There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

Telling your husband to sleep with someone else isn't compromise, it's basically telling him that you'd rather he went elsewhere than make any kind of effort for physical closeness with him. I'm sorry, but I think that it's a cruel suggestion. Sex and physical closeness isn't important to you and that's okay, but you seem devoid of any empathy towards your husband at all.
By not even making the effort to see a counsellor, you're showing how little you actually care about your family unit.

@CaptainMum exchanging chores may be the way forward

Agree that is so cruel. I wonder how he feels that you basically only tolerated sex to conceive how used would he feel about that.
and if you split, he loses massively financially and loss of kids.
poor guy is trapped and mist feel bewildered

My op said about letting him go if that's what he wants.

He doesn't want that. He wants to be with his wife & family, and have a mutually agreed fulfilling sex life

I'm very body conscious, size 8 so technically reasonably slim but it's not a nice body at all.

OP can you see these your issues - not likely to be true at all, regardless of your dress size?

I'm all touched out with two kids and a baby

That's the case now but it wasn't when your first met & the issues were the same. You've acknowledge sex was never a priority or a particular desire for you.

in my opinion a broken otherwise happy marriage and family because he's not getting his leg over is ludicrous to me.

That's such a dismissive way to write about your husband who wants to be close to his wife, as part of a normal happy marriage. It's deeply unkind and also disingenuous.

It feels to be as if you're ultimately avoiding engaging with the root cause of this; your unhappiness with your body/ sense of yourself sexually. You don't want therapy or counselling and fundamentally you are not being honest with anyone, including your husband and in your replies here.

It sounds like you've a happy relationship; it may be scary to open up this issue but potentially hugely worth it. In the meantime, don't demean your husband's point of view and what matters to him.

Then you need to be with someone who shares your opinion on sex. That's obvious isn

Sorry. Posted too soon by accident.

...isn't it?

You mentioned compromise in your title op. It seems that you are not willing to find a solution here. This is probably heading towards divorce and I don't blame your husband for that.

If this is real.

Sex has been functional, to conceive, bar the odd few times in the early days

Did your husband go into this marriage knowing you were not interested in sex other than as a means to an end to get a family? Was that discussed and crystal clear to him from the get-go? Otherwise it’s totally out of order to say he just ‘wants his leg over’ and will break up an ‘otherwise happy marriage’. If it’s built on a lie, it was never the ‘happy marriage’ either of you thought it was.

If your husband didn’t agree to marry you and never have sex except to conceive, you’re being terrifically unfair and perhaps deliberately manipulative.

Being touched out from small kids is a big deal, lots of us have been there and know how it affects libido. It is possible to overcome this though. It’s possible to deal with body confidence issues and make sex more enjoyable if you have a willing and sympathetic partner. You keep saying your DH is a good bloke who you love and who loves you, so got to assume he would want to help.

You can’t unilaterally renegotiate the terms of an agreement and expect everything to stay the same. And you can’t blame your husband for any break-up.

I cannot believe the level of selfishness you are displaying here.

If you were finding 2 kids such hard work, why have a 3rd to be even more "touched out" (ludicrous expression).

There’s no compromise because it sounds as though you’re not willing to compromise at all, are you? You’re talking about him wanting to have sex with you as if it’s completely weird and demanding, not what the majority of couples do. You’re talking about not enjoying sex as if that’s the norm, and anyone enjoying sex is unusual, not pretty normal.

Given you haven’t said anything negative about him, let’s assume he’s a normal bloke and it’s a pretty equal marriage, or as much as can be with one working and one SAHP parent. In which case he’s coming from the relatively common place - I’d like to have an enjoy sex with my wife - and you, OP, are coming from the far less common place - not just that you’re tired and touched out right now, but that you never enjoyed sex and aren’t willing to consider why.

Who do you think, given what you’ve told us, ought to be looking at a compromise..?

Are you her husband by any chance?

No I'm a 37 year old mum of 2, but I feel very sorry for him.

OP cannot seriously be expecting her 42 year old husband to go without sex for the rest of his life. And to break up an otherwise happy home because she can't be bothered to have sex is madness.

