Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

[Countrymouse2]

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

There are lots of types of sperm donation OP. Not all anonymous to the child until they’re 18.

dcnetwork.org/useful-info/types-of-donor

And if he is already here with a work visa, I highly doubt he is 'using' you to get a family visa, as he could just stay anyway after working a number of years.

It would take ten or more years. I know this from an ex colleague.

He doesn't want to work shitty jobs for ten or more years to apply for indefinite leave to remain. Or to be able to bring his kids over, so he's not just seeing them on facetime (and maybe once or twice a year). He also probably wants to give his kids the advantages of an education and life in the UK.

More that it's unlikely in the extreme that he'd move his kids over without their Mum. That would be quite unfeasible. I think he's planning on bringing her too.

I have doubts about their relationship status. I think you could be shown oy "appropriate" communications between them, not all of them. It's weird that he's shown you, a gf if 5 months, their communications at all. What need was there; I think it was a demonstration, done on purpose to convince you/reassure you that their relationship is purely platonic but, I'd have my doubts.

Sometimes mens' wives are in on these things , I've seen several examples of it. They either have a don't ask, don't tell policy and stick their head in the sand while he "hustles" to improve their circumstances and solve their economic problems to the best if his ability,in whatever way he can ..... or are actually in on it (with an extremely stoical, pragmatic, strategic etc attitude) and the husband reassures them constantly that it's them he loves, that he's only doing it for their family, that he has to do ABC with this woman to get what they need.

This sounds a bit fantastical if you haven't seen it irl, but it happens.

He's chosen trying to have a baby with you over getting married because he's probably not actually divorced and has no plans to. He'd be concerned his marital status might actually be uncovered before m/at a wedding. The marriage could also be dissolved by you, and it might be within too short a time for it to make a difference to his visa status .... But the UK baby potentially gives 18 years of residence and strong opportunity for ILR on his own. 18 yes to get his family over too.

As a poster pointed out, why would a responsible, good father, who already doesn't have a well paid job to send money home; want to bring another mouth to feed I to the world. Which detracts from his ability to support his existing kids and is more strain on his income?

It's because he thinks you'll support it, possibly add to his support for his existing kids, and so he'll change his visa status to one that's way more secure, and may let him being his family over.

Its not normal for any man in any country to be having planned kids within 5 months with a woman he's not married to; it's visa (and money) motivated.

You're being blinded by his attractiveness/charm and your desperation to have a baby.

You're going to be the victim of a hustle if you do this.

If you want to be a knowing, compliant victim of a hustle, that's up to you.

Will having a child here increase his chances of being able to stay and/or bring his family here?

*Or to be able to bring his kids over

I mean on a permanent basis, not for a visit, obviously.

Also, just to add, people might post with realities avd likelihoods about visas/immigration that seem to be incompatible with what I've posted..... It's important to note, in my experience, that migrants looking to solve their "problems" do not always understand or appreciate the complexities of UK immigration laws in practice; they often operate on what they believe/heard from other migrants/things that might be outdated etc etc.

Ateotd British people who are qualified in this area can often not give a black of white or "simple" answer to immigration questions, so why would foreign migrants know the likely application of the law inside out/reliably.

Sometimes there are misconceptions...but the fact that he might not get 18 yrs of residence and the ability to move his "ex" wife and kids over to live here, does not mean he doesn't think he will. Or at the very least that a UK child wouldn't improve his prospects in some ways.

He has literally no reason to want to have a child with an older woman he's been dating for 5 shirt months (esp with pressure to provide for his existing kids in his home country) .... It's not due to tru wuv, that's for sure.

Sorry, I see on a reread, he says he's never been married to his kids' mother.

If this is true (quite surprised) then I still stand by the fact that a UK born & resident baby is a better bet for an improvement to his visa status than just marriage to you (which could be dissolved in than 5 Yrs even if he didn't cooperate with a divorce).

Hustlers know it's a better bet than marriage, that's why they always go for baby first in my experience.

He knows with you being older, feeling your biological clock intensely .... Him being attractive & charming etc. that you're ripe for this.

I'm sure he'll reassure you very romantically if you express any doubts as a result of this thread ..... I wouldn't believe a word of it.

