Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

[Countrymouse2]

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

Are you sure he isn't wanting a child with you to get a visa?

No sane adult man without ulterior motives will want to put a baby in you less than 6 months into the relationship.

The simple fact of suggesting this to you means that either he's controlling/abusive and trying to lock you in or that he stands to gain something financially from this affair.

Or he is a true romantic and has the wisdom and emotional maturity of a potato.

I know many couples who concieved a child within a few months of meeting. Its quite common actually.

This is the issue OP... You will be taking on the financial responsibility for the first family too.

As long as you aware of the realities of this - indirectly splitting your earnings by 4/5 people in the day-to-day living budget, one of whom who is his (ex)wife waiting for money from abroad as per their original plan, (even if there is no relationship as it is just for the children).

Are you okay with this level of responsibility?

As your child gets older and their demands get higher, this will become tougher.

And believe me OP when I say I am coming to this discussion with a world of deep empathy that comes with the experience of Mixed/Migrant/Single families.

I do feel for you with the very hard decision that you have to make and hope that whatever you decide, things will work out for the best for you.

It's common because many people are immature idiots.

Doesn't make it healthy or smart or ok.

He wants to be in his next child’s life full time (unlike his current situation) so yes I think he would probably marry me/live with me if that is what I wanted

That's a lovely message for his family in Argentina, isn't it? dad won't be coming to see you, kids. He has another family thousands of miles away that's much more important to him

Yes. If he fathers a baby which has British Citizenship (OP's) , he can apply for obtain Indefinite Leave to remain aka settlement.

He doesn't meet any of the other thresholds for LTR ( skilled worker; earned income level) so when his visa expires he'll have to leave.

No wonder he's desperate to impregnate OP (or any other Brit national).

MN is awash with threads about feckless serial shaggers who leave behind them a trail of gullible abandoned women raising the children alone.

Like this one.

No most of the couples are still together.

That was the good and honest thing about the Brazilian boyfriend/man I was seeing said. He didn’t want another child and was generous and wanted to stay in England but legally.

OP’s boyfriend wants to stay but can guarantee he’s playing the long game. If it wasn’t her he’d be targeting another woman. I don’t blame him either, lots of people would do what he’s doing.

This. It's awful. I don't know how OP typed that out as if it was a positive! "It's ok, he's decided he does want to be an active father on the same continent as his next kid." What a prince.

He is here because he wants to be - his twins are 9yrs old and he is thinking they can come when they are old enough to leave their mother (16) if they want to.

And what a lovely guy offering to the twins from their mother when the hardest years, that she's done solo, are over, so she can remain alone in Argentina while they start a new life with him and the kid he could be arsed helping to raise over here.

I’ve known 2 women who’ve had babies with sperm donors in past year or so, my ex boss at 37-39 years old and cousin of NDN who got pregnant/had baby at 43/44. They’d had relationships but for whatever reason turned to sperm donors. They both seem happy but it is harder being a single mother, financially and emotionally. They both have great family and friends support though.

One of my SIL’s best friends went travelling and met and married a man in a South American country (I forgot which). Things went well until his DM died, then he was grieving and sadly the marriage deteriorated and they divorced and she moved back to England. She just turned 40. You do have to think with your head and heart as you age I find, in my experience.

@Countrymouse2 Has anyone mentioned 'limerence'? It's an intense reaction that feels like love, but isn't. There are several comments in your post that make me wonder if you are in the grip of limerence. You have idealised this person to the point where you see everything about him as very positive, even things that look negative to others. I'm not talking about his low wage.

What would be one thing you could find out about him that would put you off him?

Honestly? Having my child was the best decision I ever made. I’ve never felt love like it, the tiniest of things make me the happiest and I feel like I’ve finally found myself/my purpose. I am in a stable LTR though

If you think you could raise and support a child by yourself then personally I would do it alone and use a sperm doner!

if you have a baby with this man he will be on the birth certificate which enables him to have as many rights as you. He could take the child to his home country and not a thing you could do about it. You would have to parent 50/50, and whilst he may be a great dad to his current kids, you may parent differently to him. Honestly, being around your partners kids and then having your own child is completely different. It just is. Would you want to be away from your child at least EOW? The thought of being separated from my LO like that kills me.

I think you either 1) have a baby with this man with the intent of being with him forever, or 2) end things and do it another way

to be fair though, whilst he may not have much money, there’s plenty rich men out there who dont pay for their kids.

Male here ..

I only read the first few posts in this thread, but I would personally be hesitant of pursuing this type of scenario.

