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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you tell the kids about the OW?

188 replies

LoveHarry · 01/12/2022 07:38

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

OP posts:
Unicorn1919 · 01/12/2022 08:33

In my view I would say please tell them. It would be awful for them if it came out in the playground and it most likely will. Being completely honest is the best way to retain the trust of your children at such a difficult time.

Emptyinsidetothecore · 01/12/2022 08:34

Just to stress, it’s all in a script you need to agree. It shouldn’t be detail it should be around the lines of:

  • mum and dad think we will be happier single than together
  • we love you so much and are committed to equally being there for you for ever
  • we will always put you first and make decisions jointly on you
  • we will never ask you to choose and will speak to you about things that will affect you

If you choose to the tell on the OW

  • daddy has a special friend who he likes.
  • he is going to date her and see if he likes her more, he isn’t sure yet as it’s very early days.
  • daddy will always put your first regardless of any one else

Even writing that out I feel sick as need to do something similar (I know the majority are saying you shouldn’t but we have to because the relationship can’t be contained as too many people know)

Original poster
LoveHarry · 01/12/2022 08:34

This is all such great advice. I think I need to find out what she is planning to say or not say. The dad was the one who told me he has told one person (a close friend)

if it’s not going to be broadcast then I think nothing now -and very carefully step through

def agree to keep it civil, more than civil. And not do the blame game on anyone or make them feel it either.

planning to align on the message tonight so we are prepared. Some good food for thought here on how to approach it and questions to be ready for

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 01/12/2022 08:41

What an awful situation, so sorry for you.
It all depends on how it progresses with OW. It was a fling, I wouldn’t tell kids. If they are still together after Christmas, I probably would.

pilates · 01/12/2022 08:41

What an awful situation you are in, so sorry.
I would tell them the minimal honest truth.
It would be awful for them to find out secondhand and especially at school. If they are serious and it’s not just a fling, I would tell your children at the same time other woman tells her children. And I wouldn’t slag him off to the children either. If he is a wrong’un the children will soon work that one out.

Emptyinsidetothecore · 01/12/2022 08:41

@LoveHarry this document was sent to me by our mediator which I’ve found very useful to read. It brings it back to the DC, and not blame.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/download/7037 (Might take a while to download, it’s about 22mb)

billy1966 · 01/12/2022 08:55

pilates · 01/12/2022 08:41

What an awful situation you are in, so sorry.
I would tell them the minimal honest truth.
It would be awful for them to find out secondhand and especially at school. If they are serious and it’s not just a fling, I would tell your children at the same time other woman tells her children. And I wouldn’t slag him off to the children either. If he is a wrong’un the children will soon work that one out.

You poor woman.

So much of what you have been advised to say is excellent.

The only thing that has outed this situation and other types of gossip is parents of classmates overhearing their parents speaking at home and then repeating it to their friend group in school and those children then telling THEIR parents.

I think the likelihood of this not getting out is slim.

The hair stood up on my head a few times at what my children came home with and it was ALWAYS their friends overhearing their parents chatting.

You really do not want your children hearing this in school about the mum of another child and their dad.

What a piece of work your husband is doing this to his family within the school community.

That wasn't the case with my children but the gossip was similar.

They are always better off hearing it first from you where they have a safe private place to try and process.

The school yard is NOT that place.

I would also give their teachers the heads up.

forlornlorna1 · 01/12/2022 08:59

Kids are smart. I've no doubt you'll have the talk, they'll be upset, come back a day or so later with a lot of questions and one of those will be to ask if there's another woman. I'd answer truthfully. But only if they ask.

Hope you're doing ok x

Newlifestartingatlast · 01/12/2022 09:04

I divorced last year after 30 year marriage .
we did not tell even out grown up adult children (mid/late 20’s) the real reasons
Ok, easier, they were older, knew we had difficulties . The reason given was my ex had stopped taking his meds for his severe and enduring mental illness, and whilst he was completely entitled to do that, I couldn’t live with him in those circumstances. So we were going to live separately, but still got on as friends etc etc

what I didn’t say was that to live with him was a safeguarding issue . Before he’d gone onto meds (around 15 years earlier) he’d abused me for around 3 years when psychotic, and he’d begun to behave abusively again since stopping 7 months earlier and had lied, deceived and gaslit me about stopping meds.