I have mad thoughts like this too. I'm younger than you though and I have 1 DC already.

At 39 that would sway me massively. You need to go into this and ask yourself or tell yourself would be a single mother. At least you don't have the shock and heartache and disappointment to cope with because you are aware from the very start.

Start thinking could you maintain your job as a single parent? Would you have to reduce your hours? Do you have family to lean on?

Time is ticking for you. I'm voting yes no judgement from me OP.

If you want to "use" him as a father for your child .... Well, lots of posters have pointed out the many issues.

In case they haven't listed these, I'd just add, you need to be aware and totally accepting if the fact that he quite likely;

1. May not actually be separated and platonic with his "ex". The messages he showed you, unnecessarily, might be selective.

1. They may even be married.

1. She may move over here with his kids, and their relationship may fully resume.

1. If he stays in a relationship with you, you may be put under pressure to support his existing kids while they're in Argentina or here.

1. His reasons for being happy to have a child with you within 5 months are very likely visa motivated.

Sperm donation does not have to be anonymous. There are a lot of threads on here about it, some people want to coparent.... They might be gay, they might (as I saw one man on pollen tree) want to have a child of their own because their partner does not want or cannot have any (or any more) and they don't want to leave them etc etc.

I'm not sure where this poster got this from (?)

I thought op oh said that he said he intends to return to Argentina sometime in future.

Personally I think the desire for a UK born and resident baby suggests he wants the option of moving them to the UK, but I seriously doubt that would be without their Mum.

Good morning all.

I cannot be bothered to reply to everyone individually - and for those who wrote kind, useful posts - thank you. For those that have just called me selfish and my BF a terrible father just from reading a few sentences on here - shame on you. It must be a great feeling knowing you are in the perfect relationship that will never break up, and your kids will never have to worry about having a step brother or sister.
No one knows what kind of father he is including myself, unless you are the child/their mother. All I see is their conversations on FaceTime, which I am known as his GF for those wondering. I never asked for anyones opinion on whether or not he is a good father - I asked if possibly bringing a child up alone is a bad idea.

I am romantic yes - but also sensible. I own my own house with no mortgage, and I have a good job and am well educated. I came here to see if anyone had any experience of perhaps - without meaning to, ending up a single parent.

If I had never said he was foreign I wonder what everyone’s response would have been then - that a father should never have any other children with a new partner? I am sorry but that would mean nearly half the worlds population would not exist if there was no such thing as step-siblings. The fact that he is from another country is neither here-nor there. You can have a father who lives the other side of Britain but wont necessarily see his kids more than someone who lives the other side of the world. He is here because he wants to be - his twins are 9yrs old and he is thinking they can come when they are old enough to leave their mother (16) if they want to.

I am not taking ‘food from his other childrens mouths’ because that is exactly why I am saying I would be the sole provider. I have no intention of making him provide for our child when I clearly earn more than he does. In fact I have no issue providing for his existing kids if I can.

In answer to someone’s post - I have no problem moving to Argentina if thats what it took - although I question why I would do that when we can both earn more here to provide for a family.

@chamenaged I am really happy to read it worked out for you and it definitely made my morning reading a nice post finally! :-)

Ultimately I thank everyone for taking the time to reply to my post, and I will leave it there. Merry Christmas everyone. 🎄

own my own house with no mortgage, and I have a good job

You are certainly a good prospect for a low paid migrant worker, who's had to leave his own country due to lack of economic prospects, and who's having to send money out of his low salary, in an expensive country, home for kids kids.

A baby would tie you to him.

It's not normal, even for people from Latin American countries to have planned babies outside marriage within 20 weeks.

If I had come on here to ask opinions in the early stages of my relationship, I would have been ripped to shreds - my husband is also younger than me and from a much poorer country than Argentina. He earned very little and I paid for everything for years. He didn't have children, but people probably would have suggested that he did and was ready to scam me in order to bring them over.

But they all would have been wrong. You will have to take my word for it, but he is a wonderful person, he loves me, I love him and we both love our children so so much. (He also now earns more than me, for all you people obsessed with money).

