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Original poster

Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

261 replies

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

OP posts:
2bazookas · 03/12/2022 20:35

Isn't the child the most important figure in your plans?

They deserve a better father than some stud you know isnt right.

Notanotherone6 · 03/12/2022 20:36

You're an idiot if you do this. You'll mess up that child's life, and probably yours as well. Good luck trying to get the kid back into the country when he takes them abroad and doesn't return. You know NOTHING about this man.

Wrongsideofpennines · 03/12/2022 20:36

Does he have a visa that would enable him to remain in the UK long term without being involved with you? Because I would be very cautious of a man who is keen to have a child that would be a UK citizen and give him more rights to stay in the UK. Particularly if you have known him less than 6 months and you know he has limited job prospects here.

How do you know how his relationship is with his children if you have never met them? And if he brings his children to the UK then will their mother come too or would you have step children living with you too? Wouldn't that complicate the dynamic if they/she doesn't speak much English, have no other UK connections etc?

NerrSnerr · 03/12/2022 20:36

Lulu2171 · 03/12/2022 20:32

Also sod everyone on here asking about the best interests of the child - as if not being born into a 2.4 children conventional bore-a-thon is somehow a welfare issue. What blinkered views of life you have.

Have you actually read some people's concerned.

I know a lady whose partner has taken their daughter abroad back to her home country. She has seen her a handful of times in the last 5 years and she can't continue the legal battle as she has no money (and another child). She has basically lost her child. It is a real risk.

PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:38

@Countrymouse2 Your point about child support is exactly why I am posting on here - to ask how important that really is if you are in the position to be able to bring up a child on your own? I am not saying I am well off but equally I am not on benefits and I wouldn’t expect to be either.

Well, if you are in a position to support yourself and a child for the next 18 years then it doesn't matter that he's skint. But how are you going to do that? You may not be on benefits now but will you be able to work when baby is young? Will you earn enough to afford childcare to enable you to return to work? Being a single working mother is bloody tough.

And it isn't just about the money, is it? There's all the other issues highlighted by posters...

CallmeCath · 03/12/2022 20:41

"Where do the best interests of the future child feature in these calculations?"

This ⬆️

The 20 plus years involved in raising a well balanced human being. It is hard and dedicated, self sacrificing work.

Lovemusic33 · 03/12/2022 20:41

I would go down the sperm donation route. Having a child with someone you barely know who isn’t British comes with a lot of risks and these risks could effect the child a lot more than being the result of a sperm donor. You risk him leaving you and the child, you also risk him taking the child to his own country.

Doowop1919 · 03/12/2022 20:42

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/12/2022 19:43

This. It all sounds very me me me.

Show quote history

My thoughts too. Would be an awful decision for the child

eelieza · 03/12/2022 20:43

Well if you are going to have a child with him you should at least ask if thats what he wants. And somehow I doubt that when he has already got children he can barely provide for. There is something very off about using someone to have a child when you know you are going to leave them. So maybe be honest with him and if he says no then go with a sperm donor

Notplayingball · 03/12/2022 20:43

Looks like he may be after money since he doesn't have much going for himself. Massive red flag 🚩

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 20:44

qpmz · 03/12/2022 20:29

Why would she end it when pregnant with a child they both want. She's happy with him at the moment!
Only end it if the relationship runs it's course or he doesn't turn out to be right for her.

Show quote history

This 😂 I am truly happy with him. Yes he’s not English - and yes needs a visa - but does that make him a bad person??
I see how is he with his kids on FaceTime, and I know he is not with their mother because he shows me his phone and I see the messages between them - they are cordial about the kids only.
There are a lot of very cynical people on here! I am only considering this BECAUSE i know how he is with his current kids. He is kind, hardworking and loyal - yes he is goodlooking, maybe a bonus - and maybe the reason I started seeing him in the first place, but he treats me like a princess and far far better than I have ever had in the past.
I am nearly 39 and probably have 1-2 yrs left to have a child. Are there any posters on here who have come from a single parent background - do you you feel hard done by? And that your parents were selfish for breaking up? I don’t mean that to be rude, but it would be great to hear from that perspective. 🙏

OP posts:
PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:44

Options:

  1. Give it a year. See how this guy pans out.
  2. Dump the guy and look for a better product. Avoid Argentinian grooms.
  3. Dump the guy and use a sperm donor to get pregnant. Simplest option and you avoid any drama.
  4. Stay with the guy but use a sperm donor to get pregnant. After all, if he truly loves you he'll want to be with you even if it's not his baby, right?
  5. Freeze your eggs. This is what I'd do. It buys you time to make a decision.
GettingItOutThere · 03/12/2022 20:45

35965a · 03/12/2022 19:40

What if one day he decides to return to his home country and takes his dc (which would include yours) with him? It happens.

this

just use a sperm donar

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 20:46

Lulu2171 · 03/12/2022 20:32

Also sod everyone on here asking about the best interests of the child - as if not being born into a 2.4 children conventional bore-a-thon is somehow a welfare issue. What blinkered views of life you have.

