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Original poster

Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

261 replies

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

OP posts:
Itsbeenashortyear · 04/12/2022 18:10

Countrymouse2 · 04/12/2022 17:57

Hello! I don’t really know why you are confused.

But no one said parenting ability was based on nationality actually quite a lot of replies on here seem to believe that him not being English is an issue.

You said he did need a visa. Correct but I also never said this was an issue for me.

You are desperate. Because you posted here, along with a list of reasons as to why it’s a bad idea, but still want to go ahead. I have never said I am going ahead - I don’t know where you have read that?

He will probably go back - I said he ‘may’ one day go back. Not probably - or he might - no one has a crystal ball.

The fact that he is low paid bothers you - correct it does bother me given that I will always know he will never be well paid and I will likely have to pay for everything. Do I have an issue with that, no, does it worry me, yes.

I am not embarrassed about wanting a child. It is something that I am considering, and yes I asked peoples opinions - I wasn’t expecting quite such a strong response but I am glad to read them.

@IneedanewTV thank you that is a good point I had not considered

To all those posting that they feel very strongly about not having a child unless the circumstances are ‘perfect’ I would love to know if you have children and whether you thought through every decision you made in their life. People have babies all the time, it is the circle of life - yes some do not have a good life I agree, they are not loved, cared for or have enough to live off - however I am offering all that and more and yet that is for some reason not good enough, and ‘Sometimes you can’t always have what you want’. I really am surprised at some peoples reasoning.

Show quote history

Him being from Argentina IS an issue. It increases the potential problems. No one said parenting ability was better in men from the UK. Twisting what people are saying to prove you are right, doesn’t make this plan sound any better. The thread you linked doesn’t prove anything. That’s why it confusing.

No one said his parenting ability has to be poor because he isn’t From the UK. If that’s what you got from the thread, then you haven’t read it or are purposely ignoring what people said.

So you did say he needs a visa. So your posts saying he isn’t doing it for a visa, as he has one wasn’t correct. Wether it bothers you or not wasn’t in question.

You do still want to go ahead. You are contemplating it. So you must want to. If you didn’t want to, there would be no thread.

Again, his low pay IS an issue but it doesn’t worry you? If it doesn’t worry you it isn’t an issue.

He ‘may’ go back. But you said he also ‘may’ marry you. Why would anyone plan on having a baby with someone when they don’t even know where they plan to live or even have a clue about their long term plans. Again, the issue with him being from Argentina is what happens and what rights he has if he does move back.

PinotPony · 04/12/2022 18:17

OP, please can you elaborate on why sperm donation is not for you? It would seem the less complicated option and would mean that you and your baby were secure in the future regardless of what happens with your current partner.

ThatshallotBaby · 04/12/2022 18:18

Well I think you should go for it. DD’s biological ‘father’ left me and the country when I was 5 months pregnant. She’s 20 and has never met him. We’ve survived Grin

Bubblesdublin · 04/12/2022 18:22

You are not even 39, there is time to freeze eggs or take a different route.

RosettaStormer · 04/12/2022 18:25

Countrymouse2 · 04/12/2022 17:57

Hello! I don’t really know why you are confused.

But no one said parenting ability was based on nationality actually quite a lot of replies on here seem to believe that him not being English is an issue.

You said he did need a visa. Correct but I also never said this was an issue for me.

You are desperate. Because you posted here, along with a list of reasons as to why it’s a bad idea, but still want to go ahead. I have never said I am going ahead - I don’t know where you have read that?

He will probably go back - I said he ‘may’ one day go back. Not probably - or he might - no one has a crystal ball.

The fact that he is low paid bothers you - correct it does bother me given that I will always know he will never be well paid and I will likely have to pay for everything. Do I have an issue with that, no, does it worry me, yes.

I am not embarrassed about wanting a child. It is something that I am considering, and yes I asked peoples opinions - I wasn’t expecting quite such a strong response but I am glad to read them.

@IneedanewTV thank you that is a good point I had not considered

To all those posting that they feel very strongly about not having a child unless the circumstances are ‘perfect’ I would love to know if you have children and whether you thought through every decision you made in their life. People have babies all the time, it is the circle of life - yes some do not have a good life I agree, they are not loved, cared for or have enough to live off - however I am offering all that and more and yet that is for some reason not good enough, and ‘Sometimes you can’t always have what you want’. I really am surprised at some peoples reasoning.

Show quote history

No one said anything about perfect. Just not a stable life to bring a child into.

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 04/12/2022 18:27

PinotPony · 04/12/2022 18:17

OP, please can you elaborate on why sperm donation is not for you? It would seem the less complicated option and would mean that you and your baby were secure in the future regardless of what happens with your current partner.

To be perfectly honest, I would prefer to have a child that has the personality traits I know. Yes I understand that you cannot guarantee what your child will be like, but there is a good chance they will have a mix of personality from both parents.
I know my BF and I love his personality, and the things he is passionate about and I can see he is kind and caring.

