Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

[Countrymouse2]

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

But why would this situation be any different? How do you know that this guy won’t up and leave when you’re pregnant? Maybe a child would feel angry with a mother who chose to have a baby with a guy with a family in another country that he went back to? His kids must be so confused as to who you are if he does calls in front of you.

You’ve not mentioned how you met him/what your current set up is.

If it’s what you want, do it. But I don’t see it any different from sperm donation by someone you “know”. It’s not a LTR offering any stability.

OP, I’m going to try and be gentle here. Has he definitely split up with the mother of his children?
He lives in the UK
His children and their mother live abroad
He sends money & parcels home regularly
He, after 20 weeks of knowing you, is keen for you to have his child; here in the UK.

Please think very, very carefully OP. Does he have a visa?

He wants to take his children from their mother in Argentina - bear in mind he has a cordial relationship with their mother, so he doesn't think she's a bad mother - and bring them to England where they will know nobody except him. And they'll only know him via a screen.

Doesn't that sound like an incredibly cruel thing to do?

Think about it. If you were her, would you think he was a great catch?

Having children living in two different countries surely means that he will always be apart from at least one of them.

That’s not what I would consider a great father 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he is in the UK to give them a better life by sending money back, why would he add another child (I.e. another expense) to the mix?

This can’t be real.

You can tell he is an amazing father from when he is in FaceTime with them?

Then the quote from the person distressed over finding out their dad wasn’t their biological father. Can you not see the obvious? It’s likely the fact that she wasn’t told the truth upfront, that’s causing the issues. Just like any child who was lied to about their parents.

Of course some kids may feel born from sperm donation impacted them. But how many kids born to ‘not ideal and not Mr right but he is available’ are impacted by having a shit dad? Pretty much, all of them.

Of course it’s a terrible idea, so much so that I’m questioning whether this is real.

He’s not from this country.
He’s not got a visa.
He may go back to his country.
He already has kids.
He doesn’t get on with his ex.
He doesn’t and never will get a decent job.
You’ve only known him 5 months.

Are you playing some sort of MN bingo here?

I’m surprised you haven’t said he doesn’t see his kids.

Please tell me you’ve not met them.

In the slightest chance that this is a reverse and not complete BS then of course it’s a terrible idea.

You are planning to share custody with a man you don’t know yet and with one who could potentially move your child to a completely different country.

There can’t be women this desperate in RL surely.

Don't do it!!!! Unless, you know how hard it really is to have a baby (the actual day to day slog) and that you would be perfectly fine to be a single parent. But still don't do it. Just don't.

There can’t be women this desperate in RL surely.

There absolutely are women who just want a baby and stop using contraception when they have been with an unsuitable guy for a short length of time.

However I agree that the willingness to stress and elaborate his obvious unsuitability is unusual.

Are there any posters on here who have come from a single parent background - do you you feel hard done by? And that your parents were selfish for breaking up? I don’t mean that to be rude, but it would be great to hear from that perspective

I'll answer this for you OP. I have a shit Dad who chose a new life over a relationship with me (OW in his case, could be another country and his existing kids in yours). It affected my relationships with Men and the worth I thought I had for a long, long way into adulthood.

I also had stages of being very angry with my Mum for being so naive as to marry and have a child with such an obvious feckless chump.

IMO only knowing my own experience; I think knowing my father was a donor would have had its own issues, but been easier than knowing my parents just made shitty decisions for themselves that had a long term and lasting effect on me.

It's a tough one because having a baby is such a dream for a lot of us, and unfortunately us women do have biological clocks. On the other hand, how sure are you?

If you're sure then go for it. It's not like you're tricking this guy. He wants a baby too. If you both want a baby then why not?

However, you do need to ask yourself how well you know this guy?

It's all well and good thinking that you would manage just fine being a single mother. However, have you thought about the flipside? What if he turns out to not be this great guy you thought he was, but he sticks around in your life. Once you have a baby with him, he will be a permanent fixture in your life and will have equal rights to this child.

