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Original poster

how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

321 replies

yellowsplashes · 07/12/2022 08:59

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

OP posts:
BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 07/12/2022 09:54

JenniferBarkley · 07/12/2022 09:51

How infuriating.

I would be tempted to go passive aggressive. Email them some links about MLM wellness coaching and also the dangers of MLMs in general. Explain that you're concerned for their daughter, and that you have a lot of experience of mentoring young women starting out in their career. If 19yo would like to contact you to discuss some better choices she could make you would be more than happy to assist her - after all as someone who has achieved so much from less than ideal beginnings you do see it as important that you help other women to do the same.

You probably should take the high road though Grin

Yeah I'd probably do this too 😬

CrappyUsername · 07/12/2022 09:55

I'm cringing for them!!

Wonder how many of their other friends /acquaintances they've invited out for dinner to try and drum up business for their daughter!

Hope they stop bothering you.

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/12/2022 09:55

sjxoxo · 07/12/2022 09:52

I actually think maybe you are projecting a lot of your own insecurities into this… maybe they would describe this as ‘a younger friend we have who we have looked out for when she was a young’un and now she is successful and we are trying to help out 19yo daughter start out in the world and maybe she could be someone who could help our daughter??’
Maybe they’ve asked everyone they know… I’m not sure they would do differently if their daughter was say a freelance hairdresser? I expect they’d peddle her then aswell. I think it’s your own views about what they ‘might’ think of you based on your past etc that are coming into play here. You sound very well rounded and experienced in life to me and I expect they are hoping you might help their daughter tbh!!! Xxx

If that were the case, they wouldn't have made a point of saying they'd told their daughter about OP's DV past. They sound either totally oblivious to their lack of social boundaries, or not very nice people.

cheekaa · 07/12/2022 09:56

FuckabethFuckor · 07/12/2022 09:09

Tell them seeing her in that context would be a boundary violation for you, because you know her parents socially (as in, not in a professional context) and have known her since she was a child. Still is but that's by the by.

Then say you'd be happy to pass on the daughter's details to anyone you know who's looking for a life/wellness coach.

Then when you get round the corner, crumple the business card and toss it in the bin, in the manner of Walter White in full-on Heisenberg mode.

This

ThreeLocusts · 07/12/2022 09:57

What #FuckabethFuckor said. If you're phenomenally nice, you can keep the card and actually recommend her if you happen into anyone desperate for a life coach.

Respect to you for sorting yourself out so well. People do dumb things when worried about their children's careers but this couple have overstepped all sorts of lines. It's very gracious of you to even think about how to let them down gently.

Whiskeypowers · 07/12/2022 09:58

I think they’re extremely fortunate that you did not rip them both a new arsehole for betraying your trust and details regarding your life in order to hawk their teenage offspring’s interests.

that moment has now passed so just tell them no.

SalviaOfficinalis · 07/12/2022 09:59

They have really overstepped the mark. Hopefully the daughter has no idea and would be mortified if she knew.

I’d be completely honest with them and say things along the lines of:

You really put me on the spot,

I’m not comfortable with you discussing my history with your daughter,

It wouldn’t be appropriate for your daughter to take me on as a client, given the personal relationship I have with you.

sjxoxo · 07/12/2022 09:59

KvotheTheBloodless · 07/12/2022 09:55

If that were the case, they wouldn't have made a point of saying they'd told their daughter about OP's DV past. They sound either totally oblivious to their lack of social boundaries, or not very nice people.

Show quote history

@KvotheTheBloodless i don’t know - I could imagine two older, out of touch, worried parents saying that to try and be convincing of wither whole idea, wanting to have faith in their daughters niche new job, and I could imagine them also saying to their neighbour Pam ‘Well we thought after the divorce from Peter you might be interested and Katie’s’ such a lovely girl working so hard’ etc etc.. xx

FourTeaFallOut · 07/12/2022 10:01

Well, clearly it's ridiculous. Actually, it goes beyond ridiculous and into something more uncomfortable with them availing you of your past.

If you are wanting to keep the peace, I would say that you are in a really good place and wouldn't benefit from the coaching in any grand sense but you would like some motivation to <do something small that you want to do anyway -Kondo the wardrobe/ lose three pounds/ organise your mornings better> something that won't piss you off and she can still have you down as a client.

Flyinggeesei234 · 07/12/2022 10:08

pistachioshells · 07/12/2022 09:08

Perhaps you could accept it but do it in a way that says 'well, obviously, I've come out of my own situation now and don't need that support but I'd be very happy to let her practice on me and I can perhaps show her how to deal with people who've been in the same situation I was once in?'

Yaknow, kinda REALLY emphasise that you're happy for her to 'practice' on you as the Guinea pig? An idea anyway 😊

What the hell?! No. Who would do this?

