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Original poster

Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

261 replies

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

OP posts:
AllIwantforChristmas22 · 03/12/2022 19:16

Sounds mad (slightly) but at your age I would go for it. I know two women over 40 who ended up with sperm donor babies and your scenario is much better. Just think though if you are willing to keep relationship with stepchildren (half siblings) and potentially also travel to his home country if the relationship doesn’t last. A child deserves to know their parent/roots. And obviously I hope you can afford mat leave and nursery costs if he is a low earner.

MindatWork · 03/12/2022 19:18

I sympathise with your wish for a baby op - many on here will say ‘go for it’ but I’m not sure I’d be deliberately conceiving a child who likely wouldn’t grow up with a father in their lives (thinking of your comment about him likely returning to his home country).

Long term relationships that break down after DC are one thing, but trying for a baby when you yourself have said you don’t really see a future in the relationship is another.

Would there be any risk of him trying to take any child you might share back to his home country against your wishes? Seems far fetched I know but that’s what I’d be thinking about.

Do you know the reason he split with his ex?

HappyHamsters · 03/12/2022 19:22

Does he want a child with you
If you get pregnant will you marry him or move in with him
Why didn't he marry his ex
How do you know they dont have a great relationship have you heard her side of the story
Does he financially support his kids, has he got joint pc
Will he be on the birth certificate, promise to look after you and his child
Can you manage financially independently, especially as he already has kids and may move overseas, whats he doing about securing good career prospects

You can never predict the future, you're not that old, why do you want children, would you be happy with one or would like more.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 03/12/2022 19:22

Look at what you've said -

You've known him for 5 months
He might go back to his home country
You're not sure that you'd be with him forever
He hasn't got the best-paid job

IF you have a baby, it's likely that you'd be a single mother. IF you can afford to do that, and think you could cope with it all, do it. (you'll probably do it, regardless anyway)

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:24

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 03/12/2022 19:16

Sounds mad (slightly) but at your age I would go for it. I know two women over 40 who ended up with sperm donor babies and your scenario is much better. Just think though if you are willing to keep relationship with stepchildren (half siblings) and potentially also travel to his home country if the relationship doesn’t last. A child deserves to know their parent/roots. And obviously I hope you can afford mat leave and nursery costs if he is a low earner.

Yes well this is what I am thinking! It’s got to be better than a sperm donor situation (I have nothing against it personally but I would prefer not to go down that route) and I have no issue to travel to his home country, in fact I quite like the fact that they would grow up with 2 languages/cultures - but yes the thought of being a single parent if that happened is quite daunting!
Thanks so much for your reply x

OP posts:
AllIwantforChristmas22 · 03/12/2022 19:27

Whatever you decide, all the best. Honestly having my babies is the best thing in my life and in your situation I would totally go for it. You might end up a single parent, but at least your child knows their father/has half siblings and an extended family. And even couples in LTR split up after having babies, nothing is guaranteed in life. X

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:28

MindatWork · 03/12/2022 19:18

I sympathise with your wish for a baby op - many on here will say ‘go for it’ but I’m not sure I’d be deliberately conceiving a child who likely wouldn’t grow up with a father in their lives (thinking of your comment about him likely returning to his home country).

Long term relationships that break down after DC are one thing, but trying for a baby when you yourself have said you don’t really see a future in the relationship is another.

Would there be any risk of him trying to take any child you might share back to his home country against your wishes? Seems far fetched I know but that’s what I’d be thinking about.

Do you know the reason he split with his ex?

Thanks so much for your voice of reason! Yes I agree it’s definitely a worry about him not being in the country - but then I think if I went down the sperm donation route then they wouldn’t have a father figure necessarily anyway.
He split with his ex because they were young tbh (he was 23 when he had his first)
He wants to bring his other children here to UK so I definitely don’t think he would want to take his child back to his country (or even try)

OP posts:
SnackyOnassis · 03/12/2022 19:29

Just another thing to consider when you're weighing it up - if he doesn't stick around, do you have the resources and will to ensure that your child learns about their heritage on their father's side?
I'm not suggesting that it's something you should be looking at for the sake of the father and his rights, but for your child - if it's a mixed race/heritage situation, it could be difficult for them reaching adulthood without a good appreciation of half of their background and might feel like something they're missing out on if they meet people who are from/ask about that side of their parentage. Just something to think about!

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:34

HappyHamsters · 03/12/2022 19:22

Does he want a child with you
If you get pregnant will you marry him or move in with him
Why didn't he marry his ex
How do you know they dont have a great relationship have you heard her side of the story
Does he financially support his kids, has he got joint pc
Will he be on the birth certificate, promise to look after you and his child
Can you manage financially independently, especially as he already has kids and may move overseas, whats he doing about securing good career prospects

You can never predict the future, you're not that old, why do you want children, would you be happy with one or would like more.

Yes he wants a another child, in fact it is him bringing it up a lot! He wants to be in his next child’s life full time (unlike his current situation) so yes I think he would probably marry me/live with me if that is what I wanted.
I know he provides for his kids because that is why he is here in UK sending money back to them every month (the reason he is broke every month!) and he sends them a parcel of stuff every few weeks (it actually melts my heart every time)
He works with horses, but has zero qualifications. So that is why I know he will never get very far here in UK in that field!

