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Original poster

Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

261 replies

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

OP posts:
Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 19:47

Hang on. How do you know he has an ‘amazing’ relationship with his kids if they don’t even live here?

Mari9999 · 03/12/2022 19:48

I would be wondering why a man who has several kids and limited job prospects would be so keen to have another child. I would also be a bit off put by someone who has only known me for 5 months and yet claims to love me deeply. I would think it is too soon to know that he loves you deeply and far too soon for him to want another child.

That said, I would probably opt for AI rather than a man who seems to take lightly the having of children.

He may be a wonderful romantic partner, and while I might have a romantic relationship with him, I would not rush to have a child with him.

WibbleW0bble · 03/12/2022 19:49

What happens if you two don’t work out and become acrimonious like he is with his ex-P? When he doesn’t leave the country, takes you to court for access to his child and wins? When you’re handing over your child to someone for a percentage of the week off the back of a 5 month relationship? Sorry OP, I hear you’re desperate for a DC but I’m not sure this is the way to do it.

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 03/12/2022 19:49

You want to have a baby with someone who you've known 10 minutes, has no job prospects and will go back to wherever he's from? Are you sure he isn't after a passport? I know that sounds mean but I can't understand why someone who isn't earning much and already has children to pay for would be wanting to create another with someone they havd just met, it makes no sense. I understand you are desperate but come on think about the child that would result from this situation, it really isn't fair on them. Don't do it.

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:50

Kazzyhoward · 03/12/2022 19:46

Of course, you could use him, effectively, as a sperm donor only, then end it with him and don't tell him about the baby. Only you know your moral compass.

No I could never not tell him. Plus I should add I do actually want to be with him!! I am just concerned that I haven’t been seeing him long and his financial prospects are crap- however my ex was a millionaire and that got me absolutely no where!

OP posts:
LooneyToon · 03/12/2022 19:54

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:50

No I could never not tell him. Plus I should add I do actually want to be with him!! I am just concerned that I haven’t been seeing him long and his financial prospects are crap- however my ex was a millionaire and that got me absolutely no where!

Show quote history

A millionaire? Wow this a massive change of lifestyle for you. How do you know this new guy isn't after your money? Also, wondering where he is from as it could be relevant?

LemonSwan · 03/12/2022 19:54

If your going to do it I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate. If he has parental rights and depending on the country then he could take the child and not come back. Or something along those lines. Have seen it discussed here before about bad splits with non U.K. partners.

alwayslearning789 · 03/12/2022 19:55

The term 'single mother' is a red herring here OP - lots of marrieds end up single mothers through no fault of their own.

At 39 - I get it - plan for your baby.

However, it does not have to include this person who could become a millstone on your neck if you're not careful.

Justmuddlingalong · 03/12/2022 19:55

Is he definitely single? How would you know if his kids and the DM of those kids live abroad while he works here to support them financially?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/12/2022 19:57

What country is he from, and does he need a visa?

It is not usual for a man to be encouraging a woman he met 5 months ago to get pregnant ASAP.

Macaroni1924 · 03/12/2022 19:57

My only issue with this whole thing is being tied to someone for life. You like him just now but if you do separate that’s when true colours show. As someone who waited a long time for a baby, when it comes along and you fall more in love with it than you ever thought was possible, these issues (the money) will be bigger because you will want the ultimate best for your child. I had a 6 month separation from my husband years ago and I did (but cannot express how much I did not want to) share.
Imo if you desperately want a child then sperm donation, sex with a random stranger anything else is better than this.

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:58

LooneyToon · 03/12/2022 19:54

A millionaire? Wow this a massive change of lifestyle for you. How do you know this new guy isn't after your money? Also, wondering where he is from as it could be relevant?

Show quote history

** I should add I am not a millionaire - I spent more than a decade with him and we never married.. i left him with nothing, mainly because I felt I needed to meet someone who put me first and wanted a family (he did not). He is from Argentina - he has a working visa here already and does not need me to sponsor him.

