanks to this. To relive your past would be either pointless or potentially destructive. If their daughter really wants to help people make positive changes to their lives, perhaps she could get some valuable work experience volunteering for some charities like Samaritans, etc. This may count as work experience and contribute to her resume in a meaningful way.

saraclara · 07/12/2022 11:20

FuckabethFuckor · 07/12/2022 09:11

They said they had told her about my past DV situation

You can also tell them that this is a major boundary/ethical violation of personal information about you.

'Boundaries' is the way out of this one. Genuinely.

I haven't read any further than this post, because 100% this!

HOW DARE THEY? I would be absolutely furious that they'd discussed my personal issues and background with her, and would absolutely tell them so. And of course no-one should be counseling/advising someone that they have a personal link to, anyway.

Redcrayons · 07/12/2022 11:22

It's not about her being 19. Her age is irrelevant

Do you know any 19 year olds? As a proud owner of a 19 year old, age is completely relevant. Maybe if she’d had a tough upbringing herself, she could possibly offer advice and support to younger teens but life coaching a 40 year old is a ridiculous idea.

Im a complete pushover so would probably meet up once as a favour and offer her some advice on building her customer base up whilst suggesting she gets a proper job.

Knittedfairies · 07/12/2022 11:23

I have never had friends or family do any work for me, because it blurs the lines between business and friendship, let alone any sort of personal issues.

Lovageandrose · 07/12/2022 11:23

Tell them to go fuck themselves

Goodgrief82 · 07/12/2022 11:26

Lovageandrose · 07/12/2022 11:23

Tell them to go fuck themselves

Fgs don’t do this

saraclara · 07/12/2022 11:27

Her parents are 100% at fault here. They have committed a major ethical violation by talking to their daughter about your personal history.

This alone is more than enough for you to shut down this entire conversation.

That. And it's not to late to make that clear. A simple text that says that you've just taken in the fact that they discussed your very personal history with their daughter, and that you're appalled by this breach of your privacy will do it.
Make it clear that they are not to discuss you with anyone else, and that of course you will not be talking with their daughter as it is clear that as a family they do not respect professional confidentiality.

TrainedByCats · 07/12/2022 11:28

‘No Thank-you’ would be sufficient

’No Thank-you, I don’t think it would be appropriate’ if you’re feeling expansive

’No Thank-you and please don't discuss my personal situation with her. She needs to understand client confidentiality is very important as well as a legal obligation if she wants to go into this professionally’ if you want to be helpful/gently establish boundaries.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 07/12/2022 11:29

Gosh, how did you manage to arrange your face during this?
I think a swift message
"Thank you for thinking of me but I don't have the need of wellness coaching as I feel I have a successful life and good resilience developed through working through the challenges life has thrown at me. I wish Persephone well in her new venture"
Whilst it is tempting to go to town on them, you have said that they have been kind and helpful in the past so I'd give them some leeway. It sounds like they are trying to help someone else, however awkwardly!

Janieread · 07/12/2022 11:30

At 19 she could go and train to be a physio at uni

Only if she has appropriate science A levels.

Lentilweaver · 07/12/2022 11:33

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 07/12/2022 11:29

Gosh, how did you manage to arrange your face during this?
I think a swift message
"Thank you for thinking of me but I don't have the need of wellness coaching as I feel I have a successful life and good resilience developed through working through the challenges life has thrown at me. I wish Persephone well in her new venture"
Whilst it is tempting to go to town on them, you have said that they have been kind and helpful in the past so I'd give them some leeway. It sounds like they are trying to help someone else, however awkwardly!

Persephone!😂

I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face either.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 11:36

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.
Hmm
They sound like a pair of do-gooders who cannot cope with the fact that the "poor abused foster child" is now an independent career woman who doesn't need their patronage.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation
WTactualF?
HOW FUCKING DARE THEY?
You are not the latest piece of gossip, a charity project, or an object to be pitied.
They spilled your personal information to a third party without your permission? I don't give a shit that it's their precious DD they told - that is not their information to spill.
It reeks of 'ownership' - that they feel not just entitled to tell third parties your private history, but to use that history to define you by.

and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.
They can seriously fuck off.
They think you owe them.
I hope you are totally, 100% clear in your mind that you do NOT.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?
Not only should you not be grateful - you have every right to be incandescently angry about this.
They reckon their privileged teenager has something to teach YOU about life? What a fucking joke!

