how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

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I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

How dare they tell her all about your past!
Wellness coach at 19? What's that, a psychology A level and then a quick on line course? I'm furious for you.

For me, her age and privileged upbringing are irrelevant it's the fact her parents have disclosed information to her that you're uncomfortable with and you would be uncomfortable being 'coached' by their daughter.

As PP's have said, boundaries! Set boundaries.

Although this isn't an AIBU, for the record, YANBU!

It's not about her being 19. Her age is irrelevant.

Not so on the context of life coaching. Have you had 19yo’s? Have you had a depth of experience with a vast range of 19yo’s? If so, you would understand how preposterous a 19yo life coach is.

How deeply offensive of them to use and share your personal information with their CHILD.

They have zero boundaries and clearly zero respect for your right to privacy.

They clearly see you as a "project" rather than a person and that is really ugly of them.

I think not offending THEM should NOT be your primary concern.

I would use this opportunity to put them firmly in their place and actively avoid them going forward.

They are not nice people.

No one is THAT obtuse.

Do it by text if you wish, but they need telling very firmly how utterly disrespectful of you they have been and that you wish for space and privacy from THEM.

In, not on.

Just say no.

19! Ffs!!!! (I have an 18 and 20 year old). There are a some roles where you do need a few years on the clock and any type of coaching / counselling is one of them. Research suggests that the human brain does not reach maturity until 25

The first rule of Wellness Coaching is to understand boundaries and the point at which they told her about your past, she should have put her hand up and said 'this is not appropriate'.

They are both inappropriate and you need to stop telling them stuff about yourself. You've probably been the subject of many a dinner party discussion for years.

The fact they share your private history with their child is enough for me to say it won't work (presumably they will expect their daughter to gossip about you to them too?)

If they are good people you saying no to them will not affect your relationship.

Congrats on everything you've achieved Btw!

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.

I think if I were you I’d counter it with a ‘To be honest, you rather put me on the spot at lunch but I’ve been thinking it over and I wouldn’t be a good fit as X’s client - I’ve had great help from coaches and counsellors in the past but I’m just not in need of that at the moment. Things are going well! But I’ll definitely put her name out there if I know anyone who is looking for a recommendation- does she have a website yet and can point people to?’

Send a text.

"I've been thinking about our conversation today. I don't think I need a wellness coach at the moment, but do send me her flyer and I'll publicise it as much as I can, I hope she makes a success of it. Incidentally, I do like to keep my past private so I'd really appreciate it if you don't discuss it with anyone else, and you make sure that (19 year old) knows that the information is confidential".

To me, it’s a boundary I wouldn’t want to cross as the relationship is too close.

Obviously I’d also be very sceptical of coaching a 19 year old could give to you too.

You've probably been the subject of many a dinner party discussion for years

Agree entirely.

As for this new career...it's a non starter. Something people do when they don't have much else to do. I imagine the market for wellness coaches is pretty small and even smaller for teenage wellness coaches.

I agree in a broad sense. But in this particular situation, I would argue that yes, being 19 is irrelevant. Or at least, the least relevant fact in this whole situation.

OP has had highly personal aspects of her upbringing and relationship history disclosed to someone outside of a therapeutic context. It doesn't matter if the daughter is 19 or 39 or 59. She has, in a way, been compromised by this situation too.

It's her parents who have blundered in here. It's their fuck-up.

“You don't owe them anything. Either they helped you because they thought you needed help or their help was transactional, which isn't fair, given the situation you were in when they supported you.”

I agree with this. You don’t owe them anything op.

Actually I think this one a one of those 'jobs' where age and life experience absolutely does matter. What is she going to be able to bring to the table exactly? I wouldn't be interested in any advice from a 19 year old. I actually did have a bit of life experience behind me at 19 and lived independently from my parents and quite frankly, I was still fucking clueless about life.

Obviously the other major issues with confidentiality/boundaries etc - it's just a huge insult that they would even suggest it. They sound like clueless half wits and I wouldn't speak to them again.

This is the way to deal with it. It makes it clear that this is a poor idea, unprofessional, and will never happen, so shuts the door on it entirely.

Don’t feel you can’t say no without looking rude. They are massively overstepping by trying to push into this part of your life, which should remain private.

All of this.

Did you ask why they told her your private business?

How infuriating.

I would be tempted to go passive aggressive. Email them some links about MLM wellness coaching and also the dangers of MLMs in general. Explain that you're concerned for their daughter, and that you have a lot of experience of mentoring young women starting out in their career. If 19yo would like to contact you to discuss some better choices she could make you would be more than happy to assist her - after all as someone who has achieved so much from less than ideal beginnings you do see it as important that you help other women to do the same.

You probably should take the high road though

I think I’d very kindly advise the parents to tell their daughter to get a proper job.

I would say ‘10/20 years ago, I would have said yes, but I’m in a really good place right now and am looking towards the future, not the past’.

If they really pushed it, I would then say that you would actually be a bit concerned about confidentiality and seeing as they’ve discussed every detail of your life with her, surely they will expect the same back and you are just not comfortable with it.

You seem like a fairly awesome person, so don’t let them bully you.

I actually think maybe you are projecting a lot of your own insecurities into this… maybe they would describe this as ‘a younger friend we have who we have looked out for when she was a young’un and now she is successful and we are trying to help out 19yo daughter start out in the world and maybe she could be someone who could help our daughter??’
Maybe they’ve asked everyone they know… I’m not sure they would do differently if their daughter was say a freelance hairdresser? I expect they’d peddle her then aswell. I think it’s your own views about what they ‘might’ think of you based on your past etc that are coming into play here. You sound very well rounded and experienced in life to me and I expect they are hoping you might help their daughter tbh!!! Xxx

I would be very upset by the implications that you currently need help and that they think this young woman would be able to help you in any way when she has no experience of the trauma you have gone through.

I would be absolutely horrified that that they have told her your personal information about domestic abuse. That's outrageous.

I'd write a very strong note, reminding them that you're not in that position now, that you've made huge strides and are now in a very happy place, and telling them that you will no longer talk to them about anything personal given they feel free to share it with others.

No excuses are necessary. I would say no and then never socialise with these people again.

This is perfect.