If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

[gerpy]

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

Just tell them you will be doing the washing and bins(???!) From now on. These are ridiculous jobs to be helping with.

Get out to baby groups and make some friends. I still have baby group friends from ds1 (12). Don't be in all the time seeing your DPs. Once or twice a week is fine. Excessive in my book but you have a different dynamic.

I'd be very careful about letting then do nursery pick ups. When it comes up just say you really don't want to be a burden or for them to think you can't cope. Insust on independence and a new dynamic will develop.

My mum gave us a lot of help but went down the same track of trying to use it to control us. I finally snapped and told her to give us help because she watered to do it, not because she thought she could then dictate to us on other stuff. She stopped trying to manipulate me but carried on bitching about me behind my back.

If I had a pound for every time she said "you'd think that after all I do for you...." I'd be very comfortable now.

I think your parents are trying to control you via “helping” you. They are not helping you and you are more that’s capable of doing your own washing etc so please put a stop to this now. This type of controlling behaviour can intensify as the child gets older in ways such as them expecting more and more time with your dc to the point they see them more than you, you being made to feel you can’t cope without there “help”, them offering to give you a break overnight from your dc which turns into multiple nights etc. OP put your foot down now,

But @Climbles surely a small amount of conflict is way healthier than a lifetime of seething, unexpressed resentment? People talk about conflict & 'confrontation' as if it's the end of the world. It really isn't - it's an unfortunate but necessary part of human existence.

Also - once you start risking a tiny sliver of 'conflict', each time you do it, it gets easier, & the people who are causing you grief start getting your message - that you are not going to tolerate pisstaking/passive aggression/martyrdom etc.

What's the worst that could happen, if next time your DP suggested an inconvenient tea time visit for your DC, you just said no?
Then when they ask why - tell them straight?
"It's meant to be fun for you & the kids, but every time we allow it, you moan about how tiring it is & how difficult you find the kids. So let's leave it until you feel rested enough to cope."
Then swiftly change the subject - job done.

The job only remains undone btw if you allow them to continue controlling the narrative, or let them bleat on & on about your decision. Hence the subject change. If they keep bleating - "not discussing this now, gotta run, bye".

They can only pull your rope if you continue holding your end of it.
Drop the rope.

These sorts of ‘favours‘ are not worth the price you pay for them.

Low/no contact is best for people like this and take nothing from them, ever.

My mother in law only came on her own terms, usually to make herself look good to her friends. Her "help" usually being far from helpful!

My parents did this relentlessly.

It went on for years until I finally realised I didn't need or want them in my life at all.

Much happier now.

I think it can be controlling too.

My mother would come to "help" when my babies were tiny.
She would lift the baby from the crib ( where it was sleeping happily) and sit with the baby sleeping for hours- while snapping demands for tea, sandwich, phone, magazine
I don't grudge grandmothers a cuddle, but she would then complain that she was exhausted having been over to help me with the baby.
My babies were good sleepers and would easily have a 3 hour nap in their moses basket.
My mother added to my burdens.

You need to stop sending washing over and sort your own bins out. I don’t really understand why you let them do this in the first place - what does sorting the bins out actually mean?! The lift thing is fine if they offered and you can’t drive - in this case, I’d be pulling them up on this. If you go on to have a second child, you have to do all these things and carry on looking after your child and new baby 😉

Did they behave like this before the baby came? With you or others?

Are they keen to be able to tell their friends how much you're relying on them? How much they help? Either way, there's no need for them to bitch about it all. They sounds really joyless.

Take back these 'chores' and don't ask them for anything else. I'd grab a cab rather than have a lift added to their list of things I should be endlessly grateful for.

And your instincts about any childcare are wise - it sounds like it could end up as another big emotional transaction.

I took my dad on holiday to Spain a few years ago. My mum had died a year before and I thought it would be a nice thing to do, even though we've had our issues throughout my life I thought this might be an opportunity to move past it all.

I was paying for him completely so didn't need any money from him, just told him to bring some for souvenirs and stuff. He insisted and insisted until he was blue in the face that the least he could do was pay a small portion of the deposit and if we didn't let him he'd be offended. So we let him.

A few months ago my brother casually mentioned how lovely it was of our dad to pay for most of the holiday we went on 🙃

Lesson learnt! With some people, there's nothing sweeter than inventing your own martyrdom. Step away OP.

It seems your parents’ behaviour is all about them, and not you. The fact they complain to you is martyr behaviour - they offered! Continuing to allow this behaviour from them is just a way for them to consolidate their belief that you ‘cannot cope’ without constant support from them.

This was my mother, it only got worse once I had children. However there were warning signs, I should have put a stop to her ‘helping’ that was rarely helpful. The day she told me I just ‘wasn’t capable of anything’ I should have drawn a line in the sand. Well I was capable enough to have a good job and a salary which paid for a relatively large mortgage…
When your parents come round in future make sure the washing is on. .., the recycling is done etc. They should soon get the message.

Yes.. my mother will come round and look for something to be patronising/critical about. She won’t notice anything nice or anything positive. Just a lack of something or some way I am not measuring up. Some parents need to feel superior.

At first I said my parents aren't like this, but actually my mum has been like it once or twice.

When DC1 was born she started giving us money from time to time to "help with the baby's expenses". We hadn't asked for money or given her any reason to believe we were hard up, and at first I thanked her but said she really didn't have to, please don't feel obliged, we're not especially hard up etc., but she insisted heavily and just started transferring amounts straight into our account every so often (in the region of £200-£300 every 2-3 months). She kept asking us what we'd spent the money on, asking if we needed more, giving the impression that she thought we really relied on it... Truth was we barely touched the money for the first 18 months as we were given so many hand-me-downs we barely needed to buy anything. But then my mum started making snarky and passive-aggressive enquiries and comments as to how much my dad was "contributing [to our finances]" ... making it very clear that she thought that her giving us money bound my dad into a similar obligation that he was clearly failing in (they've been divorced for 30 years, he had no idea about this money. He had actually asked us if we needed anything for the baby, it's just that unlike my mum, he took no for an answer). So whilst I don't doubt for one second that my mum does genuinely want to help us out with this money, she also clearly enjoys feeling superior to my dad so she can tell everyone else how useless he is because "he doesn't do anything for the baby, while I've been giving them hundreds".

For all those saying you don't sort recycling and it takes only minutes to have 3 bins in the kitchen etc. In rural Ireland most people take their recycling to the waste transfer station themselves. So we have to separate hard plastics, plastic bottles, cans, aluminium cans, paper, glass, cardboard, batteries, electronic goods, books, anything of use that is intact that goes to a shed for general pick up by anybody, anything that has the recycling levy on it like tablets or televisions, wood is separate, white goods are separate, sheet glass separate to bottles. We do not have bins for each but three bins that are then sorted before we take it all to the centre in separate bags. We have no collection but can be requested by the council to prove we took our waste to the centre with receipts.
So sorting recycling can be a significant job. I suspect this is what OP dad is doing.

From my own experience this is narcissistic controlling behaviour from your parents.

I’ve had similar issues with mine. Offended when I did something for myself, then when I took the help they demanded to give me it was “oh we’ve done this for you, you shouldn’t do that etc”.

Think to yourself, have they always been controlling? Do you have other siblings they try to control (not read thread yet).

You’ve got to start standing up for yourself. Remind them they offered. They should stop bad-mouthing you. They can
come and visit but do nothing because you can do your child’s washing and sort your own bins.