how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

I wouldn't write a long explanation of why you don't want this help, their eyes will glaze over and they won't take it in because they think you're just a silly girl (which is why they think a 19-year old girl should be the one to sort you out)
be polite but also be firm and to the point.... don't act like a subordinate

I concur completely with the energy @KettrickenSmiled has put into her detailed reply.

I share her outrage on the OP's behalf.

They sound fxxking awful.

Having thoughful, intelligent, empathetic, children aged 18-20 year olds myself, the idea that they could offer ANYTHING approaching life coaching to a 40 year old career professional mother is frankly preposterous.

I repeat, they sound odious.

Your gut is allergic because anyone with half a brain would be furious at their CFxxkery.

Christ on a bike I hadn't considered the 'pumping' aspect @MrsDanversGlidesAgain

Eew. See also PP who commented about how they would claim any positives or 'improvement' in OP's life as due to their daughter's 'coaching'.

Ugh ugh ugh.
I can just imagine them sitting round their middle class kitchen dining table, discussing OP like she's a sample under their microscope. Patting themselves on the back & taking all the credit for OP's backbone & hard work.
Fucking DV-Tourist cunts.
Excuse me OP & everyone, am a tad annoyed ...

OP - you realise that they'll be pumping the 19 year old for info about you if you go ahead with this?
good point, well if you want a bit of fun you could feed her disinformation and see what happens, however that just draws you further into their web which is what they want and I'm sure you'll have far better things to do with your time!

This is an attempt to bring you back under their control via the 19-year old!

Yes I agree with this although they may not be aware of this themselves.

Offer to look through her business plan
Nice one, I like it😁
that would really turn the tables on them, when you meet her quickly shut down any attempt to 'life coach' you and start giving her advice....don't give her a chance to practise on you make it all about how she needs help from a mature successful woman

but it's still draws you into their web so probably best not?

A 19 year old wouldn't be qualified in psychotherapy.

I agree that it's grossly inappropriate on so many levels. Insulting really.

I would park it. Don't contact the daughter or them. If they get in contact to push you some more, I'd then say it was inappropriate, and that they shouldn't have divulged your private affairs. It's really the end of the 'friendship'. Sad, but this is not coming from a place of respect on their behalf.

@yellowsplashes This would be extremely inappropriate.
You know that.
I have had counselling in the past, and the best ones to a man and woman were my age or older, and have had lots of lived experience.
One of these counsellors I recommended to a friend, and he said that the counsellor gave a free. Initial meeting to see if they were suitable to work together.
@££per hour , the counsellor wants to ensure that the potential client will get benefit/ is ready for counselling.
Just say No!
What can
a 19 yr old help you with? Plus knowing you indirectly- NOT good.

Damned good post, @KettrickenSmiled . You are thinking along exactly the same lines as me - this is a power move. They might not consciously see it as such, but it is. And I'd be beyond furious, among other issues, to be ambushed at what was presented to me as a social meet-up that turned into a pressurised sales pitch - I mean, trying to get you to call her there and then? that's the tactics of double glazing salesmen.

I would run a mile from this, op. It doesn't sound as if you need a wellness coach (whatever that is), certainly not one with so little life experience, and especially not one who is receiving private info about you from her parents and may end up giving them such info back.

That said, I don't think being young and privileged necessarily means someone has nothing to offer- if someone had (say) trained as a clinical psychologist then their professional skills would be valuable despite their youth and background. But a wellness coach ain't a clinical psychologist. Plus there's no suggestion you want or need any of this. Just no.

Oh my goodness, I can definitely see why you are uncomfortable with this.

The couple may have good intentions and really think they are offering something good to you and the 19 year old. It certainly sounds as though they may have a fixed idea in their mind about what role you fill in their lives, and haven't caught up to the fact that you have grown and are in a different place now. They may never be able to see this, which is a shame as you have achieved amazing things! Unfortunately that's the way some people are.

I love the idea of bouncing this back by offering to review her business plan, but if you're not comfortable with that, just keep a brief, consistent message that you don't want to mix professional services with the personal relationship you have with their family and that you wish her well in her stupid business. You could suggest that she offer her services for free to a local charity if she needs the experience, though OTOH she might do more harm than good to her clients so maybe not ....

Cheers @MrsDanversGlidesAgain & you are spot on.
I was going to include something about the high-pressure sales in a previous post but couldn't remember how the version of "shilling" is spelled, when it's applied to fraudulent/excessive sales pushiness.

