There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

If what you mean by " There's no compromise here" is basically " I want it on my terms without discussion or counselling " then yes, splitting might be the quickest route out of your situation.

Unless you can compromise and give him the sex he needs for a fulfilling relationship (which I'm not saying you should, it's absolutely your body and your choice) I think it's time to consider letting him go.

Sex is a massive part of romantic relationships and while it isn't the be all and end all, it can be if one partner wants sex while the other doesn't. This isn't a case of one partner having a higher sex drive than the other, it's that one partner (you) isn't interested in sex at all.

I'd go for a check up with your GP if you have no sex drive at all as a first step if you'd like to rectify the problem but if you have no interest in it, you should let him go.

I'm paying to see a gynaecologist next week for another reason but I'll mention the libido thing. But I honestly don't think it's a physiological cause. Sex is just effort!

Do you enjoy sex when you have it and once the effort is made? When is the last time you had sex?

How do you feel once you get going? Have you ever enjoyed sex?

Neither of you are unreasonable. I think it comes down to not being compatible any more. Did you always have low libido or has this set in over the years?

@PeekAtYou always been this way. He's known me to have a low drive since we met but it has definitely worsened over the years.

@Feelingitnow it's ok. I have no desire to be adventurous and I'm glad when it's finished but it's fine.

Was there never a time when you wanted much more sex, and found your DH really attractive?

Ok I’ll be blunt.
Everyone can enjoy great sex, everyone.
The question is what is great sex for you op?
Do you need a vibrator or a bullet to make it better?
You say your husband ‘helps’ clean his own house. Wow do you ‘help’ clean the home you live in. Do you also class it as helping whenever he parents his own children?
This is a problem. Who feels sexy and desirable with someone who they are merely a childminder and cleaner too?
This needs addressing.
Tell him you want time to feel like a woman, he will have to step up and parent his own children and sort out the domestic grunt work, leaving you free to unwind and feel in the mood.

I think that mismatched sex drives is a common reason for relationships to fail. Better that he talks to you about it than do what many do and go and have an affair instead.

wasn't this exactly same post the other day, where the OP refused counselling too and he proposed an open marriage.

@whattodo1975 not me but I'm off to search!!

@NoSquirrels honestly I don't think so. It's definitely worsened over the years but I don't remember ever doing it more than once a week and that was right at the start

Youre letting him down by not investigating this further. You might benefit from testosterone for example. But telling him to basically put up or shut up is horrible.

@Penguinsaregreat I think I'll ask him for more me time. Thanks.

@Chuntypops when did I say that!!!

I have no real advice, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this.
Breaking up from someone you live and making the kids live in two homes just because of sex is so sad.

But anyway, I just wanted to send some compassion, these threads never go well for the lower libido partner, so here’s some support.

I’m just like you, very low sex drive and the menopause has killed it. It is one of many reasons my marriage is ending.

Antidepressants cause low libido. Resentment at doing more house work, not feeling supported, being too tired all contribute.

i think you are wrong to not at least consider counselling, because it doesn’t allow for any other choices than leave.

Perhaps you could go on your own and see whether you can open up to a therapist. If you have the right person it’s not as difficult as you think.

Im a very private person and always found discussing our sex life with my ex impossible. But I think I would be able to with the therapist I am seeing solo now.

“Is it time to let him go” (paraphrase)

Youre not saying you’ll lean in and fix it. It’s “this is how it is.”

@EmbarrassedNameChangeDontJudge so appreciated thank you

Resentment at doing more house work, not feeling supported, being too tired all contribute

The sex life of a couple isn't just about sex. Feeling attracted to somebody doesn't start when you see their sex organs, it starts when you see their face, their expression, their manner, their attitude, when you hear their voice and what it has to say.

Sex fails because of these things. These things create a low libido. Feeling that you have a low libido and you resent housework/don't feel understood/partner doesn't know how to make you happy is a failure to notice what triggers your own feelings.

What else is happening in your marriage, OP? Does he make an effort to please you, in bed and in other ways? Does he make you feel special and loved? Is he respectful and tries to make sure you're not having problems with things, when he can?

I think if you’re not willing to work towards the idea of having sex once a week, then yes you should split up because it’s unfair at 42 years old to ask your DH to settle for much less.

However, you do have a young baby and 2 other children, and it sounds like your ‘fit and attractive’ DH has plenty of time for himself whilst you’re knackered and fantasising about 10 minutes more sleep.

So you need to sort out in your head whether this is ‘just you being lazy’ or ‘can’t be arsed’ or if it is a product of circumstance and if you had more time and rest you’d be more up for more sex.

That’s where counselling could help.

how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Who are you expecting to explain this to? It’s no one’s business. If you split up you say ‘grown apart’, ‘don’t love each other as partners any more’ or whatever.

Out of interest, your youngest is still a baby - did you actively TTC? Were you having more sex then, and was that OK for you?

@Watchkeys I'd say so yes on the whole. We don't really have many shared interests but we get on well. We try to balance things round the house and overtime certain chores have become that identified as that person's job. I do washing for example, he does the garden. He tells me I'm beautiful (but he's defo just saying it because he feels he has to, as a dutiful husband, or so I believe). I go to bed same time as the kids as I'm up early whereas he's much later to bed than me but we do try and carve out a date night of sorts now and again or we'll walk the dog together etc.

I’d highly recommend Esther Perels book Mating in Captivity, it’s entirely about sex in long term relationships and is very good at exploring how to cope with differing needs and the challenges of maintaining an active sex life amidst the day to day realities of life. It might give you ideas about why you have no interest in sex and clarify your thinking about what to do next.