Do you tell the kids about the OW?

[LoveHarry]

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

Given their ages I'd tell them. To not tell them is to lie and then have the disasterous situation of them finding or working it out for themselves later (which WILL happen) then it's even more of a nightmare.

Your dad is leaving us because he's been nobbing Xs mum is a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth and I avoid spinning a web of lies at all costs. He can then reap the results of his deceit and shitty decisions.

He doesn't get to opt out of telling the truth. This is a scenario where the children deserve to understand the actual situation despite how horrendous it is.

No more deceit by way of sugar coating

(I was in this same situation. And didn't tell the kids and now wish I had. They were 10 and 15)

You are a better person than me, I would’ve told them.
This is way overstepping the boundary and you’ve dealt with that, but my god what are they thinking opening a group chat? She needs to keep a low profile, this feels like border line rubbing your face in it so 💐for being so in control.

Im sorry but I would tell your children the truth now.

I think when if they realise later you may be blamed via your ex, Mum just didn't understand our friendship, wasn't any fun.

Or Mum hid it from us and we feel tricked.

I posted ages ago on your thread and in a similar situation.

. I did end up telling the kids after they had had a little time to settle into the new situation. My kids are ,12,14 and 15. Did a very matter of fact ( with their dad in the room):
” just want to give you a bit more information about why we separated. I found out dad had a girlfriend while we were still together. That’s not ok in a marriage. Dad wants to keep on seeing his ‘girlfriend’ and so we needed to separate and we will divorce. I am telling you this as I don’t want to hide anything from you and it’s important to not keep secrets in a family. You can ask us any questions you have at any time. Don’t ever feel like you have to hide your feelings or can’t talk to us about this.”

kids took it in. Asked a few questions. They are kids at the end of the day and a, factual approach helped. They don’t understand the gravity of it or what it means in an adult context. But they have talked to each of us. And it has worked giving them time to get used to our separation and then giving them more context. They aren’t daft and my eldest knew as she had heard a family friend talking about it.

I think clarity, on a simple, factual, no blame, level, has helped. But timing was key.

You sound like you have done totally the right thing by shutting down exh and OW ridiculous group chat. Their actions are totally selfish. You have acted in your DC’s best interests. They don’t need callous actions which are purely driven by your ex/ OW’s need for validation and justification.

They need safety and security: well done on striving for that. Like a previous poster said- keep your dignity and do what you need to do for your kids. You are awesome and you will be ok xx

Respect to you OP for keeping so cool in the face of their trashy behaviour. What a knob your ex is and as for the OW. I'd have smashed her face in school play ground by now! Stupid, insensitive bitch. You are right to feel annoyed.

Tell the children, they deserve the truth. Otherwise they may see you colluding with ex in his quite frankly shoddy behaviour not only towards you but them.

I know those responses were from ages ago but
"Daddy has a special friend that he likes"
The kids are 10 and 12, not toddlers.

She's trying to build a relationship with them under false pretences.

Your ex and the OW are trying to make it easier for themselves in the short term and think it will make it easier in the medium and long term this way, but if they last as a couple your kids will cop this later on and feel very deceived and probably judge them harshly as they get older.

It is very much too much too soon.

I wouldn't be surprised if your ex disregards your wishes though, as far as he's concerned it's all working so smoothly.

Yes tell them in a simple way for their age. Therapists advise honesty. They will find out eventually so best get used to it and understand the reasons for the separation. Lying and minimising it just leaves it to be discovered later.

and as for the OW. I'd have smashed her face in school play ground by now! Stupid, insensitive bitch. You are right to feel annoyed

this is probably not mature but I feel the same op
yes violence doesn’t solve anything

but sometimes we are allowed to be ANGRY

it’s an OK emotion to have and they deserve it
just strike when the iron is cold

all the same in jokes he used with me.

OP, that brought tears to my eyes, and I don’t even know you. What a betrayal. Everything that was loving, personal, silly little jokes etc … You’re discarded, but he can still use fragments of your relationship to keep himself looking loveable. And I can imagine it could spark another pang of grief for the man you enjoyed sharing those jokes with.

I hugely admire your courage and dignity. Especially when the OW has no compunction about changing her plans and attending the sports match where you weren’t expecting to see her. They really are treating you disgracefully.

But I wonder if you’re sacrificing too much in your efforts to protect DC? At 10 and 12 they’ll soon realise something is going on. After all, in reality, their father has decided not to live with them any more because he prefers to spend his time with the OW. (Not that I’d put it to them quite so plainly!)

If you’ve been trying to cover it up, with the best intentions, you may look like just another adult lying to them. You don’t deserve that. But you don’t deserve any of this shit.

I so agree with this.

OP, I would so hate for your decency to be rewarded with the legacy issue of your children thinking you lied to them at a later date.

There IS something about protecting them that some children latch onto as plain LYING.

I know of parental regret where they really wish they had gone for age appropriate basic honesty.

IMO there is a particular scum that has an affair within their circle........friends, sisters, school, clubs, neighbours etc........ I'd be damned before I would take the fall for them and their very shabby behaviour.

Wishing you well.

I know children at 10 and 12 are not toddlers. They’re also not adults, nor do they have mature brains that understand complex adult relationships.

I think it’s been touched on in the last few posts that when you’re in the middle of this, it requires a huge amount of dignity and restraint (I’m in the middle of this).

It is a very fine line of balancing the needs of your own (eg your father is a complete tosser who’s cheated on me and broke my heart) vs. the needs of the children and their feelings towards their parents (eg your father and I no longer love each other like a mum and dad should, and your father prefers to spend time with someone else).

