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Original poster

If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

216 replies

gerpy · 05/12/2022 16:40

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

OP posts:

Namechangeforthis88 · 05/12/2022 21:30

But back on topic, how irritating! Good luck with politely declining unnecessary help. You'd think they'd come round to hold baby while you nap/have a bath or whatever.

GreenManalishi · 05/12/2022 21:30

Help isn't something you force upon people, that's not help, it's control.

-We are coming to take the washing and do the bins at 12.

-Ah no thanks mum, we have got that all covered, I'll be round to yours in the week for a cuppa. See you soon!

Do your own washing, recycyle your own rubbish. Boundaries are your friend.

saraclara · 05/12/2022 21:45

HeddaGarbled · 05/12/2022 17:15

The laundry and bins are unusual jobs to take on. Driving you somewhere, coming round and making you a sandwich/cup of tea, holding the baby while you have a shower are more normal ways that parents help out.

I’d put a stop to it. Sounds like you’ll need to be assertive though. Don’t let them rile you up, just keep calmly repeating “Thank you but we’ve decided to do this ourselves now.”

I don't think that doing the laundry is an unusual job to take on. I offered the same to my DD when each of her babies was born.

Bearing in mind that MN told me that I should leave the 'little family' alone and not get in their way, doing the family laundry for them seemed to be something I could do to help without bothering them. I have a tumble dryer (they haven't, so it's more of a chore for them) and I could just pick up the stuff at their front door, and deliver it back clean and ironed and take one job out of their way without being intrusive.

Also when I had my second baby (and no family within two hours of me) my next door neighbour had her first in the same week. While wrangling a toddler and newborn with my DH back at work, I'd see her mum knock at her door with an armful of clean and pressed laundry, and feel SO envious! So it was the first thing I thought of to help my DD when she became a mum!

saraclara · 05/12/2022 21:46

Namechangeforthis88 · 05/12/2022 21:30

But back on topic, how irritating! Good luck with politely declining unnecessary help. You'd think they'd come round to hold baby while you nap/have a bath or whatever.

But...but...just as I said in my last post, the MN rule is that grandparents stay out of the way for about a month and leave the little family alone! Where does coming round to hold the baby fit in with that?!!!

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 05/12/2022 21:49

Don't let them do anything for you and then they can't beat you with the stick you just gave them. Honestly. They sound selfish and mean and self absorbed and all those other expletives......... too many to mention

jtaeapa · 05/12/2022 21:50

Tell them to leave your washing and bins alone.

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 21:50

You don't sound appreciative. The point isn't that you couldn't do them if you really had to, it's that they are spending their own time on helping you when they could be doing whatever (and that includes doing nothing, it's their own time however they spend it) and it sounds all they want is for you to either say no thank you or if you decide to accept to be nice and grateful about it. You seem to take them for granted. Plenty of parents would love a mum and dad as helpful as yours.

ehb102 · 05/12/2022 21:54

It's called.loansharking. give you something you didn't really need and extract an unreasonably high price for it later

WakingUpDistress · 06/12/2022 09:28

HandsomeDaughter · 05/12/2022 21:50

But helping isn’t ding something that you want to do for someone regardless of whether they need or what.
Its doing someth8ng fir them that they need or want.

If you are coming to cook for me as a help but haven’t asked me first, know about my food sensitivities etc… then whatever you are cooking isn’t going to help. It will be hindrance.

Same here. Her mum has decided to help by washing the clothes but it’s a hindrance because the OP doesn’t have the clothes at home with her to dress her child….

And that isn’t helping. That’s making yourself feel good about yourself.

mindutopia · 06/12/2022 11:26

I have a parent like this. Except it's not with chores, it's with money. It's a control tactic. You don't need help with clothes washing or the bins. You just chuck a load of washing in every other day when you can put the baby down in the bouncer for 2 minutes. Your DP can sort the bins on the weekend or you can while he has some quality time. We do our bins every Wednesday at 9pm after dc are all in bed. But you are allowing them to help, which means they get the privilege of telling everyone you can't cope without them.

My mum is like this (well, was, we are NC now). She would just randomly send me money. I'm not talking like £20. I'm talking like £2000. She is very well off. We didn't need money, but she has more than she knows what to do with (she also does this to her own friends...and oddly, she started doing it to random friends of mine who she only met a couple times). It made me feel uncomfortable, but when I was younger and dh and I were just starting out or when I was on mat leave with my oldest, I thought, oh well, that's very kind of her, and I didn't want to cause a situation, so we just put it in savings and used it for things like when we had a big nursery bill to pay or for a holiday.

And then something very serious happened and we had to go NC with her and her partner to keep our dc safe (related to sexual abuse of another child in the family, not mine). In the years since, she's created a very convenient story about how they used to financially support us, but when they stopped, we cut her off and refused to allow her contact with her grandchildren. I've had friends of hers who don't even know me get in touch to tell me how awful I am for stealing her money and refusing to let her see her grandkids, and how she's tried to 'help' me but I've been abusive to her and she had to cut me off. 🙄They were quite shocked when I told them the real reason and directed them to where online they could read about her partner being convicted of sexually abusing his daughters. But because she has actual evidence of having sent me money over the years, her story makes a lot of sense to people who don't want to believe that what actually happened ever could have.

