Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

[Countrymouse2]

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

@Itsbeenashortyear It is lucky, I feel lucky. My parents moved in together within two months, married within six months and were together 50 years. They also felt lucky. I just heard the writer Abi Morgan on the radio - she got pregnant within a few months and they are still together 20 years later. She is not lucky, as he had a terrible illness that left him unable to recognise her - anyway, that's another story.

I am just trying to counter all the cynicism here - love does exist people.

But my main point is that we - strangers online - do not know and cannot know if this particular man is genuine or if they will be happy together in the future. Saying that it is outright a bad idea as 'migrants' are like this and that sounds suspiciously like xenophobia to me.

Not sure why you think he is a much better prospect than donor sperm. At least with donation you know you will be on your own and can look at living costs going forward on that basis. In one of your posts you mention he would be happy to marry you - of course he would - he would then be entitled to half of your assets! Are you sure he is in the UK legally, even if so he must earn below the threshold required to prove he can support dependents in moving here. Therefore he is probably not in a position to support you whilst on maternity leave or make a meaningful contribution to your child. Honestly in your position I would be looking into donor sperm.

Saying that it is outright a bad idea as 'migrants' are like this and that sounds suspiciously like xenophobia to me.

I didn't say that.

I said it's common.

What strikes me about this situation is that he's an economic migrant with low pay and dependants who's happy to TTC within 20 weeks with a woman who's much more financially secure and resident in the world's 6th (?) strongest economy.

even if so he must earn below the threshold required to prove he can support dependents in moving here.

Grooms are generally not decently paid.

What if something changes and you increasingly have to financially support his current children, in addition to one you have together and being the main provider for your household, would you be OK with doing this?….. I wouldn’t but worth thinking about.

Are you sure he is split from his wife?
I think if it were me and I could afford to do it all alone I'd use a sperm doner then it's all down to me

As has been pointed out, there are a few worrying things here. I would add that I find it very concerning that be wants to remove his children from their mother, home country and everything they know to bring them to the UK. The lack of understanding of attachment and the experience of childhood is astonishing. That is a barbaric thing to do to a child. Ultimately if he wants a day to day relationship with his child he should live near them. At 39 your time is limited but not gone. The general relationship seems a little dodgy. Break up, give yourself a couple of years to see if it happens with someone else then consider sperm donation or adoption.

I know a couple of Argentinian men, one works for Amazon in a managerial role in the UK, the other works for a finance company and his brother works on an oil rig. Argentina isn’t a third world country, it’s a first world developing country.

I was seeing in my mid 30s a Brazilian man who I met over here who worked in a bar in London and was here illegally as he’d had a tourist visa. He had a 8 year old daughter at home who he said he’d split from the mum. I also know of a few women who are the result of south and Central American flings presumably with the men visiting UK and then returning home in 1970s. Whether the men knew they were fathers I don’t know but the women have never known their fathers.

I’d run a mile from this man.

He said they were never married.

In my experience though, even if not married, they are often still together... As together as you can be while living in different countries.

Anyway, all the showing of messages to op and having her around during kids facetime sessions ... Their private, bonding, catching up time with their father .... Is actually pretty inappropriate with a woman he's been dating for 20 weeks.

And why is all this happening with op present; is he already sort of resident in ops home?

These things often seem ok to a woman who's not had kids of her own, if you've had them and it was your kids and another woman who's a relatively new gf ... You'd see it differently. Ops just seeing it, as many new gf's of men do, as how much dues being included and trusted.. .. not seeing the real reflection re responsibility and appropriate behaviour.

Ultimately if he wants a day to day relationship with his child he should live near them.

Yeah, he's an amazing father .... But millions of Argentinian fathers in the same country, with the same economic circumstances, stay and raise their kids day to day; he's chosen to move thousands of miles away and gave nothing to do with their day to day care. I testing concept re amazing father.

*Interesting

No one said love doesn’t exist. But it’s incredibly naive to believe that live is all it takes. That if there’s love, everything will be fine. The assumption that there couldn’t be another reason for the expression of love is naive. Wherever both people are from. If he was from here, I would still think Op having a child with a man who won’t even be able to afford to buy nappies is a bad idea. Especially after you have known them 5 months.