This. ^ I know a couple of men who've been through a lot of stress and suffered depression, who went to the GP with their issues, and they were allocated a 'Wellness Coach/Counsellor.' One got a 19 year old and the other a 20 year old, (both female.) Both men are late 40s/early 50s. I think it's safe to say they only went to the one session.

I mean, it would be the same with women. I'm roughly in that age group and no way in hell would I be pouring out all my life's problems to a teenager. I'm sorry, but what the actual fuck do they know about anything, really? There will be 95% of issues and problems that these teenagers will never have experienced or suffered, and will know NOTHING about. Absolute joke. And insulting frankly...

What the hell is a wellness coach?

OP just say thank you for the thought but being such a busy career women and having a home to run and kids to care for doesnt leave you any spare time right now but you will of course pass her details on to anyone looking for her services.

It was highly inappropriate of them to discuss your past situation with their daughter. And even more inappropriate for then to seek to use your past horrors as a way to kickstart their directionless daughter’s career.

This absolutely reeks of them being comfortable with you as a victim but not accepting you as a successful adult. I’m guessing that at lunch you offered to pay for your own food but they wouldn’t hear of it and insisted on paying for you? Classic. If they’re trying to force you to stay in ‘victim mode’ and not respecting your right to privacy, then this may be an unhealthy relationship for you to continue.

Two ways you can play it:

1. The non-confrontational option. A text message saying something like “Lovely to see you the other day and so interesting to hear about your daughter’s career, I hope it goes well for her. I don’t need any coaching - life is great these days! - so will not be contacting her, but thank you for thinking of me xx
2. Slightly more firm option: A phone call or message saying something like “It was so lovely to see you the other day, thank you for the lunch. However, I’d really appreciate it if you would not discuss my past difficulties with others, even your daughter. That unpleasant chapter of my life is done with now and I would like my privacy respected. I don’t need or want any coaching and prefer not to have troubles from long ago brought up socially. I’m sure you understand. Thank you again, I hope your daughter’s new career goes well. xx

Indeed it is.

Their request is massively inappropriate, and I'm outraged for you!

Not only for these reasons, already mentioned by PPs:

• They've shown an appalling lack of respect for your privacy by sharing info about your past
• A 19-year-old would not be able to offer useful advice to a successful 40-year-old
• It would be completely inappropriate to have coaching from someone with whom you have a social connection

But also, telling someone that you think wellness coaching "would really help them" is massively patronising and shows a lack of respect for the person's ability to make decisions about their own life!

If you had recently asked them for advice, and they had said: "It sounds as though wellness coaching might help. We know of a wellness coach - would you like us to pass on her details to you?", and if the coach in question was not 19 or related to them or in their social circle, only then would it have been an ok suggestion. Even then, it should have been accompanied by: "We realise that you might feel coaching isn't right for you - it's just a suggestion. And this coach might not be someone you click with - you'll probably want to talk to a few before deciding which to go with."

But when someone hasn't asked advice, and they're leading a functional life, to just barrel in and pressure them to have wellness coaching is really rude!

In your reply, I think it's a really good idea, as PPs have suggested, to offer to mention the daughter's business to people. That will not only come across as polite and helpful, but it will be a way of saying: "This is about you wanting business for your daughter".

Thank you for your considered advice.
At this point in my live journey I don't need the services of a "wellness coach". I am, thankfully, more confident and more positive in my outlook than I have been over the previous, troubled, few years.
If in the future, I decide that I need counselling, I will reach out to somebody with the appropriate experience and qualifications.
I hope you have a Happy Christmas
Kind regards
@yellowsplashes

LIFE not LIVE ffs! 🤬

Totally agree with @KettrickenSmiled's brilliant letter.

They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services

I think, despite her age, I wouldn't be happy for her being my life coach as I would feel she would tell her parents the private information you would be talking to her about. They seem quite forceful and I'm not sure she could keep your confidential information to herself.

Ironically, a male friend was told by a trained counsellor that he could potentially be a counsellor himself- There are far fewer men doing it compared to women.

I recommended the male counsellor to a friend as I thought a man might understand a man better.

If the male I know had a young woman as his therapist, he’d not open up like he was able to with another man.

Female physios are fine, it doesn’t matter if they are younger, or female, but for therapy of the emotions- A man is probably better for a man.(?)