If you have adult children would this be a big ask for you? Why are they making these comments?

[gerpy]

My mum is 60 and my dad 65. They live around 10 mins drive from us. Since we had dc 7 weeks ago, my mum has offered to do all his washing. She will come every other day to do this. My dad has helped us with the rubbish, sorting recycling. My partner doesn’t drive so they took us to register the birth in their car (I had a c section so couldn’t drive).

I never asked my mum or dad to do these things except the lift to register the birth. It is a help that mum does the washing but obviously we could do it if we had to. Neither of them work, they are both in good health. But… they seem to use these things against us if they are in a bad mood or we ask a favour. For example when we asked for a lift to register the birth they agreed but we didn’t hear the end of it.. ‘we do all your washing and spend hours sorting your bins, how would you cope without us??’ One evening i was expecting the return of DC’s clothes and text to ask what time they’d be here to which my mum said she was ‘too old for this’ and I was ‘demanding.’ This was after I said perhaps I should keep some of the washing back to do ourselves and she insisted she took it.

they’ve even made comments to wider family that we have ‘heavily relied’ on them since the baby was here and it’s been ‘non stop for them.’

i feel hurt by all this and can’t articulate why. I almost feel like they’ve tricked me into thinking they wanted to help. I don’t know if im overly emotional or something but I’m quite upset and feel these things are really quite minimal in terms of support and something I would do without feeling I was essential and my daughter was incapable, which is how they come across.

We had zero help when both of our dc were born and I used to think I was hard done by but honestly when I read some of the stuff on here I’m glad we did it on our own.
I think you need to reset your boundaries. Thank your parents for their help so far then take a step back. You will actually feel better for doing it yourself because it will mean you won’t feel indebted to anyone.

Just say no?

Totally they are making this about them. Next time they offer, just say 'thanks for the offer but we can manage'. I'd be furious that they'd painted me as lazy when I never asked for their help.

I think some people are missing the dynamic in some families. I am from a family of 'helpers'. If my mum comes round to look after my children until I can get home from work, she'll have put a wash on, unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the patio doors etc. I once was inwardly seething because I came home to find she'd washed and ironed all the little white babygros i'd left out to do myself as part of a nesting urge with my daughter.

She thinks she is being helpful to me and saving me a tiresome job, and in some ways it's caring but sometimes it's annoying as well. E.g sometimes the reason i haven't put a wash on that morning is because I can't be arsed getting it dried and away after a long day at work!

They are probably getting a lot of aren't you wonderful affirmations by talking about how much you rely on them and how run off their feet they are. I would put out a Facebook post saying you want to thank them for all the support they gave you while you recovered from your c-section. Make a point of saying how much you appreciate them putting themselves out while you got through these 1st weeks. Thankfully for all you are now back to full strength and are glad they will be able to step back, relax and have time for themselves. You're sure they will enjoy spending time as a couple.
If you can say tell them you are paying for them to have a meal out as thanks, or treat them in some way you can gracefully draw a line under their "helping". If they try to continue doing things so they can play the martyr you can cheerfully say no because you don't want to wear themselves out, as you heard they felt as if they were run ragged, and they've done so much already. Thanks to their efforts you are fully recovered and ready to enjoy managing as a family under your own steam.

Your baby is 7 months old, you’re obviously on mat leave. You can surely deal with your own baby’s washing and sorting your bins. You need to take a step back from your parents.

Sorry 7 weeks old.

I would help and do anything my dd wanted me to do and I'd be happy to do it. They sound like they've bitten off more than they can chew.

I had similar with my dad for many years I would ask for help would agree happily or so I thought then it would be thrown back in face make me feel guilty etc for asking or saying oh you need to sort this out and that . It was like they want to make you feel like shit and sorry you ask but often like you op the help was offered or insistent.

Do they infantilise you both in other ways?

I'd say, thanks very much for your help so far, we're looking forward to becoming more independent and don't want to rely on you. Take flowers and choc, then lock the gate and front door!

Only on Mumsnet could parents helping their kids be seen as "infantilising"

Meanwhile, in the real world, most grandparents I know do lots to help their kids, including childcare.

With that attitude I wouldn’t want them helping at all. And a baby’s laundry and recycling really are very small jobs that you could just as easily do yourselves. I presume she’s just putting the clothes in the washing machine and not hand washing them or anything?

I've got adult children and GC this is not normal behaviour, well not from me it isn't. I've never spoken in a bad way about helping with my GC.

I'd refuse all offers of help from them unless it's an emergency. They need you, more than you need them.

@Janieread it's not healthy to volunteer to do jobs then make out that the OP is relying heavily on them.

I was interested if there was a back story.

Do things yourself then it won't be a problem. You are grown ups you shouldn't be having your parents do these things for you

Sorry, yes, you are right. I thought the infantilising comment was just because they were helping. I agree throwing it back in the OPs face is unpleasant.

'Mum, Dad, Family Member said you'd been complaining to them that the laundry and recycling is really hard work and is running you ragged. As you offered and haven't said anything to us, I thought I'd better check, do you want to stop?'

I feel claustrophobic just reading your OP

Sounds like they enjoy telling their friends how needed they are and want to make you dependent on them so they feel wanted/worthy. They probably like feeling caught up in the new baby upheaval and efforts.

I'd just ease up on it and take control back.

I wouldn't make it into a huge deal and just assume it is over excitement at the baby coming / becoming grandparents and them trying to work out their role. Just re-establish boundaries and guide them to what and how much would be helpful, in a thankful way.

They sound very disloyal to be speaking about you both like this, particularly since you have had a section and they offered.

You need to establish boundaries and calmly refuse any further help unless absolutely necessary.

Be wary of them undermining you both in your parenting.

It reflects really poorly on them to be speaking about you like that.

You really need to pull back a little.

God how depressing.

I am sure they love you, but this is awful games playing. I would withdraw all requests for help. And your partner needs to work on getting a license asap.

In laws have potential to be like this and it's exactly why i have never ever asked them for help with anything.

Don't suggest or ask just say you will do washing and rubbish. Thanks for the help but to be honest you think it'd be easier to get on with it yourself now.

Genuinely intrigued what your dad is doing with the rubbish though...

But them a gift at the weekend and a card to thank them for all their help. Thank them for helping you during the first few weeks.
Then INSIST on doing everything yourself from now on.
say absolutely ‘no’ to any offers of help and be very firm.

all the best

I used to have a friend who did this. It's like she only helped people – and she would actually go out of her way to force her help on people sometimes – in order to tell everybody else that she was helping them. And how she would relate things to others would depend on the sort of mood she was in with the people in question… She would either gush about how grateful they were, what wonderful things they said about her, or she would bitch about them, telling everybody who would listen that they were putting her out, taking advantage etc. But she would be nice to their faces.

I live in Scotland. Recycling goes in the relevant bin as we go and gets taken out once a fortnight.