Do you tell the kids about the OW?

[LoveHarry]

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

I wouldn’t lie for him, tell his family & friends she’s the women he left you for. Keep going, you’re doing so well and if their relationship can’t take a few texts from you then it won’t last will it? She’s always going to be wondering when he does the same to her

Definitely don’t lie for him.

People will realise the truth, my ex’s latest lie is that he and the OW got together a year after we split!

He’s so desperate to not look like the bad guy.

Respect again OP for how you are handling this, however no way would I apologise to the silly OW or allow their lies as next they will be blaming you for the whole marriage break up. I would make sure everyone knows the time-line of how it all went down. You should not be a scapegoat for your husband's shitty behaviour.

Well I had an affair with a man whose children were in the same school as mine, whose wife I sort of knew. That is bad enough, an objectively shitty and hideously complicated thing to do. To add to it with the subsequent outrageous behaviour as has happened here is like continuing to wield the knife over and over again. OP, you sound an incredible woman, there are few who would have handled it with as much dignity and grace as you have.

Don’t lie for them, tell anyone who asks the truth, factually.

dont apologise to her for anything. If he gets pissy, tell him to leave you out of his sordid affair.

I can't believe she broke it off on such a flimsy premise. Definitely the right move to tactically apologise, very galling though.

I guess you need to think about what's going to happen when it's over for good and getting as much as you can lined up before then.

The importance of a co parenting relationship doesn't mean allowing your self to emotionally steam rolled by your children's other parent and their partner at your expense.

You are under zero obligation to have any contact with her. Block her on everything now. Everything is to go through him. As difficult as it is you will need to let somethings go. The reality is two people with low enough morals and emotional intelligence to have an affair with another parent from their children's school risking blowing up all their children's life s in a spectacular fashion are not going to prioritize those children's emotional needs. If they were they wouldn't have had an affair with each other.

Stop lying on their behalf right now. Also be prepared for the fact it's likely your children will find out about the affair. People gossip.

Stop allowing them to re write the history of your relationship and life to demonise you for their benefit. You will only be able to take so much before cracking.

Not telling about dad's wrongdoing is protecting the dad not the kids. Society is so stuck on extremely high expectations from mothers who are deemed a failure if they don't self sacrifice for their kids, whilst dads can sleep with whoever and are still heroes.
If they are not toddlers I'd tell them or they'll blame you and him for ruining their lives when ot is his choice only. It is not your fault, any distress caused on the children is the cheater's fault 100%

They are a pair of nasty bastards OP. And you are admirable.
Im never surprised by the lies people tell
Themselves to make them feel better about their own behaviour. She isn't a good person. And neither is he. You are however and that's all that counts in the end.

It’s been a long time since I posted all of this but thought I would share a quick update. This may come as an absolute shock but ex h and the OW relationship did not last. They made it to about a year - lots of fighting and it got toxic.

i wouldn’t have cared but it impacted the kids who a) were forced to play happy families for much of that time and then b) were exposed to a lot of the drama. I had them in counselling and the psychologist reached out to strongly advise they weren’t exposed to ‘grown up’ discussions between ex-h and OW.

Anyway life got a lot calmer after that. We are sharing parenting ok and other than a small blip last year where he thought it might be on the cards we would get back together (OMFG, not in a million years), things are ok.

Terrible at the time but my life did get better and is better for the split. The counselling for the kids helped them - gave them a safe space to talk and to grieve which was important. They weren’t unscathed and no doubt will figure their dad out at some point but appreciated the advice I got here at the time as it did help to navigate with their best interests at heart.

You have come across dignified in the way you handled the split. Your children will eventually realise what their dad is about. I wish you and your children well with your continued recovery.

@LoveHarry thanks for the update and great to read that you and your family are doing well. 👏

@LoveHarry glad you've come out the other end. Good for you.