If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

[gerpy]

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

If they only do the baby's washing, it's not that much help to you anyway, is it? You still have to do your own, and it's not as if you need to iron baby stuff or anything.

I think it's time to tell them you've very grateful for their help so far, but you're OK now and can manage without help. It may be a bit of a pain till they get the message, but make sure the recycling is sorted from day 1 and you're on top of the washing so there is literally no point in them insisting because everything is done.

Great advice

Do you have a ‘speak your mind’ sort of relationship? Can you say ‘Mum, it’s really upsetting me hearing you and Dad sound so put upon about doing the washing and the bins when you offered. I think maybe we should take those jobs back again now that we’re over the first shock of the baby!’

Why does your partner not drive?

This will be a major thing when it comes to nursery/work drops off etc.

Why are you blaming your parents?

Take back control op. Next time they come over with the clean washing/bins etc. or come to collect it, thank them for doing it “but it’s fine from now on mum, we can manage. We can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for us, we really do appreciate it.” Said with a big smile and a positive attitude.

Take back control. Unless there's something you haven't mentioned then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to cope.

Don't make a bug confrontation about it. Just do it and when they say they're coming to do these things, just say you've done it. (Even if you have hidden it somewhere).

Yeah but it’s more the insisting on doing unnecessary tasks then telling everyone her DD is incapable and ungrateful is the infantilising bit. Not ‘being helpful’!

This happens a LOT. Like other pps have said, it's a way to have a hold over you, feel like they have the upper hand and feel superior. Thankfully my parents aren't like it but so many of my friends' parents are. You need to just refuse their help if they're going to be like that.

Oh also by the way you don't sort your recycling. You get two or three bins in your kitchen (one for each outdoor bin) and put rubbish straight into the correct bin, so then when it's full you just take each bin and empty it straight into the corresponding outdoor bin. Takes about 20 seconds 2 or 3 times a week.

You’re both at fault . Your parents are glory seekers . Very common in that generation and they like to feel needed and important . It’s toxic as fuck to put you down to others to make themselves seem needed and important . Also , I don’t know anyone who allows their parents to do anything at all for them once they hit uni age . I mean going over with the cleaning products on moving day to lend a hand or a lift to an appointment once in a blue moon is fine. Just dont let them do anything for you anymore . Problem solved.

How many bins do you have!!??

Just tell them you are feeling fine now and do not need their help with these things any more.

Plenty of people don't drive at all, especially in cities. Presumably OP's husband already has his travel to work sorted...

Me and my DH have been carless for 8 months now and it hasn't been a bother. We do nursery drop-offs on the bike although we could walk it too.

You’ll get called ungrateful on here and that your parents are saints for helping but there is a particular thing with parents and in laws where you almost fall into a trap of ‘allowing’ them to help as you think that you’re being sort of kind involving them, and it feels nice to have them want to help you when you’ve just been through birth etc, but it backfires because they then act like they’re indispensable. My MIL has form for it - when newest dd was born, she wanted to come round every day the week DP went back to work but I had pre -planned that I was seeing a friend one day, my sister another, a baby class the other, and then I said how about the free day I have you come round for coffee etc. She said when she came ‘I was going to come and help you with the baby this week and take her out for you but (my DP) said you were sorted’ and I could tell she was put out because her friend has a grandchild a similar age who she has for entire days at a time to help her DIL. My baby was 10 days out though and EBF and fed about every 20 mins! I felt awful and had her round the next week with a ‘job’ for her, I asked her to sort through all dd’s clothes and put them in bags according to size and then take some and wash them. Well this became a huge under taking for her apparently. She even told a friend who reported to my DP when she saw him that ‘she’d been doing all out washing and it’s a lot for her’. I honestly thought FFS this is why I just get on with things myself !

ive also pulled my mum up on this with my older siblings. She would let herself in to my sisters house, and take washing to do or tidy the kids rooms. She’d be like ‘your sister has really let the washing get on top of her’ - well maybe she has, but she would probably have sorted it at the weekend or even bunged it over for a service wash at the laundrette. She wouldn’t have gone under without you doing it. I saw the psychology behind it really well because my brother’s wife’s mum had a schedule of doing their cleaning and Ironing and my mums nose was put out of joint because she wasn’t asked to do it. So she made jobs for herself with my sister, but then would tip over into the ‘I’m so helpful’ routine - I used to gently rib her about it. But there are ways she genuinely is helpful like being a really fun nana and a great person to have a bottle of wine and a takeaway with. In these regards she IS indispensable! It’s about finding ways you can have family genuinely contribute and you can contribute to them, not having this ‘you’re hopeless and im
keeping it all together ‘ dynamic .

