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Original poster

Some questions for mums who are separated/ divorced

65 replies

EL0ISE · 04/12/2022 09:15

I stayed with my controlling and emotionally abusive ex for years because of the children. Sometimes he said he would go for 100% custody but mostly he said he wanted at least 50:50.

I know now that this is such a common threat and there are other women right now living as I used to live, because they are scared.

So I wanted to ask other mums

  1. How much parenting did your ex do when you were together ?
  2. How much did he say that he wanted to have the children when you separated ?
  3. How much did he actually have the children a year or two later ?

I’ll start

  1. About 10 mins a day when he was at home, so about 1 hour a week
  2. Either 100% or 50% minimum
  3. The first 6 months he saw the kids about 3 hours a week then OW moved in and now he sees them about 4 times a year when he takes them out for a meal. They never stay at his place and he never take them away on holiday, so no overnights
OP posts:
4yearsandwaiting · 04/12/2022 09:30
  1. How much parenting while together - none because I was still pregnant (5 years of trying and a fertility baby so no surprise pregnancy).
  2. He said that he wanted to have the child 100% because I'd make a bad mother.
  3. He actually never had dc on his own, visited for up to 2 hours adhoc for about 12 months then nothing, dc contacted him when dc was 13 (2 supervised visits and then nothing). No cm either as he kept swapping jobs then gave up his job and didn't claim benefits.
For what it's worth dc is a young adult now and doing well. I was very worried about the no contact when he was growing up but actually it's all turned out OK.
Namrchangedforthis · 04/12/2022 09:30
  1. probably a couple of hours a week but none of the difficult stuff - never once got up in the night etc
  2. 50/50
  3. 2 nights per week and probably 40% of school holidays, he is better with them now they are older and only has to turn it on a couple of days a week
Passmealargewine · 04/12/2022 09:35
  1. Barely any, my child was still very young when he left, all night feeds, day to day stuff, buying nappies clothes etc was left to me. He would show an interest whenever we had guests round, take photos for social media. Any other time he would only help at all reluctantly & made my life hell if I dared to ask him to do his bit.
  1. There were a range of threats from saying he would take the child from me & claim full custody to 50/50
  1. In reality, for the first year or so he would do a few hours a week no overnights. This then went to 1 overnight per fortnight. Now 4 years later he does every other weekend & taking him just for tea on the Friday that isn't his weekend. I've had many conversations with him asking him to do more in school holidays etc but he refuses.

Things are more amicable now but I will never forget the absolute terror I felt as a new mom, having him verbally abuse me & threatening to take my baby away saying I'd never see him again. With a level head now I know he never would have but at the time it felt like a very real threat

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 04/12/2022 09:37
  1. a fair amount, but not half by any means. None of the "wife work"
  2. 50/50
  3. he spent most of the first year living away and only seeing them in school holidays, then he did move back and does now have them what's supposed to be 50/50. In reality, he doesn't always have his 50% (I'm flexible and would always rather them be here for extra time than feel unwanted) but it is definitely a lot more than EOW. I still do drs/dentist appts etc 🙄
Longestnight · 04/12/2022 09:38
  1. Very little except when he had to when I was at work.
  2. He didn’t want them at all.
  3. He stopped seeing them for a year then sporadic off/on contact. Now only sees one child not the other.
Everydaywheniwakeup · 04/12/2022 09:41
  1. Very little, other than when he had an audience and turned into Interactive Man.
  2. 100%
  3. Got fed up of EOW, cancelled frequently then moved 200 miles away so now has DC 3x per year.
liarliarshortsonfire · 04/12/2022 09:45

Mine was great, we'd do either a drop off or pick up each, he'd get up as often as I did in the night, very hands on.

What I didn't realise until later, is it was all on his terms, as long as it didn't impact him then he'd get involved. It was always me that had to leave work if they were ill or we had parents evening etc.

When we split he had our dc eow, and even then he'd not always have them, depending on what he was doing. He never attended parents evenings or had them during school holidays.

