how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

They said they had told her about my past DV situation

that would indicate @SantasGrotty that the DD did not find out “organically”

But she might just want to be nice to the only people who gave a shit about her.

Ouch.

There you go again @SantasGrotty with the projection.
Can you not see how rude & patronising the assumption that OP had nobody else in her life who cared about her is?

You have no idea who was in her life, how many people gave a shit.
I would hazard many - she is 40 years old, has lived a full life, had DC, established a career, ditto a household Few people do that without friends, mentors, acquaintances & colleagues alongside them to celebrate the wins & commiserate over the losses.

Portraying OP as friendless apart from this couple is condescending. Like you her to fit into a victim-shaped role. She's a grown woman, not a Catherine Cookson waif.

I do agree that telling them to fuck off would be a wholly unfair response.

I would like to know the extent to which they have been involved with the Op since her teen years

I feel completely paralysed about it

Op, feeling like this is not a healthy response to this situation. I do feel on the basis of your reaction to this, that you may well benefit from speaking with a therapist (but not a 19 year old squirt!)

@SantasGrotty

Yes, they were kind.

and perhaps now they are not being kind

Yes, they were kind. Checking in on her and making sure she was ok and trying to help her. Why minimize that? As a person who grew up in rather shit conditions I'd have loved that kind of outside influence.
I'm not minimising it.
I'm explaining that is basic human decency, the kind of acts many decent people do.
It's not an excuse for the current batshit level of intrusion.

It is also not outside the realms of possibility that the daughter became aware of the DV in an organic way.
She didn't. The parents made a point of informing her.
They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy,

My children know my sister gets the shit knocked out of her because we've had to collect her and because her husband isn't allowed in my home. We don't hide it and they aren't stupid.
I am very sorry to read about your sister. I hope she manages to leave her H soon. This must be hard for you to bear.

OP's 2nd paragraph indicates that this couple indeed "were quite helpful" in her teens & 20's - ie the jobhunting & career building years. But they did not acknowledge her career & life achievements through her 30's. Given the tense structure in the syntax, it seems they were less of a presence then - OP has not mentioned that they stepped in re: her DV for example, just that they were aware of it - so it doesn't seem as likely that either they or their DD witnessed any knocking about or its after-effects.

We're not "dv tourists".
Who said you were?

And neither were these people who have known the OP well before the DV. I doubt they brought it up the day she finished her wellness course.
They're not just DV tourists - in this one incident, whether through ignorance & arrogance, or a sense of being 'owed', they were DV predators. Selling out OP's private business to their DD with the hope of gain (monetary & experience - not a though to what that 'experience might cost OP's MH).
It makes absolutely no difference WHEN they told their teenager about the DV. It was wrong to reveal it at any point. I can't believe you think that's a point in their defence.

It also reads as if they did tell their DD about it just ahead of this lunch. Because that was the sole purpose of the lunch, & that was when they coolly revealed to OP that they had blabbed her personal history to their child because they want that child to become OP's paid therapist.
That is breathtaking arrogance. The notion that their child could 'help' OP, & OP should pay for the 'privilege'.

If the op wants to follow the usual MN advice she could of course tell them to "fuck off to the far side of fuck" and go no contact. But she might just want to be nice to the only people who gave a shit about her.
OP is coming over as a resourceful woman who will make up her own mind & do exactly what is optimum for her. I've addressed your last sentence here separately because it was quite hard to digest, frankly.

You make good points @KettrickenSmiled but they are always so incredibly long!

😂Nice try.

But you've already answered your own question.
OP asked that herself.
She requested PP opinion.

Nobody posting here invited her to an ostensibly social lunch, then foisted an unasked for opinion on her. I imagine if OP finds me condescending, she's well able to tell me so herself - I've already said she's welcome to pm if she wanted to vent/discuss/whatever.

Not sure what you're driving at with this, especially the oddly placed caps.
(had you read all of her TWO posts.)
Of course I have. Not sure what you are implying. OP doesn't owe any PP updates, she can post as much or as little as she likes. I hope the range of opinions she's received has given her a sense of support, & plenty of options to weigh - but she doesn't need to report back on what she decides to do.

I don't think you need to cut anyone off. A phone call to the daughter, explaining that her parents had suggested her services but that you already have access to such things so you don't need it but you wish her every success, then a follow up to the parents letting them know that you won't be requiring the service and that you've let their daughter know, with thanks, is more than enough.

They've massively overstepped here. I'd give them space to have a think about that and then attempt to move on.

Of course, if they refuse to drop it or become rude then you are well within your rights to point that out to them and distance yourself.

Doing it now just feels like a bit of an overreaction.

It's not professionally ethical to treat close family/friends.
Their DD should understand this and not try to have you as a client.

They are refusing to drop it Staunch - they're now hassling OP every day for an answer.

@KettrickenSmiled Because she hasn't given them an answer!

Time to give a clear no!!

If they won't accept that no then sure, walk away from the crazy, but for now they seem to think she's considering it!!

@KettrickenSmiled Agree that they sound truly batshit, though.

Just say no thankyou. You're in a really good place and don't feel you need it.

If you're unhappy about them sharing some of the details of your life with her, you might also want to say so..

I think they've massively overstepped the line by divulging sensitive information about your past, misleading you about why they asked you to meet them and volunteering you like they did.

This is an awful situation for you
While you acknowledge their kindness in the past you are not unreasonable to want a different relationship that is friendship not help .

I hope their Dd told them it isn't appropriate for her to know your history from them without you agreeing to her services . These boundaries are unethical .

I would even be cautious about recommending her with these dubious practices

Well done you btw , your story is inspiring

@KettrickenSmiled has the measure of these people, IMO.

If you were to become her client I would imagine her parents would press her to disclose details of your sessions with her . If her boundaries are as fuzzy as theirs she might tell them .

Don't call her. It's nice they 'checked-up' on you OP, but they sound like dickheads. Some people do things out of the kindness of their hearts. Others are emotionally invested in always seeing you as helpless because it feeds their grandiose sense of self to see themselves as benevolent good folk. This might be why they have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, and why they are being cheeky fuckers now. These types of people will make demands later (but will not tell you about this transactional expectation). You see, you should be grateful for their attention and now they think they can ask you to consider this ridiculous proposal now.

Also - what a staggering lack of sensitivity and self-awareness.