The OP did a good job of this. I know @threeandmeandthedog has also done the same, as have I. When this is your real life, and you take advice from professionals (eg counsellors, mediators, cafcas) who suggest the language used is something like friend, special friend, close relationship - that is what you listen to. As above, 10 and 12 year olds are not young, but they’re also not teenagers like a 15-16 year old who are a bit wiser.

God, what an awful situation to have to go through. I feel so sad for your children. They didn’t ask for any of this. Neither did you.

I think you have to be very clear that you tried being with your dad, that’s he now prefers to be with another lady. It’s not what you wanted but that’s what he decided. I think you better be clear with him, because otherwise they will blame you for not forgiving him. You need to make a very clear that you didn’t have a choice in this.

Losing him he’s not a problem at all. Piece of shit.

The real sadness will come from the kids.

But you must not get the blame when the tears come. It will make it that much harder for you.

So you have to be quite honest unfortunately I think that is the only way to go.

What a horrible man to do that to his children. It wasn’t going to take that much longer for them to grow up. He makes me sick. Plus I also hope this new relationship sucks and that it’s a flop for the new girl on the block. No doubt he’s in it because his floppy Willy could not get up that much anyhow. No respect for a man who does not prioritise his children.

Tell them that they are your world and you would never think of seeing anybody and putting anybody ahead of them. And that it’s totally sad that father has done so, but he still loves them, just he wants to be with his lady love 💕 and will still see them at times.

I think the suggestions to tell the kids he has chosen OW over them is wrong. For a start if they are unhappy in relationships as adults this may stick with them thinking its wrong to end the relationship and may even have affairs of their own! An affair isn't about the kids even though it effects them. He has chosen the OW over his wife rather then confronting what ever issues he felt were in the marriage. I'm so sorry you are going through this OP and the creation of the group chat is disgusting behaviour. You seem to have the kids at the heart of everything you do so you will know what to say and when. They don't need a full explanation until you are ready to give it

I appreciate you're genuinely trying to support OP but her saying this to their children would be irresponsible and damaging. So much so it could really affect them on top of the break up, for a long time. Please don't do this OP.

My kids knew about the other woman and I've always been careful not to say anything derogatory (and believe me I so could) they may end up being significant in their lives so better to take the upper ground- having said all that ds oth did ask why he'd left and I told her, mostly around never trust close friends with a roving eye!

Ideally I would say don't tell the children now but one day they will deserve an explanation of why the marriage broke down. I will be keeping the evidence and telling my children about my ex-wife's multiple affairs when my youngest is 14.

10 and 12 year olds definitely can understand complex adult relationships.

My 7 year old instantly knew her dads new 'housemate' was not just a friend or housemate. It wasn't a cheating situation and I totally understand it's a delicate situation, but I stand by it that no 10 or 12 year old buys 'special friend'.

I've had to deal with other sensitive issues with my kids to do with their dad, drug issues etc. and other things that were so bad that I had to cover for him to protect them from the truth so I am extremely careful to be sensitive and show restraint but I also wouldn't insult their intelligence and use a confusing babyish term like 'special friend', because I feel like it's not fair on them, they know 'special friend' isn't a thing and they might then feel like they couldn't ask me questions or talk to me about their feelings on the subject.

Given the creepy happy family what's app group I think you need to tell the DC the basics in an age appropriate way. Stbxh and OW are behaving badly here and it's going to hurt your DC in the future when they realise they were having comfy chats with the OW.

Update: it’s out in the open now. It became pretty clear that my kids friends parents were all in the know and it was a matter of time before the kids found out

it was very much downplayed ‘daddy and so & so are starting to hang out together’

kids took it ok and don’t know the timeline. I checked in to see if they were ok with it (they said yes) and I told them I was too (slightly gritted teeth)

she continues to be over the top in every way. Starting organising his birthday and reached out to all his friends and family organising events and surprises

the unintended consequence is they all reached out to me to say ‘who the heck is this person?” (Usually with more colourful language)

and some of them didn’t know we’d split up - including some of his family - leaving me in the great position of either deflecting, lying or telling the truth.

I may have sent them both some snotty texts with regards to that. At which point she broke up with him because I send her mean texts (4 in 3 months which I think is quite restrained). And he was angry and upset with me for ruining his love.

at that point I backtracked and to my horror apologised to her. Realised if their relationship was that fragile, I need to let them sink or swim. For the sake of maintaining a parenting relationship, I need to back right off. Can’t have him blaming me for whether they work or not

almost back to even keel then found another family group chat. Despite agreeing not to do this, they can’t help themselves. They don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing. They don’t understand why I think just over 3 months is ‘fast’

and in the revisionist history version of their relationship / yes they lied but our relationship break up was inevitable (subtext so I should be over it)

I’ve come through denial, I’m mostly through anger (that was a very intense time) but I’m not at acceptance yet

apparently I should remember too that she is a good person and cares about our children and that my thinking is biased (I assume unfairly)

apols for any typos and sentence case issues. Thanks for bearing with me

You poor woman.

Stop the lying.

Tell people the truth about his affair with her.

Stop protecting them.

You will be fine eventually but stop lying for them.

LoveHarry

dearie me
she and he are batshit crazy arnt they ?

organising his birthday when people don’t know
Honestly I can’t see this having legs

but this doesn’t negate the daily grinding pain for you I know x

just dont lie and stop gritting teeth
I’d also say the less you communicate the better

utter pair of cunts they are

You’re doing amazingly well, OP. Given that your STBXH and this woman were capable of the disloyalty, dishonesty and deception that goes with an affair, it’s probably unsurprising that they continue to spin fictions now with their revisionism and come out with smug twaticisms about her being a good person and you being unreasonably biased against her. I do think that, on the whole, people who have affairs are particularly selfish and their behaviour bears this out.