how to get this message across - am having a 19 year old "wellness" coach foisted on me

[yellowsplashes]

I am 40, divorced, got 3DC and have a well paid job. I struggled a lot from childhood as foster child due to abusive home, and going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum. I have always been poor but quite recently had a successful career as an executive and have done well in a corporate environment, worked my way up the ladder, earning well, bought my own house. Feel like a different person, have been through a lot but got out of it.

There is a wealthy, well to do couple now in their late 50s/early60s in the town I grew up in, who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me. I've always been extremely grateful to them and shown them that. They have not really acknowledged my upward trajectory, which I would say I have been on for the last decade since I hit 30. I did not rely on them for money, housing or anything like that. But they were a consistent presence in my life. They still however see me as the "poor unfortunate" one.

Recently, they asked me out for lunch because they wanted to speak to me. When I got there, they told me that their daughter (who is 19) has just qualified as a "wellness coach" and is looking for clients. They said they had told her about my past DV situation and that they think she would be very good for me in terms of giving me therapy, life coaching, apparently she does a combo of wellness techniques and therapy. They were pushing it very strongly and trying to get me to call her while we were at lunch asking for her services. She obviously has no clients and they had obviously promised her they would get me to do it. And pay her, obviously.

I am having a real allergic reaction to this. Partly because, I think, they have an outdated version of me in their minds. Partly because, I have sought, am capable of seeking and will seek the help I need rather than have it foisted on to me, and thirdly because she is 19 and from a priveleged upbringing with no problems, and I have no idea how she feels she can advise a 40 year old working single mum of three on "wellness." I don't want to be ungrateful but AIBU?

They sounded like good and nice folk once upon a time who have made an error here and need correcting.

I know @Geville, I know!

& it's up to OP, but let's reframe that "used to be nice" thing.
How many threads have we read here about horribly abusive men who "used to be nice"?
OP's of those threads aren't advised to stick around waiting for the nice to come back.
They are advised that the nice is a mask, is always a mask, & the true, abusive behaviour is who that man really is.

This couple's mask has slipped.
All it took was an opportunity for their DD to profit (cash & experience) from OP, & they threw her to the metaphorical wolves. Discussed her behind her back. Made her an object of need & pity.
I'm not sure what exact role they played in OP's younger life, but if ANY of it was in some kind of formal capacity through a charitable or mentoring organisation - they could be in seriously hot water here. Like - debarring levels of serious.

Even if they're not, this is still fucking outrageous, & needs avoiding, not pandering to with #BeKind (to them) type responses. Not that I'm saying you're suggesting that Geville!

I like this response a lot. I would also add a line stating I was proud of my achievements and happy to speak to their daughter about how she too could find success - just to drive that point home also.

I see this a bit like I’d see the daughter becoming a plumber (which would be a lot more useful, let’s face it). I wouldn’t feel obliged to send a long message explaining why I didn’t need a plumber, how my boiler was working well, my stopcock functioning effectively, no dripping taps etc. A simple “thanks but I’m not looking for a plumber” would do it. Same for this.

That's a good point. If OP doesn't want to go nuclear (as they deserve, frankly) then she should go with this strategy.

'Thanks but I don't need a wellness coach' should be enough. And if its not and they continue to pester daily, then it really is time to bin them off.

Even if she was the most experienced and highly regarded life and wellness coach on the planet…. I would still be saying “thanks but no thanks” 😂

Op you say they were quite involved during your teen years.

what about twenties and thirties when you were

, going through successive abusive relationships in my twenties culminating in a DV marriage which I managed to escape three years ago. DC have no contact with their father and I am a single mum

I totally agree with the MLM comments. Often wellness coaches don’t have to be examined too closely to see that Forever Living, Herbalife or Arbonne (to name just a few) is pulling their strings and increasingly the product front to pyramid schemes isn’t a “wellness drink” but an entire “coaching” philosophy. Money is made by pulling in the naive or vulnerable to spend money “learning to be a coach” and then the only way they can really make money is “coaching” [recruiting] others into the scheme, who then pay to be “coaches” too. The problem comes from the vulnerable “coaching” the vulnerable when the agenda of the MLM is to target vulnerability even if that vulnerability is someone with serious problems such as a history of abuse and CPTSD or a MH diagnosis. A lot of damage gets done to people. Better regulation of counselling and therapy would help but wouldn’t reach these types sadly. One example of a dodgy coaching organisation is something called Belief Coding™️ (beware any “therapy” that wants to remind you it’s trademarked!). It was started by a runner up on the Apprentice and is totally a recruitment device making all sorts of spurious claims and passing money up the pyramid from all its trainee life coaches.

I bet the daughter is under pressure from her upline and has badgered her parents for anyone they know of a “suitable profile” [vulnerable/likely to seek support] and they’ve come up with you OP. It’s a disgusting breach of your privacy. Personally I would be letting the parents know it’s not OK to share that information with anyone without your express permission and certainly not with their daughter for her commercial gain.

