Do you tell the kids about the OW?

[LoveHarry]

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

[VillageCottageEmo]

I didn’t tell my DD (admittedly a toddler at the time), and I still hadn’t told them years later.

She dropped herself in it, by wanging on about something they’d done together years ago (a weekend away, when he’d told me he was working away…).

Youngest DD (12 at the time) looked at her and said, deadpan “Tell me how it’s possible for that to have happened when my mother was heavily pregnant with me in September 2008”

Oooft.

DD didn’t have a great relationship with her Dad anyway, as he basically swanned off and lived as if he didn’t have a child, OW was never very nice to her, and I’m not convinced OW didn’t slip that out on purpose, to be honest.

[Bananarama21]

Please don't tell they about ow. It's coming up to christmas, obviously tell them your not going to be together but don't meantion everything else it will hard enough on them.

[Beetlewings]

No I don't think so.
I posted something similar recently, and I am in a similar situation to yours. However, I realise now (thanks to wise mumsnet) that my need to be upfront with my kids (as I always have done) doesn't stretch this far.
Apart from anything else, it's not my (your) story to tell, let him do it if he wants to.

[toomuchlaundry]

Are they going to live together?

[Itsbeenashortyear]

I absolutely wouldn’t. My kids were 12 and 5 when we split. No OW but some other equally awful behaviour on his part.

They don’t need to know the details. It should all be about what’s best for the kids. Not what the parents want to share.

As it worked out my kids (6 years later) figured things out on their own and don’t really see their Dad. But they still don’t need to know the ins and outs of their parents relationships.

[icelollycraving]

If it’s a school mum, I’d tell them. Better from you than kids at school.

[PeterRabbitHadACarrot]

I would tell them that their age.
My parents split when I was 3, my mother told me about the OW. I don't think I properly understood until 6 or 7. My mother and I are close and always had an open/ honest relationship. I wouldn't hide it from my children - why should the mother have to cover up for the fathers wrong doings?
In my teens I reached the conclusion my dad was a complete ass, as was my stepmother and opted nothing more to do with them. Which has lasted many years and absolutely the right decision.

[vivaespanaole]

No. I think that level of detail about why a marriage has ended is relevant between parents but not between parents and such young children.

At that age its context they don't need. As it makes them think about loyalty right and wrong and taking sides etc. Which doesn't fit with your description of how you want to present the split to them.

Additional context can always be gently provided in layers if needed they dont have to know everything in one big bang.

However, all of this as you say is only going to work if he is discreet and doesn't rush into things with OW. In my opinion they should not know of her existence for at least a yr. until they are feeling safe and loved and know where they stand in the world after the separation.

[LoveHarry]

That’s why I’m torn. I want to try and do the right thing and feel like that’s not saying anything. But what if they get blindsided and find out a different way.

Not sure of the lovebirds plans - but nothing immediate I don’t think.

I realise I sound calm. I’m not. But trying to focus on the practical.

I’ve already told him I won’t actively spread the word. But that I refuse to lie for him too.

(can’t say I wasn’t tempted on the class group chat to drop it into the conversation and then exit in a flounce though)

[Itsbeenashortyear]

@LoveHarry

That’s why I’m torn. I want to try and do the right thing and feel like that’s not saying anything. But what if they get blindsided and find out a different way.

Not sure of the lovebirds plans - but nothing immediate I don’t think.

I realise I sound calm. I’m not. But trying to focus on the practical.

I’ve already told him I won’t actively spread the word. But that I refuse to lie for him too.

(can’t say I wasn’t tempted on the class group chat to drop it into the conversation and then exit in a flounce though)

Where will they find out from? Playground gossip?

If they do you discuss it then.

It sounds like you really want to tell them (which I sort of get) and trying to find a way where it appears in their best interests to tell them.

[tryingsomethingnew]

I have no experience of this, but trying to put myself in your shoes. Im sorry that you have this happening to you. As hard as it is, can you ask husband to tell you as much as he can about his plans. Even if it hurts. If they are continuing the relationship- will she be telling her children- where is everyone going to live.

At the first convo with your children I would say nothing about OW. Prepare yourself with info so that you can be ready if they ask questions.

In all honesty, if he's been a good father- if he can be- the OW relationship might end and the question is will it affect the children's view of their father. Sorry not sure if you've said how old they are.

Wish you strength at this horrible time. You can get through this.

[tryingsomethingnew]

Ah they are older, 10 and 12. I'd still not say anything yet, but they are old enough to explain when the conversation comes up and tell husband it will.

[LoveHarry]

@Itsbeenashortyear

Where will they find out from? Playground gossip?

If they do you discuss it then.

It sounds like you really want to tell them (which I sort of get) and trying to find a way where it appears in their best interests to tell them.

You might be right. When I first found out I thought it would get known very quickly and I wanted to get in front of it

now I think its less likely it’s out there but I know at least one other person at school who does know so it’s not risk free

part of me probably does want it to come out but it’s not fair to the kids if it’s more about that than protecting them.

Thank you for calling me out on that. I’ll try not to let my semi conscious bias take me down the wrong direction

[LoveHarry]

I think it’s say nothing about OW and monitor how it goes. Our kids play sport together though so looking forward to that as well as the end of year school events. Joy!

still best to get them through it and I will make sure I have a large glass of wine ready for after

[Chesneyhawkes1]

My DH's Mum had an affair with the Dad of a school friend.

His Mum didn't tell him that was the reason her and his Dad split. But his friend did, in the middle of the playground in front of everyone. He said he remembers feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

[Sunshineandflipflops]

@vivaespanaole

No. I think that level of detail about why a marriage has ended is relevant between parents but not between parents and such young children.

At that age its context they don't need. As it makes them think about loyalty right and wrong and taking sides etc. Which doesn't fit with your description of how you want to present the split to them.

Additional context can always be gently provided in layers if needed they dont have to know everything in one big bang.

However, all of this as you say is only going to work if he is discreet and doesn't rush into things with OW. In my opinion they should not know of her existence for at least a yr. until they are feeling safe and loved and know where they stand in the world after the separation.

I agree with this.

My dc were a similar age when we split due to exh's affair.

We didn't tell them there was someone else (as much as I wanted to scream that it wasn't my fault that their dad was shagging someone else). We told them we loved them more than anything and that we are still friends (we weren't but we worked on it) and that we just weren't making each other happy any more.

It was heartbreaking but I didn't want any more damage than absolutely necessary and I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad, for everyone's sake. They were too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships.

Good luck op x

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

Could be done in two stages, first the split and then a follow up a week later about how daddy has a special friend that he likes.

The first main thing is controlling gossip, which is difficult and high risk so it’s likely they do need to know. But the second point is that they don’t need to know details or blame, they just need to hear that it is over, there is no chance of getting back together. Knowing of an OW will solidify that.

Not in exactly the same situation but your story mirrors my life at the moment. We’ve recently agreed we’re telling DC of OW (they know of separation) and it’ll be played down in terms of seriousness but that we are being truthful (as they believe we’re not being, so right for us to be honest). It also removes the question of reconciliation too.

PM me if you fancy a chat.

[BiscuitLover3678]

I wouldn’t unless they ask. My concern is that this ow isn’t even the real deal if he initially said he wanted to make things work!

[frazzledasarock]

They’ll find out if the OW and her family break up. As their child will find out as the mother will be seeing your STBXH.

Kids aren’t stupid, they’ll work it out. I’d prep for the fall out and don’t whatever you do lie to them.

[AngelDelightUK]

I think it will depend what her kids are told too. The last thing you want is one of her kids to tell yours that their mummy is with your children’s daddy

[Itsbeenashortyear]

@LoveHarry

You might be right. When I first found out I thought it would get known very quickly and I wanted to get in front of it

now I think its less likely it’s out there but I know at least one other person at school who does know so it’s not risk free

part of me probably does want it to come out but it’s not fair to the kids if it’s more about that than protecting them.

Thank you for calling me out on that. I’ll try not to let my semi conscious bias take me down the wrong direction

I do get you wanting to tell them. It’s unfair. He is turning their lives upside down. Not both of you.

I am 40. As much as I live my parents I knew far too much of their relationship growing up and it’s impacted me in many ways. I didn’t need to know the details. So I also come from biased point of view. We all do.

But what kids often hear is ‘my parent didn’t love us enough. He loved her more. There must be something wrong with me’. Regardless of how it’s put. Especially as part of the emotional conversation you will be having. The emotion they will feel about yeh split is enough without having the detail all at once.

If they do hear at school. You can talk to them then. By then it won’t be ‘we are splitting because your dad is a cheat’ it’s all too much in one go.

[plinkypots]

No child psychologist is ever going to tell you to give those kind of details to a child. It can really harm them and not in the ways you might imagine. Your children see themselves in their dad. They have a different bond. Infidelity tends to be repeated in generations. No chance I'd tell them without professional guidance. You're talking about seriously damaging them. It might feel good to tell them but that's not coming from a good place. They may find out from other sources but you can't control that. You can be there for them if that happens but I wouldn't cause it.

[Emptyinsidetothecore]

Kids aren’t stupid, they’ll work it out. I’d prep for the fall out and don’t whatever you do lie to them

I said this in my mediation meeting @frazzledasarock I get the whole trauma for kids on reasons/detail but it’s not like kids are not intuitive to what’s going on around them.

As a child of divorced parents, where dad was having affairs, I wasn’t told the truth at all until my aunty told me aged 17. It felt like my entire childhood was a lie and whilst I blamed my dad of course, I blamed my mum for lying too, and our relationship has never recovered from that. I get she did what she thought was right at the time, but I had opinions in my teens about right and wrong, and I should have been given all the information to make my only decision on what my dad did.

[Fridaynightmare]

I did tell them and yes it meant short term they were angry with their father but I thought it would give them reasoning as to why we were breaking up so suddenly and out of the blue (to them and to me).
My older ones were 13 and 11 but I didn't tell my then 5 year old as she too young to understand the concept.

The whole 'Dh has decided he doesn't love me anymore' didn't sit right with me as I didn't want the children to think well hold on can my parents all of a sudden just stop loving me and leave? Everyone looks for the why's in a sudden change in situation and I didn't think it was fair to the dc to not give them that. There are so any lies and secrets when an affair comes out and I also didn't want the dc to find out by accident and feel like both of us had lied to them. I didn't give them any level of detail and toned it down (left it at 'kissing someone else'.)


I knew that they might be angry in the beginning but at least they'd know the reason for the destruction of the family.
They've gone on to have a good relationship with their father and I have never bad mouthed him to them, although 2 1/2 years later they still have no interest in meeting the ow.

[EarthFireAirWater]

I don't have experience with telling the children separation news but I was the child whose parents divorced when I was 10.

Things I wish my parents had and hadn't done:
• I wish they communicated with each other and not put me in the middle. Ie. Tell your father that he needs to pay half for your xyz activity. Tell your mother that I am picking you up on Friday.
I hated it. Often those requests were done in a bitter or angry manner followed by a rant.

• I wish they hadn't used me as someone to vent to. Really messed me up. I learned things no child should have learned at that age.

• I wish they had checked I was mentally doing ok and maybe look into therapy for me. I was completely forgotten. Yes children are resilient and yes I got on with it but I withdrew within myself. I lost confidence. I now don't trust people. I struggle with friendships and I am insecure.

• Don't end up in a petty divorce battle. My parents had a horrible divorce through the courts. It damaged all of us to the point my mum tried to end her life. Waking up in the middle of the night and realising your mum wasn't anywhere in the house was traumatising (my nan was living with us so an adult was there). Don't put your children through that please seek help and support if you feel you are at breaking point.

• Don't grill your children about the new woman in dad's life and if she was there when it was his weekend. It made me so uncomfortable and I felt terrible guilt every time I visited my dad because I knew my mum found me being around OW very upsetting.

• Don't slag off OW or their dad (and your soon to be ex shouldn't slag off you) in front of your children, that's what friends are for or MN.

When it comes in telling them I wish it wasn't painted to me as the end of the world. The end of the life I knew. Try and keep calm and sugarcoat a lot. That everything is going to be ok and that you and dad are still good friends (even if you feel like kicking him off a cliff) just not madly in love. Don't start throwing accusations of who is at fault for the separation. The blame game caused me distress.

Unfortunately, you will need him to co-operate and be on the same page as you. My dad was the opposite of reasonable.

Wish you all the best.