God some of these replies!! I'm not starving my husband of oxygen, or food or basic survival! It's just sex!!!

I know I seem harsh, but it's your lack of willingness to speak to someone about it that I can't get my head round. I think you should make an effort to seek counselling before throwing a 12 Yr marriage away.

Sex is the thing that makes the marriage relationship unique. It's not just sex to your husband. It's lack of closeness, intimacy, feeling wanted and cared about. I totally get how you feel, I don't think I'm that sexual on the whole, but making an effort to see if things can change is surely not too much to ask? Counselling and a medical check up, then see how you feel about things. I'm not saying have sex you don't want, just see if there are feelings there to be recovered. If not having a full marriage is a deal breaker for your husband, then you'll have to work out what happens next.

But it’s sex that you dh wants.
Of course he can manage without it but because you don’t have the urge to have sex you really don’t understand how much most people want sex.
Think of one utter pleasure that you really enjoy and imagine your partner vetoing that pleasure for ever.
Nobody should have sex that they don’t want, of course.
Unfortunately though this also means that your respectful dh has to leave the relationship entirely if he wants to have sex.

“it’s just sex” is such a dreadfully dismissive attitude. Do you not see that?

OP you've had 4/5 pages of replies suggesting that you should try and seek some compromise and professional support to save your marriage. Your response to those has been to restate your original post and generally be dismissive of the advice. So I'm going to be blunt...

Your marriage is over.

You have no empathy for your husband and you hold his needs in the relationship in contempt.

Relationships don't last long when one partner feels that way about the other. They are also in danger of becoming toxic and abusive.

I suspect the reason you don't want to go for counselling is you know, deep down, that it will just enable your husband to see your contempt for him more clearly and speed up the inevitable.

You need to make the effort. Sorry it's not what you want to hear. But even making a little bit of effort can go a long way and might be the best solution for everyone including you. Just a quickie!

I mean to some men it probably would feel like that 😂

If you only had oxygen, food and basic survival, would you be happy?

You say not comfortable discussing with a stranger yet everyone here is a stranger

Understand is not face to face so slightly different but could you maybe find a counsellor where can start online instead

I understand that feeling of being touched out. You need to have some headbspace and your own time to feel any desire. If you are performing on a survival mode, you won't feel like pursuing any pleasure in life.

Put some efforts. He needs to step up also. It works both ways and has to be a collaborative effort!

Low libido is complicated, with multiple possible and often overlapping causes:
1 Being with the wrong person and you don’t really fancy / like / respect them
2 Psychological - bad experiences with sex in the past, low self-esteem, feeling unattractive
3 Hormonal - everything can be perfect on paper but physical arousal still be almost impossible. The metaphorical buttons are all being pressed but the electrical circuit is broken so nothing lights up.
4 Being knackered and/or stressed
We don’t all have to be swinging from the chandeliers, but where a mismatch is causing unhappiness it’s worth working out what’s causing it and whether things can be improved.
OP, are you still breastfeeding? Hormonally, that can be a real libido-killer.
With small children, you’re bound to be knackered. Personally I think your DH isn’t unreasonable to want a more fulfilling sex life and you could explore something like counselling to save your marriage. BUT maybe now with a baby and a toddler is not the time to start trying for better sex. When your own physical needs for more sleep aren’t being met, that is not a great time to succeed at something which needs effort and emotional commitment.
In the meantime, if you want to stay in this relationship, you do need to talk properly and not dismiss his feelings as ‘wanting to get his leg over’ in the same way he shouldn’t dismiss the toll of having small children.

Everyone is saying I have to make the effort. Why shouldn't he make the effort to take the heat off? I'm not having any sex I don't want to have and I've encouraged him to have sex elsewhere - if he chooses. Counselling is if you want to fix an issue but I'm very happy not having sex. It's my husbands decision what he'd like to do and I will respect whatever that is. Counselling for my body confidence is another issue which I may well explore.

You should meet him half way. Thats what the compromise is. Im not saying have sex once a week, but once a month or so maybe.

By the sounds of it, your husband will be snapped up quickly if you break up. Attractive, fit, early 40s. Think on that for a bit.