Do you tell the kids about the OW?

[LoveHarry]

i have been on Mumsnet for 10 years - mostly lurking. Occasionally posting. I knew the script. I knew it.

DP started a chat with me a few weeks ago. He’s not happy. Doesn’t think I’m happy. We need to sort out the relationship and decide if there is something there (we are great mates but being partners had been pushed aside because of kids and work and Covid)…or if we should amicably separare

I agreed we weren’t in a good place (we weren’t) and we spent a few weeks trying to be nicer to each other and make time. He tells me he thinks it’s working.

I went and re-read the script just in case and thought all good.

got to work Monday and a dad from school reached out to tell me his wife and my DH were shagging. And sent proof. Which DH confirmed. And explained he hadn’t told me as he didn’t want to hurt me. And that they are in love.

Right….

So anyway, it’s over. We are going to share custody and I’m going to try to maintain some kind of effective parenting relationship

we are going to tell the kids Friday night. Plan to do the ‘we love you very much but…convo’

i would love some advice though from anyone who has been through this

eg what’s a good message? What do you wish you said? What do you wish you hadn’t said? Any tips on how to do it

and what about OW? Do I make us/him/me say something? Instinct is no but it’s a mum from school and I don’t know who else knows. I’d hate for them to find out in the playground or from someone else.

kids are 10 and 12 if that makes a difference?

thank you.

At 10 and 12, they are not infants and I don't see any good in lying to them to be honest. Saying you fell "out of love" with one another is a lie. If my parents had separated at that age I would have wanted to know why, otherwise I imagine it would have the impact of giving the kids a false hope of the two of you getting back together and also paints the picture that you don't have to put effort into a relationship/placing the blame inaccurately elsewhere. That's not reality.

They don't need all the details obviously but sugarcoating the situation and hiding what actually happened can be damaging too as other have pointed out from their own experiences. If they end up thinking badly of their dad so be it. That's a natural consequence to the choice he made.

If you don't tell them, they will find out and I think it will be worse when they realize they were lied to.

I was a year older than your eldest, and we weren't told about the OW. She subsequently became my father's partner and no-one ever told us she'd been the OW, but we were guessing what if and wondering what had happened for many, many years. I would have preferred to know, and to have been told in a factual, empathetic way. It has led to a destructive family dynamic that still exists 30 years later. I still want to say to him "I'm angry that you did this but I forgive you" but I can't, because he's old and so much time has passed and what's the point. But I deserved the chance to say that when I was younger.

Absolutely not don't tell them, you wouldn't unless you want revenge or to turn them into emotional support (you can't they are children). Children think in a black and white way and aren't able to digest complex information the way adults can.

I think this thread highlights how context driven the situation is. People have different experiences, some wish thier parents had told them, other wish they hadn’t. It’s impossible to judge what is right for the OP as only she will know her context.

OP I hope you have some real life support and someone trusted you can talk to about what you are going through. It’s really important you look after yourself too and have a safe outlet. Only you know your context and your children and you will come to the right decision. Whenever we are in such difficult situations all we can ever do is the best we can given our context. You sound like a great Mum and you will be able to do what you feel is best in this moment. Sending much strength x

This happened to me, except the woman was a good Friend. Two of the dc were good friends and in the same class and football team. I didn't tell them. They were told at school as obviously it was great gossip.
This was the worst way for them to find out. So in your case I would just say matter of factly that whilst daddy and you love them just the same and that will never change, you don't love each other any more and Daddy has a new friend that he might be spending time with (and it's whatever her name is), but that for now they won't be asked to spend time with her.
If you can keep the emotion out of it that the best way to do it. They know the facts then without having anyone assign blame. (Even though he bloody deserves it)

When it happened to me, with my friend as the OW, I told them. They were 8,6 &4. A few weeks later I had to tell them it was ok to like her as they were struggling due to loyalty to me. It was the right thing to do. They grew up happy and well adjusted, and able to form trusting a steady relationships.
At the age yours are, they need to know.

i tried to get more details. They aren’t telling their kids. The dad says he only told one friend (from the school). I haven’t spoken to her - don’t want to.

So I think the first conversation will be more focused on what’s happening to our family. If I get a sense it is starting to come out, then an age appropriate message can be a follow up

for those that asked - yes, I was friends with her. Not super close but have known her since the kids were in reception, been at loads of school events and one of our kids are in a sports team together and have been for years so I see her most weekends. Including last weekend when we watched the kids play and we stood together and chatted through the game.

In your situation it would be far worse for the dcs if this comes out in the playground. They're old enough to ask you questions and they will do. You'd then either have to then either lie, or tell them the basics. So if it was me (and I've been there but with younger dcs) I'd say the very basic facts eg dad has met somebody else or whatever, but emphasising that while relationships between parents can come unstuck, relationships between parents and children are for life. Sooner or later the truth will out anyway, and secrets can be very toxic in families. So I think stating the facts is best. My dcs still had a decent relationship with their dad after the divorce.