SuperCamp · 07/12/2022 10:08

YANBU.

Doubtless they are mostly trying to boost their DD’s career, rather than the horrifically patronising and paternalistic ‘saviour’ behaviour they are indulging in.

I would say “I can see you are wanting to give your Dd a professional leg up with contacts. Now that I am a successful Executive would you like me to be an informal professional mentor for her ?”

Under no circumstances engage with this young woman as your coach. Tell them no. It doesn’t feel right and you don’t feel comfortable that they told her about your details. But offer to give her business tips… now that you are in a senior position.

They are high in their own importance and beneficence.

Tigofigo · 07/12/2022 10:09

Will they pay, or expect you to?

If they will pay, I'd give it a go for a session, you never know she might be good. You can update her on your actual situation rather than their perceived one. And it sounds like they'd appreciate this favour.

Good coaching can be helpful for anyone. But she might be shit!

Tigofigo · 07/12/2022 10:10

Also wanted to say well bloody done on your life's successes, no mean feat and I hope you feel proud of yourself.

Trees6 · 07/12/2022 10:10

They must be quite worried about her lack of career direction. I have a 19 year old and would be concerned if she decided that she was going to be a “wellness coach”. Eventually she will have to get a proper job but they’re obviously trying to support and encourage her her for now, rather than rain on her parade. I can see where they’re coming from and they’re probably asking several friends to sign up with her. It’s a shame she hadn’t gone in for Avon or something - it’s far easier to agree to buy a bunch of soap and mascara than it is to have wellness lessons !

HeatwaveToNightshade · 07/12/2022 10:11

Well, clearly they don't want to do YOU a favour. They want to give their daughter a career boost. No matter how helpful and wonderful they have been towards you in the past, this is an utterly unacceptable idea. You could just say that you are in a good place in your life right now and will keep their daughter in mind if that changes. Of course you don't have to actually keep her in mind, but it's short and sweet and might get them off your back without causing offence. They shouldn't have put you in this position though.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 07/12/2022 10:12

All of the posts advising the OP to explain herself... all I would do is tell them you are fucking disgusted they discussed your personal life and tell them you will never be seeing them again. Personally I would have told them to go fuck themselves when they said it first.

Murasakispillowbook · 07/12/2022 10:13

Oh MLM hell. Grim!

Definitely don't feel bad about not engaging!

yesforone · 07/12/2022 10:17

HoppingPavlova · 07/12/2022 09:35

The only person a 19yo can provide life coaching to us a 4yo, and even then it would be pretty dubious.

😂This.

Catslovepies · 07/12/2022 10:17

If you want to take the high road just say that you don't like dredging up the past, that you prefer to focus on the fact you're happy and successful now, and don't feel the need to open old wounds via coaching. However, in your position I'd be raging at the lack of respect, boundaries, and invasion of privacy. But I understand you may feel differently as these people were kind to you in the past.

User0610134057 · 07/12/2022 10:17

Yanbu
i thought you were going to say they wanted her to ‘practise’ on you for free which would be bad enough… but for you to pay her?? No way.

User0610134057 · 07/12/2022 10:18

I would just take her card or whatever say you’ll bear her in mind if you come across anyone who would be interested but it’s not for you right now

Cordeliathecat · 07/12/2022 10:20

I think this is how the world works to some degree. They assisted you professionally in your younger years and now they are asking you to pay it forward, which I think you should try to do.

However, I don’t think the way you should become one of her clients. As a PP said, the relationship is too close. It doesn’t feel ethical.

What I would do is say that it sounds like a very interesting area their daughter is going into and you love to help, have a coffee with her and see how you may be able to understand what she does a bit better and see if you know anyone who may be able to benefit from her services. But also explain that due to the personal relationship, coaching you wouldn’t feel appropriate.

Ch3wylemon · 07/12/2022 10:21

She is clueless and possibly dangerous If she thinks it's appropriate for her parents to hustle for work on her behalf with someone who has a complex history.

FlowerArranger · 07/12/2022 10:24

Apologies, I do not have time to read the whole thread, but this jumped out at me:

They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me...

They what???!!!!!

And you did not immediately make it absolutely clear that they have seriously violated your privacy?

Who else have they told about this?

You have clearly come a very long way,@yellowsplashes , and kudos to you, but you need to work on your personal boundaries! 💐

jtaeapa · 07/12/2022 10:29

I would write something along the lines of:

It was nice to see you for lunch on Tuesday and how exciting for X to be embarking on a new career. Although I have faced difficult times in the past, I am now in a fantastic position - I have my kids, house, a great job and I’m very well. I don’t need any coaching or wellness advice but if you would like X to have a client to practice on for a one off session, I’d be happy to act as a Guinea pig to help her on her way with her new career.