Out of all the jobs I might need help with making sure stuff goes in the right bins is not one of them. Not sure how they can be spending hours doing that? Or why they're even doing it at all.

I know a couple who are exactly like this.

What's going on with them is that the woman wants to be involved with her son's young kids on a daily basis. The man doesn't but grudgingly goes along with it for his wife's sake. He quietly seethes with resentment at everything they 'have to do' for the kids.

This lack of alignment causes arguments between them at home, which they both then take out on their son and his wife.

Could something similar be going on here? It might be that it's not actually about you at all. Your mum is upset with your dad about something (or vice versa) and through a series of complex mental gymnastics it's ended up being your fault because sometimes couples lose the ability to communicate.

BornIn78 · 05/12/2022 16:53
I can’t even fathom how or why you need help sorting your rubbish and recycling.

Do your own washing and sort your own rubbish and stop letting your parents “insist” they do“

This. Why can’t you do it yourselves? Also, could one of you take driving lessons, going forward?

@Unicorn717 I have to admit I thought the same, even with a tiny new baby I could pop her in her pram in the yard and take out the bin, and put my bottles/ cardboard in the right bins. You just put them in a bucket in the garage/ yard/ wherever then chuck them in the bin every couple of days. Takes 5 mins tops?! I’ve got the sort of relationship with my parents where I’d say ‘Jesus Christ dad, you’re not spending hours doing our bins come off it! It’s not that hard’ but then again not everyone can talk to their parents like that without them getting extremely shitty

They are helping you ... perfectly normal

If it's too much tell them
Say you are managing much better now and thank them for their help

What's even more annoying is that there are jobs that would help more- like holding the baby for half an hour so you could have a shower or getting some shopping in (although you can shop online). Or just asking 'what can we do to help?' I bet you end up spending time to get the washing and rubbish ready for them 'to do'! you've had good advice on this thread, just take back control of these jobs and say you are coping just fine and that you'd love to see them on the weekend or whenever. It seems they can't help without it being emotionally manipulative so it's not really helpful.

What on earth is "sorting thr recycling"?
Why do you need help with that?

If you act like a child then people will treat you like a child. If you're actually leaving your bins and rubbish for your dad to sort through rather than just doing it yourselves then of course they're going to way you're not coping and treat you like children.

My counsil gives us 3 bins so I have 3 bins in my kitchen. I put the correct stuff into each and whenever they are full, they get emptied into the outside bin. What do you need help with? Are you actually just leaving that for your dad to tidy away?
And the washing? Just do it. What is stopping you from doing the washing? Utterly ridiculous that you just leave it for your mum to collect.

They might be offering, but you're accepting and acting like children by leaving it all for mum and dad.

There are 2 of you. Sort yourselves out.

This is not about you. Some people exist in 'victim' mode. They will consciously or unconsciously manoeuvre themselves into roles where they can be the victim. Don't engage. Stop accepting their help - but do it gently, or this will also become an issue!

@maddy68 the problem is when you say thanks but no thanks, it is seen as a criticism or like you’re asking them not to be involved, and a lot of people get offended at that. It’s the fine line between having parents / ILs involved and them thinking they’re basically keeping your household running . You see it all the time on here, someone will have an issue with their FIL giving their child food they don’t want them to have or something, and they will be told to stop using FIL as child care then, and that they’re super ungrateful. However it normally turns out the FIL or whoever it is, ASKS to have the child and is upset when told no. You can’t win sometimes

'Thank you so much mum and dad for all your wonderful help whilst I was recovering from my C - section. I'm all recovered now so we can manage. I need to get back into my own routine. I don't want you over doing things. See you for tea a week on Sunday. Lots of love blah blah'

In the mean time get DH to organise the recycling well in advance and hide the baby's washing if you haven't done it yet.

That sounds very belittling OP, and not what you need as you're learning to become a parent yourself, what a knock to your confidence. I think I'd probably confront them about it now rather than let it become established - if it goes south you can always blame it as a postpartum overreaction.

How is your DM washing and drying the washing? And is she ironing it? one load every 2 days sounds a right chore if I'm being honest...and I'm 52. I helped DD with lots of things when she had her DC but I'd have been sectioned if I'd been doing her washing for 7 weeks..........

This ^

If you're struggling for whatever reason contact your HV. Your DPS are unreasonable.