I opened Xmas gifts early and hate them :(

[Dawb]

So DP has taken DD to soft play this morning (rare). I’m using the time to have a clean around and found a box from my favourite website shop and decided to open it. I know very bad. I realised it was my Xmas gifts and still chose to open it while no one was in. The website isn’t designer or major expensive, but not cheap either.

The box contains nothing I like at all. The site sells different brands (think retro) and I’ve never heard of a few of them in the box. A few others completely inappropriate (think allergies to cosmetics).

I feel so so mean literally not liking any of it. He has spent I would say at least £150 on a load of expensive tat. I wouldn’t wear or use any of it.

DP is far from romantic. He does try but I think due to his upbringing he is a bit of a robot. I feel so so mean telling him - ‘thanks for trying but what on earth were you thinking’. I’m also feeling a bit down that he really hasn’t got a clue - and probably never will.

Apart from not being romantic or spontaneous he is a lovely partner. Can’t discuss with my best friend as her DP is being such a CF at the moment and would kill for a DP like mine. What do I do? Please help!

Did you set a limit on how much to spend?

This has got to be a joke surely!

No adult is going to open their Christmas presents early like a spoilt child.

You were upset last time because he didn’t do enough and now you’re upset because he’s done too much.
I really hope this isn’t real.

There was a rumour that she set a limit.

@category12 😂

Smile and say thank you. I got pink sock last year.

Lol if this were on DadsNet you'd be red-flagged like crazy!

-You snooped in a box you KNEW was his, knew was probably yours and invaded his privacy. Here on MN women would be saying he invaded your privacy, that's controlling behaviour, he doesn't trust you, he has no respect for you etc...

-He spent way over the £10 limit to surprise you and you're being majorly ungrateful, ESPECIALLY when he earns less than you and this money probably was harder to obtain

-He actually took the time and effort to shop WAY in advance at a place he knew you liked, meaning he's a genuinely thoughtful and nice guy

-You call him an emotional robot, meaning you technically see yourself as superior

-Yet you know you have a catch, but belittle him???

-You're amazingly hypocritical and hard work because here he spent over the limit (your orders), and you're upset he went against it... but then told him prior NOT to do anything on your birthday AND HE DIDN'T (following your orders) and you got pissy with him???

-He prioritises you over his own mother, I.e. he remembers your birthday and spends excessively for Christmas on you but disregards her's

So, constructive comments... don't tell him. He'll feel violated as he rightly should. It was his space, in a box you knew would be for you. You knew what you were doing and you knew it was wrong. He'll be thinking what else has she been doing, what else has she found, does she go through my stuff routinely??? You want to keep up this facade of being a nice person, act sweet and grateful on the day you receive it. Ask any woman, any online survey, what they look for as number one when it comes to men and that is usually trust. It should go both ways.

BTW, these aren't all my thoughts, I'm actually paralleling the responses I've seen when a similar situation occurred with the genders reversed on MN. :)

Why don't you suggest that you open presents early, before going away to save on suitcase space and leaving room to bring back stuff from Christmas Day with family.
Then there's a chance to return and exchange for things you like.

Over 90% of blokes have absolutely no idea what to get as presents. They just don't think like that.

He probably thinks "She already has loads of over-priced rubbish = get her some more". You sound spoilt tbh - sorry.

Not to mention calling him "defiant" about the £10 limit.

I do find the £10 limit we've barely mentioned hilarious 😂, but calling a grown man defiant is really off and infantilising.

I can't be the only one feeling sorry for your DP! He did exactly what you said about your birthday and he's still wrong, and don't pull the 'oh but I was pregnant' excuse, that's rubbish. Maybe next year don't go snooping when he's out. I've had presents I don't like, he once bought me the book that I'd pointed out to him in Waterstones with the words 'Whatever you buy, I don't want that'! Apparently he remembered I'd mentioned it but not the details.