I certainly did not tell them that at times their Dad abused me . He loves them, they him, they have a good relationship. And when ex is not psychotic he is fine and we can still deal with each other in a friendly way via text and very occasional phone call

im have treatment for complex PTSD now, am not always very well mentally. they know im not always in a good place mentally and that I’m seeing a psychologist but not the real cause as to why

They grew up with their dad being delusional and hallucinating at times. But abuse was never directed at them. Their dad adores them, was a good dad and they love him. Eldest one has had therapy to deal with growing up with someone with severe mental illness. Youngest one might need that at some point. We’re all open in saying they didn’t have a normal childhood. But they never witnessed the actual abuse.

as they get older I do think they will question some Gaps in understanding what went on in their childhood and put some pieces together. If they ask more detailed questions of why x, y, or z happened I will then tell them honestly. For now, they don’t need to know, and despite at times wanting to explain why I have such problems with my own mental health, I do not think it will do anything but place a huge burden on them unnecessarily.

if I’m not prepared to do that with my adult DS, and know it would screw them up, it doesn’t take a genius to understand that with younger children, even teeens, you say as little as possible about what went on in private between you - keep to minimum and focus on you both being there for them and loving them.

I would also add, do not say anything, until you and STBex have figured out living arrangements, at least for first few months. And when he of you is leaving. They do not need to know that you are “going to” separate - tell them Bly when you are lined up and ready to move into separate living arrangement. And tell them how often they’ll see you both , where, when, and probably what’s happening this Xmas. Don’t leave them with gaps and uncertainty about there future- that will lead to fear and anxiety . Wait till you have both agreed and then speak to them and tell them “what will happen now” at same time as you tell them you are no longer living together

Blowthemandown · 01/12/2022 09:04

@LoveHarry tempting to message the group and say ‘we are not telling the kids Daddy has been seeing XX as we don’t want them to feel they need to take sides, please don’t discuss with your kids as I’d hate mine to hear it in the playground’

tothelefttotheleft · 01/12/2022 09:29

LoveHarry · 01/12/2022 08:13

I think it’s say nothing about OW and monitor how it goes. Our kids play sport together though so looking forward to that as well as the end of year school events. Joy!

still best to get them through it and I will make sure I have a large glass of wine ready for after

I'd be very surprised if lots of parents didn't know. This kind of information spreads like wildfire.

I would tell my children very carefully otherwise they will be bindsided by other children or even the affair partners children.

tothelefttotheleft · 01/12/2022 09:31

Emptyinsidetothecore · 01/12/2022 08:18

Could be done in two stages, first the split and then a follow up a week later about how daddy has a special friend that he likes.

The first main thing is controlling gossip, which is difficult and high risk so it’s likely they do need to know. But the second point is that they don’t need to know details or blame, they just need to hear that it is over, there is no chance of getting back together. Knowing of an OW will solidify that.

Not in exactly the same situation but your story mirrors my life at the moment. We’ve recently agreed we’re telling DC of OW (they know of separation) and it’ll be played down in terms of seriousness but that we are being truthful (as they believe we’re not being, so right for us to be honest). It also removes the question of reconciliation too.

PM me if you fancy a chat.

No way would I use the language "special friend that he likes" with a 10 and 12 year old. They aren't toddlers.

CloudPop · 01/12/2022 09:33

@EarthFireAirWater excellent advice. Sorry you had to go through this.

Tripsabroad · 01/12/2022 09:34

I was a similar age to your dc. Parents didn't mention the OW and just said they didn't love each other anymore.

On one hand, I wasn't ready to know about the OW at that time.

On the other hand, my sibling guessed straight away (and who it was) so it wasn't a surprise to me when it was confirmed years later. Are you sure your dc won't have picked up on something?

It did affect how I viewed my Dad, but that's his fault.

Also, being told they didn't love each other any more gave me false hope that they'd fall back in love again in the future.

On the whole, I wouldn't mention the OW unless they asked directly.

Emptyinsidetothecore · 01/12/2022 09:35

@tothelefttotheleft It is what our mediator has advised very recently for the same age DC. I don’t particularly like the terminology but she’s not a girlfriend (yet) so what is she? A friend he has feelings for, therefore a special friend.

It is shit terminology but i don’t have any other way of saying it.

upfucked · 01/12/2022 09:39

LoveHarry · 01/12/2022 08:00

That’s why I’m torn. I want to try and do the right thing and feel like that’s not saying anything. But what if they get blindsided and find out a different way.

Not sure of the lovebirds plans - but nothing immediate I don’t think.

I realise I sound calm. I’m not. But trying to focus on the practical.

I’ve already told him I won’t actively spread the word. But that I refuse to lie for him too.

(can’t say I wasn’t tempted on the class group chat to drop it into the conversation and then exit in a flounce though)

If you do (not advised) then don’t leave. Make her feel uncomfortable.

Sneakyblinders · 01/12/2022 09:40

Can you ask the OW's DH what they are planning on telling their children? I wouldn't want my kids to be blindsided by this information and they are old enough to understand. Special friend doesn't cut it!

FrenchBoule · 01/12/2022 09:42

Yes.Please do tell them as it’s going to come out soon anyway.
Better they find out from you than kids at school.
Please speak to school as well as there might be some very awkward atmosphere.

You still can control the narrative, nothing wrong in telling the truth without slagging OW off.

So sorry OP 💐 your H is a piece of work.

PeekAtYou · 01/12/2022 09:44

Do the children of OW know? I think that if your kids find out then that's the most likely way.

First chat is basically you are splitting and where everyone will live, whether they can stay at school etc
If the children need to be told about OW then your ex should do it. He's the one who can answer any questions.

WoolyMammoth55 · 01/12/2022 09:56

plinkypots · 01/12/2022 08:24

No child psychologist is ever going to tell you to give those kind of details to a child. It can really harm them and not in the ways you might imagine. Your children see themselves in their dad. They have a different bond. Infidelity tends to be repeated in generations. No chance I'd tell them without professional guidance. You're talking about seriously damaging them. It might feel good to tell them but that's not coming from a good place. They may find out from other sources but you can't control that. You can be there for them if that happens but I wouldn't cause it.

Hmmm... Are you a child psychologist? If not your claims are pretty weird!

Different scenario but my DSis was 11 when our mum died. A huge part of the trauma and pain she experienced afterwards was that no one told her the truth about what was happening. As well as the loss she felt hugely betrayed and that her dead mum's last action was to lie to her...

OP, if your kids feel that you have lied, even if by omission, it will affect how much they trust you. It might set them down a path of concealment from you during their teen years.

It would be different if OW was never going to be known to them, but a mum of a kid in their class is going to come out somehow.

I believe the best thing for their long-term mental health is for you to tell them an age-appropriate version of the truth, and teach them that you will always tell the truth and that you love them enough to never lie.

Emptyinsidetothecore · 01/12/2022 10:01

I believe the best thing for their long-term mental health is for you to tell them an age-appropriate version of the truth, and teach them that you will always tell the truth and that you love them enough to never lie

this - well put @WoolyMammoth55

FriedasCarLoad · 01/12/2022 10:05

This happened a couple of times at school when I was a teacher. The children found out from their peers.

In both cases they lost some trust in the "innocent" parent from having helped to cover it up.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Mamaneedsadrink · 01/12/2022 10:06

Don't, all it will do it hurt them

Bookworm20 · 01/12/2022 10:15

I think given their ages and the fact its a school mum, I would tell them. but in an age appropriate way. I really don't know but something along the lines of we have not been happy together for some time, we both love you, that won't change etc etc but sometimes adults can fall out of that sort of love and just be good friends. dad has made a new friend and he has a chance to be happy.... something like that.
So they don't end up hating their dad and feeling sorry for you, but can process it. It would be terrible if they found out at school, and they would blame you for covering it up as they will think they look stupid if someone says something and they deny it, later finding out you had kept it from them.

All it takes for for someone to see them, or for a child to overhear a conversation from their parents (because it will be known and will be gossiped about) and then it will spread like wildfire.

And I'm so sorry OP, It must be extremely hard. He is an absolute piece of shit for putting both you and your DC in that position.

GlassDeli · 01/12/2022 10:23

Sorry to hear what has happened. I think you do need to tell the children ASAP before someone else does.

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