Do you tell the kids about the OW?

[LoveHarry]

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

I would tell them there's an OW, but taking out all value judgements and giving the least amount of factual information they need to know. That may or may not include giving names. You do it together so that you both have the basis of an on going relationship with the kids based on trust and that they never have that awful feeling of being blindsided and vulnerable and wondering if they can trust you. Not only that they may find out from others now, but also that they may find out in the future that other people knew this about their family all the time and that they were kept in the dark. I'd also be worried they'd find out in school and think it's some terrible secret they have to keep from you to protect you.

@PeterRabbitHadACarrot

I appreciate your perspective. My DP was regularly beaten by his Ex for over a decade, until he left. (And actually once more, 2 years after that, sadly!)
Would you reckon that's ok to tell the kids- 13 and 16?

Everyone else, including on mumsnet, has said not to.

It's not about 'covering for the father' it's about not subjecting children to age inappropriate information that they will find extremely distressing. It's irresponsible to say the father should deal with the fall out. Or that he would be capable of sitting with the OP and telling the children together with her dictating the tone and depth. This is a man who clearly isn't thinking about what is best for his kids. To assume he is going to suddenly find it within him to parent well around what is a tinderbox situation is simply sacrificing the kids. It can be very dangerous business deciding to tell the kids 'the truth' as he may feel the need to share his own 'truths' about his marriage. The kids need to hear none of this nor can this man be trusted.

I had too as he moved straight in to her house and started playing happy families.

I just want to say you sound so calm and rational 🙌
Maybe talk to the husband who reached out, see if their kids know or will be told.

My circumstances are totally different from yours, but I was given some advice that I think you may find helpful - do not lie to your kids. To do so will only damage your relationship with them as they'll feel like they cannot trust you when they do find out the truth.

That doesn't mean however that you have to offer up every single detail. Tell them age appropriate truths, or that they are too young and you will tell them when they are older if they ask a question you cannot answer. I always tell mine I will not lie to them, I'll only tell them the truth if they have questions, but that sometimes I cannot give them the answers they want as they are too young and I will explain more when I can. They usually accept this quite happily.

Your kids are older than mine, but in this case I'd probably go with the trusted favourite that mummy and daddy love them, but don't love each other in the way that a husband and wife should. Lots of kids have divorced parents nowadays and if you and your ex try to stay as amicable as possible to co-parent, you can hopefully influence if, when and how any one new is introduced to them if any future relationships last. I wouldn't say that how and when people get together is a detail they need to know, but if they find out or put two and two together be as honest as you can.

I was also told that children often view themselves as a mixture of their parents, so to avoid slagging off the other parent as it can impact on how children view themselves and impact their own self esteem.

I am sorry this has happened to you, but get practical. I found it got me through the early stages of my situation and once I had sorted out the mess that was left for me, I was further away from the situation and better able to start to process it (although I'm still not there yet) !

Good luck.

The affair may not last. OW may choose ultimately to return to her husband or reject your H and go it alone.

I would not give this OW any prominence or place in the life of your children unless H and she move in together. That could be months down the line.

Your children need to know above all else about their life and that they are loved, how your divorce may change their day to day routine, care and living arrangements BUT NOTHING ELSE.

You need to suggest to H that however loved up he is limerance, who knows what the next 6mths will bring and he should be absolutely discreet and put his children first, not some disgrace of OW at their school.

As for school chat group, is your H and OW in same one? If not perhaps in New Year consider saying something along the lines of:

"perhaps a few of you know already, but so this doesn't become playground gossip, I'm letting you know... H and I have split up and will be getting divoced, we remain amicable for the sake of our children who are our priority. Thank you all for your understanding at obviously a very difficult time for our family"

That way you get in first, come off as the decent and dignified one against their shitty behaviour and it takes the scandal out of the possible gossip.

So sorry OP you have been blindsided and may feel humiliated by their actions in public but the shame is all on them. Keep your head high and all the best.

