If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

[gerpy]

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

My mum, a narcissist, would do this. Its to make themselves feel useful but due to all that ingrained self-hatred they can't help but feel put upon and unappreciated so they start sniping at you.

Be firm about what help you want and use their words back "I can see you're run off your feet and we don't want to be too demanding so no need to take on the extra chores." If you really do need a lift then "We do very much need the lifts so if it's not too much for you we'll let you know if we need a lift." If they insist you insist back "No, you're too kind, I insist we do it ourselves, I feel too guilty asking you, we have to learn to do it ourselves". Just kill them with kindness back and don't let them do the thing. Or let them think they're doing you a favour "You're so kind but I've realised that I'm not ready to let go of his washing and I really want to do it myself as part of having my first child, maybe when he's older" (I mean it's batshit but you don't have to make sense, just be insistent and win the being so kind game).

It's not that OP and partner are feeble and incapable! Having a newborn is a massive life changer and you are hormonal and sleep deprived. A little kindness and practical help goes a long way. It's a time where family rallies round Fgs!

Tell them you don't want there help 🤷‍♀️
It's not that hard to sort your recycling and stick washing in a machine

It IS hard for some people even if you might find it a breeze.
Family support is so important. Why do so many families say they have absolutely no one?

This would really annoy me.

I would put a stop to any help unless you are desperate.

This.

You’ll have to be quite insistent /assertive by the sounds of it. They have labelled you as not coping and if this is a dynamic that stems from your childhood/teen/young adult years it will need a bit of pushback to get them to accept your independence.

Congratulations on your baby 💐

No it wouldn't be a big ask in our family,we became Grandparents for the first time just over 3 years ago and we have done everything and anything we can do to help our DD and DGrandson (we are absolutely smitten he is such a lovely little boy and absolutely gorgeous and our DD is an amazing Mummy to him)and we're happy to do anything we can that will help out and we would never throw it back in our daughter's face that would be really cruel,your parents have been really unfair to you,they should help because they want to, not because they they plan on using it against you.

I don't know how much difference it makes but did your parents get much help from your Grandparents when you were growing up?and if they did I'd wonder if it's kind of learnt behaviour from Grandparents towards your parents not that that's any kind of excuse!

I didn't get hardly any help from my parents yet my Grandparents (especially my maternal Grandmother) helped my parents out loads and I can still remember having the most amazing relationship with my grandparents and that my parents were very grateful and my grandparents never went on at my parents about helping out because you don't,you do these things because it's your family and you love them.

They’re suffering from martyr syndrome. Just do the stuff yourself xx

This is the price you pay for their ’help’. It’s time to level the imbalance in the dynamic you have with your parents.

Their level of involvement and subsequent harping, suggests control issues which you need to distance yourself from. Their behaviour goes beyond ‘support’ and your mother definitely shouldn’t be relied upon for childcare.

OP you are a parent now, the time for your parents actively parenting you is over. Time to forge your own path.

It's easy. Just do your own washing and bins and don't ask them for anything in future. If they offer, politely turn them down.

Put the washing machine on before they get there. When DM asks “Where’s the washing?” You can let her know it’s doing now.

I don’t understand why your dad needs to sort out the recycling. Don’t you recycle as you’re going? I’m sure your DP can put the bins out before DF gets there.

Some days let DP know not to call today as you will be out. You just need to reassure them you are managing fine and don’t need constant help.

You and your partner need to do your own household chores.

They felt obliged to offer help but didn’t want/expect to be taken up on it.

Your parents can help at a later date by watching the child while you have a nap or relax.

Have you maybe let it go on too long? I could drive after 7 weeks and I certainly could do the laundry, I’m not really understanding why you and your husband need your recycling done or your laundry done. First couple of weeks it’s lovely but not two months later,

maybe they feel you expect it now and are taking the piss?

You’ve twisted what I’ve said. I said we don’t have any help from anyone, because we don’t. Not that we ‘have absolutely no one’. My parents are dead, his parents live over 6 hours drive away. No local family or friends, our choice of course to live where we do. I didn’t say I found it a breeze either thanks, just that it’s not that hard. Different meaning.
My comment was meant to be more ‘you can do this, you’ll survive without your mum taking some washing and your dad sorting the recycling’, not ‘pffft I found it easy’, but I guess if that’s how you interpreted it, I should have been clearer.

You really need to take control back, if you ever had it at all. You're not a child anymore, lay down the law with your parents because they will only continue to use their "helping" as a stick to beat you with. From now on, take care of your own household.

Whether it’s a big ask or not will vary a lot from one person to the next. I can’t see my parents stepping in that way. I would t be able to do it due to my health BUT I’d be delighted to help if I could.

HOWEVER, the issue here isn’t whether it’s a big ask or not. It’s the fact they are doing something you didn’t ask for.

Time to set boundaries.

Next time they come, have all the baby stuff washed or in the washing machine and tell your mum you are ok doing it (with the rest if the washing).
Tell them you are ok with the bins etc… your DH is sorting it out the day before.
Tell them you’ll ask them if you feel you need some support but you dint want to take advantage and it’s clearly a big ask for them to do all that (doesn’t matter if it is or not. But that’s what they say so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️)

And yes I’d avoid asking them to do some childcare in a regular basis.

Out of interest, how were they before your dc was born?

Why would the OP be taking the piss when

• she has NEVER asked her parents to do that
• she actually told her mum she wanted to do the baby’s washing and her mum refused and said she would carry on??

You and your dh need to just be an adult and do your own washing and bin sorting.

Those saying it only takes 2 minutes to sort out recycling can’t live in Scotland! You need a degree to work it out and a trip to a bottle bank (I love you Scotland really 💙😀)

Take back control, I like the poster’s suggestion with a note and a gift thanking them for helping post surgery and that’s can now rest from the recycling and washing, the perfect level of being passive aggressive and thank for!

One thing I learned after having DS1 young and having to heavily rely on my parents, was that it’s far easier to have a level of distance (physical and emotional) between you when you have kids. I eventually moved 250 miles away when DS1 was 7, and had 2 more DC. My mum still had a huge amount of control via DS, she phoned him every single day for a number of years, he told her every detail of our life including any arguments. It was not easy. But she’s not been able to do the same with my second DS and DD as they only see her at half terms and aren’t close. She doesn’t do anything for me now so no control over me. I’m glad, I was happy to pay for a nursery and not go out rather than have that again.

I’d just say at 8wks post birth thanks for all your help, we are back on track now and can handle things and maybe get a small gift for them to signify the end. Then keep some distance

Sorry, but this is really weird. I can't imagine parents coming over multiple times a week for more than 7 weeks to do basic tasks like laundry and sorting the recycling!!! Just tell them no.

On the other hand, a lift to register the birth while you are still recovering from your c-section seems like a reasonable request.

She insists on helping you and then calls you demanding?! What’s she playing at?
Definitely time to politely turn down her future “insisting”, though she does sound like the type to then whinge behind your back that you’re ungrateful!

My ex husband volunteers to do stuff for other people, but he always has the need to tell all and sundry what he’s done, how much time it took, how difficult it was, (obviously not to the person who he did a favour for).

He does stuff for our adult child, but then I’ll hear him say ‘she owes us because …………. ‘ He’s a do as I say, not a do as I do sort of person. His perception of him self is of a nicer person than he actually is.

Perhaps your parents fall into this category?

I think it's alot, how many hours is that a week? You don't seem particularly grateful so maybe that's why they are acting like that? Or maybe they are doing it to control you? If you don't like it, it's easy to just say thank you for the help but you don't need it anymore