If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

[gerpy]

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

Can I also add that they are doing the most private and perhaps intimate of jobs that would make me feel so uncomfortable as an adult. Washing mine and my dh's underwear would be an absolute no no, and rifling through our bins and recycling would feel equally odd. I would have no issues with some cooking, tidying, hanging clean laundry but washing my clothes would feel really intrusive.

Not returning a child's clothing is the sort of thing an abusive ex would do.
Of course you are upset, they are gaslighting you and being controlling.
Say no thanks to any future suggestions of help and change your locks if they have a key.

This. Good advice.

Sounds perfect

It was kind of them to offer to begin with when you were recovering from surgery but now that’s done and you’re almost two months in, there’s just no need. Firmly tell them you no longer require their help, obviously thank them profusely for everything they have done and perhaps get a gift too.

Agreed. Flowers and a thank you card; post on social media saying how grateful you are for their help in the first few weeks until you found your feet; remove the key if they have one; don’t tell them about problems unless they’ve been resolved as I expect they’ll interpret it as a request for help (“Honestly, they can’t do anything for themselves, always telling us about problems and expecting us to solve it”) ; and don’t accept any offers of regular childcare when you return to work!

We had a bit of this from PIL when BIL & SIL had their children - PIL would offer to help, then complain to DH about being asked to do too much. Very irritating, but it died down after a while. We don’t live near them, so didn’t get any help with our baby, which was hard in some ways but easier in others.

“She sounds like a bit of martyr, I wonder if every one of their friends has been invited round for coffee this past 7 weeks to see her surrounded by tiny items drying on racks 😂”

oh my life you totally get it. Accompanied with a deep sigh and ‘Brenda, honestly, we just coped didn’t we? It’s every other day she’s got me doing the washing! And don’t get me started with her putting Baby in Matalan stuff. I’ve told her, it washes awful! Sharon’s grandson only wears John Lewis!’

cried and said we didn’t love them…
I went very low contact with them.
Ah, crying, yes. I even tried crying right back at them, but their crying apparently trumped mine. Your approach is the only way to retain sanity.

People who are happy to help are invaluable. People who need to be needed are a pain in the neck.

Why on earth are you allowing your parents to do your washing and sort the rubbish. You are two adults who are perfectly capable of doing it yourself. Decline offers of help and do yourself, end of problem.

I might be wrong but think posters are missing the OP's question. I get the idea she is happy for parents to continue to do these chores (in OP "these things are quite minimal in terms of support") but not moan about it. So those advising, in 8 pages of replies , "just say you can do it yourself" are missing the point.

Although OP has to decide if she wants those chores done (and put up with the comments) or do them themselves.

Just say no thanks and tell them it's already sorted.

I doubt they have been thinking clearly at all about it OP.
Their thinking seems very muddled, & entirely self-serving.

Fact is - they don't WANT you to be coping.
If you were coping, how could they leverage control over the situation?
So they present a narrative where you can't cope without them, & then get -
all the glory of boasting to their friends about their marvellous helpfulness
all the pass-agg kicks out of presenting themselves to you as martyrs
all the thrills of controlling, undermining & digging at you.

Hurrah, what a result for them!

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why.
Because they are suffocating you with control & misrepresentation.

I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.
Perfectly understandable.
Stop allowing them to do laundry & jobs. Your mother will object (loss of control! Loss of all the lovely ego-kibbles described above!), but this time - do NOT allow her to insist.
"No no no mum, you've done quite enough, it's time for us to sort ourselves out now."

Be prepared for Flying Monkeys coming to you with woeful takes of how you have cruelly rejected your mother's help, are ungrateful don't know you're born etc. Ignore them all with cheery Grey Rock statements.

And do NOT accept regular childcare from them. You'd never hear the end of it.

Do they only do your baby's laundry?

My mother was a bit like this.
When I had newborns she would come round to "help"- that often consisted of taking baby clothes out of the laundry basket, and washing by hand.
All stuff I was happy to do in the machine.
Then she would complain about always being up to her elbows in the sink whenever she came over.

My Dad and his wife do this. They ask to have the kids for tea. We don’t ask them to. In fact it’s often inconvenient. Then they moan about how hard it it’s and how difficult the kids are (they’re not). They do the same about other things. For example, Invite people over then make comments about how it’s all so terribly tiring. I want to highlight to them how annoying their behaviour is but then it sounds so ungrateful and I don’t want to have any conflict.

Just do your own washing and recycling. Two functioning adults ought to be able to cope with one baby.

We could have the same parents, except mine are dead.
It’s away of controlling you and also putting you down. They can say to friends oh Gerpy wouldn’t cope without us to help. Gerpy is so lucky to have us. It’s exhausting at our age but what can we do, they need us.
If my parents did any small thing for us I never heard the end of it.
Distance is needed. Put all baby’s clothes in the machine and when you mum phones or calls make sure it’s running. Just say thanks but it’s fine, all under control. Sort rubbish as you go, tell your dad to sit down and have a coffee. Take control.
Congratulations on your baby. 💐

If OP's parents have taken the clothes and OP needs them back, of course she'll have to ask about it - they have put her into that position. As ICanHideButICantRun pointed out, you wouldn't choose to be relying on them doing the washing in time to use them again.

Bin them.
I couldn't stand the heads pace it demands.
You be much happier being self sufficient.

Surely you just do these things before they arrive? And then there’s absolutely no insisting/argument, because you’ve already sorted it!

100% this. Plus lots of head shaking and tutting!!

Absolutely this!

Don't let them control you by using their 'help' as a weapon. Help not freely given is just control/martyrdom.

Incidentally, I would help my children in this situation as it's difficult early on as new parents, but only to the extent I felt comfortable doing it, so I wouldn't resent it. I'm all for supporting each other but never using that support as a control tool.

They sound very martyr. Don't allow them to help you anymore. Thank them for help you received so far, and that's it. Otherwise they will guilt trip you every time you see them. I know exactly how you feel, because my mum always offers help (or rather insists on doing something) and then complains she's a guest in my house, and needs to do housework (I didn't ask her to😂). My husband said next time my mum visits us and starts using our kitchen like her own one (cooking, looking for pans, ingredients etc.) he'll say something, because it went too far 🙄Plus, it really bothers us. She doesn't visit often (thank god).

Definitely not disagreeing with the posters diagnosing a dose of martyr syndrome.

I am wondering what on earth needs sorting with bins and recycling, though? Two bags, one for rubbish and one for plastic etc. Wash recyclable things as you go, put the bags out on bin day.