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Original poster

I opened Xmas gifts early and hate them :(

332 replies

Dawb · 03/12/2022 09:44

So DP has taken DD to soft play this morning (rare). I’m using the time to have a clean around and found a box from my favourite website shop and decided to open it. I know very bad. I realised it was my Xmas gifts and still chose to open it while no one was in. The website isn’t designer or major expensive, but not cheap either.

The box contains nothing I like at all. The site sells different brands (think retro) and I’ve never heard of a few of them in the box. A few others completely inappropriate (think allergies to cosmetics).

I feel so so mean literally not liking any of it. He has spent I would say at least £150 on a load of expensive tat. I wouldn’t wear or use any of it.

DP is far from romantic. He does try but I think due to his upbringing he is a bit of a robot. I feel so so mean telling him - ‘thanks for trying but what on earth were you thinking’. I’m also feeling a bit down that he really hasn’t got a clue - and probably never will.

Apart from not being romantic or spontaneous he is a lovely partner. Can’t discuss with my best friend as her DP is being such a CF at the moment and would kill for a DP like mine. What do I do? Please help!

OP posts:
SagittariusDwarf · 03/12/2022 11:51

Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:49

£10 limit set as he can’t be trusted to buy. Thought I was being clever and would only have to pretend to like (and use) £10 worth. Backfired again.

Show quote history

I reckon the £150 is for someone else.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:54

C1N1C · 03/12/2022 10:59

Lol if this were on DadsNet you'd be red-flagged like crazy!

-You snooped in a box you KNEW was his, knew was probably yours and invaded his privacy. Here on MN women would be saying he invaded your privacy, that's controlling behaviour, he doesn't trust you, he has no respect for you etc...

-He spent way over the £10 limit to surprise you and you're being majorly ungrateful, ESPECIALLY when he earns less than you and this money probably was harder to obtain

-He actually took the time and effort to shop WAY in advance at a place he knew you liked, meaning he's a genuinely thoughtful and nice guy

-You call him an emotional robot, meaning you technically see yourself as superior

-Yet you know you have a catch, but belittle him???

-You're amazingly hypocritical and hard work because here he spent over the limit (your orders), and you're upset he went against it... but then told him prior NOT to do anything on your birthday AND HE DIDN'T (following your orders) and you got pissy with him???

-He prioritises you over his own mother, I.e. he remembers your birthday and spends excessively for Christmas on you but disregards her's

So, constructive comments... don't tell him. He'll feel violated as he rightly should. It was his space, in a box you knew would be for you. You knew what you were doing and you knew it was wrong. He'll be thinking what else has she been doing, what else has she found, does she go through my stuff routinely??? You want to keep up this facade of being a nice person, act sweet and grateful on the day you receive it. Ask any woman, any online survey, what they look for as number one when it comes to men and that is usually trust. It should go both ways.

BTW, these aren't all my thoughts, I'm actually paralleling the responses I've seen when a similar situation occurred with the genders reversed on MN. :)

Said box is opened and in the corner next to the sofa where DD could grab any of the items from - definitely not in a private place.

regarding the birthday. I don’t want to DO anything as I’m 8.5 months pregnant in my eyes doesn’t translate as don’t but a card and some petrol station flowers to make a token effort.
he has his pins as my birthday so he doesn’t forget 😂.
he is definitely an emotional robot, didn’t cry when he had to put his dog down or never cried at a funeral ect. I would say my over-emotionless makes me less superior and wish I could not give a shit like him often.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:58

Tirrrrred · 03/12/2022 11:06

When you say opened what do you mean?

Were they wrapped up?

Down the side of the sofa in an opened box. Not hidden or wrapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:59

Needmorelego · 03/12/2022 11:05

Is there something out there that you actually want that costs £10? I could find lots of goodies for myself with a tenner but some people would find it hard if they haven't been given idea suggestions.
I would tell him the truth. He could either return the gifts or if too late sell them to get some money back.
Then... for fun...stick to the £10 rule but you buy for yourself, he does himself and on Christmas morning you get the suprise of seeing what each other chose for themselves.

Lots of things in primary would have done so he got to feel like he got me something. I hate the indulgence of Xmas and think small token gifts are better than expensive ones you have to pretend to like and don’t really want.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2022 12:00

I just think you seem a bit lost in the emotions of it all OP and have attached far too much to it. Why does it really matter? If you want specific things from a specific place then go and buy them yourself , there is no loss here.