Is there something out there that you actually want that costs £10? I could find lots of goodies for myself with a tenner but some people would find it hard if they haven't been given idea suggestions.
I would tell him the truth. He could either return the gifts or if too late sell them to get some money back.
Then... for fun...stick to the £10 rule but you buy for yourself, he does himself and on Christmas morning you get the suprise of seeing what each other chose for themselves.

When you say opened what do you mean?

Were they wrapped up?

The truth is usually unacceptable on MN if it supports the male!

You are going to have to fake it on Christmas Day (but check the website doesn’t do returns - fine to exchange if they do)

going forward

You have to tell people what you want for C’mas and B’days and also organise your own celebrations. People doing amazing things happens only occasionally. Stop expecting him to mind read.

Stop sorting out stuff for him. Stick a calendar on the wall w key birthdays - maybe tell him at the beginning of the month - and that’s it. It will only make him more useless otherwise.

You two sound very different so it’s important to keep up the comms.

Joyfuljolly · Today 10:04
Christ the poor man can’t win, why don’t you just bloody tell him what you want so he doesn’t need to jump through these hoops“

This. Can’t understand adults who are so petulant about gifts.

You are missing the point.

Not opening gifts in advance isn’t going to solve the OP’s problem, telling her partner what she wants in advance will.

It isn't for you.

We do this too. It works much better. My husband is on the spectrum . When I first met him he said ' I can't do inference, if you want me to do something tell me directly and I will do it'. He does just that and has been a brilliant partner and husband for 21 years. He loves books. He gives me a big list of the ones he would like and any other presents and I get them . He wouldn't pick up any hints from me and I wouldn't know which books he would like/ has already read. I always hated surprises as a child. I wanted a tiny tears doll or , later, make up and hair stuff. My father wanted me to be a scientist so bought me a microscope and slides with bits of fly encased in glue. I wanted the blue and green eye shadow my friends all had (1979).Communication is key.

I would love him for trying like others say it is your favourite shop. Keep them. Accept them with grace and train him better in time for next year. Remember. It is the thought that counts.

You shouldn’t have looked in the box. The comments about your birthday make you sound a bit like DH can’t really win.

Having said that though, DH and I don’t buy each other presents. We discussed that if we want/need something, we can buy it ourselves…and if we don’t buy it ourselves, it’s probably because we don’t really want it or it’s too expensive…in which case why expect the other one to buy it for us?

It probably doesn’t sound very romantic, but we show each other that we care in other ways.

I have had this my whole life.
I am not that difficult to please. If you ask me what I want I will tell you. Except after 50 years of asking I now say don’t bother.

Over the years despite being a non smoker, non drinker, non make up, wearer who doesn’t carry a handbag and only uses a card to pay so doesn’t own a purse who is allergic to dairy and all body lotions, shampoos, toiletries and perfume (except Chanel No 5 (they use a different atomiser to a lot of other perfumes as a start)
I have been gifted ashtrays, bottles of champagne, makeup bags, handbags, purses, toiletries in gift boxes and bottles of perfume and a load of random tat that I don’t wear. (One person bought me a scarf. after a long discussion about my hatred of anything being around my neck) She got very upset that I never wear it.

I am not ungrateful I am just sick of crap presents that no one has given a moments thought to what I would like and use rather than deciding that they won’t let my allergies or phobias get in the way of what they want to buy. Even if people ask me I never get what I want.

Me and dh set a £20 limit which I stuck to u til I got drunk and ordered him a crow lamp from etsy 😳 not everyone is good at sticking to the limit 😂

I think the issue goes beyond the items in the box to be honest. He’s unromantic and robotic and doesn’t really know what you like.

I think if this happened to me I would brush it off and think bless him the silly fool and I would pretend to be happy. That’s because I’m happy in our relationship. I think the issue goes beyond the items in the box.

Should add that I presume the Dh knows of her allergies so it sounds like he put zero effort in choosing this gift.

Why not put the gifts somewhere to be regifted.
Then buy similar things that you actually like and can use.
Have them sent to a collection point.
Seriously if my dh ordered me stuff he wouldn’t know when he came to wrap it that it wasn’t what he ordered. Not if it was similar.
You have 3 weeks to get round this.