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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

216 replies

gerpy · 05/12/2022 16:40

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 05/12/2022 16:47

It sounds like they are doing it to maintain a level of control over you, I would find that level of involvement from my parents overwhelming and oppressive.

sheepdogdelight · 05/12/2022 16:48

Sounds like they feel underappreciated and taken for granted.

I think you need to decide if you want their help (and, if you do, to be very clear exactly what you want) or you just want them to come round and cuddle the baby occasionally. You might also want to set some ground rules about how frequently they visit. I can't see how even the most sicky baby needs their clothes washing every 2 days.

Be grateful they are actually helping. My parents used to visit for several hours and expect to be waiting on hand and foot and then were annoyed that I didn't appreciate their "helpfulness".

TinFoilHatty · 05/12/2022 16:53

They want you to be beholden to them so moving forward, no need to send washing (wtf) or get them to do the bins (wtf) or sort the recyling (wtf) there is no need for them to visit every other day (wtf).

I would think you and your husband quite useless and feeble if you couldn't manage these very very basic things if you were my adult kid - but I wouldn't berate you for the feebleness but roll eyes and probably grumble with my close friends about you and your hopeless husband.

BornIn78 · 05/12/2022 16:53

I can’t even fathom how or why you need help sorting your rubbish and recycling.

Do your own washing and sort your own rubbish and stop letting your parents “insist” they do it.

lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 16:57

I would t have let them start this in the first place. It's invasive and controlling and unless there is a huge backstory, absolutely unnecessary.

lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 16:57

Wouldn't Blush

ivykaty44 · 05/12/2022 16:57

I help my dd1 because I want to help. I don’t make out she is a burden, as she is not. I visit and I muck in, that’s just how our family operates

id stop them doing the laundry and just say you’ve had other relatives says it’s to much for them so it’s going to stop. Do t ask them for anything

BaddogGooddoggy · 05/12/2022 16:59

I wouldn’t treat my DC like this, they sound ridiculous! You don’t need their help - certainly not with those strings attached - so if I were you I’d just back them off and get on with it on your own. You can drive now anyway 😊 Good luck OP

Squeezedsquash · 05/12/2022 16:59

Yes they are using this to control you. Assuming you’ve lived as independent adults for quite some time and have no disabilities? There’s nothing about having a baby that makes you suddenly unable to do domestic stuff. You need to stop this - frankly weird- behaviour and codependency now.

ICanHideButICantRun · 05/12/2022 17:00

I wouldn't want someone taking all the clothes to wash because I wouldn't want to rely on them doing the washing in time for me to use them again.

She isn't being nice and isn't doing you a favour, really. She's using it as a stick to beat you with. I'd just say, "No don't worry, it's done" or "Don't worry, I'll need those things tomorrow" and put her off. It's a shame as it could be a really nice arrangement, but she's spoiling it.

RunLolaRun102 · 05/12/2022 17:01

This sounds like something my parents would do. Just make them stop all the help & if they moan tell them why. They can’t have it both ways.

ProfYaffle · 05/12/2022 17:01

How on earth are they spending hours doing the recycling? Confused

They're either doing more than you realise and feel put upon or they're controlling and inserting themselves into your life. I think you just have to put your foot down, do you own washing and bins and do a bit of your own insisting that they back off.

thistimelastweek · 05/12/2022 17:06

I would thank them for their help. Much appreciated and all that, but we can take it from here.

TomTraubertsBlues · 05/12/2022 17:06

If you don't need their help, and you don't want these comments, then you need to stop using them for help. Simple as that. You can't change their attitude, but you can remove the source of the issue by doing your own washing etc.

shiningstar2 · 05/12/2022 17:06

I think that as you have had a c section this kind of help would have been very useful in the first couple of weeks. But you are,7 weeks post partum now so you should be taking more control. Apart from not driving you and DH should be managing these things between you. I think I would be thanking them for their help so far and starting to do the jobs between you and DH. It was good they took you to register the birth but I wouldn't ask them for other lifts for the future.

TomTraubertsBlues · 05/12/2022 17:07

Also, how much work can recycling be? Surely you just put the recycling bins out like normal? (Assuming you're in the UK)

Blueberrywitch · 05/12/2022 17:07

have you definitely thanked them? Sometimes people get put out and even if they were genuinely being helpful if they sense that you aren’t being grateful then this turns to bitterness and the comments you mention. If the help is good maybe a very adamant over the top “thank you both SO much you’ve been absolutely brilliant and such a treasure these last few weeks!” Tell other family too, “it’s been so helpful that they’ve supported with washing and the bins, they are brilliant!”

just take control of it with them and other relatives and basically take the high road with it all. If you’re sitting there silent and thankless (not saying you are) and then come out with a “but they’re not even doing that much!” Comment you will immediately seem like a teenager.

essentially be gracious to a fault, let them hear you singing their praises to other family. If they’re still making snarky comments after that then just do one last “god we have been soooo lucky to have you but best get on our own two feet now so won’t be needing the help around the house anymore but would love to see you on Saturday for some cuddles” and just snuff it out as I can see how you would be upset and find the whole thing v irritating.

LisaJool · 05/12/2022 17:08

I'd be wondering why you need help washing the clothes of a baby (why is there a load every other day?!) and sorting bins and recycling. Your parents sound as if they are virtue signalling and want you to be a bit more vocal in acknowledging their help. They don't seem that keen to do it either (who would, every other day unless days post birth). Is there a back story with your MH or something that they feel you aren't coping?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 05/12/2022 17:08

BornIn78 · 05/12/2022 16:53

I can’t even fathom how or why you need help sorting your rubbish and recycling.

Do your own washing and sort your own rubbish and stop letting your parents “insist” they do it.

This.

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2022 17:11

Time to stand on your own 2 feet. Don't ask or rely on them, then it can't be cast up.
Stop giving them ammunition by getting them to do things that you should be doing yourself.

sevenbyseven · 05/12/2022 17:11

I would put a stop to the bins and washing right now, and say the odd lift or babysitting instead would be more useful and less of a burden on them.

NerrSnerr · 05/12/2022 17:12

Do your own washing and recycling. Just get on with stuff yourself. If they ask to do things tell them you're fine.

TolkiensFallow · 05/12/2022 17:12

Just tell them no.

You’ll get this a lot. Fast forward to childcare and they’ll “offer” to pic dc up from nursery once a week because they “want to help and want to spend time with dgc” but when you hear it from their mates it you “putting upon them in their retirement” because you “can’t cope”.

take back control, just say thanks for the help but you’re fine now.

DurhamDurham · 05/12/2022 17:12

You need to decline the offers of help, your parents sound like joyless martyrs who offer to help and then go on about it. My mum is a bit like that so I never ask anything of her ever.

Nordix · 05/12/2022 17:14

You are not emotional. They are being ridiculous.

Sorting the recycling take’s what, two minutes? Laundry is what, twenty minutes a day?

Tell them “thanks, we are taking these tasks back over” and leave it at that.

Are they doing any actually helpful tasks to help a new mother (watching baby for a few hours so you can sleep, cooking meals, etc?). Maybe they are being performative to their friends/wider family to make it seem
like they are doing loads.

Having your laundry done is NOT worth the agg. Please put the boundary up with them now. You don’t need your own mum snapping at you when you’re an emotional new mum.