Do you tell the kids about the OW?

[LoveHarry]

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

@LoveHarry proud of you for taking the advice and separating the two aspects. Makes lots of sense. It will need to be discussed at some point, but you know that.

Go easy on yourself this weekend 💐

How awful for you and the kids involved and I applaud you for being so dignified. However I do feel you need to gently warn your kids, before they find out from the playground.

I think you're being slightly naive that this will be kept quiet. It will be the biggest gossip of the year. I feel sick for you. Once one person finds out it will sweep the school.

How would your DC feel if the other lad tells your lad that his dad and is seeing/living with his mum.

Fucking wankers and at this time of year too. Hold your head high OP and keep your dignity. You WILL get through this.

Terrible weekend emotionally for me but the kids seem to be holding up ok. DH has moved out. I’ve found somewhere but will take a few more weeks before I can move in.

I did my first night without the kids and fell
apart. Tried to be on top of it and planned a quiet evening and bought some nice treat food and wine. Spent the night doing that ugly, noisy crying - both upset and so angry at how things had turned out.

And them the icing on the cake was turning up to pick up the kids and watch their sport only to see the OW there. She carefully avoided me but I was completely thrown and shaking through the game.

Took the kids out and tried to make it a lovely day - it’s possible I’ll be the Disney mum the way I’m going but OMG it was rough.

Because we were planning to move anyway, the kids are finishing up at that school which I am so glad about now.

Tryng to focus on the outcomes I want which is for the kids to come out of this as emotionally ok as possible and transition to a shared care parenting plan but gosh it’s hard being a grown up. There were so many things I wanted to say to her yesterday - held my tongue but it was so hard.

and yes, DH was there too. He clocked how I was feeling and is ‘so sorry’. Yep, thanks for that.

So sorry you are going through this, it sounds like you are being strong when you have to and letting it all out when you can

Another old classic but if he put you in this position he's not the person you thought he was and you're in the horrible part of hopefully a path to the next, better stage of your life

I'm so sorry. Surviving Infidelity website has an amazing divorce and separation section.

When I was struggling the posters there were amazing and offer ongoing support.

It was a fabulous place to vent at the unfairness of it all. It sounds as though seeing her was a dreadful trigger, you coped brilliantly.

Self care always first!

Well done @LoveHarry total respect for how you are managing this very difficult and traumatic situation and being the best mum for helping your children.
Was your H there with you, alone or with OW? How dreadful for you.

Sending hugs and thinking of you. 💐

LoveHarry
❤️❤️❤️

i think emotions are always better OUT

you are strong woman and I’m praying that 2023 brings some better joy

I’m sorry this is so hard x

I am so sorry you are going through this.
At their ages, yes I would tell them. They are going to ask, so you need to decide if you are going to lie to them, how you and stbxh will co ordinate doing that, what that will achieve and for who. You will then need to lie to cover up those lies. My parents lied to me. Lies about why we moved house, cancelled holiday etc. I never trusted my mum again to tell the truth about important stuff and didn't see her as someone worth asking advice from. Like the poster above's friend, I felt deeply betrayed by it. My mum died when I was fairly young, I had an awful relationship with her as a teen because of it all and I never really forgave her.

I remember those touch line nightmare like they were yesterday OP. I found it incredibly traumatic standing there knowing everyone knew and my now exh and ex best mate pretending as if nothing was happening. It was absolute torture. Well done for getting through it. And it does get easier-the nights without the DC- with time. Lot of love to you x

As dreadful as it sounded to me it reads that you are holding up brilliantly under the circumstances.

OW certainly has a brass neck, I'd be lying low.

Kids moving schools should resolve any more accidental meetings.

Yes I did

But as she was supposed to be my best friend and had made her selves a big part of our lives and was then getting her daughter to greet mine at breakfast club with hi stepbrother and hi stepsister I wouldn't have been left much choice

Good god @Sideorderofchips what a horror. Sorry you had the go through that

My step dc are mid/late 20’s and do not know their parents split up because their mum had an affair.

we have never told them as we don’t actually know what has been said- but suspect it’s something negative about dh and chances are they’ll choose not to believe us and it’ll drive them further away.

Tbf that's nothing. She lied to me during their affair saying that I was paranoid and I should trust only her etc and then it all came out. She tried to tell people I was abusive, she's reported me to children's services claiming I'm making it up about two of my kids having sen (which I have cahms diagnosis for both) etc etc. She is a purely evil person

The kids off their own back refuse to have anything to do with her and have told their dad that. He doesn't try and force it anymore but she does 🙄

Sorry to hear that you had a rubbish weekend @LoveHarry

The sobbing and loneliness is real and it won’t go away quickly but it does get a teeny bit better each time you’re on your own.

I totally relate to bumping into OW. It’s the worse feeling ever. It sounds like you handled it very well. STBEH needs to be so sorry - what an arse. They’re just words and you have a right to be angry at the position(s) he’s put and will continue to put you in.