Of course there are scammers and cheats in the world. Of course not all partnerships last. But only you @Countrymouse2 can judge this man and your relationship. Good luck!

his twins are 9yrs old and he is thinking they can come when they are old enough to leave their mother (16) if they want to.

I doubt he could do that on his current visa. And it would be ten years before he could go for ILR and maybe get the opportunity to bring children here.

(16 is also not old enough to leave a mother and live overseas with a father you've only known from facetime and infrequent visits for 7 plus years incidentally).

Visas for his kids aside, he’s only likely to be able to support them if OP and her decent income and nice mortgage free house accommodate them, so he’s being very sensible to tie her down with a baby. He’s clearly not just a pretty face but a man with a canny plan.

If I had never said he was foreign I wonder what everyone’s response would have been then - that a father should never have any other children with a new partner?

They would have says that 5 months was the infancy of a relationship and incredibly early to start TTC.

His economic position would also have, rightly, been considered.

This.

I think you'll find he won't have been romancing any woman around the paddock/stable yard who was broke.

In fact women into horses in the UK are probably the least likely group in the UK to be broke. Nothing about horses comes cheap.

@VisaGeezer you have an unbelievably cynical view of the world. Are you in a relationship? Do you love the person, or did you ask to see their bank account transactions before you went in for the first kiss?

Lots and lots of experience of migrants' abd their partners "love" lives.

There’s so much in that post @Countrymouse2

The few sentences are the sentences you gave people. Exactly, you don’t know what type of parent he is. However, you started the thread calling him amazing. That’s what people are challenging. You claimed he was amazing. Of course people would challenge that since you actually don’t know.

This is about so much more than bringing a child up alone. I can promise you that eventually, having to pay for everything yourself and supporting another adult gets quite tiresome eventually. Especially, if you are supporting them due to their own choices. Not because they are taking on the bulk of the childcare.

Where do you get nearly half the worlds population has step siblings? And actually, I do think people should think more before starting another family. They certainly shouldn’t be rushing to do it after 5 months knowing it will impact their existing children. If you have a baby with him, he will need to choose. Does he abandon your baby or the children he already has? The whole ‘I am will pay for everything myself so he can still send money to them’ is unrealistic. You want to have a child with someone who will never pay for anything? You foot the bill for everything?

And of course the answers would be different if he was from where you are. Because there wouldn’t be a high chance of leaving the country to go back to his other kids, leaving your child growing knowing their dad picked his other kids over them.There wouldn’t be a bigger risk of him leaving the country with the child. He wouldn’t be trying to use the child to get his visa. You wouldn’t be risking having to send your child to another country every year to see him, which in turn increases the risk of not getting them back.

It’s not, as you imply, irrelevant and xenophobic to the problems with having a child with someone who has ties and the right to live on a country where it’s difficult to get children back from.

@VisaGeezer you think migrants don't fall in love?

I made this account, as you can see from the name, because I couldn't bear not trying to warn and help.

So I'm not so cynical that I still don't feel concern about people.

I would be suspicious of his motivations for being happy to TTC in these circumstances.

That is realism and sense, not extreme cynicism.

Anyway m, TTC this early, with someone in these economic circumstances, has massive issues; totally aside from immigration questions.

If he didn’t already have children. Then your situation is completely different.

Let’s Be honest, anyone who has a child with someone they have only known 5 months is lucky if the relationship works out. That doesn’t make it a good idea.

It worked for you, which is great. But its luck.

Most people are capable of falling in love.

In my experience however, many migrants' circumstances and subsequent motivations, impact significantly on their freedom (for lack of a better word) to fall in love with whom they like, when they like, how they like ...without concern for other practical matters.

Sending money and care packages doesn't make a good dad;it's easy to pretend you're super dad when he literally has absolutely nothing to do with the daily physical grind of raising a child and all it entails.

His ex is doing it entirely alone and he's a long distance Disney dad.

He has little money and is keen to get an older woman desperate for a baby pregnant after a few months;this screams wannabe cocklodger.

If you're happy to use him as a sperm doner you're familiar with and he's okay with that then fair enough but I wouldn't count on him for anything else.