OP posts:
slowquickstep · 03/12/2022 19:59

He hasn't got 2 pennies to rub together, he already has children and may bugger off O/S. So this baby of yours could have half siblings they know nothing of and a Father that has done a bunk, poor child. Have you given any thought to how that child may feel 18 years from now?

thisisasurvivor · 03/12/2022 20:00

Op I get it totally

Just to add

My ex pushed me into having a baby
When I was pregnant he abused me very badly

Just be really careful
I see now that he pushed me into this to trap me so it was harder for me to leave

carmenitapink · 03/12/2022 20:00

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 19:40

Where do the best interests of the future child feature in these calculations?

Yeah it's sad that this isn't taken into account in so many MN posts 😩

OP, can you afford to raise the child alone? Another thing people don't seem to consider enough!

NerrSnerr · 03/12/2022 20:01

There are too massive risks in my eyes.

  1. Your child grows up with a dad and then when they're 8/9/10 or something goes back to his own country, devastating them.
  2. Him and his family try and take the child back to their country/ you visit with the child so they can see their heritage and you end up not being able to bring them home.
Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/12/2022 20:02

Given you haven’t been with him long, and presumably not ever seen him actually with his children, how can you be sure he’s a decent person or father?

i can we’ll understand your desire for a child but I’d probably choose to wait a year and see where the relationship is then.

would you be happy doing 50/50 split care with him?

would you be happy him going abroad home to visit his family with your child and be certain he would return?

I dunno it sounds like it could be very messy.

I thought that you could do speed donation without it being anonymous (not sure anonymous sperm donation can really exist now in the age of dna testing anyway)

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 20:04

Good advice all thank you. Of course it is a worry - but I suppose its the same as meeting anyone from anywhere - they might leave me!
No one has suggested I break up with him and hopefully meet someone else!

I think the general consensus is that I don’t do it. But tbh I would not go for the sperm donation route, so I guess we will just have to see what happens in a few years.

OP posts:
tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 20:06

You've known this man 5 months. Of course your relationship seems wonderful, it's barely started.

You do not know that he is a wonderful father. You do not know him. He comes from a totally different culture to you.

This is a terrible idea.

achangeisafoot · 03/12/2022 20:08

Sorry I think that a man who wants a child with you after 5 months is a MASSIVE red flag.

The other stuff I feel less strongly about but honestly, you know nothing about him. Everything he's told you could be a lie, I think he's love bombing you. Sorry

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 03/12/2022 20:09

I would be specifically concerned that 1) this man may be seeking a visa and 2) could he take his child to his country of origin and decline to return them, as many countries would not allow you to then take your child home against the father's will.

More generally, 5 months is a very short time to know someone well enough to consider co parenting with them. And I would double guess the parenting ability of someone who has children in another country yet does not intend to return there to live.

With your ex, had you had a semen analysis eg did that come back with poor numbers and is it likely he was the source of struggling to conceive or are you just guessing?

PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:12

Of course you think he's lovely - you've been with him 5 months, it's still the honeymoon phase. You don't really know each other.

Of course you think he's a great father - you've not met his kids or his ex.

Him wanting a child with you so soon into a relationship is a massive red flag, no matter how secure his visa arrangements are.

If it works out and you stay together, how is he going to support a family? If you split up, how are you going to get child support from him? He doesn't need to be a millionaire but he needs to be at least financially stable.

Come on OP, you know this is a shit idea. You wouldn't be posting here otherwise. Your desire for a baby is clouding your judgement. If you were 30, would you be having a baby with this guy? I bet not.

There are other better options for a 39 yo who wants a child...

drpet49 · 03/12/2022 20:12

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 19:40

Where do the best interests of the future child feature in these calculations?

i agree. Nothing about the poor child.

SunshineAndFizz · 03/12/2022 20:14

Maybe I've watched too much Catfish. But...

...how do you know he even has kids? Have you met them? How do you know he's not already married? Using your for a Visa?

Has he ever asked you for money?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/12/2022 20:14

He is from Argentina - he has a working visa here already and does not need me to sponsor him.

Does his working visa need to be extended periodically, limit him to certain jobs, and restrict his entitlements in the UK?

Also since you are resigned to being the main breadwinner, consider the benefits to him of this, even if you don't look on yourself as well off.

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