Usually I'd say keep the OW out of it but your DC and hers going to the same school means other kids will probably know and tell them.

Don't let them be the last to know, or find out as gossip at school.

I'm really sorry your P is such a shit 💐

Sounds like your soon to be ex is getting cold feet in which case gossip may be avoided but given the closeness of both families I'd be honest with the children if the relationship continues.

I'm so sorry this happened for you op. It's fucking hard seeing the person going about their business at school drop off and sports matches. It made me a bit poorly in the end tbh, the weight of holding it all in and having to be where she was. (And ex dh of course, but in my case the friends betrayed felt weirdly worse to me than his).
Sending you lots of strength.

I wouldn’t tell them about the ow yet. I would let them get their head round the splitting up part first. But maybe it’s wise to tell them about ow before school restarts in jan if it’s going to continue. Imagine if someone else tells them.

I can empathise fully. It’s so difficult to move past something when you’re confronted with them virtually every day and you have to experience that tension. I hope you’re in a better place now xx

Please tell your children the truth and let them know they can rely on and trust you.

My sister and I were younger than your children when our parents split up and I’m still irritated by the amount lies we were told (including things by omission).

I agree don’t slag off the other parent (my dad did and I saw him as being pathetic) and don’t use the children for emotional support. But please realise your children will quickly work things out for themselves, so decide how to tell them in you our own language without too much elaboration. (“Daddy has a special friend..” is not how my Mom would have spoken to me and it would have sounded cringey -but if that’s how you frame things, fair enough).

So sorry that you are facing all of this now. Don’t keep secrets for him and please consider your relationship with your children going forward and let them know who they can trust.

Do you have parental control/family plans with Google or Apple?

I ask because it was taken out of my hands when DP, then added her to the family groups - leading to the kids coming down and asking who this person was.

Utter thoughtless, self-absorbed bastard that he is.

I wouldn't tell them. The best you can hope for is that your kids come out of this still loving both their parents. But I would point out to your ex that it might be better if they hear it from him.

Always age appropriate honesty. You NEVER lie to your children, it really is a BAD idea and will have repercussions further down the line. Kids see right through lies and that's when they start blaming themselves. I agree with the no 'derogatory' comments, although in this case I'd find that TOUGH @LoveHarry

What a pair of prize pieces they are!

You sound calm and collected in these posts but please look after yourself. Self care first right now as I suspect you're still in shock.

The cooling between them is typical, it's likely he'll start to do the 'I'm not sure', the 'I'm cutting contact' line, the 'I made a mistake' (don't get me started on that one). Be prepared. This is unlikely to be the 'tru luv' story it's being presented as. And affairs are addictive, out in the open in a relationship is quite a different story!

Pair of pathetic, sad sacks!

No I wouldn’t personally, but I guess if he’s going to move out and live with her they will need to know

I will say, that the best thing I've done through all of this is maintain grey rock.

Well, I've weakened once and told him what I think of him, and obviously the first couple of conversations were a bit emotional!, but past that, I've kept it cool, businesslike, and entirely about the kids.

In private I've had my moments, but nothing around the kids or him. Not friendly, not angry, just robotic.

I had to tell my oldest who was 15 as she was a friend and lived next door.

The fall out was that he decided he no longer wanted a relationship with his Dad. I know to this day his Dad holds against me that I told him but he would have found out.

His Dad didn’t help as he said well it will be easier as you already know her!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. For this week just focus on giving them the split news and

I would tell them. I was about that age and found out for sure in the playground from a child repeating something their parents had obviously said... I'd rather have been prewarned

I wouldn't tell them at the same time as you tell them you're separating. Don't volunteer that detail, but if they ask the question I would tell the truth rather than conceal it. Hopefully their dad will answer that question, but be prepared to have to do so yourself.

Update - we told them we weren’t going to be together anymore. But that we loved them very much and that we were still great friends focused on making sure we would all be ok. We were planning to move in the new year so have said we will get two places - close to each other so it’s easy to go to and from. Lots of questions but mostly practical (what stuff goes where). Might be different when it’s more real but it went ok.

Did not say anything about OW. Will see how the next few days go. I’m not sure if she is actually going to leave her DH. but in the immortal mumsnet words I learned here ‘not my circus, not my monekys’

I’m just going to keep an eye on my own. Thanks to all for the kind words and support and good advice. It seemed very split on tell or not tell - I’ve made the best decision I can for now. I won’t lie about it and if I think the word might get around, will say something then.

Well done @LoveHarry

Good luck along the path you have found yourself and as a PP said prioritise your relationship with the children, do what feels right by you - ultimately that's most important for your new family unit (you +DC) in the long term