I’m a therapist (CBT therapist employed in the NHS and private practice). I am not a life coach, I am not a counsellor. A properly qualified counsellor will have accreditation by the BACP and abide by an ethical code and ongoing training and supervision requirements. In my case I’m accredited by the BABCP and to do that I have to have a post graduate qualification as a minimum and hundreds of hours of supervised practice under my belt to gain accreditation and I have to reaccredit every year by submitting my ongoing training record and supervision records. My accrediting body has a complaints procedure and my practice is monitored. Part of the training of therapists is knowing your own limits and when someone’s problems are beyond one’s remit. It’s also responding ethically with a potential client’s best interests at heart. I frequently get self referrals in private practice where the person hasn’t realised that they know me in another context and the first thing I do is tell them and offer them alternative therapists to contact. As everyone says, she should have closed her parents down right away but her agenda is clearly something different and she knows nothing about ethical behaviour or confidentiality. The other issue is that she likely has no insurance and is not registered with the ICO with regard to data handling and privacy.

So many red flags and I’m not surprised you are unhappy about this @yellowsplashes . It sounds like you could teach them a thing or two rather than the other way around!

This is such a well written post. I have quite specific MH problems and I know from personal experience how seeing the wrong type of therapist can end up doing more harm than good, and that the person you speak to really does need to be completely impartial and confidential. There are so many red flags all over how they are handling the situation with their daughter and putting undue pressure on you OP but it may well be down to complete naivety on their part rather than deliberate malice. I think some of the polite ‘no thanks, I don’t need a wellness coach right now’ responses on here are probably best

A simple “thanks but I’m not looking for a plumber” would do it. Same for this
yer, but what if the plumber's mum & dad are chasing you up daily😬

I see your point @MillyMollyManky but it's not equivalent.

The only way to make it even approach equivalence would be if, say OP had a history of plumbing disasters caused by something deeply personal like IBS or vast quantities of sanpro usage, & told their DD plumber all about how OP needed a plumber because (detail confidential issues).

They've also positioned OP as somebody who needs their 19 year old's services.
Everybody needs a plumber at some point of other - not everyone needs or wants a Life Coach. Assuming OP 'would benefit from' a Coach is beyond patronising, & also shows how very little they understand about ACE, trauma therapy, professional expertise ... vs: trumped-up layperson 'wellness services'.

I wonder if the couple feel OP owes it to them to support their daughter because they were there for her when she was younger?
They seem determined to extract something from her!

Stonking post at Today 17:45 @YouOKHun - thank you for your clarity & insight.

I just wanted to add this to the long list of reasons why life coaches aren’t trust worthy.

www.cbc.ca/amp/1.6364745

Everything @YouOKHun said.

I've known a few of these 'coaches' love, wellness, relationship, sex, parenting etc etc all of them were selling cosmetics before hand or involved in dodgy pyramid schemes.

I've noticed the coach word has been dropped by a few and replaced with 'expert' as they realise people are catching on to what a scam it is.

OP just a simple 'I don't need her services thank you very much' should suffice and if they weren't listen break contact.

They are following up daily thats harassment

Do you think I should […] just cut them all off?

Yes!!

Just tell them, its an absolute NO because on no account would you ever discuss or examine your private stuff with their DD. Because she is their DD.

In such work there is an ethical boundary regarding your privacy, and her impartial objectivity, that she should never cross. Any professional training facility should have taught her that.

It would be a very hard no from me, what a fuckkng liberty
but I’d be tempted to ask for her qualifications, including post graduate training and everything @YouOKHun listed in their post

Do NOT call this kid @yellowsplashes. I very much doubt that she has any idea that there is any difference between what she thinks she does and a REAL counsellor or psychologist. She will undoubtedly have been trained to be as entitled as her parents and has taken an easy shortcut and now considers herself qualified to work with vulnerable people. At this point, you are the only one mummy and daddy can think of and they’re calling in favours.

Nope. No. Nyet. Nein. Nej. Non.

I see where you’re coming from OP.

Firstly, it doesn’t sound like you need a wellness coach. Secondly, I’d prefer any one like that to be older with similar experiences to myself.

Well done for turning your life around though - that’s truly inspirational 🤩

A 19-year-old wellness coach? Now I’ve heard everything!

Leaving aside the sheer ridiculousness of a teenager being experienced enough to give you meaningful life / wellness advice, I think you have to tell them firmly but kindly (based on their previous help to you) that you’ve moved on. You don’t need a wellness coach. Also, bearing in mind your past relationship, it would be totally inappropriate. Stand firm, just say no thanks and start to limit your contact with them if they keep on about it.

They have shown you decades of kindness, so I would tread carefully and I think your suggestion of ringing her directly and explaining would be the best answer here. She'll probably be mortified when she realizes the reality of the situation.

Have they though?