Tough one

they need to know this ain’t your fault
10000%

Howe ever it’s a knarly one and - they will find out eventually

how’s about ‘daddy’s met someone else ‘ and we can’t be married anymore

let him tell them the finer details

cunt that he is

My kids are a bit younger, and I was so scared they would hear about their dad's affair after we split. I never said anything broadly beyond my own close-knit friend group, and while I'm sure there were rumours, nobody outright asked me and I've never talked badly about him to anyone. The OW is not on the scene - which is easier - though she is still local.

Most importantly we are friendly, co-parent well, and the kids see no friction or arguing. We're divorced with 3 years and I'm sure some day someone will say it to them, or maybe they will ask when older and I'll be honest, but I think it will be kind of irrelevant then as the most important thing is they know they are loved and we're all still a family and care about each other and treat each other respectfully so it will have (hopefully) had a minimal negative impact on their childhoods.

I appreciate that this outcome isn't possible in all situations, and I do sometimes wonder if I'll look back in years to come and thing why the fuck did I sell my soul to be the bigger person..??? But right now it feels like the right thing to do.

The Dad who told you, has no doubt told others; he's also had it out with his wife and she has probably told her friends, both may have told adult family and their own kids. IOW, this affair is not secret, it's out there in your own community where you can't control it. But you can control how and when your children find out.

Sooner or later your older kid will hear it in the playground; in the crudest way possible., maybe intentionally to hurt. Possibly within days.

Because you have two, , both kids must be told. (Your older one can't be expected to keep it secret from the younger, or carry his worries on his own) DH has to explain it to them in a gentler way then they WILL hear it at school. You will also have to explain it to them. So you and DH need to discuss and agree exactly what they are told, the kind of words used and the explanation given. You are both going to be asked some really hard questions by your children, and for their sake you will both have to be ready with answers that don't confuse them even more.

("Does Daddy still love Mummy? Has he stopped loving us? Do you love daddy, Mummy? Why does Daddy have another friend now? Is he going to live here with us or with her?)

Given their ages and knowing just how quickly gossip spreads round school between both parents and kids I would absolutely tell your kids, I would also have a word with their teachers so that they can be on hand for any emotional fall out while they are at school.

As others have said you don’t need to give details, you can sanitise the reasons as much as necessary but in the case I think it’s essential that they know a basic account of the truth.

As the children all know each other through school and via a sport it really does need to be handled very delicately indeed. It would be so traumatic for them to find out in school, especially as their reaction may be to defend their dad only to find out later that it was indeed true. So much in their life is about to change, it’s important that they feel that they have the truth and that peers at school don’t know more about their life and the goings on of their parents than they do. When you are at the heart of something it can be so damaging to know that you are left out of important information and it leaves you feeling like you don’t know who you can trust. They need to know that they can trust someone and that someone has to be you!

I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. As calm as you come across I know you will be absolutely devastated, holding your own broken heart together is bad enough on top of feeling like you have to break your children’s hearts too. Sending hugs to you and your little ones.

Thank you, yet again for the advice and views. It feels like walking a line between being real and transparent is best. But not to lie and communicate age appropriately

which is also OMFG - because if I could communicate that well, I might not be asking for advice

from talking to him it sounds like things have slowed down with ‘special friend’. So I think Friday night is a simpler conversation. Will keep an eye on it. Will update after

Maybe having the excitement of lying has taken the spring out of their step. Now there's two marriages in tatters and it's all a little less kinky fun.

So yeah if he's not going to be moving in with her or sleeping over etc then there's no rush but I'd make it clear to him it's in your kids best interest that he doesn't cross that line without talking to them

Just don’t do what my mother did when I was 6 and say

”Daddy’s fallen in love with someone else so he’s going to be her husband and her child’s father now, not my husband and not your father”

30 odd years on and I’m still seething with her for it.

