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Original poster

Am I crazy to try for a baby with someone I hardly know/is totally unsuitable

261 replies

Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 19:10

Looking for some rational advice please! As the title suggests, I am considering TTC with someone I hardly know.
I know this sounds absolutely crazy - but to give some context, I have been in a LTR for over a decade which has now ended and I have ended up meeting someone else.
My previous bf and I tried for a baby for nearly 3 yrs, and it didn’t happen but my tests were normal so I don’t think it was my issue. I am now nearly 39. Ultimately we broke up for many reasons but a big one was his lack of interest in having kids and yet I wanted them.

I have now been seeing someone else who is younger than me (32!) and already has kids but never married to his kids mother - they don’t have a good relationship tbh, but he has an amazing relationship with his kids and you can see he worships them/the feeling is mutual. I have only been seeing him for about 5 months and I do REALLY like him - maybe even love him, but his lack of successful job prospects is an issue for me (he is not English and will likely always be broke) combined with the fact he may one day go back to his home country.
I have been honest with him from the start and said I was looking for commitment and to be a mother. I can see he loves me so much and he is keen for another child. I honestly don’t know if I can see myself with him forever (although of course that would be amazing!) simply because my head is telling me I would always have to be the main provider, however I want a child and I can see my window closing rapidly because of my age.

Am I being a shallow person for not being able to see past the ‘wage’ prospects for this guy? He would be a fantastic father and treats me better than probably more than any man has in my past! Not to mention that I fancy him like crazy which I think is not helping me make rational decisions…

I am worried about the fact I have hardly been seeing him long - and yet I am considering this because I am so aware of my age. Would it be so bad to consider having a child if I knew it was a possibility that me and the father didn’t work out??

I know this is impossible to answer, but should I end it with him and hope I meet someone else (more suitable!) soon?!

Thanks for all brutal honesty (I can take it - I think!)

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 21:06

CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 20:56

It feels like the potential child is a mere commodity to be created on a whim to satisfy yourself without any real commitment to offering a child a good start in life.
Feels very wrong to me.

I have to ask what the difference is between conceiving a child via sperm donation to having a child that is wanted by both parents and potentially I could offer a good life?

I just went onto the first website I found about sperm donor childrens thoughts and found this which makes me a little sad..

It was absolutely devastating to learn my Dad wasn’t my biological father. I feel heartbroken my parents kept this choice to themselves and didn’t ever plan to tell me. I am extremely upset that I went through the IVF process and created embryos not knowing my own DNA, not knowing my own medical history. It is hard to know if I will ever have the ability to talk to my biological father (and my biological grandfather, who I discovered is still currently alive). It’s upsetting to think he might not want to know who I am, or know anything about my kids (his biological grandchildren). It hurts that he hasn’t replied to my email. I worry I have siblings out there who don’t know yet, who might never know. I hurt for them.
^^
Right now the hurt often outweighs the joy.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 03/12/2022 21:07

Honeyroar · 03/12/2022 21:06

I think a sperm donor would be much better if you aren’t 100% sure this will last. Argentina is hours and hours away. If you split up and he goes home you could find yourself putting your child on a plane and waving them off for a few weeks each holiday. I was cabin crew for 20 years, I can’t count how many times I’ve consoled an unaccompanied child on a flight around Christmas who was devastated not to be leaving either mum or dad for Xmas and felt like they could never win because if they didn’t go they’d not see their other parent.

Sorry that should say devastated TO BE leaving.

Twinklenoseblows · 03/12/2022 21:09

Freezing your eggs is unlikely to help. The thaw survival rate is very low compared to embryos, particularly as you get towards 40.

I'd be worried about him trying to take the baby back to his country for good tbh, always a risk with foreign nationals of course, but particularly stark when you barely know them.

achangeisafoot · 03/12/2022 21:12

Yes - I'm from a single parent background. No it wasn't awful. But the trauma I experienced witnessing my dad nearly killing my mum with his violent beatings before she left ... yeah that was pretty awful actually.

He was also handsome and adoring etc at 5 months in, he wanted kids right away.

I'm just saying it's unusual. For a man to want kids at 5 months in. You must know that? That you're not surrounded by men who want to get their girlfriend pregnant so soon? It just seems like a warning sign to me. I hope it isn't. But id wait a little longer if I were you.

thisisasurvivor · 03/12/2022 21:14

@achangeisafoot yes x100

This is why I fled with my kids

V v soon he wanted me pregnant

Op be so care ful xxxxxx

ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/12/2022 21:14

What about the child?

A man you barely know who has a distant relationship with his existing children?

A man speaking about having kids after only 5 months?

The added complications of existing half siblings with whom they are unlikely to have any real meaning relationship with?

2 of my friends went the sperm donor route. Both happy. No added compllocations of a relationship with someone they barely know etc.