Exactly! The issue for that person was that their parents hid the fact and it was a shock for them later on.

If this relationship doesn’t work out and his work visa runs out he just becomes an unknown dad that facetimes now and again. And I don’t get how you’re judging him as some spectator father when he was happy to leave them and go halfway round the world. And now he’s starting a second family there, so one set of kids won’t get a proper involved father wherever he ends up.

Here's my experience. I got pregnant with a foreign (shock horror) man five months into our relationship when I was 38. Nine years later we are very much together and in love, have two kids and he is the most wonderful dad. Maybe we were lucky or maybe sometimes you just know youve met 'the right one' (maybe with a push of fertility-related urgency too).

In many countries it's pretty normal to either get serious straight away or not go ahead with the relationship - I don't see that as a massive red flag. And if he is already here with a work visa, I highly doubt he is 'using' you to get a family visa, as he could just stay anyway after working a number of years.

So take all these hyperventilating strangers with a pinch of salt - you are the only one who knows this specific person, so really only you can judge.

But my advice would be to think carefully and discuss in detail about where you will live in the longterm. Does he plan to stay in the UK - or does he love you and future child enough to commit to staying here even if that is not exactly what he wants (esp if he has other kids over there)? That's a big thing to ask someone to do, even if millions of people do it. Would you consider moving to Argentina for some period of time, for him or to let your child get to know that side of their heritage?

It's better than a sperm donor and you don't have time to waste.

He sounds awful and you sound so baby hungry it’s making you stupid.

Sorry OP but this is correct. Being a good parent means putting your (potential) child's best interests first. Everything in your posts indicates that you are doing the opposite. Please do not purposely have a child with someone you hardly know; and if you choose to get donor sperm, really try to put your selfishness aside and put your child's best interests first

Sorry I missed some of your responses OP - and am now wondering why everyone is saying he is a bad parent! He has come over to work after the economy crashed and to send money home to his children! Is that bad? Of course it's tough to be apart from your children, but that is what literally millions - tens of millions - of migrant workers do all over the world to provide for their children, including all the poor sods who built the stadiums in Qatar. Yes, he split up from the mum - like more than 40% of all marriages in this country - but is in regular touch with them and providing for them. Doesn't sound awful to me.

No one can tell you if your relationship will last. But if you think he is a good dad, you for sure know better than all these fear-mongering strangers on the internet. Do you have a close and friend IRL who you would trust to give an honest opinion of him and your relationship?

@chamenaged With respect, while on the one hand travelling to find work to provide for his kids is indeed admirable, actively reducing the amount he is able to provide for them by whatever percentage by bringing another child into the world in a much more expensive country is a questionable decision.

@FettleOfKish Of course financial decisions are important things to discuss before going ahead. Maybe the OP will decide that having a child and bearing most of the financial responsibility or being less well-off than she expected is worth it for her. It doesn't automatically make the guy 'a shit dad' 'incredibly cruel', has 'done a bunk' 'bright red flags', 'your money won't be your own' - all that stuff people are saying, based on what? She is the only one that knows him, and she might be deluded or in the honeymoon period, but she thinks he is a good man and a good dad. If he had a child at 23 and is now 32, has fallen in love and wants to have another one, that seems pretty normal to me. Yes, it's quick but frankly if she is 39, they don't have time to wait years to settle in to their relationship. He obviously knows that as well as anyone else.

I came to make the point Fettle just made: "actively reducing the amount he is able to provide for them by whatever percentage by bringing another child into the world in a much more expensive country is a questionable decision."