I know that you can choose the looks, or the IQ from a sperm donor - but to me, that is less important than knowing the person that you will live with a ‘part of’ them for say the next 18yrs. I have nothing against sperm donation but personally it would not be my first choice. I would rather adopt than go down that route, but again I am not ‘bashing’ it at all. It is just my personal feelings on it.

@ThatshallotBaby great to hear! :-))

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 04/12/2022 18:31

but to me, that is less important than knowing the person that you will live with a ‘part of’ them for say the next 18yrs

that fact that you use that as an argument to procreate with a man you've only known for 20 weeks, not even two seasons, is absolutely deliciously ironic!

monsteramunch · 04/12/2022 18:32

I know my BF and I love his personality, and the things he is passionate about and I can see he is kind and caring.

... knowing the person that you will live with a ‘part of’ them for say the next 18yrs

You know the best of him because you've only known him a few months so haven't had up navigate the ups and downs life throws at us, to see what he's like when you need him, how loyal he is, how responsible he is, how serious he is about your relationship in deeds rather than words etc. Most people are kind and caring a few months into a relationship. You said it yourself:

I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.

LaLuz7 · 04/12/2022 18:34

@Countrymouse2 in the span of these 5 months have you

  • lived with him?
  • met his social circle?
  • introduced him to your family?
  • traveled together?
  • been through a difficult situation and solved it together?
  • have you seen what he's like when tired/frustrated/angry?
Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 04/12/2022 18:36

monsteramunch · 04/12/2022 18:32

I know my BF and I love his personality, and the things he is passionate about and I can see he is kind and caring.

... knowing the person that you will live with a ‘part of’ them for say the next 18yrs

You know the best of him because you've only known him a few months so haven't had up navigate the ups and downs life throws at us, to see what he's like when you need him, how loyal he is, how responsible he is, how serious he is about your relationship in deeds rather than words etc. Most people are kind and caring a few months into a relationship. You said it yourself:

I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.

Sigh… ok I give up.

I was merely saying I know his personality more than I know a sperm in a Petri dish.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 04/12/2022 18:43

LaLuz7 · 04/12/2022 18:34

@Countrymouse2 in the span of these 5 months have you

  • lived with him?
  • met his social circle?
  • introduced him to your family?
  • traveled together?
  • been through a difficult situation and solved it together?
  • have you seen what he's like when tired/frustrated/angry?

These are good questions.

I understand you feel piled on OP, but you're talking about bringing a life into the world with someone who is in the grand scheme of things a stranger but would then have equal PR so an equal say when it comes to decisions about the child including travel, health, education...

Which is why it isn't comparable to a donor, who wouldn't have PR so would leave you free to raise your child in the way you see fit without someone you barely know (as you described him yourself) having an equal say in their life for the next 18 years.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 04/12/2022 19:19

Nothing is perfect in life.

If you're saying your choices are -donor or this guy, it's good he has a good relationship with his kids. Hopefully same would apply if you split, which I think would be better than anon donor.

Could he be encouraged to retrain if that's important to both of you? He sounds motivated to be here in the first place, earning for his children.

People get pregnant by people they barely know all the time. It's not sensible, but I don't think you're selfish for considering it, you want a family and you're thinking practically. It's very risky but you need to weigh up the pitfalls a breakdown in your relationship when coparenting vs not having kids.

You could split and work on meeting someone that ticks more boxes, it is risky. I wish you luck, it sounds like a reasonable question to me, and you sound more than capable of being an excellent self sufficient mother. If you have more time I'd wait a bit longer, if you don't, I wouldn't say it's unreasonable. But maybe protect yourself financially too in case it goes to shit.

PrincessScarlett · 04/12/2022 19:28

OP, you say he is passionate, kind and caring. Does he ever go back to Argentina to visit his kids? How long has he been in the UK? I just can't get that he doesn't see his own kids at all. For his kids that must be devastating.

MamaFirst · 04/12/2022 19:33

I had a friend who used a sperm donor, she has a beautiful little girl and I do believe knows some things about the donor. It's not an unknown sperm in a petri dish situation as I understand it. I also think that quote you shared about a child not knowing their dna comes from a place of having been lied to their whole life, thinking one thing then learning another.

Also just to add, having and knowing a father doesn't make him a good, present or involved one. I would rather have one good parent than a shit and absent oneand experience that rejection. Not to say your bf would be, but there's no guarantee and people have babies with people who don't turn out to be who they thought they were, all the time.

Anyway, my feelings are stay with your guy for now until or if something changes or you change your mind about him, and review again when your time is running lower. Maybe another six months down the line you will feel like he is the one you want to be with forever and have a family with. And if not, you could consider sperm donation (officially or unofficially) at that point. Adoption is a very very long process, I don't know if there's an age cap on that. Best of luck, I do totally get that burning desire to be a mother.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 19:44

If we were to get married, there are checks that ensure he is not already married

I had a quick look to see if it would be feasible for you to double check what he's said about having never married his ex and it looks really quite complicated to check marriage records in Argentina.

That is the case in a lot of countries; it's not always feasible for registrars etc. here to reliably check if people are married in other countries.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 19:45

Oh and btw the way you'd be insane to marry a guy you've known such a short time ..... Unless it's a very short marriage, hell start getting a claim on your house value and maybe even spousal maintenance from you.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 19:47

My bf does not need a visa - he already has one

He doesn't have indefinite leave to remain, and apparently doesn't earn enough to bring his family over.