It's changed now, he has them more, because they are now teenagers and can be left alone, he's also remarried and his dw has dc and is brilliant with ours also, so she tends to look after them.

He also threatened 50/50 when we split, but when it came down to it, it impacted his work and social life too much, so he didn't bother with them until they were self sufficient c and now his dw does the lines share

jeaux90 · 04/12/2022 10:30

They always threaten it. Mine did. Result is he hasn't seen my DD13 since she was 2. Believe me, it's the right result.

Quizzed · 04/12/2022 11:33
  1. Ex was very rarely at home most weekends he was doing his hobby. He did little to no parenting
  1. He wanted 50/50 which initially I wasn't happy with but I have a job which works around this arrangement now.
  1. He has kept to the 50/50 arrangement for now but he leaves ds a lot of the time with his mum so he can go out with "his friends" ds loves his nan and I have no problem with his nan looking after him but even he has said that he wants to spend more time with his dad. So who knows how much longer this agreement will go on for. Ds is 9 and will be coming to the age soon where he will start refusing to go to ex house.

They always say they want 100% 50/50 to keep you scared but the reality is most don't bother and my ex only went for 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay any maintenance and knew the only thing that I cared about was my ds.

Username112233 · 04/12/2022 13:37

When together, minimal parenting work. I was expected to do the lions share as I was part time and he had a physical job. He used to pay me to do night feeds and take our son out on Sundays as he was hungover or at the pub

When I went to work FT, he resented he had to do more ie school pick ups. Would come in from work and our son would be downstairs having not had dinner and he would be upstairs sleeping. I wanted to do stuff as a family at weekends, but he chose work and pub. Even when we had a child free night he never wanted to do anything as he would miss his Saturday night at the pub

Resentment grew on both sides, been separated 3 months now. He has son EOW and for a couple of hours after school until I'm in from work

He actually asked me the first weekend I had child free if I would take our son as he wouldn't have been able to go to the pub for 5 weeks (due to holidays with his friends and work)

He was offered 50/50 and when asked how that would work, I told him he could ask to amend working hours same way I did for school holidays,dr appointments etc.

He's now told me son won't want to stay with me when he's older, and that he'll only be paying maintenance for a period of time. Empty threats as it would interfere with his social life

I don't know if it's an "mum" thing, but I would move heaven and earth to spend more time
With my son if i didn't have him the majority of the time. I also see dads fighting for more time with their kids.

It honestly makes me feel really sad. I'm ashamed he's my sons dad

Showmethecardis · 04/12/2022 13:39

50/50 then and now. But he wasn’t abusive and it’s a good thing for my child

PeekAtYou · 04/12/2022 13:44

How much parenting did your ex do when you were together ?
How much did he say that he wanted to have the children when you separated ?
How much did he actually have the children a year or two later ?

He did 50% when he wasn't at work. No all day hobbies etc
He said he wanted every weekend
2 years later he saw them EOW. Now one is NC, one is VLC and the third sees him EOW. Once ex moved to be with OW things slipped fast. The kids said no to travelling so far and wanted to see their friends at weekends once they got to about 13. Ex had legal advice saying that going for a CAO for teens is pointless as judges would say the child could choose.
If he'd stayed local and not had a partner I think that things would be very different

Ivyruin · 04/12/2022 13:47

He used to have them every weekend, this was so we weren't messing up their school routine during the week. Friday night till Sunday. Then met a new partner and now it's 1 day if he doesn't make plans. Youngest starts high school next year so I've told him to have more time during the week with them. He's reluctant cause I earn more money so that means I should have the children more than him.

He doesn't do anything GP related or school, no activities. School doesn't know who he is! Absolutely nothing. He just sees them on a Friday night and that's it. They are 10 & 13, so not babies.

Chuntypops · 04/12/2022 13:52

  1. about 45 mins a night before he went the pub, and then benign supervision. His job was to make sure they didn’t fall in the fire etc but no more than that.