This is a man who is about to put himself in an impossible position. Having a child in the UK will make him perpetually 'split' between two continents on which he has fathered children. I have read all your posts, so feel like I have the available facts; what I don't understand is the dynamic between him and the mother of his children which gives rise to the idea that he might bring his children to live in the UK. Is the mother of his children OK with this? Or would she come too? I just don't see how a mother would willingly agree to send her young DC to live overseas with a dad who is barely able to support himself? And so far away that she would rarely, if ever, be able to visit them. Do his existing children know he is in a relationship with you, contemplating fatherhood for a third time? Or do they think their father's time in the UK is temporary and that he will be back with them at some point in the future? Do they long for him and really miss him? I imagine they do, if their relationship is as sweet as the one you convey. My guess is, given that they are young, that they do believe and hope, in their hearts of hearts, that their dad will eventually come back to them. Then imagine the realisation dawning on them, when they learn they have a new sibling on the way, and that their dad has effectively "chosen" a new life and a new child, and kind of moved on. Irrespective of how it is framed, this will almost certainly be something they consider, and it will be painful. If your boyfriend doesn't see this, or is prepared to proceed anyway, I think there is something you're missing, about him and about the whole set up. In the kindest way possible: once one has become a parent of a child, if one's heart is in the right place, one would not deliberately create a situation that could break one's child's heart in this way. Fair enough, going to work abroad for a period to earn more in order to better support said children at home. But to put down new roots in such a definite way, and so clearly signal a new beginning? His poor children.

My friend has three children (full siblings) by donor insemination, conceived age 38 onwards. It has been fantastic for her and her children. Complete transparency, peace of mind, independence and full autonomy. Beautiful family.

I think a sperm donor would be much better if you aren’t 100% sure this will last. Argentina is hours and hours away. If you split up and he goes home you could find yourself putting your child on a plane and waving them off for a few weeks each holiday. I was cabin crew for 20 years, I can’t count how many times I’ve consoled an unaccompanied child on a flight around Christmas who was devastated not to be leaving either mum or dad for Xmas and felt like they could never win because if they didn’t go they’d not see their other parent.

Please read this properly OP.

If you have a baby with him and he shares PR, you then have equal responsibility towards the baby.

The baby will have as much right to a relationship with their father's family as with your family.

If you want a baby so badly that you're willing to risk having one with someone you don't know well, that could end in having to navigate international co-parenting, you should want a baby enough to go down the sperm donor route and be single for a few years tbh while you get yourself into a good headspace as a parent.

@chamenaged But I'm not talking about the OPs financial decisions. Hypothetically, let's say that the Man could only provide £100 a month for his kids in Argentina, but by moving to the UK he can provide £600 a month. This huge difference might make his absence in their day to day life worthwhile.

So now he has a baby with the OP, that's he's duty bound to contribute to, and reduces what he can send back to Argentina to £200 a month.

His existing kids get less quality of life, and a still absent father whose affections they now have to share.

Maybe it's just me, but that doesn't seem like the action of a dedicated and great Father.

As long as you’re happy to be a single mother then go for it

Do you have lots of back up op? Supportive friends?
Do you have a family who would help you with this child?

Do you have a solid career and solid financial footing?

Are you in good health?

If you have all the above it would make me a lot more likely to go ahead than if I didn't.

You can’t know he’s a good father - it’s easy to be dad of the year over FaceTime.
It’s the relentless day to day slog that’s hard.

I feel sorry for his DC in another country - are they going to be on FaceTime seeing their half sibling and knowing their dad is seeing the baby in RL and not them?
Knowing their dad isn’t doing everything he can to get back to see them/live in the same country as them as he now has a baby to look after?
Knowing their dad is now not able to send as much money back to them as he’s chosen to have another child to provide for?
Knowing they’ve got a sibling they will never have a proper sibling relationship with?

This is the type of thing that can emotionally damage children long term.

Genuine good fathers don’t just have a baby with someone in a different country to their other DC.

I think having a baby with him would be more complicated and risky than with a sperm donor.

For the child, being born to a sperm donor because their mum so very much wanted them, is better than having a father who didn't stick around.

And if he does stick around, but you decide he isn't for you - well then you're left co-parenting with someone who at the moment you don't know well enough to decide if that would work.

I totally get that you really want a child. But remind yourself of what could happen if your relationship didn't work out / if this man turns out to be bad for you / if he moves country and your child is left bereft etc. The child's needs have to come first.