If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

[gerpy]

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

@WeepingSomnambulist pretty thoughtless post. So OP ‘just gets on with’ the washing. Great. Her mum comes round and sees it on the clothes maiden drying. She says ‘why have you done the washing, ive come round for it to do it for you’ and thus ensues a fall out, or tears, or cold shoulders, because it’s mums job not OP’s and mum thinks OP is basically saying she doesn’t want mum involved by taking back control of this job. You might think this sounds daft but this is what happens all the time in families especially when a new baby comes. People clamour to be helpful so they can SAY they’re helpful and retain an element of involvement. If OP’s mum doesn’t need to come round to pick up and drop off the washing , then she Will be thinking she has no real reason to just call round and will be then at OP’s mercy waiting for an invite - this will not do for her, so she continues to offer help to retain her level of involvement

"One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here"

Did everyone miss this??

They are being annoying, but perhaps you are taking it to heart more than you might have been affected by their annoying behaviour previously? I don't know you, obviously, so it's only a guess, but I remember being totally knackered so soon after a Caesarean, with a tiny baby.

If you were feeling evil, you could start telling members of your family that your parents are so desperate to get involved that you've had to let them do your washing to give them a role to play. Or maybe say that you're sorry to hear they are exhausted from doing the washing and the bins: you forget they are getting older and find those little things so tiring.

Or just say "Thanks so much for the help, now I've recovered enough from the major surgery to take over again myself".

Miss what? That OP wanted to plan her day and needed to know what time her mum would be round?

Is your Mother doing the washing by hand? Surely the washing machine does the washing. Of course it's tedious getting it out after it's finished to put them to dry and then to put it away but why does she come around to do it every other day? Does your baby make that much of a mess of are you using reusable nappies?

Sorting recycling, another tedious job, doesn't take hours either.

Your parents are bonkers with no purpose in life except to make yours more difficult.

They spend 'hours' sorting out your bins and doing your baby's washing?

How does that work?

Does rubbish and recycling needs sorting? I just put it in the relevant bins when necessary, takes all of half a second.

And unless your mother is washing your baby's clothes in angel dust and spreading them on clouds to dry, how long does it take her to pop the clothes in the washing machine?

They are being utter ridiculous and frankly so are you.

Stop letting them do these insignificant tasks and do them yourselves.

I'm the parent of adult children and when my daughter had her babies there were several ways I would help when needed, help with sorting rubbish and doing washing wasn't needed nor asked for.

And as far as the lift to go to register the baby? If that was a problem for them it might have been easier to get a cab.

They sound incredibly hard work. Stop letting them 'help'.

Apologise, buy them some thank-you flowers and get on with it yourself. They’ll come running back to see that baby. Push them away gently. They’re not doing it consciously & soon they won’t be doing it at all. If your mum offers to do laundry in future, just say no, it’s too much for you know I know how tired it made you & put it on before she comes over. Go with it

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@Badger1970 I don’t see what’s so wrong with OP texting to ask when her mum would be round with the washing. If she took the washing and said ‘I’ll bring it back Wednesday’, it gets to Wednesday you’ve waited around for her to bring it back and it gets to 7pm or whatever so you text to see if she’s coming. How is that so bad? Or is OP supposed to just wait in all the time for when her mum decides she can bring it ? This is what makes ‘help’ like this a massive chore and actually not help at all. You end up seeming totally ungrateful if you even mention when it might be done or if you can go out in case the washing is returned when you’re out or whatever. Reminds me of when my mum was ill with a flare up of MS when I was little. My gran (dads mum) offered ‘whatever I can do to help just ask!’ So dad asked his mum to do some washing. She took it, left a red PE top in and all the whites went pink. All the school shirts etc. So it took more work going and buying Vanish and stuff to try and get them white again. My dad said ‘bloody hell mum it’s all pink’ and she said ‘well at least I did the washing for you, I didn’t have to you know!’ Thus making my dad look like an ungrateful arse !

You're talking to me like I'm not a parent.

I'm a single parent to 2 kids. I've been a single parent since they were 2 years old and 6 weeks old.

I didnt need my mummy doing my washing and my daddy to sort my bins. Because I'm not a child. Having boundaries is part of being a parent. You really do need to grow up and be an adult when you're someone's parent.

Doesnt actually matter one jot if her parents are annoyed that they cant do the washing. The OP isnt enjoying things the way they are. The solution is "do it yourself."
Invite parents over for dinner, go out for lunch or do something. But just have the washing and bins done and say you're glad it's all done so you can all just sit down for a chat. Or ask for what you actually want, "The washing is all done but it would be great if you could take baby a walk in the pram so I can have a bath."

She needs to have boundaries. If her parents throw a tantrum then that's on them. She is an adult. She doesnt need their help. If they have a tantrum then they can just stay away until they calm down.

People are so co-dependent. Just grow up.

I agree with pps who are saying it's a control thing. What would make me uncomfortable is that they seem to be engineering your reliance on them for regular tasks. That's very different from seeing your daughter is overwhelmed/stressed/tired and just offering to take a basket of washing home or run the hoover round as a one-off thing when needed.

I'd also find it very intrusive to let anyone else sort my rubbish, especially if they've been in anyway judgemental of me in the past. Who knows if that empty bottle or shop packaging could be used against you.