I outearn Dp multiple times. Of course I was wary in the early days and looked out for red flags and we aren’t even having kids together.

Theres a huge risk here. To Op and to the child. It’s no xenophobic to point that out. The risks are there. I live in England. I am mixed race and neither of my parents family are from England. My fathers family come from a very poor country. I have seen many people I know married to provide the right to remain. Your assumption that people who point out the risks, must be xenophobic and have no experience in these issues, is entirely incorrect.

If/when this baby exists there will be children in another country who know their father is choosing to stay with his new family. Or a child that will grow up knowing their dad chose his older kids and moved back to them. There’s potentially big implications, that Op hasn’t thought about. It’s an entirely different situation to yours.

There’s so much that could impact the hypothetical child.

For every relationship that happened quickly, there’s many more that end before the first year. There’s many who stay, but are miserable. We can all find examples of circumstances to attempt to prove things work if we want.

I don’t know why anyone’s bothering to reply now because it seems from OP’s update that she’ll blindly run into a relationship with this man (who may be lovely, who knows!).

A few years ago one of my DM’s friends met a Peruvian man (from a tribe) whilst travelling in South America. She brought him back to London, they tried for a child and she had a miscarriage and then he left her. For him it was probably a combo of love and a new life in a rich country, for her in her 30s she wanted a family and an exotic South American man appealed to her. He found it very hard to get work in London that wasn’t low paid so of course a woman with a property is appealing.

Well let's put it another way OP; you have a baby with this Man. You split up and it's acrimonious.

He has equal rights to your child and being such a dedicated parent, could fight for and be granted 50/50 custody. Or he could move back to Argentina and you end up in a situation where your child is spending weeks at a time over there with him & his family. Or he could just disappear and your child is left feeling lost and rejected and second best to his older kids. Your child could reach adult-hood and decide they want to make their life in Argentina and off they go.

None of these risks apply with a donor, so if your question is about being a single parent and not about being one with this Man, there's your answer.

Your updates get more cringey every time.

You have chosen (some would say preyed upon) a man you barely know, who has no visa and no rights to stay in this country and no money to fight you legally for custody.

You have already said that you expect to the the sole provider and are already thinking that he’ll be moving back to his country and you will raise the baby alone.

Why would you ask opinions about being a single parent if you think you’re in love, he’s a good dad etc?
Your posts are very contradicting.

You’ve chosen some poor migrant worker simply because you want him to be a sperm donor like some reverse surrogacy situation but for some reason won’t go down the sperm donor route.
Why?

Are you embarrassed about using a sperm donor?

Why do you think it’s easier having a baby with this man than a sperm donor?

Yes, you are mad. I only knew my ex for 5 months and he was totally unsuitable. It didn’t end well.

Sounds more sensible than cynical

You have chosen (some would say preyed upon) a man you barely know, who has no visa

To be strictly accurate, op says he has a working visa for here.

To be strictly accurate, op says he has a working visa for here.

You are right but these aren’t permanent.

If OP wanted a child without having the fathers input, someone on a working visa would be much more suitable than someone living here permanently.

- I have no problem moving to Argentina if thats what it took - although I question why I would do that when we can both earn more here to provide for a family.

You have no problem moving to Argentina? Seriously? What do you know about Argentina...

I am also 39 and would like a child, but am single. I have frozen eggs and embroyo and will gladly go it alone if I dont meet someone. 2 friends of mine have recently had babies with donor and have never been happier.

So very similar situation to op.

Sorry if this has already been said but you've said he has limited earning potential so how does he support the kids he already has? Are you expected to support his other children until he gets a better paying job? Does he have a job? To add to this, does he have somewhere to live or will he 'need' to move in with you? Tbh I'm getting cocklodger vibes. It's very early days in your relationship and I completely understand your wish to have a child, I left a ltr for the same reasons, but I am now a single parent with a highly vexacious and litigious ex. Honestly, I'd go it alone if I were you.

Does he have a job?

Fk I'm not even the op and I get frustrated by this sort of thing.

She's said he works as a groom.

…..yes he needs a visa…..
Okaaaayyyy……..
🙄