He could be motivated to get it, without having to work and/or study here for 10 years to get it.

LaLuz7 · 04/12/2022 19:47

I know that you can choose the looks, or the IQ from a sperm donor - but to me, that is less important than knowing the person that you will live with a ‘part of’ them for say the next 18yrs. I have nothing against sperm donation but personally it would not be my first choice. I would rather adopt than go down that route,

this doesn't make much sense. Knowing the other parent's personality is important to you, but between having a child who is 50% you (sperm donor) and having a child who is 0% you (adoption) you'd choose the latter? Not to mentioned it's almost guaranteed that an adopted child will have experienced trauma which might create some complex challenges and worries.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 19:51

.... if I was I would have had a child years ago with my previous partner.

You said in your op that you and your previous child had tried to conceive for 3 years with no luck; so I don't understand this.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 19:58

than knowing the person that you will live with a ‘part of’ them for say the next 18yrs.

At 5 months you're deep in the honeymoon period. You don't actually know him well at all. Ive found it takes a year or two to really get to know someone.

Then there's the fact that someone is going to be on their best behaviour when you can benefit them .... You can benefit him by providing a free/discounted/nicer place to stay, by subsidising him financially, by making his life more comfortable, by potentially subsidising his existing kids if you marry/cohabit/have a family together. You can benefit him in terms of his immigration status if you marry or have a child with him. He would have significantly more secure and flexible immigration status.

It is not normal in my experience for a man to be suggesting having a child within 20 weeks of seeing a woman. You says he mentions it/keeps mentioning it; that should be ringing alarm bells.

The only time I've had a man do that he was; after a visa.

You will only see him fully when you are not of such benefit and use to him.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 20:00

*previous partner, not child!

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 20:07

Also you keep describing him as kind and good person etc. But ateotd, there are plenty of men (including those working with horses, Argentina has a massive ranching, riding, polo etc culture after all) who stayed there and raised their kids, hands on, like a real parent. He had chosen to move thousands of miles away for work and only see have contact via facetime etc and sending some parcels for months, maybe years on end. While the mum has all the grunt work.

You seem so impressed with so little. You seem to have such naivety about what that means in a parent. Maybe it's because you haven't had your kids yet.

You might have a very different outlook on his decisions ... Including his eagerness to bring a other child into the world, with a woman he's not been with even half a year, when he currently chooses (and it is a choice, it's not a war torn country, not even a third world country, he's not been truly forced to emigrate) to live thousands of miles away from his kids sbd see them in person rarely and have little to do with their day to day raising.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 20:23

As someone said, he's actually a Disney Dad, one with a few thousand miles between him and his twin girls.

Yet you're gushing over his parcels and face timing.

And how exactly do you think his girls will feel if avd when he announced he's got a new baby on the way with another woman in the country he's living in ... While he sees them in person, how often? And it would be years before he's moved back or move them over.

Yet he thinks that's a great idea, 5 months in, and you seem to think that's a positive thing about him?

The lack of empathy and common sense in girlfriends of separated and divorced men never fails to astound me. The bar for Dad's parenting ...fleas couldn't get under, and the honeymoon period & baby fever etc seems to annihilate all consideration for existing kids, and all rational evaluation of his decision making & values.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/12/2022 20:24

PrincessScarlett · 04/12/2022 19:28

OP, you say he is passionate, kind and caring. Does he ever go back to Argentina to visit his kids? How long has he been in the UK? I just can't get that he doesn't see his own kids at all. For his kids that must be devastating.

That was what stopped me taking things further with the Brazilian man I was seeing. He sent money home and I think his parents saw their granddaughter but whatever visa he has had long run out so he couldn’t return as he’d either not be let in or wouldn’t be allowed to leave Brazil again. His daughter was 8 or 9 and he hadn’t seen her for at least 2-3 years.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 04/12/2022 20:29

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 20:23

As someone said, he's actually a Disney Dad, one with a few thousand miles between him and his twin girls.

Yet you're gushing over his parcels and face timing.

And how exactly do you think his girls will feel if avd when he announced he's got a new baby on the way with another woman in the country he's living in ... While he sees them in person, how often? And it would be years before he's moved back or move them over.

Yet he thinks that's a great idea, 5 months in, and you seem to think that's a positive thing about him?

The lack of empathy and common sense in girlfriends of separated and divorced men never fails to astound me. The bar for Dad's parenting ...fleas couldn't get under, and the honeymoon period & baby fever etc seems to annihilate all consideration for existing kids, and all rational evaluation of his decision making & values.

I’m smother one who thinks like you and half the other posters here.

If he didn’t marry the mother of his children then why would he marry the OP, unless there’s something in it like indefinite leave to remain or entitlement to half her house if they got divorced.

The Argentine man I know now is a hard worker,, saving I think to buy a flat either here or in Argentina but with a great job, he’s a catch for a woman but I just didn’t fancy him! Plus we met during lockdowns.