Obviously, this is not the same, but do watch yourself if you don't feel like you can trust them to be honest about your relationship if an alternative story makes them look good to everyone else.

Appleblum · 06/12/2022 12:39

When I had my 2 babies we were living overseas at that time and my parents flew out both times to help me out. For 2 months they prepared all our meals, helped out generally around the house, and offered me so much support with the babies. They never asked for anything back and were so happy that we agreed to accommodate them for 2 months so they could spend the time with their first grandchildren.

I felt very down for a period of time when they left.

So no, what your parents are doing isn't normal.

ItsaMetalBand · 06/12/2022 16:25

ehb102 · 05/12/2022 21:54

It's called.loansharking. give you something you didn't really need and extract an unreasonably high price for it later

It's great to have a name for it. Loansharking.

I've a relative who does it with her daughters. She insists on this kind of helping when they don't want or need it, all to portray herself as a martyr who's daughters are useless and ungrateful for all that she does for them. And to my shame, I believed her for far too long than I care to admit. Then I saw her in action, she's impossible to say no to so I understand why they couldn't for so long.

Ponderingwindow · 06/12/2022 16:37

Those are odd things to help with.

if your recycling needs sorting, just get sorting bins and sort as you go along. It’s a waste of time to do it after the fact.

your mother offering to do the laundry isn’t working out. Just take the task back.

SezFrankly · 07/12/2022 08:24

bloodywhitecat · 05/12/2022 16:47

It sounds like they are doing it to maintain a level of control over you, I would find that level of involvement from my parents overwhelming and oppressive.

This

user14728311998 · 07/12/2022 08:33

No, this isn't normal to be making these comments. The whole thing is actually bizarre. Seems they have picked two relatively easy tasks so they can make out they are helping a lot more than they are.
In contrast, my parents do none of my housework! But they are round every day to actually be helpful in holding, entertaining, feeding and changing my baby so I have a bit of free time to do my own jobs. Of course if I needed help with housework then I would only have to ask, but they would never just assign themselves tasks. They also never comment on how much they help out because they do not see it as 'helping' when it's their own grandchildren.

H007 · 07/12/2022 08:36

This is a really simple one if you don’t need it want their help, say your good and that you have got this. Or if you do want or need their help then make sure they feel appreciated. I imagine the comments come from a place of not feeling appreciated or taken for granted.

Joeylove88 · 07/12/2022 08:45

It seems they wanted to be able to brag to people how much you need their help. If they can't just offer to help without turning it against you then definitely just thank them but make it clear their help is no longer needed.

Sally090807 · 07/12/2022 08:50

lookersnoopy · 05/12/2022 16:57

I would t have let them start this in the first place. It's invasive and controlling and unless there is a huge backstory, absolutely unnecessary.

What you might think as invasive and controlling some might see as helpful and kind.
When my son was born I would of been delighted to of had any kind of help.

ScrambledOrPoached · 07/12/2022 08:53

I can’t get past the fact your dad is spending hours sorting your rubbish. Do you live at a tip?!

Kamd21 · 07/12/2022 08:54

It sounds very toxic. Its what I call love bombing! My mum use to offer stuff then later use it against me and call me ungrateful so I stopped taking stuff or when she would offer to do something I'd avoid it. Don't take their help if they're going to do this because its more stress than you need with having a new baby.

Speedywallpaper · 07/12/2022 08:57

I have adult children. Your parents are being controlling, any help they give should be unconditional.

I haven't read all the thread - why doesn't your partner drive? That's going to put more of a burden on you as your DC (and parents) get older.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 07/12/2022 08:58

They sound very controlling. Unless there's something you've not mentioned, is there a reason why they think you can't wash the clothes or sort your bins out?
I would just say no thanks next time they ask to help.

Bigmumma84 · 07/12/2022 08:59

Buy them a present to say thank you for all their help (bottle of wine, flowers, whatever they will like) maybe a post on social media saying how wonderful they are and have really helped you through the tough early days of having a new baby....

And then make sure everything is done before they arrive next (washing in the machine, rubbish and recycling out)

Lalliella · 07/12/2022 08:59

No no no! My mum used to want to do stuff for us and I would always take it like she was telling me I wasn’t doing it well enough. Plus it wasn’t always helpful like she nearly ruined Christmas dinner and she put some washing in a dusty place in the airing cupboard. So I banned her from helping! I love her to bits but I found it slightly condescending.

Just tell them thanks for what they’ve done so far but you’ll take it from here as you’re feeling much more capable now baby is a bit older.

sussexman · 07/12/2022 08:59

If you had asked then yes I'd think that was really rather cheeky. But you haven't. An inconvenience is on them surely.

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