You've mentioned a number of times that you've had a hard time so perhaps he knows that and has tried to do a nice thing. Turning it every which way into some sort of huge failing on his part isn't going to get you anywhere other than more misery and then more again when you point it out.

I'd just stick to the agreed limit. My DP always spends far more on me than I do him because I like receiving gifts and he hates it. We commit to getting each other a few small value things to unwrap on the day and otherwise I either tell him what I want when he asks or we naturally will be out together and I'll spot something I love and he will offer to get it and put away for xmas. This year I saw a lovely little oil painting in an antique shop and he picked up the bill for that and will wrap it for xmas. I'm very much looking forward to seeing it again and putting it up!

If you're otherwise happy then I'd pick your battles and have a good think about why you feel this way and where it all comes from.

CarefreeMe · 03/12/2022 12:01

I can't be the only one feeling sorry for your DP! He did exactly what you said about your birthday and he's still wrong, and don't pull the 'oh but I was pregnant' excuse, that's rubbish. Maybe next year don't go snooping when he's out. I've had presents I don't like, he once bought me the book that I'd pointed out to him in Waterstones with the words 'Whatever you buy, I don't want that'! Apparently he remembered I'd mentioned it but not the details.

I agree.

And no one would go snooping through presents unless they were trying to make an issue out of them.

I would suggest having an agreement that they don’t buy for each other in the future but I’m sure OP would find something to moan about.

Moral of the story:
Don’t snoop in presents that you know are for you.

Next year each pick out a gift that you both want and get the other person to buy it.
No surprises.
No disappointment.
No buying unwanted things.

C1N1C · 03/12/2022 12:02

Dawb · 03/12/2022 11:34

all of the above! I’ve got over the birthday 2 years ago and he was really sorry. He makes up for it in other ways. Upset about going over the agreed limit and not really thinking. I have specific tastes (think toy type brands) and what he has got I’ve never heard of or mentioned to him. If he has tried (his own kind of weird best) I don’t want to be mean.

Seriously?! "He makes up for it in other ways"??? YOU were the problem! This was nothing for him to make up, YOU told him not to get you anything and he didn't! He's proven he's damned both ways, either he follows what you say and gets in trouble or he doesn't and still get on trouble.

Glad I don't have his number or I'd be on the phone to him right how telling him to run.

Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:03

I was once really disappointed when I came across an electric toothbrush that was clearly my Christmas present - it was. I think we should accept all gifts with graciousness, but I’d really listened to DH that year and tried hard and a toothbrush felt like a cop out.

Anyway, turned out to be one the best gifts I’ve ever gotten, I love it still all these years later and would never have bought one for myself!

You have a choice - you can either be honest and say they’re not your thing and return them or you can suck it up and pretend to love them. Can’t advice either way, only you know your relationship.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:04

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/12/2022 11:20

I think the issue goes beyond the items in the box to be honest. He’s unromantic and robotic and doesn’t really know what you like.

I think if this happened to me I would brush it off and think bless him the silly fool and I would pretend to be happy. That’s because I’m happy in our relationship. I think the issue goes beyond the items in the box.

You are the winner of the replies. This is so true. I cannot moan about anything else in our relationship except for the birthdays and Xmas where he can never get it right. I am lucky in every other way as he is to have me too.

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/12/2022 12:05

Dawb · 03/12/2022 09:44

So DP has taken DD to soft play this morning (rare). I’m using the time to have a clean around and found a box from my favourite website shop and decided to open it. I know very bad. I realised it was my Xmas gifts and still chose to open it while no one was in. The website isn’t designer or major expensive, but not cheap either.

The box contains nothing I like at all. The site sells different brands (think retro) and I’ve never heard of a few of them in the box. A few others completely inappropriate (think allergies to cosmetics).

I feel so so mean literally not liking any of it. He has spent I would say at least £150 on a load of expensive tat. I wouldn’t wear or use any of it.

DP is far from romantic. He does try but I think due to his upbringing he is a bit of a robot. I feel so so mean telling him - ‘thanks for trying but what on earth were you thinking’. I’m also feeling a bit down that he really hasn’t got a clue - and probably never will.

Apart from not being romantic or spontaneous he is a lovely partner. Can’t discuss with my best friend as her DP is being such a CF at the moment and would kill for a DP like mine. What do I do? Please help!

