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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

261 replies

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

OP posts:

FettleOfKish · 03/12/2022 20:15

Forget what YOU want for a moment, and consider the circumstances you'd be catapulting this innocent child into.

This is THEIR life, not just yours.

thisisasurvivor · 03/12/2022 20:15

achangeisafoot · 03/12/2022 20:08

Sorry I think that a man who wants a child with you after 5 months is a MASSIVE red flag.

The other stuff I feel less strongly about but honestly, you know nothing about him. Everything he's told you could be a lie, I think he's love bombing you. Sorry

Sadly this is what happened to me

Thinkbiglittleone · 03/12/2022 20:15

To me, this sounds like a terrible idea.
You have only been together 5 months.
He doesn't see the children he has now as he left them in another country.
He could potentially want to go back to his other children, leaving your child with no dad, or he takes your child and doesn't return.
His job prospects are not great and he is left nearly skint after sending gifts back to the children he does have, so no room for expense to contribute toward another.

It sounds like too much drama for me to even be dating him with the view of a long term situating, too complicated in the future.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 20:17

achangeisafoot · 03/12/2022 20:08

Sorry I think that a man who wants a child with you after 5 months is a MASSIVE red flag.

The other stuff I feel less strongly about but honestly, you know nothing about him. Everything he's told you could be a lie, I think he's love bombing you. Sorry

Yeah, his willingness to get you pregnant might actually be a strategy to lock you in. Men who pressure you into marriage and kids way before the relationship has proven solid are usually love bombing narcissists or abusers who want to get you tied down and stuck.

Do you know for sure that he's divorced?

How do you know he's such a brilliant father? I'm sorry but facetiming and sending parcels is way different from doing the grind of nappies and nightwakings with a baby. You don't know if you can count on him for practical day to day stuff

He talks about bringing his older kids to the UK. How would that work? Would the mom let them leave? Is she joining them here? Will you have to deal with baby mamma drama?

So many ways this can bite you in the ass...

Bottom line, I would never take such a gamble with the life of an tiny innocent baby who deserves stability and support from 2 responsible and mature parents.

Original poster

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 20:18

PinotPony · 03/12/2022 20:12

Of course you think he's lovely - you've been with him 5 months, it's still the honeymoon phase. You don't really know each other.

Of course you think he's a great father - you've not met his kids or his ex.

Him wanting a child with you so soon into a relationship is a massive red flag, no matter how secure his visa arrangements are.

If it works out and you stay together, how is he going to support a family? If you split up, how are you going to get child support from him? He doesn't need to be a millionaire but he needs to be at least financially stable.

Come on OP, you know this is a shit idea. You wouldn't be posting here otherwise. Your desire for a baby is clouding your judgement. If you were 30, would you be having a baby with this guy? I bet not.

There are other better options for a 39 yo who wants a child...

You are absolutely right - of course if I was 30 I would not even be considering this, and honestly at 30 I did not want children.

Apart from sperm donation or adoption (I am ok to adopt but would like the chance at my own child while I still have a slim time-frame) are there any other options?

Your point about child support is exactly why I am posting on here - to ask how important that really is if you are in the position to be able to bring up a child on your own? I am not saying I am well off but equally I am not on benefits and I wouldn’t expect to be either.

I said I could take brutal honesty (as I think thats what you get from posting on a forum!) but I am also only human and want what most people want.. a family :)

OP posts:

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 20:19

A work visa is not the same as ILR.

Leaving him would be a better plan than continuing a relationship that's got "disaster" written all over it. Nevermind the child angle.

stylishelish · 03/12/2022 20:21

How did you meet each other? Do you live together?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 20:21

What’s wrong with a sperm donor? Can you explain why that’s worse than some rando you barely know who’s waving a load of bright red flags?

qpmz · 03/12/2022 20:22

I also think it's better than using a sperm donor. The child will have a father who sounds like he'll remain in their life. They'll be less explaining to do when they're old enough.
Why will he be on a low wage indefinitely- what about promotion or moving to a different organisation or retraining?

Trez1510 · 03/12/2022 20:22

I'm confused.

Why did your ex (millionaire) boyfriend try for three years to have a baby and have fertility tests if he didn't actually want children?

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2022 20:22

So you haven't actually seen him with his children? He talks about them, but ultimately he left them in another country didn't he?

Argentinian men are very attractive, aren't they? He's not going to be able to bring his children over here. That just won't happen, not without their mother. You have no idea whether he will want to go back home. What happens if one of his family is sick? He then won't want to leave your child behind.

Your money won't be your own if you are with this man. You will have to provide not only for your own child and your maternity leave and your childcare, you will also have to provide for him and his children in Argentina.