  2. Said he wanted them 50/50 but had no idea what that meant, he sort of thought he would see them when he liked and I’d pick up the slack, so maybe I would do all the school runs and tea and they could go to him for bed time. When I pointed out that he would have to have them say, one week on, one week off and sort his OWN childcare for school runs and clubs etc he was astonished. Why would he pay for childcare if he had me??? So basically thought I’d compromise my time and earning capacity so he could still go to work, yet simultaneously not get any maintenance from him. Schroediger’s dickhead.

  3. Fuck all. Maybe 3 nights a month, nothing in the week, just supposedly EOW but in practice this is usually just a Saturday night AND I have to deliver them half way as he moved 90 mins away.

He does however pay maintenance.

LondonWolf · 04/12/2022 14:05

Very little. He'd stay with them if I went out in the evening but only after they were in bed and I suspect he liked having me out of the way so he could drink heavily without me questioning it.

50/50. Also "why don't YOU leave if you're so unhappy, I am fine! You leave and I will have kids!" Despite never doing jack all while we were together.

Two years on he was living in Thailand...

He's back now but still only sees them about once a month for dinner or lunch.

FromDespairToHere · 04/12/2022 14:06

None, we split when I was pregnant

He said he wanted to move towards 50/50

He disappeared before she was born. From the age of 3 till 16 she saw him 1 day per fortnight at his parents house. She's 23 now and not seen him for 7 years.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 04/12/2022 14:13

Namrchangedforthis · 04/12/2022 09:30

  1. probably a couple of hours a week but none of the difficult stuff - never once got up in the night etc
  2. 50/50
  3. 2 nights per week and probably 40% of school holidays, he is better with them now they are older and only has to turn it on a couple of days a week

This he’s very good at being fun dad.

Tannedandfake · 04/12/2022 14:15
  1. almost nothing
  2. Threatened 50:50
  3. Seems to struggle to have them for 48 hours EOW
CrapBucket · 04/12/2022 14:19
  1. Almost nothing
  2. 50/50
  3. EOW and once in the week, with a massive palaver, drama, running commentary and endless phone calls to me throughout (just to catch me with a [non-existent] new fella I think)
Bestcatmum · 04/12/2022 14:19
  1. He didn't do any baby care at all. When DS was born he decided to work 100 miles away and come home every other weekend.
  2. When we divorced he wanted 50/50 custody.
  3. Three months later he moved to Germany and DS didn't see him again until he was 18.
napody · 04/12/2022 14:25

Namrchangedforthis · 04/12/2022 09:30

  1. probably a couple of hours a week but none of the difficult stuff - never once got up in the night etc
  2. 50/50
  3. 2 nights per week and probably 40% of school holidays, he is better with them now they are older and only has to turn it on a couple of days a week

All answers the same except 3 nights a week now (although I do some of the school runs on his days). It's actually going well and has been fir theast couple of years

Frith2013 · 04/12/2022 14:29
  1. As little as possible. The children were used as (yet another) way to control me.
  1. 100%. Even while we were still in a refuge. Demanded the house back, ready for "when he got sole residency".
  1. The court process took 8 years. During that time he had the occasional teatime visit, a few Saturday - Sunday, some visits in contact centres, depending how appalling his behaviour was at the time.

The children stopped visiting as soon as possible plus there was a year when he only had supervised contact but he refused to go...

One child now hasn't seen him at all for 5 years.

He gave up work the minute I left and hasn't worked since to avoid paying maintenance.

SpinningFloppa · 04/12/2022 14:31

My ex has no involvement at all hasn’t seen them in 2 years, I wouldn’t have minded 50/50 in fact it would have been my ideal.

SpinningFloppa · 04/12/2022 14:34

oh I should add he said he would see them once a fortnight for the day, no over nights never wanted any more contact than that.

GreyCarpet · 04/12/2022 14:58
  1. None because I was still pregnant.
  1. 100% because I'd be a crap mother and he was concerned about leaving his child to be brought up by me and my family.
  1. None because despite saying the above, he refused to go on the bc and has never even met his child. His child is now 24.