Ungrateful much?

Lallaw · 03/12/2022 12:07

I couldn't knowingly open presents my OH bought me - I know his hiding place for my presents and I know he has had a couple of deliveries - I could go in there right now and have a gander but I wouldn't.

You seem very fixed in your expectations - and you seem to think your partner should be a mind reader. he isn't (obviously).

You need Christmas lists from now on if you don't want financial waste.

Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:07

he is definitely an emotional robot, didn’t cry when he had to put his dog down or never cried at a funeral ect. I would say my over-emotionless makes me less superior and wish I could not give a shit like him often.

This is also really mean. Not showing emotion and not having emotion are two different things. Men are often raised to not be allowed to show emotion, that doesn’t mean he is a ‘robot’ or doesn’t have feelings, it just means he was probably told never to display them. It sounds like he has put effort in for you, so don’t dismiss his potential feelings when you make your decision.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:09

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/12/2022 12:00

I just think you seem a bit lost in the emotions of it all OP and have attached far too much to it. Why does it really matter? If you want specific things from a specific place then go and buy them yourself , there is no loss here.

You've mentioned a number of times that you've had a hard time so perhaps he knows that and has tried to do a nice thing. Turning it every which way into some sort of huge failing on his part isn't going to get you anywhere other than more misery and then more again when you point it out.

I'd just stick to the agreed limit. My DP always spends far more on me than I do him because I like receiving gifts and he hates it. We commit to getting each other a few small value things to unwrap on the day and otherwise I either tell him what I want when he asks or we naturally will be out together and I'll spot something I love and he will offer to get it and put away for xmas. This year I saw a lovely little oil painting in an antique shop and he picked up the bill for that and will wrap it for xmas. I'm very much looking forward to seeing it again and putting it up!

If you're otherwise happy then I'd pick your battles and have a good think about why you feel this way and where it all comes from.

amazing advice thanks!

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 03/12/2022 12:11

Dawb · 03/12/2022 10:24

DP doesn’t know when his mum’s birthday is and I buy and organise everything. He only gets for me. Eg last week… ‘shit it was (insert HIS goddaughter’s name) birthday last week. I feel so bad I completely forgot!’ To which I responded I gave X’s mum a card at (another child’s) birthday party. I asked her a few months ago what she wanted and she said she would like (activity). I organised it with X’s mum and we are all meeting at the activity on X date. The activity she requested and the time was written in the card for her to open on her birthday.

What on earth is this all about? Why wouldn't you have mentioned that you'd organised that thing for his goddaughter? Why wait until he's at the point of thinking it had been forgotten?

I get the feeling you enjoy seeing him mess up with these things, which is why you're sniffing around for gifts and rejecting them in advance. You seem to want to be the gift hero. He does know when his mum's birthday is, don't be ridiculous.

ThatGirlInACountrySong · 03/12/2022 12:12

Hellno44 · 03/12/2022 10:59

Smile and say thank you. I got pink sock last year.

Just the one sock?

PickyEaters · 03/12/2022 12:12

I'm sure the shop will exchange them for something you want after Christmas… and probably won't even remember what the actual items were. In the meantime, act surprised and pretend to be thankful.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:12

SagittariusDwarf · 03/12/2022 11:51

I reckon the £150 is for someone else.

Show quote history

Sorry to ruin anyone’s Emma Thompson moments but it’s definitely not. If it makes anyone feel better that I, the spoilt brat ungrateful poster is going to have a nasty shock on Xmas day please do!
(I will infact be in 24’ heat at 5* AI hotel with lovely DD and great- but shit at buying gifts DP because I work hard all year and can)

OP posts:
PickyEaters · 03/12/2022 12:12

he probably won't...

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:15

LubaLuca · 03/12/2022 12:11

What on earth is this all about? Why wouldn't you have mentioned that you'd organised that thing for his goddaughter? Why wait until he's at the point of thinking it had been forgotten?

I get the feeling you enjoy seeing him mess up with these things, which is why you're sniffing around for gifts and rejecting them in advance. You seem to want to be the gift hero. He does know when his mum's birthday is, don't be ridiculous.