I strongly recommend walking to clear your mind, especially on the days without kids. Just go for 2/3 hours, find woods, nature, water. I never actually want to walk, but once out, my body & brain relax and I come back in a better frame of mind.

💐

@Sideorderofchips - that is a shocker. I don’t know how you managed at all - I’m shaking my head in disbelief although nothing surprises me about people any more

such good advice @PlayIt - thank you - will definitely get walking. Might even join a gym in the new year.

thanks to everyone on the support, especially those who have been there and worked through/come out on the other side. It’s clear there is no easy path when there are kids involved but there are an awful lot of ways to get it wrong.

@pumpkinsareshortlived in answer to your question, we were all there separately. In a huge bubble of awkward awfulness. Thank goodness that was the last game for the year

Over a month since I last posted. I moved into my new place - plenty of room and made it nice. Let my family help me instead of my usual stubborn independence, did everything the way I wanted - it feels like a home and a sanctuary.

the kids still don’t know about OW and we have agreed we will sort a plan and tell them the right way when it’s appropriate.

Decided to head to one of the kids sports practice after work. One of the OW’s kids plays but OW wasn’t going to be there. Except there was a change of plans and she was. I felt sick and as if I was the one in the way. Put on a brave face, brought the kids home and made sure they had a nice night.

one if the kids gave me their phone to charge and a message popped up. They’ve got a group chat with the kids full of love hearts and xx’s and gushing love.

but apparently it’s all innocent and they are being careful and the kids think they are just all mates who have play dates because the kids like hanging out

all the same in jokes he used with me. There’s pics of one of my kids and the OW who have matching tops. And adoring phrases everywhere

im not proud. I texted and told her to back off texting my kids. I told him the same and to shut it down. I don’t care what they do but don’t bring the kids into it. And then I threw up.

I know this might seem like nothing. I’m hugely conscious that many women are in terrible and desperate situations and I’ve just got my nose out of joint

but I think it’s about the lack of control, the huge changes so quickly and adjustment to not seeing my kids everyday - and then to see their ‘family chat’ just tipped me over. Too much, too soon

ive not even told her what I really think as there’s a very real chance she will be part of my kids lives on a meaningful way and im trying to make sure if I have to, that path is not rocky

but today, it sucks

Fuck, that is horrible OP. I'm not into OW bashing at all, and am horrified that your ex thinks that this is acceptable, but what a pair of shameless arseholes. I think you did the right thing in telling her to back off, and in telling your ex too.

The likelihood of their relationship is working out is minimal imo. They're putting you in a tough place by lying to your kids about the nature of their relationship.

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. x

That's hard to read OP.

You are some woman.

She can have that waster but the smoozing the children would be so up setting.

How you haven't told the class gossip of the old school you have left is amazing.

I don't think I would be so restrained.

You are amazing.

Keep going and we are here for you.

You're being amazing op. When my dh had an affair I fell apart completely and behaved disgracefully. To my eternal shame I didn't manage to keep my feelings from my dcs (pre/early teens) and that's probably the biggest regret of my life. I'm full of admiration for the way you are protecting your dcs and the dignified way you are behaving.

Sorry not I would delete the new family chat with your kids how dare they and she !

shut it down completely and I would be giving her a peace of my mind ! How utterly horrendous are they both.

You are being far too nice OP I mean please don’t let them walk all over you.

LoveHarry

fuck that you did right
That’s off the scale inappropriate to do that

putting aside how disrespectful to you it is (clearly they don’t care )
ifs mind messing for the kids

harness that anger OP
cunt the pair of them

“My” OW wasn’t local, and my h, once he’d got round to telling all, went off to her neck of the woods and so I haven’t had to deal with this OP. However that, we are now together and we will behave as if that is how it has always been, attitude is likely to backfire on your h I suspect.

My h refused to have anything to do with my children unless they accepted the ow absolutely (he left 5 December and the first time he came back to our home town was over New Year: he refused to see the children unless they saw and ate a meal wit them both) and his relationship with the children has suffered badly. The children need to feel they are important and that his relationship with them won’t be damaged by this. Sharing the love out like this includes them, but it doesn’t make them the central issue.

One thing I think strongly: try and think when making a decision, when I look back in 6 months, will I put my head in my hands and wonder what I was thinking. If you might, try something else.

“One thing I think strongly: try and think when making a decision, when I look back in 6 months, will I put my head in my hands and wonder what I was thinking. If you might, try something else.”

Completely agree with this. But I think you were absolutely within your rights to object to the vomity WhatsApp group. Well done for that. I hope your STBXH and the OW respect that.

I texted and told her to back off texting my kids.
She clearly needs this reminder, so fair enough.

It was only after everything fell apart for me that I realised the kids must actually have worked it out pretty much for themselves while I was still scratching my head. My dd was 16 and spotted some texts herself - and a schoolfriend of hers had gone through something similar. Your ex needs to be told that his children are not stupid, and kids talk about this sort of thing in school - compare notes. He's being a dick if he's 100% convinced they won't see through it.