Isn't that assumption based on the same rather condescending mindset - ie that OP couldn't have possibly achieved her independence all on her own, so this couple must have played a large role in it?

If we read OP's actual words, rather than make assumptions about the level of the couple's involvement - all that has happened is they were a benevolent presence in her teenage years, & helped her out with a few employment opportunity introductions. "Decades of kindness" sounds as if the couple have been a constant presence in OP's life, a sort of benevolent surrogate auntie & uncle. I don't think that's the case. I think they have just known her a long time, & gave her a few steers when she was much younger. That's not "decades of kindness", that's what well-connected, decent people do as base level humanity.

As to "tread carefully" - don't make me laugh.
How carefully did these DV-Tourists tread, when they broke OP's confidence about her personal & private history? Decided they would use what they perceive as her 'victimhood' to benefit their child? Told their teenager all about it, & imagined that their directionless child had something to teach OP about life? Paid zero attention to whatever 'professional' ethics their daughter ought to be aware of? Gormlessly insisted that OP would "benefit" from their precious child's "therapy", without a care in the world about their total ignorance of trauma-based therapies, & the damage that could be wreaked on OP if she were daft enough to sucuumb to their railroading? Started pestering her daily to be their daughter's guinea pig, at her own cost?
You don't "tread carefully" with entitlement this thick-skinned.

No way should OP contact the daughter direct.
Why should she need to take that upon herself?
She doesn't need to inadvertently signal any credence in the daughter's MLM scheme by pandering to it as if it's a real thing.
I doubt the daughter would be 'mortified'. How would she know any more about anything than her parents do? I imagine they paid for whatever course she went on, & like good little capiltalists now want to see a return on investment. Never mind that it's at OP's expense.

That lunch much have been cringeworthy to sit through.
How would you feel - if an older couple you'd known since your teenage years asked you for a nice social catch up over lunch - & you then found out that what they actually wanted from you was to keep you trapped in the role they cast you in 25 years ago? That they have described you to their teenage child as an abuse victim, who needs to pay the child to get 'better'?
Would you not feel outraged, & betrayed?

"who have known me since my teenage years when I was in foster care who were always quite helpful to me in terms of introductions, finding me job interviews and checking up on me"

Yes, they were kind. Checking in on her and making sure she was ok and trying to help her. Why minimize that? As a person who grew up in rather shit conditions I'd have loved that kind of outside influence.

It is also not outside the realms of possibility that the daughter became aware of the DV in an organic way. My children know my sister gets the shit knocked out of her because we've had to collect her and because her husband isn't allowed in my home. We don't hide it and they aren't stupid. We're not "dv tourists". And neither were these people who have known the OP well before the DV. I doubt they brought it up the day she finished her wellness course.

If the op wants to follow the usual MN advice she could of course tell them to "fuck off to the far side of fuck" and go no contact. But she might just want to be nice to the only people who gave a shit about her.

No way should OP contact the daughter direct.
Why should she need to take that upon herself

Well the op asked that herself (had you read all of her TWO posts.) But maybe you know better than her, maybe you're the condescending one?

@KettrickenSmiled absolutely. I think this is a far more cynical and self-serving move by the parents than SantasGrotty describes, sadly.

The best case scenario is that the parents are unaware of MLM and coaching scams and think they’re supporting their daughter, the worst case scenario is that they know full well it’s a case of recruiting as many people as possible and they’re involved themselves - that’s what the persistent hard sell seems to indicate.

It’s a really good thing that OP is aware and not as vulnerable as these people think she is. Others aren’t so able to repel this kind of thing. I first got interested in MLM when I was working for a MH trust and delivering PND support group therapy. I became aware of the presence of these companies pressurising women to pressure each other into signing up as “sellers” of “products” or services but in reality these companies wanted to blunder women’s social networks for recruits, and the pressure was huge, and so were the financial losses. The vulnerability to recruiting was high - low income families with non flexible jobs guilted by MLM about “not being a proper mummy” if they didn’t sign up and “work their business from their phones”. No one struggling with PND needs equal measures of debt and guilt piled on top of them.

That’s what I think is going on here (recruitment) and if that’s the case the daughter won’t be mortified, she’ll be irritated/disappointed that a prospect hasn’t come to fruition. If OP wants to close this down for good then polite appeals won’t be enough I suspect and it might require quite a robust response.

As for coaching, I feel sorry for the legitimate coaches out there who no longer feel they can use the term coach thanks to its MLM connotations. The legitimate ones don’t stray into problems of a clinical nature. CBT has a similar problem because its high profile as a therapeutic approach has spawned all sorts of dodgy online CBT courses that are “accredited” and lots of iffy coaches claiming they use CBT to treat complex problems. How is someone who is struggling and looking for support meant to distinguish between the dodgy and the properly qualified, especially when the hard sell is going to come from the “therapist/coach/wellness guru” most likely to do damage.