Babies are not pets. They are not dolls for broody women to play with.

They are human beings who deserve a good start in life, a healthy stable household, two responsible parents who stick around and do their best.

Sure, things go wrong, households break down. That's inevitable.

But to purposefully plan it that way knowing partner can't be relied on and deciding to take on all these risks on behalf of a helpless child, that's simply selfish.

PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:49

PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:44

Options:

  1. Give it a year. See how this guy pans out.
  2. Dump the guy and look for a better product. Avoid Argentinian grooms.
  3. Dump the guy and use a sperm donor to get pregnant. Simplest option and you avoid any drama.
  4. Stay with the guy but use a sperm donor to get pregnant. After all, if he truly loves you he'll want to be with you even if it's not his baby, right?
  5. Freeze your eggs. This is what I'd do. It buys you time to make a decision.

*prospect

... and my numbering went to shit! 🙄

Felicity42 · 03/12/2022 20:51

You are only with this guy a wet weekend.
He can't care about his kids back home that much if he went off and had kids in the UK as well. He could have just sent home all.the money.
You say he's going to feck off back to Argentina. So your kid's Dad would be doing that.
He's not loyal is he.
Why did he leave the mother of his second batch of kids in the UK?
That's two families he's dumped so far.
You'll be next.

How do you think the kid(s) in Argentina feel?

heartbreakhotel20 · 03/12/2022 20:51

I say go for it. BUT Only if you are happy and able to provide for your child as a single parent and have support.
Hopefully the fairytale will come true for you and you will stay together but please be prepared for it not to. As some who has recently found themselves as a single parent and the other parent unable to have our child it's bloody hard. Little things you don't even consider are tough when you are truly on your own. I understand the need for a child. Just make sure you are willing and able to do it alone first. Good luck xx

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 20:53

PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:49

*prospect

... and my numbering went to shit! 🙄

Show quote history

Haha point 2. Did make me laugh!

You are right of course. But sperm donation is just not for me unfortunately - and my gyno has already told me that it is fairly pointless to freeze my unfertilised eggs at this age.

it seems that leaves point number 1 which most people on here wouldn’t agree with 😂

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 03/12/2022 20:54

@Countrymouse2

I’d be pragmatic here. You don’t have time to break up with this one and meet someone to have kids with. You are out of time.
Your choices are - go for it with him it start IVF with a sperm donor now.
And even then -there are no guarantees given that you already tried for 3 years with someone else and it didn’t work.

Personally - I’d chose a path where you child would know their father.

CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 20:56

It feels like the potential child is a mere commodity to be created on a whim to satisfy yourself without any real commitment to offering a child a good start in life.
Feels very wrong to me.

maddiemookins16mum · 03/12/2022 20:58

WTF - why would you have a child in this way?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/12/2022 21:02

and yes needs a visa - but does that make him a bad person??

It doesn't make him a bad person, but it raises questions about his motivation and honesty. If he has a child with you he also gets a meal ticket (a higher earning partner who expects to pay the bills), a backup meal ticket (the welfare state), and the right to remain here for as long as it suits him. If you just want a known sperm donor and you are confident he will not turn nasty or use your child to milk you financially you could take chance, but personally I would wait until I knew him better.

RosettaStormer · 03/12/2022 21:02

CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 20:56

It feels like the potential child is a mere commodity to be created on a whim to satisfy yourself without any real commitment to offering a child a good start in life.
Feels very wrong to me.

Exactly this.

2bazookas · 03/12/2022 21:03

At his level of pay, and since the mother of the children lives on the other side of the world, they are not married; so the prospect of him ever bringing the children to UK is an absolute pipedream . He doesn't have Leave to Remain, only a work visa.

He won't qualify for LTR (because he doesn't earn enough) But he could qualify for settlement on the grounds he had a child in UK who was a British Citizen.

Your child would be British. THAT's why he wants another child; one that's British -born ; an "anchor baby" so he apply for settlement in UK when his work visa expires.

Honeyroar · 03/12/2022 21:06

I think a sperm donor would be much better if you aren’t 100% sure this will last. Argentina is hours and hours away. If you split up and he goes home you could find yourself putting your child on a plane and waving them off for a few weeks each holiday. I was cabin crew for 20 years, I can’t count how many times I’ve consoled an unaccompanied child on a flight around Christmas who was devastated not to be leaving either mum or dad for Xmas and felt like they could never win because if they didn’t go they’d not see their other parent.