I think you are thinking more about you than the child.

brookln · 03/12/2022 21:14

Oh jeez OP you think THIS scenario better than a sperm donor? Wait until you two have a bad break up and he'll make your life hell by:

  • refusing to let you take DC out of the country
  • having dodgy girlfriends and have your DC stay overnight at his (unless baby is in serious danger then he WILL be allowed overnight access).

With a sperm donor you won't have the above issues as you'll be making all the decisions regarding the baby. Given that you can afford it and he won't be much financial help, I'd go with a donor.

CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 21:16

@Countrymouse2 I think the word potentially is a real concern.

brookln · 03/12/2022 21:16

Plus your potential future ex bf can claim spousal or child support from you.

Newwardrobe · 03/12/2022 21:17

I also think he wants a child so he can stay here.

WonderfulCounsellors · 03/12/2022 21:18

You would be better going down the donor route plus his relationship with his kids have you actually seen it? would love to hear the Mothers side.

He sounds awful and you sound so baby hungry it’s making you stupid.

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 21:20

CaronPoivre · 03/12/2022 21:16

@Countrymouse2 I think the word potentially is a real concern.

’a good life’ is subjective. I say potentially because perhaps my idea of a good life (a happy childhood in the countryside with my parents and extended family) is not some other peoples idea of a good life. I may not be able to afford private jets around the world however they would want for nothing 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 03/12/2022 21:22

I don’t think you can really make an assessment on his dad abilities when you’ve never seen him with his kids. It’s entirely your decision. If you want kids at whatever cost, prepared to be a single mum then I’d just go for it. As you know times not on your side

Original poster
Countrymouse2 · 03/12/2022 21:22

@WonderfulCounsellors He sounds awful and you sound so baby hungry it’s making you stupid.

Very kind of your to say. Your username is questionable!

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 03/12/2022 21:23

Which country? Watch out with the mess the father’s rights could make for you in that country.

I wouldn’t actually put him on the birth certificate if you go ahead with this.

brookln · 03/12/2022 21:28

@ScrollingLeaves real the full thread.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 03/12/2022 21:28

I am from a one parent family. At one time my DM had 4 part time jobs to keep my DB and I. I've turned out fine. I have a decent career, I have a young DS, I am studying for a degree in my "spare time" and my DM is my absolute best friend. She's a legend!
Speak to my F maybe 3 times a year.
Came from a different situation from yourself (domestic violence) and they broke up when I was very young. but I turned out fine 😊
I am on the team "go for it"
YOLO. And as long as you are confident you can solely provide financially and physically for you child if you end up lone parenting and have a good support network, then why not. The stats of single parenting are very high these days. If you are mentally prepared to go it alone then do it. Lots of women go through unknown sperm donors. At least you know yours!

brookln · 03/12/2022 21:30

'I see how is he with his kids on FaceTime'

OH DEAR. The reality of having a baby will really slap you in the face OP SadI'm a mother of a 5 months old and it is bloody tough, I need my partner there every day, having him attend short cute short video calls is no help really.

ScrollingLeaves · 03/12/2022 21:31

brookln· Today 21:28
@ScrollingLeaves real the full thread

My apologies, OP I stupidly did not notice there are many pages.

Thanks for pointing this out brookin

swirlypinky · 03/12/2022 21:32

I'd go the donor route

He could wnd up being a hindrance

Sadbeigechildren · 03/12/2022 21:34

I think you'd be better with a sperm donor unless you can agree a country to raise the child in.

FlowerArranger · 03/12/2022 21:35

Total fucking madness.

For all the reasons already stated.

But especially the risk of ending up supporting him, or being used to gain ILR, or him abducting the child to Argentina (a country known to do fuck-all to help foreign parents establish custody).

Longbin · 03/12/2022 21:36

I think you should look into why you had issues conceiving before and potentially go down the IVF route. I had 'ideal' tests, but I am not fertile and never conceived naturally (I have with treatment). If you are serious about having a child I would do IVF after 3 years, whether with a donor or him

Tontostitis · 03/12/2022 21:37

The worst that happens is you get a baby but the dad is flakey the best is you get a baby and the relationship is the making of him. Either way.you get a baby and ime doing it alone is OK and definitely easier than a flakey dad.

PrincessScarlett · 03/12/2022 21:37

Sorry OP but I think your age is blinding you to the potential pitfalls.

You have no idea what he is like with his kids as they are in Argentina. And I wouldn't be surprised to hear that he's actually married to the kids mum and she is totally aware what he's up to with you . Just because the messages between them are cordial and about the kids, doesn't mean they aren't together. He could have told her that he's planning on bringing them all to the UK but he needs to secure a visa himself first.

This happened to a family member of mine. She wasted 2 years of her life funding the lifestyle of her foreign boyfriend who had a kid in his home country. Said he wasn't with the mother. He face timed said child and child's mother all the time. He eventually left my family member in huge debts and went back to his wife and child.