Show quote history

just asked when is your mum’s birthday? He said hmmmmm isn’t it in your diary? Don’t say we missed it I rely on you for that. Case closed.
I did tell him on the way back from the child’s party that I’d given his god daughters mum and gift and he forgot. When I reminded him he said oh year forgot you had sorted that. Thanks.
leaving gifts next to the sofa in an open box is hardly sniffing around.

OP posts:
Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:16

Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:12

Sorry to ruin anyone’s Emma Thompson moments but it’s definitely not. If it makes anyone feel better that I, the spoilt brat ungrateful poster is going to have a nasty shock on Xmas day please do!
(I will infact be in 24’ heat at 5* AI hotel with lovely DD and great- but shit at buying gifts DP because I work hard all year and can)

Show quote history

If he’s great why are you being so mean about him and calling him robotic and saying he doesn’t get you?

You are coming across brattish. If you’re looking forward to your Christmas away (no thanks) with your perfect family then just enjoy it and stop bitching about the tiniest thing?

You are aware that there are people on here who won’t get any presents this year at all because they can’t afford it? It’s okay to complain, but all you’ve done is whinged about your husband then said that he and your family are perfect when anyone has challenged you. You need some inner perspective. And to grow up.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:18

C1N1C · 03/12/2022 12:02

Seriously?! "He makes up for it in other ways"??? YOU were the problem! This was nothing for him to make up, YOU told him not to get you anything and he didn't! He's proven he's damned both ways, either he follows what you say and gets in trouble or he doesn't and still get on trouble.

Glad I don't have his number or I'd be on the phone to him right how telling him to run.

Show quote history

C1N1C obviously cannot read. Can’t argue with stupid :)

OP posts:
C1N1C · 03/12/2022 12:18

DarkKarmaIlama · 03/12/2022 11:20

I think the issue goes beyond the items in the box to be honest. He’s unromantic and robotic and doesn’t really know what you like.

I think if this happened to me I would brush it off and think bless him the silly fool and I would pretend to be happy. That’s because I’m happy in our relationship. I think the issue goes beyond the items in the box.

I apologise to all the nice women in here but that is a horribly female chauvinistic response.

He 'obeyed' in not getting her anything when she told him not to. He then learned from his mistake after she got grumpy by spending 15x what she had set to surprise her and make up for a mistake that he didn't make. Clothing, makeup, perfume etc are VERY personal and you could be with someone for years and still not quite get it right as there are subtle nuances to everything.

You're swinging it to make him the bad guy... "unromantic, robot, doesn't know what you like"... he WAS romantic. He planned it weeks in advance, her favourite brand, spent over the limit, a variety of items, learned from his 'mistake'... then belittle/patronise him by calling him a silly fool... I'd agree... he's a silly fool for trying.

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:19

PickyEaters · 03/12/2022 12:12

I'm sure the shop will exchange them for something you want after Christmas… and probably won't even remember what the actual items were. In the meantime, act surprised and pretend to be thankful.

You are so right. If I asked what he had got he wouldn’t remember. Thanks for lovely advice.

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 03/12/2022 12:19

YANBU.
At all.

I hate surprises.
DH knows this and also knows that he "buys a receipt" for me, when I don't want the bother of returns etc.

Do you think any of it can be returned after Christmas?

Or can your re-gift for birthdays to friends/relatives?

I think going forwards you will have to accept/specify 💐🍫🍾 or just a card.

Me n DH don't bother now. If he wants something, we buy it...If I want something, we buy it.

I spend more money on Dreamies for the 😻😻

Original poster
Dawb · 03/12/2022 12:23

Wheatandchaffinch · 03/12/2022 12:16

If he’s great why are you being so mean about him and calling him robotic and saying he doesn’t get you?

You are coming across brattish. If you’re looking forward to your Christmas away (no thanks) with your perfect family then just enjoy it and stop bitching about the tiniest thing?

You are aware that there are people on here who won’t get any presents this year at all because they can’t afford it? It’s okay to complain, but all you’ve done is whinged about your husband then said that he and your family are perfect when anyone has challenged you. You need some inner perspective. And to grow up.

Show quote history

I’m not sorry I work my arse off all year, work full time, have a side hustle, go without, drive a shit car, don’t have expensive tastes so I can actually afford the things I want. Wish my friends could back me up here. I contacted ALL my excellent condition baby bits to women’s aid after they helped me as I know how it feels to have F all. I bounced back and started from nothing and have worked so hard to be where I am now.

OP posts: