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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you tell the kids about the OW?

188 replies

LoveHarry · 01/12/2022 07:38

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

OP posts:
threeandmeandthedog · 01/12/2022 10:32

I am in a similar situation currently. It’s very tough- you have my sympathy OP.

My kids are 11,13 and 15. Fortunately the OW is 100s of miles away.

we told them that we had tried hard to make our relationship work , but it wasn’t working anymore. We explained we would be separating , we still loved them and would put them first etc. They seemed to accept this but were very shocked as there had been no signs that they had picked up on (tbh I was pretty shocked too, but that’s another thread)

The DCs asked me lots of questions.
They asked if something had happened and what the reason was. We explained it was between us as adults, complicated and it was not to do with them. Reassured them we still love them etc.

They wanted to know why H had to move out to a small flat. He explained it was absolutely his choice, I hadn’t made him etc.

They wanted to know how it would effect Xmas, birthdays etc. So we have given them as much clarity as possible.

H has just moved out and it will be a huge change for the kids spending time 50:50 between two homes. I didn’t tell them truth at this point because —
•H and the OW is about me and H and not the kids. It’s our relationship that’s over and it means our family has to change, the detailed reasons aren’t necessary right now.

•It is important that the DC feel secure and safe as they adjust to change. They have a good relationship with thier dad and I don’t want them to feel stuck in the middle at a time of big change. They need to feel safe and secure and adjust to the new routine.

•Once they are settled, if they ask, we will sit down together and explain that Dad started a relationship outside of our marriage, that this was not ok and as a result we have decided to end our marriage, however it had been difficult before this and sometimes marriages end this way. (This is the truth)

As much as I would like to tell them now I don’t think it’s fair when they are just getting used to our split. I also honestly know that I did tell them now it would be far more about my feelings and me wanting to blame and punish thier dad than about their best interests.

Everyone is different and you have to work out what’s best for you and your kids. Good luck OP, it’s tough.

Poundofflesh · 01/12/2022 10:32

As someone who found out from my friends at school, I agree with PPs saying an age appropriate version of the truth would be best! You need to talk to STBXH about what his plans are with the OW and give him a chance to tell DC if it’s going to be a long-term thing. This is what my DM did and DF refused to tell us so she had to do it as she was worried about us finding out at school. I had already been told by friends but I never told DM that as I could see how hard it was for her to have to be the one to tell us and I also didn’t want her to be annoyed with DF. She didn’t tell us he’d had an affair, she just said he was seeing someone else, I didn’t put 2 and 2 together at the time even though this was a couple of weeks after they’d split up so your DC probably won’t immediately either if they’re told there’s a new woman on the scene. I found out the gory details gradually over the next few years.

Shodan · 01/12/2022 10:34

Can I just say, OP, as the child of a mother who told me repeatedly, bitterly and with venom about my Dad 'dipping his wick elsewhere' being the reason they divorced, I applaud your calm and measured posts, at a time when I'm sure you are feeling anything but.

Purely as my own anecdotal experience- I didn't need to know that detail. It was how both my parents behaved after the divorce that mattered. Mum, unfortunately, held onto her bitterness and venom until the day she died and it did her no favours.

Boolyboo · 01/12/2022 10:34

No advice about telling the children, but huge hugs for you. I have been in your exact position with a school mum too and it was awful. Made me feel so uncomfortable at school drop offs and pick ups and any events when she would be there. Basically they both ruined my experiences at school for my children (hopefully you’re stronger than me and can hold your head high).
You’re being so brave xx

threeandmeandthedog · 01/12/2022 10:35

I meant to say it’s a harder decision for you because your DC might well find out on the playground. So your plan of finding out what OW is telling her DC may be helpful I. Working out what to say.

NotToBeShaked · 01/12/2022 10:35

Idiot ex introduced DC to the OW within a week of leaving the family home. He was 14, not stupid and asked me if she was the reason ex left the home (along with dad's behaviour).

DC hasn't spoke to him since. It's been 7 years. Despite me encouraging contact at the beginning.

Oopsiedaisyy · 01/12/2022 10:37

My situation was a bit different (and easier, i hadn't been shagging a school dad, but someone completely unknown to my then DH) but the kids don't know, neither of us have told them.

It will be a conversation for some point i expect, when they are older but is it really fair to expect children to understand the complexities of adult relationships?

girlmom21 · 01/12/2022 10:39

If you're planning on being amicable with everyone, I'd try and agree between all 4 of you what next steps are.

You don't want their children's nan or angry family member spilling it by accident and them then telling your children, for example.

AccioChocolate · 01/12/2022 10:48

VillageCottageEmo · 01/12/2022 07:45

I didn’t tell my DD (admittedly a toddler at the time), and I still hadn’t told them years later.

She dropped herself in it, by wanging on about something they’d done together years ago (a weekend away, when he’d told me he was working away…).

Youngest DD (12 at the time) looked at her and said, deadpan “Tell me how it’s possible for that to have happened when my mother was heavily pregnant with me in September 2008”

Oooft.

DD didn’t have a great relationship with her Dad anyway, as he basically swanned off and lived as if he didn’t have a child, OW was never very nice to her, and I’m not convinced OW didn’t slip that out on purpose, to be honest.

Wow. Well done to your dd to picking her up on it!

Op I think I'd probably tell them in child appropriate language.

AccioChocolate · 01/12/2022 10:48

It won't end their relationship, he can do damage control but it means he has to be the one to repair any trauma from this any means there is no fall out in your relationships

CactusKiller · 01/12/2022 10:59

Sorry you're going through this OP. Definitely your kids need to know there's a third party but that disclosure should come from their Dad, when you're all together. He doesn't have to go into detail, but he needs to own it. I was that age when my parents began down the road to separation on account of my mother's affair. It is the age when you start to see your parents as 3D people in their own right, not just as your mum and dad, so you need to think about what example you will both be setting. I "pieced it together myself", over the years, starting that day, but felt such betrayal from both of my parents that it's permanently damaged our relationships, (my siblings from my mother too), and we're partly estranged now as adults. My mother still hasn't "come clean". The lack of open honesty from my parents also created misinformation and discord throughout the extended family depending on who knew how much, cause life long rifts. If you don't tell your kids they will find out the hard way anyway, and will also learn that lying, secrets and selfishness are a normal part of family relationships. Seriously, tell them.

ScrambledOrPoached · 01/12/2022 11:02

My instinct is no, but you need to talk to him. Is he planning on introducing them to her soon? Is he happy to keep his relationship a secret?

I have friends who have actually been the ones who have cheated and their husbands couldnt wait to tell the children what mummy did. It’s caused so many issues between the family as a whole, and broken the kids.

MsProbably · 01/12/2022 11:09

I hope this isn't insensitive... but as a reception parent I can't see yet how the affair might have arisen - how do you think it started? Do you socialise a lot together? Was the other mum someone you considered a friend? Sorry, OP I don't want to make you feel worseI I guess there's a grim fascination about wondering if I should be on higher alert or something!

merlotlover · 01/12/2022 11:41

Kids don't need to know everything. I would ask your ex to be mindful and not make it obvious at school etc like them both picking the kids up together etc until they are both in a settled relationship.
I'm sorry you're going thru this, when it happened to me my lo was only one

merlotlover · 01/12/2022 11:43

Also if it's a school thing it will soon go round unfortunately like gossip so they may well find out so I'm changing my mind and it might be kinder to come from you
Good luck

sweetgingercat · 01/12/2022 11:45

Something similar happened in my son’s class. Both parents split but the culprits did not end up together. One of the mum’s had cancer at the time. She left all of the WhatsApp groups we were part of and when questioned about this told a few mums who were very discreet. I got to find out about a year later when she told me at a party. The other mum who had the affair has largely been dropped by everyone as far as I can see. I would not want this to spread around because my son is friends with both boys and I would not want him to know. I guess it depends on how the other couple decides to deal with it but I think the risk of your children finding out is small because few parents would want to have a conversation about it with their children.

Pineconederby · 01/12/2022 12:05

I’d tell them. Better than than coming from someone in the school yard! I wouldn’t lie but I wouldn’t hide what their father has done, either. Doing that risks them working out you’ve lied to them too later on.

Buildingthefuture · 01/12/2022 12:07

If there was no chance of them finding out, I would say nothing at least initially and stick with the "we both love you very much but..." line. However, since this is a school mum (and can I just say on your behalf, what an utter pair of shit bags Angry) and in full awareness of how much people like to gossip, and the age of your DC, I would tell them. Being blindsided in the playground, on top of finding out their parents are separating, will be far more damaging than giving them a watered-down version of the truth.

Also, do you know what the OW and her husband are planning on telling their DC? Because if they are all at the same school, it might be taken out of your hands.

Marineboy67 · 01/12/2022 12:11

I think you should tell them before the kids at school find out. They'll have a hell of time finding out that way

sneezingpandamum · 01/12/2022 12:14

To be honest I'd be telling them truth before they hear it from someone else

I don't lie as to why my ex left - why should I protect him. It's not me who should feel embarrassed or ashamed

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2022 12:15

The only other thing you need to consider if you don't tell them, is that if they do find out, are devestated but think you don't know.
They will be left with that horrible burden of do they tell you, or do they try to keep it secret so as not to upset you? That would be such a painful thing for them to have to decide on and live with.

theleafandnotthetree · 01/12/2022 12:20

threeandmeandthedog · 01/12/2022 10:32

I am in a similar situation currently. It’s very tough- you have my sympathy OP.

My kids are 11,13 and 15. Fortunately the OW is 100s of miles away.

we told them that we had tried hard to make our relationship work , but it wasn’t working anymore. We explained we would be separating , we still loved them and would put them first etc. They seemed to accept this but were very shocked as there had been no signs that they had picked up on (tbh I was pretty shocked too, but that’s another thread)

The DCs asked me lots of questions.
They asked if something had happened and what the reason was. We explained it was between us as adults, complicated and it was not to do with them. Reassured them we still love them etc.

They wanted to know why H had to move out to a small flat. He explained it was absolutely his choice, I hadn’t made him etc.

They wanted to know how it would effect Xmas, birthdays etc. So we have given them as much clarity as possible.

H has just moved out and it will be a huge change for the kids spending time 50:50 between two homes. I didn’t tell them truth at this point because —
•H and the OW is about me and H and not the kids. It’s our relationship that’s over and it means our family has to change, the detailed reasons aren’t necessary right now.

•It is important that the DC feel secure and safe as they adjust to change. They have a good relationship with thier dad and I don’t want them to feel stuck in the middle at a time of big change. They need to feel safe and secure and adjust to the new routine.

•Once they are settled, if they ask, we will sit down together and explain that Dad started a relationship outside of our marriage, that this was not ok and as a result we have decided to end our marriage, however it had been difficult before this and sometimes marriages end this way. (This is the truth)

As much as I would like to tell them now I don’t think it’s fair when they are just getting used to our split. I also honestly know that I did tell them now it would be far more about my feelings and me wanting to blame and punish thier dad than about their best interests.

Everyone is different and you have to work out what’s best for you and your kids. Good luck OP, it’s tough.

You sound an amazing mum. And person! There aren't too many who could take such a measured and thoughtful approach

Sunshineandflipflops · 01/12/2022 12:26

threeandmeandthedog · 01/12/2022 10:32

I am in a similar situation currently. It’s very tough- you have my sympathy OP.

My kids are 11,13 and 15. Fortunately the OW is 100s of miles away.

we told them that we had tried hard to make our relationship work , but it wasn’t working anymore. We explained we would be separating , we still loved them and would put them first etc. They seemed to accept this but were very shocked as there had been no signs that they had picked up on (tbh I was pretty shocked too, but that’s another thread)

The DCs asked me lots of questions.
They asked if something had happened and what the reason was. We explained it was between us as adults, complicated and it was not to do with them. Reassured them we still love them etc.

They wanted to know why H had to move out to a small flat. He explained it was absolutely his choice, I hadn’t made him etc.

They wanted to know how it would effect Xmas, birthdays etc. So we have given them as much clarity as possible.

H has just moved out and it will be a huge change for the kids spending time 50:50 between two homes. I didn’t tell them truth at this point because —
•H and the OW is about me and H and not the kids. It’s our relationship that’s over and it means our family has to change, the detailed reasons aren’t necessary right now.

•It is important that the DC feel secure and safe as they adjust to change. They have a good relationship with thier dad and I don’t want them to feel stuck in the middle at a time of big change. They need to feel safe and secure and adjust to the new routine.

•Once they are settled, if they ask, we will sit down together and explain that Dad started a relationship outside of our marriage, that this was not ok and as a result we have decided to end our marriage, however it had been difficult before this and sometimes marriages end this way. (This is the truth)

As much as I would like to tell them now I don’t think it’s fair when they are just getting used to our split. I also honestly know that I did tell them now it would be far more about my feelings and me wanting to blame and punish thier dad than about their best interests.

Everyone is different and you have to work out what’s best for you and your kids. Good luck OP, it’s tough.

This is the view I took.

My dc are now 15 and 16 (were 11 & 12 at the time) and I always said to exh that if they ask me when they are older, I won't lie to them about why the marriage ended (we said we weren't making each other happy anymore) but they didn't need the gory details and it wasn't appropriate anyway.

villamariavintrapp · 01/12/2022 12:32

Well they're going to ask why, I'd tell them the truth. In an age appropriate way. Otherwise you'll have to think of a lie, and stick to it forever or tell them that you were lying. They'll be upset, kids blame themselves when things don't make sense to them. The truth will explain things and they'll trust you.

Elsiebear90 · 01/12/2022 12:33

It’s hard because if I was them I would have appreciated the honesty and they are very likely to find out at some point and may feel betrayed by both of you and also, why should you have to lie to protect him.

However, my wife’s dad had an affair and her mum told her about it in great detail at the time they split (she was 18 at the time), to this day she believes it would have been better if she didn’t know as it changed her view of her dad and harmed their relationship for a number of years despite him being an excellent father (her brother won’t speak to him to this day 16 years later). Now she’s older she now realises her parent’s relationship was awful long before the affair and her mother was abusive towards him, but at the time she blamed him for everything because he had the affair and chose to leave.

Not saying your relationship was at all like this or you have any blame for what’s happened at all, but children tend to think in very black and white ways and will want someone to blame and take their anger about the situation out on, so while I agree you shouldn’t need to protect him and lie for him, it may harm your children a lot more to know the truth. Their relationship with their father is separate to his relationship with you and his affair, but knowing about the affair will almost certainly impact on their relationship with him, is this something you want for them if you can prevent it?