Personally, I think it would have to be absolutely crazy to do this. I think a man who wants to get a woman pregnant within six months of knowing her is generally very very dodgy as well as he is not putting her interests first.

However, I predict you will have a child with him and you will get all of the problems landed on you that everyone has told you in advance.

Lulu2171 · 03/12/2022 20:24

Having a child is the most wonderful thing I have ever done. It terrifies me how close I came to not doing it. Don't get me wrong OP, it is bloooody hard (and I'm coupled up), but honestly, you're going in with your eyes open to worst case, I'd say 200% do it. There's nothing like it.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/12/2022 20:24

“Apart from sperm donation or adoption (I am ok to adopt but would like the chance at my own child while I still have a slim time-frame) are there any other options?”

^I always wonder about people linking up with others who want children, but aren’t in a relationship where that’s possible, to co- parent. Eg a single woman linking with a gay couple to have a child they co-parent. Clearly there is potential for lots of issues, but I wonder if there’s be less issues than having a child in an unstable relationship. It would maintain ties with both parents eetc.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/12/2022 20:26

My qns would be

can I support this kid on my own both emotionally and practically?
what happens is he moves back to Argentina to be with his older kids? Where does that leave your baby?
how often does he go home? Would you be happy with him taking the baby out going with him? What is you split up?
if you want to be with him and live him. are you willing to support him knowing most of his wages will always go to his older kids, not to you?

However, I know in your shoes is be more likely to take the risk on order to have kids then not. It's the nationality and his kids being back home that complicates it but is probably risk it. I think you need to give it at least another 6 months tho

qpmz · 03/12/2022 20:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2022 19:45

You’ve known him 5 months. You don’t have a single clue if he’s a great dad. You hopefully haven’t met his kids yet as this is a very short term fling to date.

What’s wrong with a sperm donor? Is it that you’ll have to pay for it?

You must be able to think of the draw backs of using a sperm donor? Explaining to the child for one, not to mention they won't have a Dad at all and no idea about 50% of their genes.

CoffeandTiaMaria · 03/12/2022 20:28

Justmuddlingalong · 03/12/2022 19:55

Is he definitely single? How would you know if his kids and the DM of those kids live abroad while he works here to support them financially?

This^^
You only have his word that the woman he has a family with in his home country is his ex.
Does he want to use you to get or renew a visa here? I’d be suspicious I’m afraid, all too keen and eager to get you pregnant,

qpmz · 03/12/2022 20:29

Kazzyhoward · 03/12/2022 19:46

Of course, you could use him, effectively, as a sperm donor only, then end it with him and don't tell him about the baby. Only you know your moral compass.

Why would she end it when pregnant with a child they both want. She's happy with him at the moment!
Only end it if the relationship runs it's course or he doesn't turn out to be right for her.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2022 20:29

Don't have a baby with a man who has poor job prospects but doesn't let that stop him impregnating women.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 03/12/2022 20:30

qpmz · 03/12/2022 20:27

You must be able to think of the draw backs of using a sperm donor? Explaining to the child for one, not to mention they won't have a Dad at all and no idea about 50% of their genes.

Show quote history

There a great TikTok account by a donor conceived person talking about her perspective on the issues surrounding speed donors.

LaLuz7 · 03/12/2022 20:31

Something to be also keep in mind:

ARGENTINA: INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTION
Argentina is a party to the Hague Abduction Convention but it has been repeatedly identified by the U.S. State Department as a country that demonstrates a “Pattern of Noncompliance” as defined in the International Child Abduction Prevention and Return Act of 2014.

Specifically, the Argentine judicial authorities persistently failed to implement and comply with the provisions of the Convention. As a result of this failure, 100 percent of requests for the return of abducted children under the Convention remained unresolved for more than 12 months. On average, these cases were unresolved for five years

thisisasurvivor · 03/12/2022 20:32

Wow my god it would be a huge risk in many ways

Lulu2171 · 03/12/2022 20:32

Also sod everyone on here asking about the best interests of the child - as if not being born into a 2.4 children conventional bore-a-thon is somehow a welfare issue. What blinkered views of life you have.

tickticksnooze · 03/12/2022 20:34

Lulu2171 · 03/12/2022 20:32

Don't be fucking ridiculous.

Original poster

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 20:34

Lulu2171 · 03/12/2022 20:32

Thank you for your compassion - I myself was a 2.4 children convention (my parents are still together after 45 yrs) however I see most of my friends in disaster partnerships so I do wonder if its the be all and end all these days!

OP posts:

Smineusername · 03/12/2022 20:35

Just go for it

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