I imagine the lunch was excruciating, you were squirming with unexpressed emotion which you felt constrained from expressing.
So ... don't stay trapped in a projected narrative that no longer applies to you.
Don't even feel the need to have this couple in your life any more if you don't wish to.
If you feel unable to say "no" in person, write to them. Something along the lines of -

"Hi, Overbearing Twats Acquaintance Couple
Thanks for lunch the other day, it was kind of you to take me out, & I'd also like to acknowledge all the encouragement you gave me when I was a teenager, & struggling with the difficult childhood issues you are of.

However, I'm not interested in Life or Wellness Coaching, as I have my own support networks in place for everything I need both professionally & personally. So I don't need to take up your offer to pay your teenager for her 'advice' thanks!

I suspect you might find that phrasing somewhat abrupt, but I'm actually being extremely polite, given that you saw fit to disclose the confidential details of the DV I escaped. I'm not sure why you felt that was necessary, or felt entitled to share it, & I'm baffled what you think your child could teach me about life, or what on earth you think her qualifications are to coach any DV survivor.

It was good to see you, but I'm not sure that you really 'see' me for who I am now, if that makes sense. You were kind to me when I was much younger, but don't seem to be able to accept that I am a survivor, not a victim. I am a 40 year old career woman, raising her children & managing her household singlehandedly, & I don't need to be patronised. I certainly don't need to cope with the ethical violation of having my private history of abuse disclosed without my permission, & the fact that you did that for commercial reasons, so that your daughter could have an opportunity to charge me for her "coaching" is extremely distasteful.

I'm happy to continue our acquaintance on a civil footing, but would prefer that you stop perceiving me as a victim, stop portraying me as one, & never betray my trust like that again. If that is unpalatable to you, perhaps it's better to wish you well & thank you for the kindly hand you extended all those years ago - but this unpleasant episode is beyond the pale, so whether we meet again or not - I don't wish to discuss the topic further.

Good luck to your daughter in her future career, & best wishes,
Yellowsplashes"

Stunningscreamer · 07/12/2022 11:38

Someone who's a wellness coach should not be counselling anyone, let alone someone with a history of trauma. They could cause all kinds of problems. It is very specialist work. If they think they are capable of doing this, it shows how poor their qualification is. One of the principles of counselling is to know your level of competence and to only work within it. Coaching is a very different discipline to do with setting goals in your life, working out where you are stuck, finding better ways to organise yourself, etc.

I agree with PP to say that you can only work with someone who is a specialist in working with people who've been in care. But you wish her well.

KettrickenSmiled · 07/12/2022 11:41

ooops-
& struggling with the difficult childhood issues you aware are of.

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 11:45

They are bang out of order!
these two people enjoyed lording it over you and now they are trying to cut you back down to where they think you should be, that's why they've told your personal private story to a 19-year old. That's a shocking lack of respect for your privacy.... they are treating you like the subordinate they want you to be!
I would just say thanks but no thanks that doesn't work for me me and subtly but decidedly distance myself from them

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 07/12/2022 11:45

OP, I really enjoyed reading your post.
If anyone should be coaching others on how to become a success in spite of a difficult start in life, IT IS YOU!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/12/2022 11:46

They sound like a pair of do-gooders who cannot cope with the fact that the "poor abused foster child" is now an independent career woman who doesn't need their patronage

This is exactly what I was thinking - and they're making an attempt, ostensibly well meaning, to re-establish a bit of the superior power balance they had when they were helping out a teenager.

OP - you realise that they'll be pumping the 19 year old for info about you if you go ahead with this?

HappyBinosaur · 07/12/2022 11:46

@yellowsplashes

I would say that you’re already seeing someone (therapist/coach etc) and it’s not advisable to see multiple people at the same time. You could even start by saying ‘it’s a generous offer but…..’.

Even if it’s not true it gives a legitimate reason for a firm NO which is what you need. I don’t normally encourage lying to get out of things but that would be an easy way out for you. Good luck!

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 07/12/2022 11:47

I wonder who else they have divulged details of your personal life to?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 07/12/2022 11:47

Soothsayer1 · 07/12/2022 11:45

They are bang out of order!
these two people enjoyed lording it over you and now they are trying to cut you back down to where they think you should be, that's why they've told your personal private story to a 19-year old. That's a shocking lack of respect for your privacy.... they are treating you like the subordinate they want you to be!
I would just say thanks but no thanks that doesn't work for me me and subtly but decidedly distance myself from them

Very astute. I agree with you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 07/12/2022 11:48

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 07/12/2022 11:47

I wonder who else they have divulged details of your personal life to?

Yeah, that. And who the 19 year old has shared it with.

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