I apologize as I'm sure this is likely been mentioned already, but just to confirm, do you credit his lack of career success solely due to him being from outside the country, or are there other factors? Also, are you financially secure on your own?Five months isn't very long to know someone, and it's common for someone to put their best foot forward at the very beginning. You don't want to potentially tie that child or yourself to someone that you really don't know all that well.

Since you want kids and I assume you feel time is running out, I think you should consider a sperm donor. Going this route would give you what you want without the obligation of being tied to another. I would try and keep the best interests of the child equal to or greater than the best interests of yourself.

I never expected this post to cause so much controversy, and frankly some people’s answers are just plain rude (with no need to be!!)

I saw this other post which I think highlights something quite important. It does not make a difference where the father is from - everyone is different- regardless of nationality. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4691035-some-questions-for-mums-who-are-separated-divorced

I am not being ‘pressured’ to have a child, and I am not ‘desperate’, if I was I would have had a child years ago with my previous partner. My bf does not need a visa - he already has one. If we were to get married, there are checks that ensure he is not already married - and tbh I don’t see the relevance of this as if we had a child he would not need me to have a visa.

All this is hypothetical as I am not stupid enough to go into this with my eyes closed. Once again thank you for everyone who has something nice to say, and for those who genuinely have had a bad experience, I am really sorry to hear that.

For anyone wondering, his kids spend every weekend with his parents, his ex drops them off on Friday afternoon and collects them on Sunday afternoon. The reason for this is so that she gets a break, and they feel like they are a still a a part of his family. Not that it is anyones business about his childcare arrangements honestly! 😂

What happens if the child is born disabled? Would you be prepared to give up work to care? Would he be able to help financially. All the work would fall on you. If you do sperm donation properly isn’t it checked for genetic issues etc?

I am confused.

How does that thread prove nationality isn’t a problem? It proves anyone can be a shit dad. But no one said parenting ability was based on nationality.

You said he did need a visa. Yes he has one now, but that doesn’t mean he can stay permanently.

You are desperate. Because you posted here, along with a list of reasons as to why it’s a bad idea, but still want to go ahead. You are desperate for a baby, because the story keeps changing so you can say why posters are wrong.

He will probably go back/ no he won’t he will stay here with you/ try and being the kids here when they are almost adults.

He is an amazing dad/actually you don’t know that as you have only seen him on FaceTime with them.

The fact that he is low paid bothers you/it doesn’t bother you because you will pay for everything so he can still send money home.

Being desperate for a child is not something to be embarrassed about. No one is digging because you really want a child. But you asked opinions on this. People gave them.

If he is totally unsuitable as you say, why would you want a child with him.

I really have an issue with the idea that because someone is running out of time or has always wanted a baby, it’s fine to get impregnated by just anyone. Or use a donation so that the child will never know their father or know if there are siblings out there. What about what’s best for the child? Having a feckless father who already has another family is not the best start in life . Sometimes you can’t always have what you want.

@RosettaStormer
I agree so much, most on here think about there ´right to be a Mother´ and not the potentially disastrous consequences that there can be for the child who should be top of the priority list.

Hello! I don’t really know why you are confused.

But no one said parenting ability was based on nationality actually quite a lot of replies on here seem to believe that him not being English is an issue.

You said he did need a visa. Correct but I also never said this was an issue for me.

You are desperate. Because you posted here, along with a list of reasons as to why it’s a bad idea, but still want to go ahead. I have never said I am going ahead - I don’t know where you have read that?

He will probably go back - I said he ‘may’ one day go back. Not probably - or he might - no one has a crystal ball.

The fact that he is low paid bothers you - correct it does bother me given that I will always know he will never be well paid and I will likely have to pay for everything. Do I have an issue with that, no, does it worry me, yes.

I am not embarrassed about wanting a child. It is something that I am considering, and yes I asked peoples opinions - I wasn’t expecting quite such a strong response but I am glad to read them.

@IneedanewTV thank you that is a good point I had not considered

To all those posting that they feel very strongly about not having a child unless the circumstances are ‘perfect’ I would love to know if you have children and whether you thought through every decision you made in their life. People have babies all the time, it is the circle of life - yes some do not have a good life I agree, they are not loved, cared for or have enough to live off - however I am offering all that and more and yet that is for some reason not good enough, and ‘Sometimes you can’t always have what you want’. I really am surprised at some peoples reasoning.

What disasterous consequences with sperm donor. Nothing is guaranteed even with 2 "perfect"parents. Why shouldnt single people have same chances.

i don’t see why you’re bashing sperm donation when effectively it’s the same thing you want to do?

you barely know him, surely you must know it’s a red flag he wants a baby?

Do I have an issue with that, no, does it worry me, yes.

Eh? Isn't this the same thing? How can you be worried about something but not have an issue with it?