It is hard to find a balance between being honest and doing it age appropriately. I actually spoke to a Child psychologist about whether to tell them about the OW. ExH forced my hand though as he moved straight in with her.
The psychologist said lying is a major cause of the trauma from divorce, by not telling them things because we think we are protecting them, they can imagine so much worse.
Its also about how you tell them the truth, age appropriately, basic facts, no judgment and all backed up with the fact they are not to blame and it doesn't change how much you love them.
To the PP who has not told her adult children the truth, I believe you are doing yourself a disservice, they could be a support to you. They are adults and by you hiding things your making it so much worse for yourself.

As the kids know OW and her kids I think that your ex has to tell the kids so that they can react at home. (Cry, shout etc )
I think that covering up for him will bite you in the bum later as it will be turned into mum lied to me rather than the bigger issue at hand. Finding out at school from OW's kids would be a disaster but I think you should talk to OW's h and find out what is going to be said to his kids.

Close friend's experience 10+ years ago in very similar situation was that eldest (14) immediately asked if there was an OW. Turns out she suspected something. Friend was honest without going into details. I think they respected her for this. Youngest (10) didn't get her hopes up for reconciliation. News was out quickly in the school anyway so kids would have found out quickly.

You sound great by the way. I hope you get to the position my friend is now (great relationship with kids, reasonable with exDH so graduations etc are not awkward and new and improved partner).

Yeah I bet he and special friend have slowed down

everyone knowing and both spouses !
like a bucket of cold water 💦

hope when this all calms down you can find your own nicer special friend op x

There's a huge chance it will come to nothing now that the reality of them leaving their partners has come to light. Along with many other factors. So keep quiet for now but make sure you are both clear re what the next steps are when you do speak to them.
Sorry you're going through this. Never a good time but it must be hard at this time of year

I was not told, and when I found it later I was absolutely furious with everyone. It has taken me a long time to get over not having it explained to me properly when I pculd have understood.

I have only experienced this from a playground perspective which is where when people found out they usually completely abandoned the affair people and refused to stand with either party. Only one person decided she would stand with the affair woman until one very opinionated Mum confronted her and asked her loudly where the line was? Whose husband would she be so appalled at her sleeping with that she wouldn't stand with her? Then started listing her friends. Really opened her eyes to it.

It has happened at least 3 times in my 8 years of being in a primary playground and everyone knew who it was so in a way your children may well get to know and not from where you want them to know. We have had a child told no your Dad is not working in another country he is in prison and told him to google his Dad's name! Not everyone will be kind to your children.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Given the age of your children the gossip may get round to them.

Most of that is true apart from one, from my experience men always put ow first.....it makes me so mad for the kids.

My DC were just a little bit younger than OP's when the shit hit the fan out of the blue.

OW was someone I had thought was a good friend.

I have never told the DC who the OW was, but when we sat down to explain to them, I did say there was a third party. Something along the lines of "Daddy has a new girlfriend, and that's not allowed when you're married" plus explaining where he'd be living, that they could see him as much as they wanted esp at weekends, and that we both loved them very much.

They seemed OK with this.

One day, many years down the line, one DC told me that she'd appreciated how I'd never said a bad word about their father, and revealed that he'd "trash talked" me to both DC (about how I was awful and how that is what drove him to it), and that though she still loved him, she also thought worse of him for that.

I included that last bit because it's an example of how you never quite know what someone else is going to say to, or in front of, the DC. I think a very abbreviated and age appropriate version of the truth is the best way - then there will be no nasty surprises via other people, and there is some framework onto which they can hang anything they do here.

Yes I see what you are saying. Thank you for explaining it to me. I'm also sorry someone has treated you this way.

Well for a start your ex should be the one delivering the awkward news about the OW. But, yes I’d tell them as they’re old enough and you don’t want to risk them finding out through gossip. Getting them to understand that you are trustworthy and honest with them is crucial at this point in time.

good luck, you’ll be much happier. I was!