It's fine if they expected nothing in return and were just glad to help, but if it means you're then involved in this psychological game where they can cast you as needy or reliant and themselves as the selfless put-upon grandparents, then I think you need to put a stop to it now and not accept regular help in future.

It's hard to talk to people who behave like this - they might get angry, defensive, maybe they don't even recognise that their 'help' is actually manipulative. Only you can judge whether it's worth trying to explain, or just to set firm boundaries and stick to them without getting into a conversation about it.

One million times this

@WeepingSomnambulist I’m also a parent of young kids who doesn’t live near family I do everything myself too. If I deign to ask MIL it’s a massive thing as I said in my other posts so I’ve done exactly what you say OP should do and set great boundaries. I’ve also been talked about behind my back for not ‘allowing’ MIL to be involved and accused of keeping her away. I was told ‘you go to too many baby groups with this new baby you’re never around’. I go to two a week…

I totally agree with you OP should set boundaries and do what you suggest. Absolutely agree. But not everyone has the assertiveness or confidence to do this. Having a baby doesn’t make you suddenly super confident and able to stand up for yourself especially when there’s weird power dynamics you’ve grown up with. When I had my first I lay awake at night one night literally for hours stressing over what I was going to say to SIL about her coming to visit with her dog. I didn’t want her to bring her dog to see my 4 day old baby, as it made me nervous. But I knew it would be seen as an offense to say so. So i agonised over it, I was so worried about offending because I wasn’t confident. Now I’d be like ‘hi sorry we’re not free until Feb 2023 also we have new carpets upstairs so no four legged friends for now ☺️☺️☺️‘ because I don’t care as much anymore 🤣

If you don’t want their help then you need to say. Not nastily but ‘oh we are out tomorrow so won’t be in! See you Thursday instead’ and slowly cut them back from the chores. Also maybe you could suggest other things like taking baby for a walk in the pram rather than doing the chores. Are they very worried you won’t include them or where is this behaviour coming from? Maybe they are worried about your partner not driving? My parents would be about that unless we lived in central London or something. Do they think your partner is capable of managing etc? Maybe they are worrying. The washing and recycling is helpful I suppose but an odd choice of chore to pick out. Xx

‘Don’t worry about the laundry, we’ve already done itk
’I did the bins last night’

etc. etc. Go and do it so they have nothing to complain about.

They are doing it to retain control over you. Don't let them wash your clothes , it's not done out of kindness but to keep you dependent.

I wouldn't say your situation is that uncommon. There seems to be a significant portion of people who offer to help out and then spend ages telling everyone how much they go out of the way to help and what a burden it is.
The only way to stop it us to refuse all offers of help. Of course you will then probably get the 'she never lets us help out' speach. Even with our grandchild. Always thinks she can do everything herself. Always did since she was a little girl. But that's probably better than the alternative.

It’s about control and attention. My in-laws did it.

When we politely declined offers for help, cried and said we didn’t love them.
Accepted offers for help on their terms, later said they were too old for this.
Began doing stuff for ourselves again, they found out, cried and said we didn’t love them…

I went very low contact with them.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

This basically -articulated better than l could! They are super easy tasks and not that crucial in the grand scheme of things

I can’t stand people playing the martyr. Take back control and say all “their” random tasks are done. The flying monkeys need to butt out and realise they are being used as flying monkeys

This is a brilliant suggestion!

Draws a line under it; thanks them; reminds them and anyone else who sees it that you were recovering from major abdominal surgery. You were never not coping with your baby, just gratefully accepting help post-op.

She sounds like a bit of martyr, I wonder if every one of their friends has been invited round for coffee this past 7 weeks to see her surrounded by tiny items drying on racks 😂

Agree, sounds like a control and attention thing. OP didn't ask for help with these jobs - THEY insisted. And now they're making a big song and dance of it.

OP, you need to take back control. Send your parents a case of wine / hamper / flowers with a gently worded note: "Thank you for doing the washing and recycling these last few weeks. We are absolutely fine to do these jobs ourselves now, so no need for you to come around to do them. Of course you're welcome to come and have cuddles with baby anytime."

I agree with posters saying is about control, not help. Do your own washing and house chores when you can, if the washing ends up in piles, don't give it a thought. We've all been there.

Say thanks but no thanks next time they want to help. You'll be happier and freer when you do your own thing, even if it's messier.

I'd go round there to collect the last lot washing. Take some flowers/chocs/alcohol/whatever with you and a thank you card. Say that you're very grateful for all their help but have got to grips with things now so will no longer be needing it.

Good advice!

And then apart from emergency life threatening situations do not ask for any more help - run your own lives and don't rely on them. Their help is conditional and they will expect almost certainly to be 'paid back' in some way.

We didn't have much help and we were fine, it is better to be independent.

My parents did this too when I had DC about 10 years ago. Now I can see it was their last gasp of busily parenting me (and luxuriating in their martyrdom) before they got too old. Before you know it the shoe will be on the other foot. You will be doing their bins and getting in a huff about it!
Parenting goes through many stages and it’s really hard for everyone to let go of each stage as it evolves in to something new. Your folks are subconsciously facing becoming redundant.
sorry no practical advice - all I can say is I too was cross with mine too for babying me and DH when we were new parents but at the same time I did feel vulnerable and a bit helpless.
This funny time will pass.
Congrats on your lovely baby!