OP posts:
Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:37

SnackyOnassis · 03/12/2022 19:29

Just another thing to consider when you're weighing it up - if he doesn't stick around, do you have the resources and will to ensure that your child learns about their heritage on their father's side?
I'm not suggesting that it's something you should be looking at for the sake of the father and his rights, but for your child - if it's a mixed race/heritage situation, it could be difficult for them reaching adulthood without a good appreciation of half of their background and might feel like something they're missing out on if they meet people who are from/ask about that side of their parentage. Just something to think about!

You are right and I didn’t think about that tbh. I have no problem travelling (in fact I love it!) so would have no issue there but I am concerned his home country is so far away! I definitely would do my best to find some way of keeping their heritage here if I was to find myself a single parent at some point (I really hope not!)

OP posts:
CurrentHun · 03/12/2022 19:37

Don’t do it! Dont tie yourself to someone you don’t know and who’s already got (and has left) a young family and might leave the country. There’s nothing wrong with sperm donation and at least then you call all the shots.

Itsbeenashortyear · 03/12/2022 19:38

I get that you might be prepared to go it alone, if needs be. But you aren’t the only person impacted.

Lots of kids whose Dads disappear/are crap grow up fine. But a lot do not. It impacts their lives in a big way.

That said, exh was great. We were married 2 years when I had dd and 9 when I had ds. 5 years later he had some sort of beak down. Became extremely paranoid and into all the conspiracies, flat earth etc. The kids don’t see him now they are older. So even when you do plan it properly, it can not work out.

But their Dad being crap and disappearing has really impacted them. He also left his job and is skint all the time. When dd moved to Uni, to support her gave her 5 tins of tuna from his prepping cupboard and that’s all the support she had off him. It impacts every large event the kids have. His absence or his crap support of them.

It’s not something I would have chosen.

Thelonelychicken · 03/12/2022 19:39

OK has he got a visa? That he could stay in the UK even if he wasn't with you or had a child in the UK?

DillDanding · 03/12/2022 19:40

If you really want to be a single mother, do it via donor sperm. Your situation sounds less than ideal.

35965a · 03/12/2022 19:40

What if one day he decides to return to his home country and takes his dc (which would include yours) with him? It happens.

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 19:40

Where do the best interests of the future child feature in these calculations?

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:42

CurrentHun · 03/12/2022 19:37

Don’t do it! Dont tie yourself to someone you don’t know and who’s already got (and has left) a young family and might leave the country. There’s nothing wrong with sperm donation and at least then you call all the shots.

Ok thank you! Can I ask why you don’t think so? He left his kids to provide for them in the UK (his country has literally zero economy since covid - they relied on tourism).
My issue with sperm donation is that the child wont know who is father is until 18 yrs old, and I feel that maybe they would want to know before that.. its just my feeling anyway I am sure that there are plenty of children conceived that way who are very happy not knowing - please no one come at me for thinking this!

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 03/12/2022 19:43

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 19:40

Where do the best interests of the future child feature in these calculations?

This. It all sounds very me me me.

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:45

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 19:40

Where do the best interests of the future child feature in these calculations?

You are right of course. I do feel selfish for wanting a child and not being in a stable relationship etc. I had that before and it didn’t work out - so now I suppose I am trying to think outside the box - but asking here incase I have completely lost the plot!

OP posts:
alwayslearning789 · 03/12/2022 19:45

Sperm Donor would be better as you won't have the drama OP...

Visas, kids overseas, supporting a separate family will all be down to you.

Don't do it. For your kids sake. And yours. Please.

Kazzyhoward · 03/12/2022 19:45

If you're happy to end up a single mother, or to end up sharing a child with someone you barely know who could turn out to be abusive etc., then crack on, it's a risk you have to take.

You don't have time to go through the "get to know you phase", so it's a risk. Only you can decide whether it's a risk worth taking.

Personally, as long as you understand the potential risks, and can, if necessary, be a single parent, then fair enough. You may be lucky and he turns out to be a perfect father/partner. Unfortunately, you don't have time to evaluate him properly given your urgency.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 19:45

You’ve known him 5 months. You don’t have a single clue if he’s a great dad. You hopefully haven’t met his kids yet as this is a very short term fling to date.

What’s wrong with a sperm donor? Is it that you’ll have to pay for it?

Guitarbar · 03/12/2022 19:46

I actually don't agree that this situation sounds preferable to a sperms donor. It sounds like he doesn't have great financial prospects, he might go back to the country he was born in (would he try and take the child?)- at least you know where you stand if you go it alone. Also have to consider the implications on his existing children as this would be their half sibling. This isn't a commentary on blended families on the whole, but purposefully have a child with a man you barely know probably doesn't bode well.

Kazzyhoward · 03/12/2022 19:46

Of course, you could use him, effectively, as a sperm donor only, then end it with him and don't tell him about the baby. Only you know your moral compass.

Cuppasoupmonster · 03/12/2022 19:47

If you’re confident that you could do a decent job as a single mother and have a secure career to return to with good maternity leave etc then go for it. Much better than a sperm donor - at least baby will have the legal right to know it’s dad, and you might get some maintenance.